News for Dummies 25/11

So I'm sat in the lobby of a Hilton hotel reading The Independent, all the power-businessmen schmoozing over a mocha-locha-chocka-blockachino probably assume I'm writing something important, little do they know I'm gonna see how many dick jokes I can squeeze out of the business section!

At least 6 people have died after being told at Church that they were healed from their HIV and to stop taking their medication; Listen, If an establishment that tells you a magic man lives in the sky, a mean man lives in the magma and that hailing some slut called Mary every time you're naughty gains you access to another dimension... seek proof of their claims before you take medical advice off the cunts! AMEN

Oh No... An expectant mother went to have one of her twins aborted as it had a heart defect and they aborted the wrong twin; Fucking WHOOPS!!

Locals surfers in Hawaii have been fighting on the South Shore with the influx of Brazilian surfers who are taking over the beaches; Onlookers said it was like really gay version of the Saving Private Ryan opening scene. They were ripping each other’s Lie's off, one man even got hit with a flip-flop. It was Gnarly

Page 3 in the independent isn't as fun; However the model does have a lovely pair of....glasses!

People with spinal injuries or neurological disorders such as Parkinson’s have new hope after a recent discovery that mouse embryo nerve cells can develop into human brain cells; side effects of the treatment could result in an irrational fear of cats, an overwhelming desire for cheese and looking like Lady Gaga:

Medical Pioneer / Mouse face

Geeez! The Independent is no gold mine; but it does have staples in so I could blog in the wind.

A Jewellery shop owner fought off a knife wielding robber with a broom; I think he swept his legs!

6 Mexican convicts attempted a 70mile swim in a prison escape attempt; Well we think they were Mexicans, they might just be British citizens that are taking part in Movember, this is the theory of Sebastian Coe who is trying to claim them for our Olympic team next year.

And this girl has a foot for a head:

Face Hopper

News for Dummies 24/11

A Dr in Miami has been arrested for injecting Cement into patient’s bottoms when they visit her for cosmetic surgery; The poor patients bust be shitting bricks!

Perverts are using satellite navigation technology to find kids; lazy bastards, when I was a kid they had to drive around aimlessly in a van and work hard gaining our trust with sweets and puppies. Now they can just buy a peeping TomTom.

Britain’s population could soar to 80million in the next 50 years; If Kerry Katona doesn't stop having babies.

Adele could return to the stage for the final of X-Factor after being out since October with a crippling throat condition; she has a rare condition fat people sometimes get where their throat is constantly being occupied by food making it virtually impossible to be used for singing.

A girl from Newcastle had her arm ripped off by a train when she took a glancing blow at high speed on a level crossing and Dr's at the RVI Hospital managed to sew it back on; This is why I love Geordie lasses, she probably didn't even flinch, just picked it up and took it to the RVI herself, I bet the arm didn't lose it's grip on the bottle of White Lightening she was holding either. And she probably still managed to use the dismembered arm to toss off the taxi driver to get to hospital for free! 

My dinner is ready and I have gig after so I gotta go but I'll leave you with a reason to feel good about yourself:

Embarrassment for Dummies 23/11

As I don't have a newspaper and I'm currently on a farm in Bristol so I'm not in a position to give you your usual dose of the news, HOWEVER, I found this blog I wrote in 2008 about one of the worst weeks of my life:

Written 3rd April 2008 (7 months before I started stand up comedy and just 4 months after I started dating Kylie)

I'm an optimist but I'm still gonna have to give the week I've had a 9/10 for being the shittest week ever, only failing 10 marginally as I didn't lose an immediate family member or get hit by a comet!! even My sense of humour struggled to get me through this one, Read On...

. . It all started when I nipped to the Dr's to check out my knee when I spotted a poster in the waiting room about if your arse is bleeding don't be afraid to mention it. So because I suffer piles, and get the odd spot of blood on the andrex (like you do) I thought I better speak up, so i mentioned my embarrassing trouble and he asked if I'd mind getting a camera up. . .

