News for Dummies 31/5

Last Bank-holiday weekend I reported on the death of terrorist leader Osama bin Laden. But this Bank Holiday a new evil rises as Killer Cucumbers infect 1000’s across Europe resulting in 16 fatalities already; The western world is now living in fear of the saladban and Alotment Qaida. The cucumbers are reported to be hiding underground but intelligence suggests they are not a root vegetable so probably aren’t.

 

33% of Rapists and Killers are foreign; but you know how you get when you have your holiday head on.

Food prices will double in the next 20 years causing mass world hunger; I doubt this theory because everybody has the “day before payday diet” of 9p Noodles from ASDA even if these inflate to 18p I’m sure we would manage.

Alan Titchmarch has said gardening turns him on and keeps his sex life going, as he grew his own vegetable and tossed it over a leafy salad. When questioned about the killer Cucumbers he said “I don’t support terrorism but it makes me horny!”

Traffic Wardens strike after receiving pay cuts refusing to cross the double yellow picket lines, I mean they would hate anyone to think they are scabs.

Germany is set to close their Nuclear reactors after the Fukushima disaster in Japan; Claiming they have not felt this much threat since the last time Japan suffered nuclear fallout 66 years ago.

You will be issued with an on the spot £80 fine if you swear in Barnsley; this must be a way to supplement traffic wardens pay, sort of a commission for every ticket they hand out.

A man is being quizzed over a fire which broke out in Tantons hotel in Devon; Quite an odd specialist subject to request on Mastermind but each to their own.

Naomi Campbell is considering taking legal action against Cadbury after claiming a 'racist' advertisement compares her to a chocolate bar; What? She seems like a good idea at the time but leaves you feeling guilty with a migraine?? You don’t fancy her all to yourself but would happily share her with your mate?? She make your dog throw up??

Keep fighting the good fight brothers and sister!!

When you come in from work and see your wife with a towel around her head and Cucumbers on her eyes. Be afraid.... be very afraid. The three forces of evil have combined!!  

News for Dummies 27/05

Elton John and his husband David furnish are the first gay parents shortlisted for celebrity dad of the year. My Dad is great but I once got roughed up on the school bus because he was seen coming out of Netto... now imagine the beating I would have got if he'd been seen coming out of Netto holding my other dads hand!!

Amy Winehouse popped into a shop to down a bottle of Vodka on her way to Rehab. It would be hypocritical of me to comment on this as I got flashed on the way to my speed awareness course, and wish I'd stopped for a bottle of Vodka on the way to conquer the boredom!

Simon Cowell axes Cheryl Cole from US X factor; We expect strike action, picketing and riots because that's what happened in the 80's up here when Maggie Thatcher stopped the Cole.

A one legged thief in Australia was caught after the police followed his footprint; Skippy, as I've chose to call him, had stolen goods in the front pouch of his jacket. Police were hopping mad when he tried to leg it, saying he didn't have a leg to stand on. He said they'd have done the same if the shoe was on the other foot.

Onlookers watched in HORROR (Fucking Horror!!) as a Lion ate a smaller animal that escaped into it's enclosure; Because Lions are renowned for skipping through the plains of Africa picking butter-cups and helping old ladies cross the road. If you don't want to witness nature then a Disney film is probably a better platform for your delusion than looking at an actual caged monster!

P.S. Just walk down the verge of any UK road to see how many cute animals the Human monsters mutilate!!

I think Dominique Strauss-Kahn might be John Leslie's long lost father.

A courier had his nose bitten off by a Dog.... How does he smell??

Birds have been found nesting in traffic cones; This isn't the first instance Tits were found in cones in most Maddona video's of the late 80's.

A south London School has banned hand-shakes High-5's and Hugs in a no contact policy; Hugs and Hand Shakes banned I could live with but High-5's??? How the hell are you supposed to react when your mate tells you they fingered someone?

It's Friday so I'll end on fingering.... start the weekend as we mean to go on eh!!?

