News for Dummies 30/6 - Guest written by Daniel Sloss

Kai is still in Amsterdam and is currently as stoned as an woman who voiced her opinion in Iran.

Let's do this shit! Are you ready? No? Well, I'm a blog rapist so you can say no all you want, it's still gonna happen.

I saw a fat man fall down yesterday and two men yelled "WAYYY!!". It sounds sad, but I bet it was the first time he'd been "Way"ed without breaking a set of scales. Ay? Ay? See what I did there? It's not as good when it's written out in front of you, but hey! Never stopped Stephanie Meyer (the Twilight bitch)

Peter Crouch is marrying his girlfriend today and they're getting falcons to drop of the rings. Not coz it's romantic, it's just the only way to get the ring up to him.

Andy Murray is through to the semis. Throughout the entire match the camera kept switiching to his ******* "****". I'm not saying ***'s ****, I'm just saying that the way *** decided to arrange the foreskin coloured playdo that is *** **** must've dried up in the heat. It had more cracks than Kerry Katona at parents evening.
*censored by our agent!!

Nothing has actually happened in the world today. There is nothing in the news. But, the "Journalists" at the Sun are so good at scraping the bottom of the barrel that they could be the talent scouts for the next Britains Got Talent. These are 3 actual "headlines" in the news.

Cheryl Cole has gone blonde - This is to finally stop people confusing her as an intellectual. The only time I will ever care about Cheryl Coles hair is if I have one of her pubes stuck between my teeth.

A mouse got sucked into a hoover - AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Fucking Christ, why is this news?

The Pope has tweeted from his Ipad - making him the first member of the Catholic Church to finger something under 2 years old without everyone going mental. The dirty, old, peedo-housing, scare-mongering cunt.

Well... I'm in an airport and some old man has taken my newspaper and claimed he bought it himself. This is what old people do, lie and moan about the younger generation and then complain about how things were easier back in their day when things were expensive and the only really problem was when your wife got raped by a Pterodactyl and everyone had rickets and scurvy because they were real men. This means I can no longer summarise the news...

Todays blog has been a lot like having drunken sex. We both went into it really confident, and at one point or another we have both enjoyed it a little bit, but sadly I've not put as much effort in as I've been distracted and neither of us is sure if I'm actually capable of finishing. So lets call it a night and I'll slip you one in the morning. Kay? Kay... LOVE YOUR FACE

News for Dummies 29/6 - Guest written by Daniel Sloss

YAY! It’s another daily news blog. With me Daniel Sloss! OMFGWTFBBQ!!!

It’s another day where I am summarising the news while Kai is in Amsterdam desperately trying to haggle down the price of a prostitute despite the fact that she has a gorgeous adams apple and only does anal.

What interesting has happened in the news today? Nothing. Like always, but thanks to The Sun (which is like getting the news from a child who vaguely overheard the news from two adults) they’ve managed to compile a massive list of things I couldn’t give a shit about. Here it goes!

MPs have been having a go at Scottish gas for spending too much cash… That’s a bit like the pot calling the kettle black (dirty racist pot). That’s like Josef Fritzl hosting DIY SOS. Or Susan Boyle on How to Look Good Naked. Or Justin Bieber on Why Abortions are Bad. (note, this is not a show, nor should it be)

Speaking of shit shows. Has anyone seen Snog, Marry Avoid? I don’t know why I asked, it’s not like you can answer. This is a pre-written blog. By the time you read this I’ll be having a wank. Anyway, I watched it yesterday. I didn’t realise that it was 3 options. I thought it was the 3 stages of being in a relationship.

Hulk Hogans ex-wife has claimed that she was always so scared that he was going to kill her in a drug fuelled rage. What a moron. Doesn’t she know wrestling is fake? He wasn’t actually hitting her, he was just making it look like he was hitting her. “He tore my shirt off.” That’s his entrance you stupid bitch! “He was always telling me what to do?” Well, Hogan does know best.

Another shitty ned has been sent to jail for stabbing someone coz he’s a dick. The kind of kid that had a fucked up childhood, you know, the kind of household where “SAY UNCLE!” had an entirely different meaning. Anyway, he’s gone to jail where he’s going to get out in 6 months coz the judicial system in Britain is fucked. My mate once got smacked over the head with a brick by a ned, and the ned got fined £80. That was it. Not only is that shocking, it’s also fucking worth it. I’d pay him £80 to smack him over the head, he’s annoying as shit.