. . . . .at Wansbeck Hospital

. . . . where my girlfriends mam works.

. . . .putting camera's up!!!!

So you cant write this shit in a sitcom but luckily after coming to terms that my girlfriends mam was gonna get to know me "inside out" I dodged the bullet when the letter arrived asking me to go to Blyth hospital for an examination rather than a camcorder!

So I'm lying there with my ass in the air like a slut chatting away to the nurse, a nice, frail, knocking on retirement, oldish lady who is making me feel quite comfortable considering what she was about to do to me. When all of a sudden this Burley bloke comes in, a big, white, sausage fingered, Frank Bruno!! he just strolled right in there and took my innocence! I could have wept. . . the embarrassing thing is after his jabbing around up to his armpit in my Sunday lunch he told me there was fuck all wrong with me. . . not even piles!!, I just "Wipe my arse a little bet too hard!", Fuck, I woulda took ass cancer. . .or Aids of the rectum. . or anything, just just to justify what happened to me in there.

So I limped home to get on with my life, the day passed and I was a shadow of my former self, staring motionless out my bedroom window, I barely even blinked! A sleepless night followed waking up in cold sweats in the wake of my trauma. Then the next day came I laughed the whole thing off as it could only happen to me, cracked jokes about it with my friends in fact, then the evening came and fuck knows what I ate that day but God had it in for My ASS!

BOOM

The shit was flying out of me like I was a SUPERSOAKER3000 full of vegetable oil. .. took the enamel of the porcelain on my toilet bowl I think!! phew after 3 hours I opened the window and stood wafting the door for a while! I climbed into bed and nodded off. . . . .BIG MISTAKE!!

. . . So when I say shit the bed right, I don't mean like a wet fart, I'm talking a big patch of Rusty oil right where I'm lying. . . as I come around and started click on what has happened to me, It sinks in the first thing I have to do!!!

Wake Kylie up!!!!!!

What? I didn't mention I was sharing the bed at the time???? Because that would be the most embarrassing thing that could ever fucking happen wouldn't it???? to soil the FreeKin' bed with the girlfriend in it????

WHAT A WEEK

Final Thought

My worry is, Bad things come in 3's right? What ever could be next am I going to get raped or something??!! I don't want to know. But, There's only 1 ASS in EmbarrASSment and it's mine.

Me aged 24 - I've grown up now!

News for Dummies 22/11

Since I last blogged Fifa chief Sepp Blatter has announced racism can be resolved with a hand shake; fuck, if this pioneer around 60 years ago poor Martin Luther King would have got a repetitive strain injury.

Then the peoples moron Neil Warnock suggested all black people should rebel by not playing in the Next International match whichever nation they play for; Let’s hope the next match isn’t Italy Vs Tanzania, Mario Balotelli (the world’s only black Italian) will have to watch all his mates play against Albino’s

At least Wes Brown isn’t good enough to play international football otherwise he’s have a massive identity crisis

Xbox has been hacked and thousands of accounts could be at risk of identity and financial theft; fortunately the network won’t be going down like the PS3 did because Xbox users have no identity or money, however they are at risk of losing the imaginary points they earned by completing Viva Piñata.

Kenneth Clark is in trouble again for saying some rapes are worse than others; I’m inclined to agree having your bum raped is a lot different to having your facebook raped. One is an embarrassing violation of your human rights and the other is like having a big poo.

Prince Charles visited a Stella Artois brewery; Stella is known to us working class as wife beater, but I bet when he got home he hit Camilla she just ran faster and won by a nose.

A beach in Fife, Dalgety Bay, has been deemed radioactive; the mutations caused by the radioactivity is expected to counteract the mutations from all the inbreeding and finally Fifers will look like real people.