News for Dummies 26/5

In the last year more than 200 driving examiners have been abused by people taking their test. But one examiner slapped the dashboard firmly and the abuse stopped immediately.

A poll was taken as to find out most hated sights on the beach, topping the list was hairy arm pits, sandals with socks and beer bellies; Yet much further down the list was “Sunburnt Children” I love that we would rather see a child in pain due to neglect rather than a German woman on the beach. Further down the list was dead puppies and rape.

The Soap manufacturer “Dove” has started a race row claiming it can improve your skin colour by making it lighter. However side effects of Dove include: Not being able to jump as high, poor coordination on the dance floor and a small cock.

A dating website for dogs called Mate Select has been launched; I think the misunderstood the concept of dog grooming.

A teenage boy who tried to insure his banger got quoted £18’000!!! This is insane! Who would insure a sausage!?

Here is an idea for a reality show: Take the cast of “Geordie Shore” and the “Only Way is Essex” Starve them for 2 weeks, strip them naked, lube them up and set them loose in Carindaru Prison in Brazil.  – I’m sure this would attract many viewers but also receive lots of complaints “Dear Point’s of View…. Why did they have to lube them up!?”

Funfair Boss Charlie Manning’s hearse passed through his beloved park in Suffolk; That didn’t take too long because it was speed night. The pall bearers had trouble lowering his coffin into the hole that wasn’t quite big enough but when they finally got it in they won a gold-fish.

Father of 3 David Harding has turned to counselling to fight Sausage addiction. He said the addiction is driving him up the walls, he finally sought counselling as it’s nearly got him bankrupt insuring the damn things!!

Now give the person sat next to you the middle finger.... just for the craic!!

News For Dummies 25/5

Mum of 2 Clare Scott has a rare disorder that causes her to fall asleep every time she laughs. At first she thought she was allergic to Penguin biscuits. The longest she has ever stayed awake at any one time is during a Jim Davison gig.

1 in 4 expectant father’s experience morning sickness, food craving and pains. (man the fuck up fella’s) On the flipside do 1 in 4 expectant mothers get in as many Xbox hours as they can before there life is ruined and hint at oral sex on a daily basis??  

A New Zealand man fell between the cab and the trailer of his truck, breaking the air hose which pierced his buttock and began pumping air into his body, which expanded dramatically to 100 psi. He survived and although he is not in a wheelchair his family have to pull him around on a piece of string. He feels like he’s let himself down.

Air Hostesses in China are being taught Kung-Fu to combat hostile passengers. They are also being thought Ventriloquism (actual word) so they can poorly lip sync a dubbed over English accent as they threaten them with violence.

Barrack Obama and David Cameron hold Number 10 talks; and agree Teddy Sherringham was their favourite.

Obama met Jedward and gave their hair the seal of approval, however we’d all been hoping he’d give his seals approval to scalp them!

Bruce Forsyth reveals he punched some-one for call him gay. Many male celebrities have also fisted a man for the same reason.

The first episode of Geordie Shore aired last night; Somebody tell me did they all catch Aids? Because I am only going to tune into the rest of the series if I get to watch them slowly die!!

News for Dummies 24/5

Lady Gaga admitted to having a three in a bed romp but refused to divulge the sexes of her fellow bedmates or herself. If it was 2 men I’m assuming one would have to poker face.

A 19yr old lad on holiday in Magaluf survived a 90 foot fall from a 7^th floor balcony by landing on a sun lounger; The staff quickly hurried over to where he lay injured to charge him 3 euro’s for use of the lounger.

A homeless Labrador found malnourished in an abandoned pub has went on to be a top Police dog. Whereas the Andrex Puppy is now a heroin addict and has caught ringworm off a dirty bitch. It’s not all about the start you get in life.

Britney Spears and Rhianna share a kiss half naked at the US Billboard Awards. 2 minutes…….

                                                                                    ……O.K. I’m back.

I watched Tango and Cash last night and when Kurt Russel sneaks out of the strip club in womans clothes it begged the question. Why was there a pair of size 10 High Heels in the dressing room??

