News for Dummies 28/9

A Jury was shown pictures of Micheal Jackson's dead body, they were traumatised to see him lying there all gaunt, pale and malnourished, exactly the way they remembered him when he was alive. I'm sure he still looks the same now it's not as if he's bio-degradable

A farmer in Bangor stopped Rhianna from shooting a video in his field because her stripping went against his christian beliefs; he finished the day by artificially inseminating a captive animal before putting a bolt through another animals head... but hey at least he kept his cloths on to keep the baby Jesus happy!

Study shows 28% of taxi drivers text at the wheel... of course they do, those racist jokes doing the rounds had to start somewhere!

A man in Bosnia held a Dr at gunpoint and forced him to give his wife a Cesarean section, I'm not sure of the outcome but I imagine the doc did whatever his wife wanted, lets face it I'd be more terrified of a woman in labour than a Bosnian man with a gun.

OK let's get this straight. A headline in the news today is "Frank Sinatra enjoyed a crossword" Is this really what I'm working with???? I've got to write jokes about what Puzzles Jazz singers are into, I couldn't give a shit if Nat King Cole indulged in Sudukos or if Micheal Buble was still stuck trying to work out his sexual orientation... this simply isn't news!!

The wife of MP John Hemming broke into his mistresses house and stole her cat.... She must have been jealous that her husband was getting another woman's pussy.

There is now a cloud in the paper that is meant to look like Abraham Lincoln.... It looks nothing like Abraham Lincoln.. Actually I give up on working in these conditions, if this constitutes as news I'm leaving you with some clouds that look like Cocks:

News for Dummies 27/9

A prison van travelled 96 miles to take a convict just 50 yards; the van driver says the ordeal was ridiculous, he can't believe the justice system stooped to this and made his wife hold the map, the depot was only at the other end of town.

Dr Conrad Murry who faces trial for the death of Micheal Jackson will have to go up against a Jury that consists mainly of Micheal Jackson fans; Gary Glitter has spoken of his disgust saying "Why could I not have had that Jury!?"

Men who have kids are less likely to die of heart disease; possibly because they have a perfectly matched organ Donor.

The Expert who was called in to investigate the death of Princess Dianna has been called upon to probe the saline drip murders in Stepping Hill hospital; Casting my suspicions to think it must be the Queen who is murdering all the patients and they need to cover it up.

A speeding summons issued to Adolf Hitler has been found in a German archive; it's not like him to endorse speeding after all he dedicated his life to eliminating races.

66% of kids cringe when their parents say "innit" what the survey failed to mention is that the parents are pointing towards the sex dungeon.

South African Grill fan Vito Polera BBQ'd 75kg of meat over 36 hours to beat a world record; only to have his record smashed this morning by Michelle McManus sunbathing in her garden. (she has the word anus in her name lol)

News for Dummies 26/9

People are furious because nurses on busy wards have been asking family members to help out by feeding and assisting their sick relatives; FURIOUS they are…  put your foot down people say “No I won’t help my stroke victim father wipe the soup of his chin, he would be much less humiliated if a stranger did it!!” Just chip in for fuck sake so the nurses can be of use to patients that aren’t lucky enough to have whinging offspring to wipe their arse!!!

Bull fighting has been banned in the Catalina region of spain, owners of china shops have no choice but to sit back and watch the carnage!

An Aeroplane crashed into Mount Everest killing 19 passengers; It’s easily done, I mean Everest just creeps up on you sometimes, one minute you’re flying along clear horizon, next minute a 20’000ft rock out of no-where, they should really do a risk assessment on it. The Ryan Air flight in question was only meant to be going from Dublin to Cork.

Women in Saudi Arabia are finally allowed to vote. The X-factor phone lines haven’t stopped.

30 Rhino heads have been stolen from museums as they are worth £60’000 a kilo when powdered and sold as an aphrodisiac; who’d have thought a rhino head could give you the horn…. I still think they’re charging a bit much!!

A man caught his wife cheating because her sat-nav history lead him to her lovers address; I reckon he should give her another chance, any woman that can use a sat-nav is a keeper.  

A study has reviled fruit and veg can heighten the risk of cancer; I knew there was a reason I leave that pointless, unwanted, imposter on my plate every morning. Of course I’m talking about that half a tomato that spikes my fry-up on a daily basis, fuck knows why it even ends up there I cook my own breakfasts!

Hedgehogs are at risk of becoming extinct; this is because they are a ridiculous animal at an evolutionary dead end, if they weren’t as difficult to kick I’d help finish them off!

News for Dummies 23/9

I'm back from my tanning my pastey arse and will no doubt peel out of my skin over the weekend if anyone wants to buy a bronze Kai suit and do a couple of gigs!?