Prince Harry has a new girlfriend or something like that. She’s fit, he’s posh. They sat down and she said “I’d love to meet your dad.” to which the reply was “ME TOO!”

An NHS nurse (who’s a bloke) is offering backstreet silicone ops into mens penises to make them bigger. First of all: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Second of all: the picture they’ve used is a No More Nails gun. Fuck. How’s that gonna help? Is he gonna stick another one on the end?

A mother who’s son died after choking on a grape made a statement yesterday while choking back tears. <-- There is no punch line there, I just thought The Sun could’ve phrased that a bit better.

Two and a Half men have decided to kill Charlie Sheens character off in the series. They don’t know how they’re going to do it, but they’ve said they’re going to make sure it’s not funny. Much like the entire TV show.

Andy Murray is in the paper with Rory McIlroy. I haven’t read the article, but by the looks of it they’ve tied in the annual “Smile like a stroke victim” competition.

WHAT TIME IS IT?!?!?!? PUN TIME! LETS ROCK THIS LIKE KAI ROCKS THE BEDROOM. Not very well and we’ll all be a bit embarrassed by the end of it.

Simon Cowell says he backs Louis Walsh 100% - Louis is disappointed they don’t take turns.

Shia LeBeouf says he had an off screen fling with Megan Fox - where she FLUNG him off! HA! Dirty bastard.

Boy chokes to death on grape - before he passed he gave out a little wine! HA! That’s stolen from like the 1960s…

Well that’s all from me today. I’ll be back tomorrow where I will be inexplicably mean about people in the paper who I’ve never met just because I can. Kai sent me a text yesterday saying he was “Higher than a giraffes fanny.” but coming to think of it, he was probably about to hire a gyrating fanny.

News for Dummies 28/6 - Guest written by Daniel Sloss

Hello. My name’s Daniel Sloss. You know? The comedian off the telly? The blonde one. No not Russell Howard, the one with the hair! No! Fuck Chris Ramsey! Not him! The Scottish one! Kevin Bridges? I wish… No… You know what, fuck it.

I’m taking over Kais blog for the next few days as he’s playing hooky in Amsterdam… no wait, I misread that text. He’s paying a hooker in Amsterdam. Sorry, my bad.

Doing this blog will be a lot like babysitting someone elses child, I’ve just got to be nice, have fun with it and try my hardest not to fuck it.

I want to make sure I don’t change to blog, so I’m going to try and keep as much in tone with the blog as Kai normally does it.
ALREET PET! WAY AY! FOOKIN A! Aww ah loov me blog me, something something something. <Insert personal joke> rape joke. Smiley face YER MAM

Britain has released a list of it’s 10 most wanted criminals who are believed to be on the run in Holland. Holland and Britain have put a joint appeal out to the public to help track them down. A joint appeal? Are we going to go looking for them stoned? I don’t think that’d work. “Where are they?” “Uhh… McDonalds…” “You sure?” “Ehhh yehhh… You got a tenner?” "You're a shit detective Kai."

The Tennis is on and still-British-for-the-moment Andy Murray has gone through. YAY! He’s so confident that if he gets knocked out he’ll have to leave the competition with his tail tucked between his legs. Unlike Serena and Venus Williams who enter the competition with their “tail” tucked between their legs already. HA! It’s funny because they look like men. Totally original concept, ah thank you.

Kate and Wills were at the tennis and Will joined in the Mexican wave! YAY! Who gives a cunting-shit? Seriously? He originally didn’t want to because when he joined in one when he was younger his dad told him to stop being French. It says here that tennis fan Tom Williams said “It was great to see.” From this we can safely deduce that Tom is a sad, lonely douche bag.

A 23 year old chavvy bell-end was sent to jail yesterday for a bunch of crimes and some shit coz his parents didn‘t hit him hard enough as a kid. Anyway, the point is he’s been nicknamed “super-ned”. Now is that not just the worlds shittest super-hero. How did he get his powers? A radioactive STD from his uncle? Did someone switch his MD 20-20 for WD40? Super-ned? More like Man of “Steals shit”… Ay? Ay? See what I did there? Coz of Superman and Super… fuck it.