I was worried about the ash cloud because I’m supposed to be on a plane this time tomorrow. But I don’t think the eruption will stop me taking quarter of an inch off my bathroom door.

Dangerous “Planking” (The Lying Down Game) photo’s have been making the news again. Here is my contribution:

Traffic Jams send men’s stress levels seven times higher than women’s; This is largely because most of those women aren’t stuck in the car for hours with their wife!

A Fearsom Leech with huge teeth has made the top 10 new species list. This leech was found in Peru and has been named:  “Camilus-Parkus-Bowlsus”

.....Thanks for reading mo'fo's. Take it easy!!

News for Dummies 23/05

Strong winds in the North with a band of rain moving South throughout the day and scattered showers in the…. Ooops wrong blog, that was meant for weather for dummies!

It seems Ryan Giggs has been tapping some bomb ass pussy and doesn’t want his wife to find out, A Scottish Newspaper found a loophole in the Super Injunction and revealed his identity. They have also outed 3 more love rats:

 

2 Whales beached in Scotland and almost 60 more nearly suffered the same fate after mistaking Susan Boyles singing for a mating call.

Armed response surrounded a Siberian Tiger in a field in Hampshire to find out it was just a stuffed toy. The police chief said “this was highly embarrassing but not as embarrassing as the last time we surrounded a wild animal in a field and enlisted the help of Paul Gascoigne”

The Eyjafjallajökull volcano has blown again fucking hell that was a mouthfull…..which is also what your mam says every time something blows.

Potholes less than 1.5 inches deep will not be repaired under a council cost-cutting move. But Stephen Hendry still qualifies for plastic surgery under this legislation       

Get this; Over the weekend a dude tried to get his pony on a train, then went for a pint with it at a pub where the pony got glassed in the face and then the man took it to A&E. The release of The Hangover 2 has been postponed as nothing they wrote into that scrip could top the flashbacks that dude will be having this morning!!

A girl, 19, was caught naked and handcuffed to a bed during a sex game....in IKEA! Her boyfriend Mr. Alan Key said he was having trouble screwing her at home!

A Doctor is facing the sack after suggesting The Bible to one of his patients. It probably wouldn't have been so frowned upon but the patients ailment was impotence and the bible isn't seen as suitable wanking material by the NHS (write your own joke about Psalms)

Well it's not the end of the world but I bet you got hammered on the weekend, pannicked and shagged a minger just in case. Now get back to work and think about your actions!!

News for Dummies 20/5

Jedward are to sing for Barack Obama in Dublin, The US President will be confused as to why Louis Walsh continually invades them both when they don’t even have oil!?

Irish undertakers have called for regulations to crack down on cowboy funeral services, (I love the stories in the papers over here) The Irish government rejected the proposed regulations claiming they’ll just end up with a big pile of dead cowboys!

2 Irish Barman are facing trial because a man drank himself to death (he didn’t drink himself that’s sick…. You know what I mean he drank so much (alcohol (whoa brackets within brackets within brackets it’s like inception)) he died)  I can’t believe they are blaming the barman, it’s like arresting the travel agent because Maddy went missing.

Michael Barrymore was rushed into hospital on suicide alert, hospital staff were tempted to let him get on with it, then dress him as a cowboy and ship his body over to Ireland.

Word finance chief Dominique Strauss Kahn roughed up two hookers that’ll teach them.

I mean who hasn’t smacked up a couple of prozzies, that’s the only reason I’m going to Amsterdam next month!

Supplements containing a vital ingredient could reduce complications in childbirth…I think that’s just called The Pill isn’t it??

Research has shown Viagra can make you go deaf; This isn’t good news for the Hard of hearing. And that’ll put an end to phone sex for my Granddad Harry!

I hope you enjoyed the hungover as fuck at 2 in the day news.... back on Monday at the usual earlier time of 12pm.

If you read these blogs please remember to share them on the social networks!!

News for Dummies 19/5

Police told their pay will be cut by one fifth but despite this news work-rate has increased and productivity has doubled as police seize twice as many drugs from dealers.