Cheers to Danny for taking over my blog and using a unique combination of profanities to express how much he hates the sluts that grace the cover of Heat magazine. That said this is for my new readers that are here for their love of his victimization of Z-listers.

Kerry Katona ay? I hope she gets pregnant because of a brutal rape then miscarriages after 8months only for her pet Alsatian to eat the foetus and die of food poisoning!!

Jordan ay???? I bet the England rugby team has run a train on the bucket cunted cum sponge... you know who else runs trains VIRGIN... she's not, she lost her virginity to her dad while she was still in the womb!

I hope I sounded enough like Danny to keep you reading :o) now for a more sophisticated look at today's news.....

An actor who starred in Crocodile Dundee is jailed for hitting his wife; It's not like some-one from Dundee to hit a woman....<sarcastic pause>..... But it's like Beyonce said (in her remix with the blackout crew) "If you like it then you better put A BANGIN' DONK ON IT!!"

"This is a Donk!!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger has decided to write an autobiography detailing how he fathered a love child by his house keeper; I imagine his decision to go paper-back or hard-back is trickier than his decision to go bare-back!!

A man ended up in hospital after he was attacked by a CAT while he was walking his dog; What the fuck is the world coming to, just swing a right boot through that cat like you're Jonny Wilkinson and shout fetch you poor excuse for a fucking grown-up!

Cheryl Cole was pulled by a squaddie when they traded numbers on her morale boosting trip to Afghanistan; the Geordie pin-up always did like to dip a soldier in her eggs in the morning!!

A fight ticket in Preston controversially pitted two 8 year old boys together in a brutal cage fight; one onlooker said it was the guiltiest wank he's ever had! 

Scientists have recorded subatomic particles going faster than the speed of light proving the Albert Einsteins theory of relativity is wrong.... What. A. Dipshit!!! He's up in heaven as we speak trying to put a square peg in a round hole while attempting to lick his elbow and speaking of heaven, Einstein also believed in God... go figure!!

22-9

Hello lovely beautiful people, how are you today? Oh I’m glad to hear that, I do hope your day continues to go well. What’s that? Why am I being nice? Well, because apparently some people don’t like the torrent of bad words that leave my fingers onto the computer screen and I wouldn’t want to upset anyone. I’m fucking kidding. I couldn’t give a cherry topped shit if my hee-fucking-larious combination of random nouns and swear words offend you ya splooge hoover! TO THE NEWS DILDO BAGGINS!

There has been outrage after videos of children as young as 8 cage fighting has been posted online…  Why? What’s the twatting problem? I’m not saying I’d let my kids do it (I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE THEY ARE), but I don’t care either. Are the kids being forced to do it? No. Is it illegal? Nope. Are the parents unaware of the situation? NEGATORY! I fail to see where you’re getting your panties in a twist. “Oh but the videos upset me!” Don’t watching it then you window-licking turd burgular! No one is making you. Go home, open the cupboard and pour yourself a nice big bowl of MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS and make sure you splash a nice dollop of Piss Off and maybe chop up some Get A Life and sprinkle it over the top. Much like these cage fighters you need to grow up. Reports say one kid was seen “sobbing” after the fight, but after checks from the paramedic they gave him a nice big glass of “Man the fuck up” and gently removed his tampon.

23 stone Jen has been deemed “too fit” to get a gastric band fitted. Obviously they don’t mean “fit” as in sexy, coz she’s total minging. She looks like a kid did a finger painting of a woman, then while it was still wet, sat on it.

I also just read that the 8 year old cage fighting boys was condemned by a vicar. But that was mainly because they wouldn’t give him the keys to the cage.

The Lib Dems want kids under the age of 16 to be taught that “No means no” in sex education class. UNLESS ITS OPPOSITE DAY!!!!!

A woman with one arm has been found to have 3 sexually transmitted diseases from one partner. At least we know she doesn’t have the clap. BOOM! TAKE THAT! TAKE THAT TO YOUR FACE LIKE A COMEDY BUKKAKE!

That crazy woman that was on X Factor is still in the paper. I have no problem with her, she seems nice. Weird, but nice. I wouldn’t want to sit beside her on a bus. But that’s because I fucking hate buses. Buses in the UK are like a poverty safari, and in both you still end up with shit being thrown at your car. What I don’t like about this story is all her “friends” coming out and saying “LEAVE HER ALONE”. Then get out of my paper you ugly-faced, shallow whore. If attention were semen you’d be glazed like a fucking doughnut.

Well, that’s enough anger for one day. I think Kais back on tomorrow, so thanks for reading. Go stab yourself. KISS KISS IN YOUR FACE MWAH

21-9

Hello and welcome to Kai's blog with me, Daniel Sloss.