A 73 year old gran is claiming a Ghost with arms like an octopus is groping her at night and it's giving her the creeps; it might be the ghost of the dead 2010 world cup psychic, Paul the Octopus, coming back with predictions on which one of her boobs has a tumor.

Or it could just be Wayne Rooney!

News for Dummies 16/11

A government scheme has been announced that gives companies £1500 in cash for taking on youngsters as apprentices; I'm assuming the money is to cover the cost of everyone’s stuff going missing out of the staff-room!

Although it is nice to see a Tory government encouraging young people to find employment after decades of putting minors out of work.

Whacky TV show Shooting stars has been axed almost two decades after people got board of it; Who'd have thought rubbing your legs and saying "Erano" would ever get old!? I hope in 20 years time we aren't watching a weathered Keith Lemon on Celebrity Juice trying to get a few more chuckles out of "Cha-Ting"

Did some-one say flogging a dead horse??

Chantelle Haughton (Celebrity Big Brother) and Alex Ried (Got Aids from Jordan) are having a baby; by this pair mixing their DNA the baby will be so anonymous that no one will ever know it even exists, it won't have a name or NI number. This baby is gonna be off the grid!

Coronation Street actor Michael Le Vell who plays Mechanic Kevin Webster has been accused of touching kids; We should have clicked on when we saw him on TV with his head under a 6 year old Escorts bonnet. 

The Policeman blinded by Raul Moat has split up with his wife; the pair agreed it was never going to work out, after all, she's allergic to dog hair.

A woman has been fined £465 for throwing a fag on the ground outside her house; Shit, I bet there are Bouncers in Brighton that owe a few grand each!

A man caused criminal damage to his ex-girlfriend’s house after he logged onto facebook and saw she had posted pictures of his cock; as a man you regulate any photo's of your own cock, It's gotta be on at least a quarter chub and at a camera angle so crafty it looks bigger than your fore-arm. That said he should just click "like".... HOWEVER..... If he let her have pictures of his flaccid penis after a jog or after taking speed that she took from a distance, then he should be trashing his own house the Fucking Moron.

News for Dummies 15/11

“I’m a celebrity get me out of here” is back, Freddy Star has been rushed into hospital after eating a camels toe, it must have been Fatima Whitbread’s.

Fatima didn’t intend on being part of the show, she thought she applied for “I’m in a man’s body get me out of here!”

Home secretary Theresa May is being blasted for the state of our boarders; yeah Theresa we miss that book shop, next we’ll be hearing you were behind the downfall of MFI and Woolworths

Paris Hilton bought a £50 steak for a stray dog while on holiday in Bali; in other words, she ordered herself a meal.

In the House of Lords this week Lord King mentioned 89 year old Baroness Trumpington’s age and she responded by sticking her two fingers up; I know It was insensitive of him to mention a ladies age in public but there is no need for her to start masturbating.

Pete Doherty has fled from London because he said the ghost of Amy Winehouse is haunting his flat; I hope before he fled he hid his drug stash, maybe she isn’t haunting his flat, maybe he looked in the mirror, saw an ugly smack head who’s career had a short shelf life and denial kicked in!

Wayne Rooney has employed a team of Architects to design him a shed for his back garden; this is a pretty extreme measure to create storage for a quality street tub full of rusty bolts and washers, an old hose pipe and his stash of over 50’s porn mags.

9-5 jobs will soon be a thing of the past with demands on more flexible working hours; rendering Dolly Parton obsolete.

In other news, here is a brief argument I had with my Girlfriend yesterday:

Deans flowers, Blyth. £20 (argument resolved)

News for Dummies 11/11

A whistle-blower has announced UK boarders are at breaking point with more people entering the country illegally than ever before; but if it wasn't illegal to enter the country with 150ml of shampoo in your hand luggage than the statistics would be acceptable.

A Scotland Yard chief inspector was sacked for boasting about drugs and sex on a dating website; I blame Frankie Cocozza from X-factor, some-one should explain to that 18 year old tear-away about his responsibilities as a role model to senior members of the metropolitan police.