Keneth Clark is being slated for claiming some rapes are more serious than others; Like for instance Facebook rape is very different to arse rape. One leaves you feeling violated, traumatised, humiliated and emotionally damaged. And the other gives you a sore bum.

Scientists claim happiness can kill after discovering that people who are too full of joy die younger than their more downbeat peers. So I hope you know every day that I write this blog I am slowly killing you all!!

Japan slides into recession. 28 % of Manchester Utd season ticket holders won’t renew…. Just saying!

Rod Stewart turns 65 and claims he can’t wait to use his bus pass; What?? To rack up a line of coke?

Wayne Rooney had a row with a Liverpool fan online; spell check has phoned in sick today due to stress and exhaustion.

Clumsy Dr’s accidentally left a 12 inch spatula in a patient’s stomach after surgery… When the man found out he flipped, he said just the thought of what they did turned his stomach.

An Illegal trafficking ring has been bringing Viagra into the UK. You would think I’d have remembered that episode of captain planet. They claim it was for personal use but I’m not sure that will stand-up in court.

The Guinness book of records announces Maria Gomes as the oldest person in the world at 114 years old…. The miserable old bat.

Now get back to work!!

News for Dummies 18/5

Arnold Schwarzenegger confesses he has a love child to his maid; and that he regrets his off screen catch-phraze “I’ll Bare Back!”

A family of Romanian Gypsies have rinsed £800’000 from our benefit system; Making our gypo’s look like proper Muppets as they struggle to make ends meet by steeling lead from school roofs and rummaging through skips. It’s funny that even our criminals are having their jobs taken by foreigners.

UK commit to building a new nuclear reactor; after seeing the support Haiti, Australia and  Japan got from the worlds economy in the wake of their disasters it seems only sensible to build a time bomb that we could set off whenever we need to sub some money.

Studies show that when times are tough biscuit sales soar. Is this really how people deal with their problems? I bet colonel Gadaffi is sat right now tucking into a pack of custard creams. And someone should offer Arnie a hob-nob.

What did you do at work yesterday Mr Justice secretary Kenneth Clark?? “Oh it was a productive day; I reduced the jail sentence for rapists!”  …..and I thought the bloke who gave me a parking ticket was a cunt!!

 O2 goes down and millions lose signal as a major mast in London was taken by thieves; three network wish they’d thought of that excuse. (and that’s the spirit British Pikey’s we knew you were up to the challenge)

Men who drink lots of coffee dramatically cut their risk of prostate cancer; but if this doesn’t fend off the big-C then simply dunk a digestive in your coffee.

A British woman is allergic to electricity, this means she cannot go near the iron, washing machine, kettle, hoover….. oh you sneaky bitch, pull the other one!!  I hope her husband has realised this doesn’t stop her doing the fucking dishes!!

Enjoy the rest of your day and have a biccy on me!! :o)

Lionel Richtea

News for Dummies 17/5





The queen is set to visit Dublin, I wonder if she looks up at the giant spire on O’Connel street and says “We’ve got a massive prick like that in our country, he’s called Nick Clegg!

A couple have named their new born daughter “Like” because of their obsession with facebook, with this name the girl is likely to struggle with friend requests and she is destined to become a chav who will get poked behind a wall.

Minister John Hayse addressed the house of commons with a speech that was word for word lifted from Wikipedia. Doesn’t he know Wikipedia is often made up and could lead to him telling untruths? Christ, imagine that…. A politician lying!!

Vatican tells Bishops to set clear strategies against child abuse, I have severe doubts about any organization that has to take these actions, put it this way if Microsoft had a history that required such “strategies” I’d be writing this blog on a Mac. Unsubscribe from your God now and shut this cult down.

Soldiers hunt for 3 AWOL goats which escaped Camp Bastion in Afghanistan. This trivial mission tells me the war on terror is finally over but we are still very much in a nanny culture. The British army have deployed trolls to sit under the bridges at each exit of the settlement.

Maths teacher jailed for assaulting teenage pupils, right that’s it no more maths for me; I’m not even going to work out my change at the shop. Everyone unsubscribe from maths right now!!!