 "Hey Daniel - why do you always end up doing Kai's blog?" I hear you say.

That is an interesting question, readers. Well, it's because I am such a good friend and I am so committed to my job as a stand up that I don't go on holiday every single fuckin' week of the year.

"But Daniel - we prefer when Kai does the blog. You always just make it angry with really over the top confusing insults!"
Yes!!! Well fuck you in the fanny hole you fuck bucket. That is because I fuckin rule and that Geordie cum-bag isn't here to stop me.

TO THE NEWS!

Charlie Sheen is expecting to be paid £80 million for being fired from Two and a half men. That is the biggest sack ever ... as is his severence package.
"IT'S A BALLSACK PUN ON A WEDNESDSAY ??? Oh Daniel, you spoil us!"
Too twatting right, I do.

Victoria Beckham has revealed that she lost all her baby weight by walking 7 miles every day. Unfortunately she still hasn't fucked off. Apparently it was on a treadmill. Normally you could make a horse do that by dangling a carrot on the end of a stick. But Victoria doesn't eat so I am sure David did it with a huge bag of anti-depressants and air.

Ulrika Johnson was in the paper today looking so ugly that my penis actually hung itself. Mind you - it has always been well hung. BOOM! Seriously though, that baby-vending machine of a woman has a neck like Sven's testicles - ugly to look at and resting on her breasts.

Secret documents have revealed that America planned to go to war with Britain in the 1930s but it was cancelled when none of the Americans could actually point out where it was on a map.

There was a headline that said "Miliband caves into unions." And I thought it said "unicorns". I lolled. I don't know if you did but I totes did. Lolled everywhere.

Four squirrels are resting in an RSPCA unit after being blown from their tree in a hurricane.
"Daniel - there is no punchiline there - how are we supposed to laugh?"
 ... Picture it ... Picture it actually happening. Hahaha! Stupid squirrels.

Scotland and Celtic football star, Scott Brown, is horrified after he was tricked into being photogaphed with members from far right group, the Scottish Defence League. Yeah, because Celtic is such a racism-free tolerance high-ground.

Bosses at a Denmark-based sperm-bank are begging people to consider having ginger babies as they are over capacity with 70 litres of sperm. Or, as Jordan calls it, - lunch. This proves two things:
1 - nobody wants a Ginger child.
2 - Gingers are wankers.

Well that's the news for today. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it - not a fuckin' SMIDGEN. JK! JK! JK JK Rowling. I totes love doing it. Nowhere else in the world am I allowed to be so angry and volatile. Fuck the vegetarians! Have a good day.

20/9

WOOPS!!! LOLOLOL! I totes forgot to do Kais blog the past few days but I have totally legitimate excuses. On Thursday/Friday I was drinking/recovering from a hangover from my 21st birthday party so unless you wanted 8 jokes that were like “UGHHH MY STOMACH FML!” you really didn’t miss out. Loldemort.
Then yesterday I was ill with food poisoning as were my little brothers, so unless you wanted 8 jokes that were like “UGHHH MY STOMACH FML!” you really didn’t miss out. Lolcano.
 But, let’s get back to this. I apologise for not doing it. It’s kind of a half arsed apology, Kais on a beach getting a tan and I’m in Fife trying not to sound to cruel about gypsies.

Some angry fucking gypsies have won a high court battle to be allowed to stay at their illegal camp, where they shouldn’t be, or ever have been because it violates so many laws, for an extra few days as police were afraid that it would spark riots. But if you’ve seen “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding” you’ll know that anything can start a Gypsy riot. Like alcohol, washing or using words with more than 2 syllables. Now, I don’t know what your opinion on Gypsies is, and quite frankly I couldn’t give a chocolate covered fuck, because I don’t like them because of their attitude in todays paper and the way they’ve acted. If you need any more reasons to not like these law-breaking violent twats, here are some quotes from them.
“If they do evict us, the people around here better lock their doors at night.”
“I’ve chained myself to a gate around my neck so if anyone tries to open it, I will die” (note - a chain tied to a fence around someones neck is also considered “bling” in Shetland)
“I hope they try to evict us, I can’t wait to stab a cop.”
FUCK THEM, I’d have more sympathy for a rapist getting bummed in prison.

Pippa Middleton was at a fashion show and apparently stole the show. Winona Ryder is also famous for going to fashion shows and stealing the fashion shows… Literally.

People are going mental because a woman with mental health issues sang on the X Factor at the weekend and was really bad. These people have obviously not seen any previous episode of the X Factor.

A court has heard that one of the tasers fired a Raoul Moat was probably “very painful”. Though I doubt as painful as blowing your own head of with a fucking shotgun.

The head of the Libyan National Transitional Council, Mustafa Jalil has asked America to help rebuild Libya, the Americans are confused as they were pretty sure he died in the Lion King.