Ex Prime-Minister John Major said something about something or other; but he should probably concentrate on killing himself!

Scientists have discovered people who are stressed age faster; here are some of their case studies:

Tom Cruise: Can't find his keys

Usher: iPhone Battery ran out an hour ago

Gazza: No-one to go fishing with

A jealous wife caused a street in South London to be evacuated when police mistook the GPS tracking device she secretly attached to her husband’s car for a bomb; even if it wasn't a terrorist attack I reckon Seal Team 6 should still ice the bitch for being a cunt!

A woman survived a car crash with a punctured lung that would have been fatal if she wasn't wearing Chicken fillets to make her boobs look bigger; Why as a nation did we not make Princess Dianna more insecure about her little tits (not her children) we could have saved a national treasure.

Studies suggest a typical Adult makes 27 decisions in a day; unless of course you are a married man and then you make none, well, one, the daily decision not to murder your other half!

Wow that blog got very sexist towards the end.... Sorry girls..... now go do the dishes!!

News for Dummies 10/11

Olympic chiefs released a poster of London but they have insulted war veterans by airbrushing out the warship HMS Belfast from the scene; If only they could also airbrush away all their problems, like our poor traffic infrastructure, the increased threat of terror and Tessa Jowell's face.

Eye sore!!

MARIO BALOTELLI (I love this man) could be in trouble with the mafia after visiting the gangster HQ in Naples then bragging publically about how much drugs they had lying around; He got a fright when he woke up this morning to find a horse’s head at the foot of his bed... but soon realized he was top and tailing with teammate Carlos Tevez

A teacher is facing 60 years in jail for having sex with eleven of her male pupils aged 14-17; There are worries the 11 lads have been affected psychologically and may even spend the rest of their live high-5ing each other.

A postman who horded over 30'000 letters must pay a £1700 fine; he has also been kicked off the scrabble team.

A council has brought in Cows to cut down on expensive lawn mower bills; but you get what you pay for though, the original blokes that mowed the lawn for the council don't get tipped over by drunks in the night nor did they get kidnapped by students and wake up in halls of residence!!

I'd love to slap every member of One-Direction in the face with a trout

A man is fighting for his life after he was attacked by a swarm of wasps when he tried to clear their nest with an axe; what a useless cunt!! this is natural selection at its finest who attacks wasps with an axe?? If he survives he'll probably die attacking piranhas with nun-chucks. What a dick.

Two gay penguins have been split up in Toronto Zoo and coupled with female penguins; they don't  appear to be attracted to the female penguins but still touch them up when they're drunk they also cock-block any straight penguins that try to make a move on the other females. On the plus side, the zoo is really tidy.

Newcastle United's stadium has been renamed "The Sports Direct Stadium" By it's fat abortion of a chairman; Renaming our Stadium won't change 119 years of tradition, it's still St James' Park, if Mike Ashley officially changed his own name everyone would still call him a cunt!

Because today's news was slow there was a feature in today's papers about photo's of real Angry Birds, so here are a few:

News for Dummies 9/11

It's the real 9/11 I can't believe it's been over 10 years to this day since... Afroman "Because I got High" was number one in the charts. Let's have a minutes silence shall we.

Fifa have banned the England football team from wearing strips with the Poppy sewn into them as a tribute to our soldiers; I find this incredibly unfair considering they are still letting the French team keep the Chicken.

X-Factor "star" (I use the term star lightly) Frankie Cocozza gets kicked off the show for having a coke fuelled sex session; what are you doing having that much fun Frankie??? Who do you think you are using mind altering narcotics to enhance your OWN consciousness then following the force of mother-nature to then have SEX with chicks!! We don't want people having fun on our TV while we sit in our pyjama's drinking cocoa being told what to watch and how to think!! You know what we should do, brain wash the nation by villainizing him!