I just looked at the business section of the news and it confused the shit out of me. Up until now I just thought FTSE was flirtatiously kicking the legs of the girl opposite you under the table. And Dow Jones was the Chinese kid in class whose mother married a brick layer.

Avram Grant should probably kill himself.

Two youths have been arrested for chasing Penguins around their enclosure at Scarborough Sea Life Centre; Unfortunately the penguins are not fans of Benny Hill and were left traumatized, they are now on anti-depressants and one of them even has a stitch.

See you tomorrow fuckers!!

Kai's Perrdcast #1

Kai's Perrdcast #1 <<< Click Me!!

New podcast, each week (after this one it will be on Sundays) I will upload a podcast where I will be shooting the breeze with some of my favorite people. This week's guest is my good friend Craig "Rickets" Adam who I worked with at Ashington Leisure Centre 10 years ago, been comrades ever since and now works and lives with my brother in Runcorn. True to Craigs fine form we spend most of this Perrdcast talking about jacking off... Enjoy!

News for Dummies 16/5

The Lying Down Game - Fun but Deadly!!



A game created by my good friend Craig Adam has made international news as an Australian man fell to his death playing “The Lying Down Game” on a 7^th floor balcony. There is blood on Craigs hands and I hope he can sleep at night; Craig started the facebook group back in 2009 and although I am listed as an officer all fatalities are on the conscience of Mr Adam (Murderer)

Link: Lying down game facebook group

Outrage as Newcastle United striker Nile Ranger is photographed posing with a gun; But its O.K. he doesn’t know how to shoot, he probably even had trouble getting it in the box.

SEAL-Mania hits the USA after the elite team assassinated that tall bloke, Americans are rushing out to buy T-Shirts with slogans on and memoirs. Some even turned up at sea world with a bucket of fish.

For fuck sake everyone is killing each other, a Massacre in Guatemala, bomb blast in Iraq, Attacks in Egypt, Something is happening in Syria but I never click the news link. Why can’t they all just hold hands and sing Kum-ba-Yah for crying out loud. They ought to be bloody ashamed of themselves. F-ing Ninkumpoops!!

Malaysian opposition leader Anwar Ibriham is facing trial for buggering another bloke (that’s naughty there); but when our opposition leader bums the actual prime-minister they call it a coalition.

Stephen Hawking has dismissed heaven and the afterlife as a 'fairy story’ I doubt the stairway to heaven was a very promising thought for him anyway!

UK Bosses ban facebook at work according to everyone’s statuses!

Lady Gaga breaks 10 million twitter followers; Chuck Norris is the only other person to have had this many followers but he lost their tail.

Kai Humphries just made up his own Chuck Norris joke

Blue came 11^th in the Eurovision song contest but it wasn’t all bad for Anthony Costa, because he had so few points that evening he could treat himself to a kebab and a Pint of Larger and still be under his weight-watchers daily limit.

Like this blog? Share it with your friends..... or I'll share my DNA with your mam!!

News for Dummies 13/5

All of a sudden the McCann’s are all over the news papers, I turn on sky news and they are doing a press conference. I’m trying to avoid the story because I’d rather not make jokes about a missing child. But the real reason for all this media attention dawned on me when I walk into Asda and I see her looking up at me…. From the front cover of their book, reasonably priced at just £9, the going rate for a piece of your soul.

BT’s profits have soared by 71% yet prices are still going up. I have been trying to complain all morning but I am still on hold to their international call centre in Asia.

Alarm that School exams are getting easier, The only thing I learned in school was that being disruptive meant you had to stay back after class. I tried to apply this in everyday life by being naughty during my driving lessons but they didn’t keep me back for extra lessons. I feel let down by the system; kids should be learning skills they can use.

Jedward (John and Edward Grimes) are planning on buying the house from Home Alone for $1.5. I just hope Harry and Merve do a better job of catching these little bastards because Michael Jackson isn’t around to finish the job off this time around.