NOW OVER TO DANIEL FOR THE SPORT

THANKS DANIEL!

In sport today a bunch of teams are playing in the Carling Cup. Arsenal will be playing against Shrewsbury where I wouldn’t be surprise if there was a surprising result. That Arsenal win.

Fernando Torres might miss tomorrows game against Fulham. He’s been chosen, but he misses a lot.

NOW OVER TO DANIEL WITH THE WEATHER

THANKS DAN!

I don’t know who reads this blog or where you’re from, so let’s just go for rain…

Well, it’s been a pleasure. I think I’ll be back tomorrow at some point with more angry news. ENJOY

News for Dummies 14/9

Foreign job seekers who don't learn English will be forced to take language courses or lose their benefits; The people of Newcastle and Liverpool are keen to know, does this just apply to foreigners??

Britain's banks are the worst for customer satisfaction according to reports; yet the cunts still charge you a 1000% gratuity tip if you go £3 over your arranged overdraft!

Transport secretary Philip Hammond claims people who use trains regularly are on significantly higher wages; I'm not sure, the dude pushing the drinks cart down the aisle looked like he could barely afford his heroin!

Megan Fox wants to have kids but claims she can't afford it; someone tell her I regularly use trains!!

Sir Elton John was named the top earning male pop star; linking him suspiciously with Michael Jackson's death.

Sick Internet "troll" Sean Duffy has been jailed for 18 weeks after posting jokes about dead people..... well this blog was fun while it lasted, you reckon I'll get wifi from my cell when they catch up with me??

An Elephant was severely injured after standing on a landmine yesterday in Burma; Onlookers pointed out the Elephant in the BOOM! Jokes aside, I would have paid good money to see that!

Rapper "Chipmunk" heads a campaign informing school kids on why homework is so vital; because you might end up being a rapper called Chipmunk perhaps??


OK, I'm off the grid for a week while I tan my bollocks on a nudist beach in the Canaries, Sloss will keep you informed while I'm away but there may be NO BLOG tomorrow as he's out for his 21st tonight!

Since I'll be missing you for such a long time here are some of the funniest pictures on the internet...they have fuck all to do with the news:

this is my favourite!! LOL

News for Dummies 13/9

David Cameron keeps poking Russia with a stick over various matters that are over my head; but I wish he wouldn't!!

Russia = Massive

Outrage on the 10th anniversary of 9/11 as Liverpool striker Nathan Eccleston suggested the disaster was an accident; Imagine he was right "ooh shit did you see that Aeroplane accidentally hit the word trade centre just now? I hope nothing like that happens ever again!!.....<short pause>.... What. Are. The. Chances!!!!" Maybe he accidentally forgot his club was owned by Americans!

Bradley Cooper was spotted on a date with J-Lo; I had no idea the hang-over star was gay? Latino singer J-Lo has been used as a celebrity "Beard" for years, worn as a masculine disguise by some high profile closet homosexuals over the last decade including Ben Affleck, Chris Judd and of course "Puff" Daddy. Deny that last one!

Jesse Wallace told friends "I just want my Life back" after splitting up with her fiance on their wedding day; When they split up her ex must have took her David Attinborough box set. It's always awkward getting your belongs back after a break-up.

A man who zapped his wife with a stun gun was cleared of all "charges" yesterday when the court ruled it was self defence: I've gotta get me one of those!!! I'd spend the rest of my life provoking her!

A man watched his own brain surgery on a TV screen while he was under the knife; It was either that or Two and a Half Men and he simply couldn't bear to watch another episode!!

Milk had been spiked with bleach at stepping hill hospital; the patients were devastated, watching their coco-pops make the milk go chocolaty had previously been the highlight of their day!

The UK gets hit by the tail end of Hurricane Katia; This is a bad, bad day for the comb-over...

"I'm a little worried"

"This day was bound to happen some time!"

"maaaaa nigggaaa"

"woof"

News for Dummies 12/9

People remembered the victims of 9/11 yesterday on the 10th anniversary of the disaster; my heart went out to EVERYONE effected, and that included those who had toiletries over 100ml seized in airports in the last decade.

If I had to sum up 9/11 I'd have to say it was 0.82

Is it really bad to secretly hope for a similar tragedy to happen in the UK on the 9th of November just so WE can call it 9/11 and piss the Americans off!

24 slaves we're freed from a gypsy camp; in other words celebrity big brother finished.

(Amy Winehouse is front page in the papers again.... how many jokes can I write on this poor girl!!)

This time it's her dad saying Amy's spirit is always by his side; but if she was still alive she'd have that bottle of vodka finished by now!!