A swarm of bees killed 4 horses. This is obviously a terrible thing and is no laughing matter… Until you picture it. Go on. Actually close your eyes and picture what that must’ve looked like. Lolcano!

Dundee have been forced to admit they have no zombie plan. This is not true, they do, they’ve had one for years. If a zombie puts it’s mouth on any member of the public in Dundee it will die instantly of either heart-disease, gonorrhoea or shame.

That’s 5 quite mediocre topical gags. NOW LETS GET SOME PUNS!!! WOOP! WOOP! That’s the sound of the police. Or unless you’re from Scotland in which case “Hud oan… Ah said hud oan! Ah dinnae care how many times ye’ve bin stabbed I cannae hear ye when ye shout. So calm doon and all send the police roond. Whet? Aww fuck this.” is the sound of the police.

Police to axe oak desks - I wood!

Gay magician misery at homophobic audience - he should’ve made them all go “poof”

A man proposed to his wife during a poker game - they were two of a kind, she was all flushed, she felt Queen high, she hoped in a couple of years to have a full house, but it turns out he wasn’t straight.

A landlord has won a toe-wrestling competition in Derbyshire - what a toe-tal waste of time.

Well I hope that was as soul-destroying for you as it was for me. This is why I stick to the wank jokes. Anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow for some other terrible terrible jokes and you’ll miss Kai more than Kylie does when there are no double-a batteries left

News for Dummies 27/6

A close friend of David Cameron was found dead in a porter-loo in Glastonbury after 20 hours; I bet the queue was massive, Cameron described his friend as "his rock" this is because he picked him up in Blackpool and he made his hands sticky.

The "Ministry of Defence" is set to have a reshuffle; but they are undecided whether to call it "Feisty Fenced Minor" or "Noisy Centred Miff"

Jennifer Aniston get's a tattoo of her dead dog's name on her foot; (I think that's what she did, is her dog called Left?) that's devotion though, I once wore trainers without socks and my foot smelt like my dead dog.

While we're on ex friends cast members David Schwimmer claims he will not be responsible for his actions if he ever meets the paedophile who abused his former girlfriend when she was a child; But the attacker claims "We were on a break!" which is strange because Americans usually call it recess.

Well where the fuck were the dinner ladies????

Police escorted a man to safety after he attempted to walk 26 miles on the hard shoulder from Doncaster to Hull; A police spokesman said it was a very dangerous act that could have resulted in a fatal accident that would have gruesomely killed him and endangered other motorists or worse still he could have ended up in Hull

70% of Cocaine tested has been cut with a worming drug; that will explain why Charlie Sheens dog doesn't stop barking on about itself, and also why Bree Olsen never drags her arse across the carpet. Although technically they are the same person.

Scotland yard have announced that police must justify putting people in handcuffs; about time!! I was getting sick off been handcuffed willy nilly for no reason.

Scientists in Holland are close to creating a test-tube burger out of stem cells; Only a nation who are constantly stoned and on the munchies would snub cancer research in the pursuit of a tasty meat sandwich....... Speaking of which, my boat leaves in a few hours!!

I'm off to Amsterdam for the next 2 days but I have enlisted a special celebrity guest writer for the next two blogs while I'm away!

News for Dummies 24/6

Barcelona have bid £27m for Cesc Fabregas; I'm sorry but if I had £27m to spend I would buy a Harrier Jump-Jet and a Castle!!

Education Secretary Michael Gove urges schools to stay open during the teachers strike on June 30th; this date will be known as National Bully Day "In the yard no one can hear you scream Miss" Fat and Ginger kids turn to God.

A jet carrying 5 Iranian scientists has crashed; Now I'm don't normally buy into conspiracies but it doesn't take Scooby Doo to raise suspicions on that one.

Kenneth Clark spent £27m on Consultants, he could have had Cesc Fabregas.... and lets face it premiership footballers probably know more about rape laws than the consultants anyway!