A cashier sacked for stealing money has hurled a petrol bomb inside a bank in north-western China. This has shown good insight from the British way of doing things, because when our bankers steal money we give them bonuses! What started as a scandal is now seen as counter terrorism.

Facebook have hired a PR group to badmouth Google. This claim has put uncertainty over the following news headlines: Google has got dickies, Google still wets the bed and Google’s mam shops at Netto!

Torries blasted for making kids pay to use public parks this is a disgrace because they’ve already paid through the nose (lol) for the drugs they were going to use in there, how far do you think their EMA is going to stretch!?

Heather Mills has broke her shoulder in a bad Ski accident, I hear skiing holidays cost an arm and a leg!!

Blogger has been disabled (political correctness Kai choose another word!!) Blogger was Down (Kai that’s worse….) Look blogger was being fucking retarded this morning, so better late than never!!

Have a great weekend lets hope something huuuuge happens to make Monday interesting!!

News for Dummies 12/5

Road deaths are set to become a bigger killer than AIDS but this doesn't make for quite as catchy a song on Team America. Rumour has it that road deaths first came about when some-one fucked a monkey on the spine -road.

Florists claim this is great for business as people don't decorate lampposts in areas where people die of aids.

Protesters gather outside the Ugandan embassy to protest against the anti-gay bill, but Bill says he's entitled to his opinion.

The Telegraph claim Britain is the hot-bed of Europe for legal highs. I beg to differ with this statement I was in Amsterdam last month and every fucker was happily cycling around off their tits with no compromise to the law.

I actually can't believe cannabis isn't legal in this country, yet alcohol is. There have been countless acts of violence using the vessel the drink was served in to "glass" people and I can guarantee no-one has ever been hit over the head with a bong.

Quentin Tarantino has declared he wants’ Lady Gaga in his next film, this has generated a lot of excitement as we might get to see a realistic depiction of Gaga in a gory death scene.

It is announced that having 5 cups of coffee per day reduces breast cancer risk. Is this a long handed way of saying "Sleep causes cancer"?

A previously undiscovered fungi found in a garden pond in Essex is a breakthrough in micro-biology, but ITV2 claim they have beat the scientist to the punch with the utter pond-life they have discovered on the only way is Essex.

Vicky Collins from Littlehampton, West-Sussex has married her boyfriends dad. Her ex boyfriend Sean should get his own back and complicate matters by marrying Vicky's mam. This would then make his dad his son in law and Sean would become his own granddad.....

EXCLUSIVE TO NEWS FOR DUMMIES:

Despite the Super Injunctions keeping it from the media the following accusations were made on facebook about my friends this morning: 

• "Peter Tate once gave Annie Lennox a candlelit sponge bath in return for a grilled cheese sandwich"
• "Drew Tinsley loves to put his sisters dirty knickers on his head, inhale deeply and have a finger in his arse whilst wanking and when he comes he shout EA SPORTS ITS IN THE GAME"
• "Liam Rogerson got his hair cut at Toni and Guy"
• "Al Dawes bit the head off a rabbit"
• "Peter Tate was once convicted for stalking Roy Castle and blowing cigerette smoke over him as he slept"
• Ross Peak once cut of both his feet with a rusty bow saw, the ran across two fields of salt and vinegar crisps, just to smell the exhaust fumes of the van taking Peter Tate's Sisters dirty knickers to the laundrette.



Peter Tate - Shamed!



.....Add me on facebook to see the full list of rumours and accusations!



No news used to be good news but tell me could you have went on without that information!??

News for Dummies 11/5

Osama's son, Hamza Bin-Laden (dubbed "The Crown Prince of Terror") is on the run and vows to take revenge for his fathers death. I just know that similar spin offs such as Saved by the bell - the new class, She-ra, Mrs Columbo and Gadget Boy never really took off. We can expect Hamza to knock on letter boxes then run away and to let down car tyres - Today we enter a new war: The War on Nuisance!