He has launched a foundation in her name to keep kids off drugs, it's kind of like that Raul Moat gun safety trust.

Justin Bieber has announced he wants to be a dad by the time he's 25; just in time for his shelf life in the public eye to expire, as he spirals into bankruptcy ensuring his child qualifies for EMA and free school meals. Plus the worlds greatest talents die at 27 so he doesn't want to leave it too late right? Right???

A Lifeguard at a Florida water-park was struck by a lightening bolt; this happened just as he spotted a man at the bottom of the slide had lost his trunks on the ride and shouted "No Flashing"

A nurse is sueing the NHS after an attempted attack by a patient has left her with a fear of scissors; this is doubly traumatic as she is a lesbian


BONUS MATERIAL

As this is blog #100 a couple of other comedians from the circuit have offered up some jokes from today’s news, here are my favourites:

James Christopher

"Leak risk after explosion at French nuclear plant; Chef prepares recipe for Creme of Mushroom Cloud Soup"

"Slavery' raid police quiz five; though the boyband's management insist that Abz was paid just like the other four."

Big Lou Jones

"England Rugby World Cup bosses have blamed "Balls" for England goal-kicker Jonny Wilkinson putting in the worst kicking performance of his international career; Glad to hear it's not just English Footballers who have trouble controlling their Balls.

Paul Savage

Amy winhouse foundation saving kids from drugs; do you think kids of heroin addicts get to lick the spoon?

Andy Fury

"I suck donkey cock!"

I didn't get the last one either, maybe he wasn't telling me a joke but just being informative.

 

News for Dummies 9/9

How strange this is blog #99 and the date is 9/9.... I might go buy myself a Mr whippy with a flake in it and listen to some Jay-Z!!

Dior fashion designer John Galliano who is worth £20m was fined just 88p for his racist rants towards Jews; But the Jewish community took this 88p invested it in stocks, allowed them to mature, sold them and bought a race-horse, put all the winnings into gold and have now opened a bank. I feel like I can mock because the worst that can happen is they'll sting me for a quid!

Yes, they're definitely shrewd!!

An extra was paid £300 to be James Buckley's cock double in the recent Inbetweeners movie; but he feels like he has been short changed after seeing how much Jedward rake in for being identical bell-ends!

Our schools lag behind those of Iran in the teaching of Science and Maths; but to be fair they are a lot more interesting to learn in that county: Q1. If you threw a rock weighing 2kg from 4.5 meters away at an angle of 45 degrees and with a force of 2 newtons (KG-m/s2) could you hit a 1.6m tall woman in the face?

A probe was launched yesterday to decide whether Scottish and Welsh MP's should be able to vote on laws that only affect England; I still have no idea how we are going to work this out from space!

After being snubbed by Prime Minister Vladimir Putin for over 4 years Britain look to build bridges with Russia; thus far the Polish have built all of our bridges.

Prince Charles fears for the future of mankind; he's just worried because he married a bit of a slag back in the day there is a strong possibility someone else's kids could rule his country.

A good Samaritan who rescued pregnant Amanda Holden from her car crash said he was terrified for her babies safety when he saw the shunt.... he definitely said Shunt!

No-one has a job in over a third of Liverpool's house-holds; this is because usually a third of people would work at McDonalds restaurants but Scousers can't pronounce any of their meals! "McHHHChickHHHen sandwich, SixHHH McHHHChickHHHen NugHHets and a CHHHrunchy McHHHFlurry" leaving the guy making the order covered in spit!

And Thats How for Now!!!! see ya Monday el cuntos!

News for Dummies 8/9

Britain's Got Talent chief Simon Cowell admitted to having a 3 in a bed romp with two beauties; but says he only had sex with one of them because he buzzed the other one off!!

They did have trouble getting his pants off!!

Pregnant Amanda Holden was in a car crash with a lorry yesterday and miraculously her and her bump where unharmed from the bump; Amanda has suffered two miscarriages already and ironically the one she avoided was on a duel carriageway. She had to pull out of her production of the Shrek musical, ironically pulling out would have been a more successful form of contraception.

David Cameron adopted a rescue cat for 10 Downing street to get rid of vermin; unfortunately it hasn't worked an Nick Clegg is still in the spare room

Business Chiefs urge the bank of England to print £50billion in cash to avoid a recession; Wait a minute!!!! We can just print more money???? This seemed to obvious to even be an option. But saying that I've just had to buy ink cartridges for my Canon and I can see how this might be false economy!

Two beams off light shone into the sky from ground zero as a tribute to the victims of 9/11; My thought is we should create one structure in their place made from the same stuff as Amanda Holden's womb, because as we know you can rock it twice but then it's invincible!!