Look….The minute Frankie Cocozza took a line of coke off a sluts tit's is the moment I had any respect for a someone on X-factor. Fuck social conditioning!!

Joey Barton has been slammed by a disability charity for his calling The Only Way Is Essex "stars" (I use the term stars sarcastically) Retards; The charity need to understand he used the word "Retard" to dehumanise a group of people with special needs. It wasn't a dig at the people supported by their cause.

Watchdogs have revealed over 200 nurses in the UK are employed without their qualifications; So if you're reading this blog from a hospital bed with a catheter up your nose, you might want to start asking to see CV's.

Ex Man City star Garry Flitcroft has been asked by St Anne’s Church to remove a bench he had installed as a memorial to his dad;  call in a favour Garry, sit Man City’s Carlos Tevez on said bench and there'll be nothing St Anne’s can do to get him off it.

A woman died in hospital after she was wrongly given a "Do Not Resuscitate" tag;  The tag that was meant to go on her bed was given to a lucky old man who was in for his ingrown toe-nails but spent 4 hours receiving the kiss of life from unqualified nurses.

A smoke alarm started a house fire as it burst into flames in a family home in Yorkshire;  next we'll be hearing about condoms that get people pregnant, guard dogs that burgle your house and church workers that molest your children!!

News for Dummies 8/11

Sorry I've missed a couple days but while I'm on tour this will happen depending on the demand of the day and the hang-over....

A man is facing jail time for murdering a known paedophile, Dr. Conrad Murray is found guilty for Michael Jacksons death; This is a breakthrough case in American history, never has the justice system followed up so thoroughly on a black on black crime.

His fans celebrated knowing their hero will be looking up at them from Hell smiling and touching his crotch.

In jail forever.... for ever, ever??

Boxing legend Smoking Joe Frazier dies aged 67; his fate may not have come so early if he'd been known as Nicotine Patch Joe Frazier.

An anorexic mum aged 26, wears her 7 year old daughters dresses; she should be very careful, the last person who got into a 7 year olds dress got murdered by Conrad Murray

Friends of the Rooney’s think Coleen may be pregnant again as she hasn't touched a drop of alcohol in ages; This is worrying for Wayne, not that he doesn't want another kid, but if his wife doesn’t drink she will almost certainly stop being attracted to him.

There is outrage as John Terry could be called up for the England friendly against Spain while he is caught up in a race row;  he allegedly responded with the following "My conscience is clean, spick and span in fact!!" .... he just can't help himself. Team mates say he should pull out of the squad, they also tell Rooney he should pull out of his wife.





Movie producers are making a Hollywood feature length film of children’s book Where's Wally; there has been a growing demand to find the cult character behind the Statue of Liberty and the Eifel Tower, this comes after the nation was gripped on finding Osama Bin Laden, who it turned out was behind the twin towers.

There has been a recent twist in the trial against Conrad Murray; Scooby Doo ran into the court room and removed the Dr's mask to reveal it was actually John Terry

A third of single girls use their male friends for sex; the men in question are said to be devastated, befriending these girls on trust as some-one they can play football with in the park, lend money off and join their team on Call of Duty... just to be treated like a piece of meat!! Give me a break, this statistic just tells me 2 in 3 single girls don't have male friends!!

News for Dummies 3/11

Tottenham Hotspurs manager Harry Redknapp last night recovered from heart surgery; this is the biggest operation he has been through since he had a scrotum transplant onto his face.

cock

Statistics show more than 14 people die at their place of work every month; I must say from my own tragic experience it is a terrible ordeal watching one of your colleagues die in front of you, I mean, you never know what to say to them when they get off stage.

A Justin Bieber fan claims she has had his baby after a back stage romp they had 9 months ago; brilliant they can go to the same crèche. The young poet famously wrote these inspired lyrics:

I’m sorry Beebz but that is for Jeremy Kyle to decide!!  

