News for Dummies 30/4

Elton John was spotted crying at the wedding yesterday. When questioned whether this was in happiness for William or sadness for Dianna he responded "It is probably just because I'm a big gay!"  

Shenanigans in Libya as the civil war spills into Tunisia, NATO's bombings of government buildings have Gaddafi (who looks like my mate Fen) shaken and requesting a cease fire for peace talks. To think this all started because they built a Tesco in the wrong place!!

Rumours are that NATO's involvement is motivated by the fact Libya have oil, such suggestions make me think we'd have been more forgiving to Hitler if Poland had oil.

Japan has released 4 Trillion Yen for rebuilding after the devastation, I just hope they aren't like the typical Brit who gets a home improvement loan then pisses it up the wall on a holiday in Benidorm a jet-ski and a trampoline for the back garden (all things we need obviously despite the fact every time someone has a shower water runs into the kitchen, that can wait) I think we can expect a new Super Theme Park in Japan any time soon!  

A bus full of funeral mourners fell into the river Nile because someone left the hand-break off on the ferry. I'm not saying it was a woman driver but a million garage doors would beg to differ. You're having a shit day if you're mourning a loss one minute the next minute you're treading crocodile infested water in your best suit.

TomTom are "sorry" for selling driver data to the police, I bet they are only sorry because the police have been turning up late to the wrong criminals houses!

Medical breakthrough a 5 minute test can detect autism in 1 year old babies..... well the test is actually 5 minutes and 17 seconds.

More than one in ten teachers have been attacked by parents, it's an interesting shift that the old people of today reminisce about times you could hit bad pupils while we'll be in our rocking chairs talking about the good old days when we could smack bad teachers.

The PlayStation Network is still down but it's not all bad. My dads garden is looking great, my brother in law has met his 9month old son and Matthew Canning has realised what life is like without suffering humiliating defeat on a daily basis.

My Girlfriend is at work so I'm off to have a wank in the living room with the big Telly

Over to Georgie Thompson with the sport....

News for Dummies 29/4 (Royal Wedding)

Loop Swoop and Pull mother fucker Wills and Kate tied the knot without any upset, Gazza didn't show up with a fishing rod, Harry refrained from shouting Paki at a wealthy sultan and Osama Bin Laden didn't fly a 747 into anyone.

It's hard to believe it's the same pot of money that insists on huge taxes on petrol and cuts on funding for education and healthcare that closed the streets of our capital city put 1000's of police on patrol and spunked millions on festivities as well as giving everyone a day off. It reminds me of the week I couldn't afford milk but somehow ended up waxing £200 on lap dances courtesy of Barclaycard.

The evening do could be interesting the Queen will be spewing into her hat while Prince Philip is making David Cameron sniff his fingers. Kate and William will pretend to be grateful when thanking everyone for buying them Argos vouchers and Harry will probably get blitzed on Coke and rim Wills' pint out of spite that he'll never be King!

......in other news

15 arrested for protesting Tesco location in Bristol after hurling missiles at police officers because it's obvious the police are solely responsible for the new Tesco location and need to feel pain for their suspect decision making. On that note there is a car dealership directly across the road from my house, I don’t want it there so I might go and punch a nurse in the face!

Barack Obama to visit tornado victims; he's just waiting for the dust to settle. Claiming "they need something to pick them up"

My friend Andrew Dyer has started going out with  a girl called Jenny but his facebook relationship status hasn't changed. Mark Zuckerberg has been informed of this disturbance in the force and will take immediate action on Andrew if he doesn't obey the rules of the new world order by Monday afternoon.

Academics claim calling animals 'pets' is insulting.... Said academics can lick my hairy balls clean and go shit in the garden, I'm a Geordie and call my own granny "Pet"   and for fuck sake my pet tortoise humps anything you put in front of him and he doesn't even get insulted when I call him John Terry.

Dannii Minogue had to have her appendix out Now she will never be able to eat grass again.

Research links spring births to Anorexia I completely disagree as Sean and Aimee's baby Lola spewed breast milk all over their friend Lindsey and I'd say this was a sign of an early Bulimic

Jill Dando is dead (I ran out of news stories)

Go fuck yourself San Diego

News for Dummies 28/4

Don't read the news I've done it for you this is all you need to know:

Jordan has been in a car crash <insert joke about airbags> she has been quoted in saying "The car crash was traumatic for me as it felt like a metaphor for my entire career and I don't even know what metaphor means!"

The Royal wedding is approaching and during this big day the queen WILL fart, if she doesn't she'll have an upset tummy by Saturday. Get used to the idea, her bum will open and create a smell during what is meant to be a romantic day. Can't take her anywhere

Tornado's are hitting southern parts of the states picking up trailer-park homes and dumping them in OZ (not Australia) where a bunch of read-necks have set off down the yellow brick road to ask the wizard for a full set of teeth and a tolerance for black people.

The PlayStation network is down which has lead to me writing a blog instead of waxing bad guys on call of duty.

A DJ on the Isle of White has been arrested for Racism because he played "Kung Fu Fighting" ........ AHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I will get round to writing a joke on this and it will have expert timing!

Geordie Shore cast is announced because the media has decided that Gazza hasn't done enough to make a twat of us, all we need now is Jimmy Nail to molest a child and Ant & Dec to become henchmen for Gaddafi. 

Bank robbers caught in USA after boasting about it on facebook..... Or if they have mates like me they didn't rob the bank at all, they probably just left their phones unattended at a house party.

Back same time tomorrow,

Stay classy San Diego!