It was a Row with Pete Doherty that led heiress Robin Whitehead to take the heroin that killed her; I imagine the row went something like this: "Take this heroin!" ... "No!" ... "Gooo ooonnn" ... "Alright then!"

A 9 year old boy got a hole in one at a Manchester golf course; I just knew more kids would be inspired to excel at the "sport" when Tiger Woods proved it can get you mountains of pussy!! It won't be long before we hear about kids organising talent contests!

An elderly couple in Worcester were forced out of their home when it was invaded by 500 House-Martins; they had no choice but to move into their caravan...... of love!

Now get back to work, feed that crying baby, respond to that 999 call... whatever it is you should be doing instead of procrastinating!!

News for Dummies 7/9

Due to a legality the Red and Black winner Nathan Hageman gets to keep his millions despite beating up a woman; The same legality that allows the Black and White chairman Mike Ashley to keep his millions despite raping an entire city!

The holiday island of Majorca has outlawed Burka's; the decision was made after a petition was received from Piz Buin.

The Lockerbie Bomber is on life support with not long to live; he is hoping to hang on for his turn on Red and Black

Today is a special day where the date is made up of odd numbers 7/9/11; Whoop-de-doo let's throw some chicken bones at the kerb, flip some tarot cards and wank over my lucky porn-star!

Strikers brought Italy to a stand still yesterday in protest over government plans to cut the deficit; the Italian government were confused by what this had to do with Roberto Bagio, Christian Vieri, Alessandro Del Piero and Alberto Gilardino. However Francesco Totti couldn't work out if he was a striker or a left winger so just assisted the protest.

Dave Walliams of Little Britain is currently swimming the length of the Thames; I thought his co-star Matt Lucas beat him to this Accomplishment in January 2006, but it turned out to be a stray Whale.

A Reggae artist has been axed from this years Mobo awards because he is a convicted rapist; I'm sure if the ever make a MORABO awards (Music of Red and Black Origin) he'd get a nomination immediately.

A group of Chimpanzee's used for medical testing see daylight for the first time in 30 years after being freed from their lab; You honestly won't believe this.... the lab was in Austria!!! Next we'll be hearing a chimp went missing in Portugal!

And now for more fun with Burka's

Now you see the little buttons under this writing, click one of them and share this worldly wisdom with Facebook and Twitter!!

And @kaihumphries the shit out of me while you're there..

News for Dummies 6/9

Big thank you to Danny Sloss for baby-sitting my blog for me but I'm left with that suspicious feeling that I've had a load of strangers in my house and my baby might have been abused!! Speaking of Abused I've just had 3 days in Tenerife and like the school bully killing ants God spotted me as a ginger whipped out his magnifying glass and turned me into a fucking Crab Stick!!

Note to strangers: This ISN'T me!!

*Applies after-sun, starts the blog*

£1,000,000 winning Red and Black contestant has previously served jail time for beating up his girlfriend; In a little game they like to call Black and Blue.

It has been revealed that letch Blake Fielder charged Amy Winehouse £150 for a kiss; But she didn't pay up and he only did compressions, CPR is nothing without the good ol' Kiss of life so unfortunately she died!

6 Oxfam workers have been found guilty of misconduct in Haiti; The fashion police arrested them for making people who are already suffering from poverty wear 90's goalkeeper tops and Chinos.

Energy prices are set to soar to fund the governments green policies; Here's a policy on green... legalize it!! I'd happily up my energy bills, I'd constantly have Pizza in the oven anyway.

A Southampton man married his American lover over Skype; Well she did say she wanted to be married by a stream, his best man tweeted the speech and they will spend their honeymoon surfing.

A besotted 94 year old gran got out of her hospital bed and married her 84 year old toyboy; for the simple reason internet access in the hospital is extortionate otherwise they would have just got married on MSN messenger.

Half of over 55's use teenage style abreviations when texting; but old people are renowned for having vowel trouble.

Honeymoon murderer Shrien Dewani spent £40,000 on top lawyers and detectives; But he hopes to redeem this money when he appears on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"


In retaliation to the story of me in Mansion I gift you with a couple of video's of Danny's work posted on a very reputable website..... Droolworthy?????

News for Dummies 5/9 - Guest written by Daniel Sloss

Well it’s that time again where Kai is still off travelling the world or molesting a tramp or writing some more dick jokes (we get it Kai, you masturbate, Jesus, I’m 20 and I don’t even talk about it that much). But he’s not back so I guess I’ll have to fill your Monday up with the same amount as pain and misery as Kerry Katonas kids who wake up every morning and remember that they’re Kerry Katonas kids. It must be being like diagnosed with Super-shit-AIDs every single day.

What? I promised you I’d tell you about Kai and the nightclub girl who he made cry. That doesn’t sound like me, why would you lie?