The chief Executive of Lloyds bank who is worth over £13m has gone on the sick with stress; he has claimed it is down to physical exhaustion, hmmmm, he must do a star jump every time someone calls him a cunt!

David Cameron took time out of his busy schedule to take a course in wine-tasting; and I thought it was Nick Clegg who could taste sour grapes.

A 48 year old man has been arrested over the murder of his 87 year old girlfriend; suspicions arose when he grabbed a pillow after she asked him how he felt about the “youth in Asia”

A jealous controlling husband has been accused of secretly feeding his wife steroids to fatten her up; Is his wife Jodie Marsh and does she do a star jump every time some-one calls her a cunt??

loves cock

News for Dummies 2/11

Steven Gerrard has named his daughter Lourdes; he wanted to name her Michaela but couldn’t pronounce it without hocking up phlegm.

Olympic medallist Liz McColgan is being charged for assaulting her husband; Fair play to him, he tried to run away but it turns out she’s really quick.

Man it’s tough getting jokes out of the Metro newspaper…. This blog is gonna be short and will probably end with a photo montage

Due to Navy cutbacks the British coast hasn’t been guarded by a single battle ship for months; But it’s alright there is a constant stream of drunk, stoned and sexually aggressive Geordies travelling between Holland and South Shields. If any Somalian Pirates try to infiltrate our shores we can redirect the ferry and  tash the fuck oot of them!!

Scarlet Johansson has said she is not ashamed of the naked pictures that were hacked from her phone…… wait a minute….. There are naked pictures of Scarlet Johansson???..... brb… Here you go lads: The next 4 hours of your life and sorry the blog is late today :o)

Where was I…

Apparently Hugh Grant has a baby but no-one knows who the mother is; it’s like that time he had a career but no-one knew where the talent was!!

Syria have been planting land mines along its border with Lebanon, soldiers were spotted laying the explosives in Baalbek (Syrian for Berwick); The Lebanese were going to send in bomb disposal teams but first enquired about hiring Margaret Thatcher as they heard she was amazing at shutting down mines.

And here are some drawings of me from my twitter following:

By Arnie Hawking, aged 9

By Craig Buthead, aged 30

By Chesney Weasley, aged 14

By Roberto Cock, Aged 4ft7

Some Slut

By Chelsea Hudson-Humphries, aged 18

By what's his face, not sure of his age

make an effort

By a bit of a stalker, aged 16 i hope

By, Daniella Sloss, aged 1

News for Dummies 1/11

The ex husband of Scary Spice held their daughter captive during a custody visit; 12 year old Pheonix Chi Spice filed the offence to the police... Now if I knew I could get my parents arrested every time they grounded me I would have had a very different childhood, and Mr.Barrass would have got a lot more dog shit through his letter-box!

The longest serving  007 agent, Roger Moore, slammed the most recent Bond film (Quantum of Solace) stating it had a shaky plot; wait til he finds out the new James Bond is tipped to be Michael J Fox.

Study suggests happy people are less likely to die young....

"I'm living forever bitch!"

A teenager was jailed yesterday for stealing two left footed trainers during the riots; he would have got away with it but the police caught him running around in circles.

The "What's Mario Balotelli in the news for today?" Corner
Man City Striker Mario Balotelli has built a race track in his back garden; That's nothing, John Terry started a race row on his doorstep!

Mario Balotelli Kart

Susan Boyle has announced she is lonely and wants a man so bad she has baught a Donny Osmond Duvet; unfortunately for Donny it's a voodoo duvet and he now has broken ribs, smells of aids and hasn't stopped crying, shrieking or throwing up for weeks. He's nearly dead.

A man has been jailed for stalking his ex-girlfriend online after she aborted their child; he posted pictures of her boobies onto websites to get her back from holding ctrl+alt+delete on her womb, as if that will help matters, it will only encourage other men to kill their potential babies into a handful of kleenex!

Newlywed Kim Kardashian is set to divorce Kris Humphries after just 72 days; I think I know why......