1 in 5 Workers in Rome are taking the day off and fleeing the city because a seismologist from 1915 predicted a huge earthquake on this day. The remaining 4 in 5 were declined their holidays because quarter past seven the evening before isn't enough notice to have a holiday granted.

A man committed suicide by hurling himself from 147th floor of the worlds tallest building in Dubai, he didn't break any records though, just his neck and the last millisecond of his ego as he reached his death on the 108th floor. Epic Fail

He ended it all because he was denied leave from work, cue thousands of deaths in Rome, if not from them falling off buildings then from buildings falling on them!

An actual headline on The Guardian website reads: "Disabled People March in London" Are they taking the piss out of me? Do they think I need help with my blog or something, I'm meant to be doing the fucking jokes....... oh my god it goes on to refer to the organizer of the event "The Chairman" why do I even bother!!

A Welsh girl, Erin Moran, was struck by lightning through her bedroom window; in a flash she went from counting Elephants to counting Sheep (a favorite pastime in Wales.) I remember the first time I got struck by lightning in my bedroom, my friend Callan Jones was Raiden on Mortal Combat and hit Quarter circle back+HighPunch.

A 12 year old boy from Cambridge wore a skirt for school, using this loophole in the rules as a protest that boys at the school can't wear shorts in the summer. What a puff!

Google have announced they will make household appliances like Dish Washers did you mean: Dick Wankers and Light bulbs did you mean: Large Boobs. They should concentrate more on making TV remotes, batteries and pens that work because I'm always searching my house for those things!!

Noel Gallagher and Gary Neville engaged in a twitter beef, it's like Pac and Biggie all over again! Except with 2 boring as fuck, ugly, monotone, pussies with expired careers that should it come to blows no-one would get hurt!

Celebrity Jungle's Aggro Santos has been held for "Hotel Rape" Shit, I rape hotels of their towels shampoo and cups all the time, I better lay low for a little while!!

Please feel free to share these blogs with you're friends and if you are my one reader from senegal you owe me $10'000 for that car you bought of me that I shipped out to you last month, the bankers draft bounced!!

News for Dummies 10/5

Thousands of Women will join the "SlutWalk" (Their words not mine) in a half naked march through London to Protest against sexual violence. It’s a shame none of these hippies are going to be fit or I would have took the train journey just to fill the "spank-bank" (my words not theirs)

This is a great idea though, any man with psychopathic tendencies will see these semi-dressed angry women and go "ahhh yeaaahh, I was about to go and assault a chick but since they put it like that I'm going to go home and watch scrap heap challenge, what was I thinking"

Two "living statue" street performers came to blows on London’s south bank leaving one severely injured and one facing four years in jail. The "Invisible king" clobbered the "silver wizard" over the head with a rock but at this point onlookers were confused as to what was stone and what wasn't. One bystander said "It was like playing world of war craft on acid"

Teenage girls terrorise a suburb in Blackburn, first Al Qaeda and now this!!! Look, if you are so weak you can fall victim to "terror" from teenage girls you deserve it.... Blackburn you big bunch of Pussies, man up and grow a pair!!

Research shows that breast fed babies are better behaved, this is because you have just sucked on your mams boob, it's quite humiliating and leaves you subdued for the next couple of hours as you reflect your actions.

Ed Milliband is being blasted for having a limp handshake, and rightly so, there is nothing worse than a handshake that feels like someone has just handed you a flaccid cock. Sissies that can't shake hands properly should be shipped over to Blackburn to be bullied by teenage girls.

Police are hunting for a man who abducted and raped a cat, who'd rape a cat, they're not even sexy! The cat-napper is expected to have scratch marks (which insinuates the cat enjoyed it) and is probably up a tree. In the wake of this horrendous attack, 1000's of cats will march through London with their tails in the air.

I think 16 across in the Sun's (coffee time) crossword is Vagina.  

Climate change will affect our Wi-Fi. We had come to terms with tides destroying civilisations and 1000's of species becoming extinct but Limited Porn Access!!?? Now you have our attention, I'm off to get some energy saving light bulbs.

Have a nice day everyone and always remember, you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friends nose!!