Big fat fat-filled fatties are costing the NHS shit loads of money on equipment to accommodate the big fat, lard filled, pointless (mainly because they‘re round) fat fucks. The cavernous pits of self-loathing ugliness are costing the NHS 25 million pounds, which is what most of them actually weigh.

Celebrity Big Brother bosses say they are going to “Mix things up” in the house, possibly by putting in an actual celebrity.

Honestly, I can’t tell you the Kai rape story, it would be wrong.

More information has come out about the Raoul Moat shootings which means that Kai may be able to get another 6 months out of his joke. Either that or he’ll turn it into a wank joke.

Jade Richards wowed judges and the British public on the X factor at the weekend. Normally I would come out with a torrent of abuse about the girl, but I won’t. Is it because I’ve had a change of heart? Is it because her song had the same effect on me as it did most of the British public, causing me to gently break down into tears because of the beauty behind her voice? No… it’s cause she’s from Fife like me. So that means one of three things 1. We’re related 2. We’ve had sex 3. She’ll stab me (note:1,2,3 often go together)

Slutbag Price (or Katie as she’s known to her friends, all 1 of them) has been spotted kissing a girl from The Only Way Is Essex and The Sun managed to get pictures and I am now incapable of getting an erection ever again. Seriously, it’s like not going back into the ocean after you’ve watched Jaws. Except in this case, instead of not wanting to going back somewhere because of the fear of a mass, fishy smelling cavernous unwashed hole that gobbles everything up it’s that… no… wait. It’s the same thing. The two of them are so gold and shiny it looks like C3PO blew his load on the lowest life forms he could find.

Wow that last bit was horrible… OH WELL!

Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for… JUSTIN BIEBER HAS BEEN IN A CAR CRASH! Unfortunately he survived.

But really though, now for the actual moment you’ve all been waiting for. The crying girl story. That’s right, I’ve built it up so much now that you’re going to be as disappointed as Kerry Katonas kids are when they wake up and (just read the top bit again)

Me and Kai went to a nightclub in Edinburgh and Kai was drunk. Like really, drunk. I’ve never been drunk with a Geordie before, I kinda hoped that since he’s already so thick and unintelligible that maybe the alcohol would have the opposite effect on him, surely Kai couldn’t get stupider. WRONG!
 We got to the nightclub and went down stairs and went in the VIP bit, no biggy, I know some guys. So we get in and there is this girl. She’s alright looking and seems like a good laugh. She was making out with some guy. Now, this guy, for lack of a better phrase, was a fucking douche bag. He had popped his collar because he didn’t know any other way to let a mass amount of people know that he and his uncle shared special cuddles when he was 7. He’d been being a cunt to other people most of the night, me and Kai had seen him arguing with the bouncers (who I know, and are sound as fuck). Now she was nice, he was a cunt. She was very drunk, and he was a cunt. They were making out, and he was a cunt. She didn’t look like a girl that made out with random men in nightclubs often, he did look like a guy that made out with random men in nightclubs.
 So Kai, decides to be the hero, and not let this cunt get off with this lovely girl, like a cock-blocking Superman. He thinks it would be funny (and it was) to sit beside them, put his hands down his pants and just stare at them. Which he did. I LOLLED a lot. The guy sees this, gets the girl and moves to a chair further away from our now lonely Geordie.
Kai gets up and moves over to sit back beside them, this time going one better and pulling his trousers down to his ankles and sitting as close to them as possible. The guy sees this and left, I assume to get a condom, if he didn’t have one I imagine he was going to go for a poo and hope one of his previously used ones would come out. This girl is now left, with out someone to make out with and a Geordie in his pants and sipping a WKD Blue. This has never happened to her before, she’s never seen David Attenboroughs Life and doesn’t know that in Newcastle, this is a friendly sign. She’s confused and drunk and then breaks down into tears.
 Kai, now feeling guilty, tries to apologise to her. This is quite a nice move you think to yourself, wrong. To you and me he is someone who was having a laugh, took it a bit too far and is now feeling guilty. To everyone else this is a 28 year old guy (I know, 28! What an old bastard) with his trousers down at his ankles apologising to a crying 19 year old who just keeps telling her friends “I just wanted a kiss”. We left very quickly.

News for Dummies 2/9 - Guest written by Daniel Sloss

Are ya alreet! Ahh ya know when Cheryl Cole an aww dat has blah blah blah Ant n Dec blah blah Raoul Moat blah blah blah don’t I have a stupid accent.

Yes, that’s right, it’s me Daniel Sloss taking over for Kais daily blog because he’s off somewhere or something I wasn’t really paying attention, he sounds ridiculous. Anyway, on with the news the way I do it, incredibly bitter with poorly researched statements and made up facts. It’s just like the News of the World except I’m not a racist.

What’s that? Oh no! I couldn’t possibly tell you the story of Kai making a girl cry in a top Edinburgh nightclub! Why would you ask me to tell you that? I swore to secrecy, shame on you.

Jordans in the news this week because much like her vagina unless her ego is filled every other day it will whither up and die, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. She’s still complaining about the whole Frankie Boyle joke thing further proving that she can take untold quantities of cock but not a joke. People have been taking sides in the argument “Team Frankie” or “Team Jordan”. I think you’ll find Jordan has been teamed many a time, in fact I’m pretty sure I have “Team Jordan” on DVD.

A teenage cunt has been sent to jail for killing a girl on a dare. Not an actual dare, it wasn’t the worlds nediest/chaviest game of truth or dare. “Ehhh…. Truth?”
“Who’s my real dad?”
“Ehhh… fuck.”

What was that? No, honestly I can’t tell you how he made that girl cry! Stop asking.

There has been a call to staff British schools with Army Soldiers in order to bring in discipline. I genuinely think this is an amazing idea. The amount of little gobby, spotty-faced, track suited wearing cunts that go around schools being a prick and then going off in later life to achieve fuck all and then leave to go on some shitty holiday while making me write their blog is abysmal. I’d love the soldiers to go in and just pistol whip the shit out of “Wee Deevo” and his mates coz they thought it’d be funny to ask about the sergeants “Privates”. One primary school teacher has said “It’s a good idea, but I’m not sure if they have the right training to be educators.” She does have a point, let’s give them longer holidays and let them mark some colouring in to practice.

Neil Lennon (Celtic Manager) was attacked by a Hearts fan (cunt) last season and the fan got away with the assault. The Verdict has left Neil Lennon confused. It means decision Neil. It’s just a big boys word for decision. Or choice if ‘decision” has confused you too.

Seriously guys, stop asking about Kai and that nightclub where he made that poor innocent girl cry. I’m definitely not going to tell you. Oh, and don’t even bother sending him loads of texts, tweets or face book messages asking him. That’d be wrong.

A Stargate Enterprise fan lost 3 stone in order to fit into her idols costume making her the first woman ever to have lost weight and get less attractive.

Footage of a 4 year old Chinese girl driving a car on a motorway has caused an uproar after it was posted on Youtube. Why?! Have you seen Chinese kids recently? They’re fucking amazing. Those kids can play pianos behind their backs above their heads while upside down and inside out by the time they’re four. Driving a car is not problem for them, the only thing you have to worry about is if she turns it into a Transformer.

Dominoes is planning opening a shop on the moon… Seriously. I’m pretty sure this newspaper is just fucking with me now. This can not be true. But it’s there. In the news, apparently it’ll coz 13.5 billion pounds. What fucking moron decided this? I bet some twat at head office was just like “Man… Cheese is costing us a lot this year… Can’t get rid of it otherwise it’s not a pizza… Where can we get unlimited cheese from?” And then turned Wallace and Gromit on.

I’M NOT TELLING YOU THE STORY! GET OVER IT!

Seriously though, there you go, that’s my bitter take on the news. And if Kai makes me do it again on Monday I’ll totes defo tell you the story.

News for Dummies 1/9

A Queens guard at Windsor has been arrested and charged with raping a pre-teen girl; First the Vatican and now the Monarch, I'm starting to get suspicious of any establishment that dresses its grown men up as absolute Pillock's. My eye is on the Telly-Tubbies, the WWE and the emergency services!!

More and more GP's are talking about quiting due to the amount of admin they have to do; well I'm sure they wouldn't have so much of a paper chase if they didn't dish out a mammary exam with every migraine complaint, I mean I went in with a twisted ankle and ended up having a smear test... I don't even have a vagina!! Perverts!!!

Twilight star Robert Pattinson shocked a homeless man by buying him a brand new top end guitar; I guess the transfer window set everyone panic buying, but at least he doesn't have the headache of spending £10m on Peter Crouch

More secondary school pupils are choosing traditional subjects; like Cornish pasty making, Blackberry picking and Morris dancing

Bear Grylls has said that he would rather eat a Scorpion than Sprouts; fair play to him, sprouts spoil Xmas dinner more than a fist fight with your uncle.

Gaddafi's son has announced he wants to join the rebellion; he's a massive star wars fan.

A carer stole £46,000 from an 85 year old woman to set up a sex toy enterprise; everyone in the home thought 85 year old Doreen had Parkinson's but it turns out she was just testing out the merchandise she was unwillingly funding.

600 riot yobs were traced by leaving their DNA on windows; people will wank over anything these days.

I'm off to Tenerife tomorrow for a long weekend so hopefully I'll have you a guest writter sorted for Friday and Monday!!