A postman who stole packages from the sorting office last year was let off lightly after claiming he suffered flashbacks from a scary roller coaster ride; Really!?? I wonder if I could get away with robbing a bank because I still get flashbacks of the time I got hit in the face by one of those All-Terrain footballs (the one with the dimples) on a winters morning during a game of heads and volleys when it was clearly stated "No Blasties"

A driver has been sentenced to 3 years in prison for failing to tell the authorities he has epilepsy; He should probably avoid the "flash-back" loophole

Lady Gaga cried at a conference in Tokyo remembering the victims of the Tsunami; After witnessing this natural phenomenon on Lady Gaga's face Japanese volunteers had a "Eureka!" moment and rushed to pack the coast lines with loads of Make-Up.

A 2 year old boy took a 24 mile journey after crawling unattended onto a bus; The poor boy had to sit through hours of chavs playing mobile phone music, a drunk mumbling to himself and an old lady shouting conversation into a strangers face. The boy has been put down as these flashbacks could have turned him in to the next Hitler

News for Dummies 23/6

What's with all the groping this week? I've already covered a politician and a sales manager each getting there grope on now a cop groping a woman and LOUIS WALSH with some bloke; What ever happened to getting a nod of consent before touching a person’s private parts?? I usually go for humour in my rants but today I want to send a message: Will everyone please stop bloody groping each other!? Not only is it wrong but I am really REALLY running out of fucking grope jokes!!

A sheep dog is turned on by a flock of sheep which proceed to chase him out of the field; I thought sheepdog were meant to be intelligent, why didn't he just run away from them in the direction he was trying to herd them?? They probably just wanted to grope him!

Someone grope Kenneth Clark for fuck sake, he's at it again.

A deadly new strain of salmonella has been found in pigs; so don't grope any pigs and be carefull with your beer goggles this weekend, you don't want to wake up next to one.

A 26 year old man used a crowbar to break into a man’s house in Manchester to steal his belongings; so the homeowner proceeded to break into the burglars ribcage with a knife and stole the air out of his lungs. Finally. A story with a happy ending... and thankfully no-one was groped!

A pill has been created for healthy women to help ward of the threat of cancer;  to qualify for the pill women must first pop in for a mammogram..... oh I see where this is going!!

Country music legend Glen Campbell has announced he has Alzheimer’s; we can expect to read this news story every day for the foreseeable future. It is a little known fact that people with Alzheimer’s make great grope victims.

Something about going to Wimbledon to grab some balls.

I'll be gigging at The Lescar in Sheffield tonight if anyone is in town (there will be a special mystery guest!!) But if I don't see you there I will see you here at this time tomorrow!! Please share this blog on your twitter and facebook to spread the word.

And if you do grope, please don't use your thumbs... no girl likes a pincer grope!!

News for Dummies 22/6

In an NHS hospital in Cardiff frail old people were given a Tambourine to use as a panic alarm; There was outrage until one old man with Parkinson’s got scouted for the percussion section of the local Jazz band

A top surgeon hanged himself after an error while performing an operation; he was using tweezers to get an ice-cream cone out of the man’s head and accidentally touched the side, the nose lit up and it was game over. He took his board games very seriously.

A sales manager in Sheffield put a women over his knee to spank her, bullied women over their weight and encouraged people to grab his genitals. People questioned his strategies but by the end of his term his workforce were obedient, slim and on the ball.

A Judge get's probation for beating his wife but he claims the bruises on his wife’s face were from her hitting herself during a row; This is a brilliant image, if I was arguing with my Mrs and she started punching herself in the face I'd think I was a Jedi knight!!

Prince Harry nicknamed Pippa Middleton "Commando" after rumours that she wore no knickers at the royal wedding; If we are going off rumours he probably called her "Commando" because she grabbed his pipe and told him to let off some steam!

Lee Ryan from man-band Blue was arrested for a kerfuffle in a nightclub on his birthday, when asked in court for two reasons why the fight took place he said "One for the money and the free rides, It's two for the lie that you denied..." Then the judge said "All Rise" (twice for some reason) and then suggested technically that's 3 reasons.

Niomi Campbell, nobody is being racist, we simply hate you... black white or purple we'd still think you're a cunt. Only if "Niomi Campbell" was a race of people would we admit racism. Rant Over!

Wales has the highest number of people that smoke after having sex; I knew a welsh girl that smoked during sex but that was probably due to the speed I was going!! Naaaaaa Meaaaaaaaannn!!!!!

News for Dummies 21/6

Tragedy as Ryan Dunn, star of cult TV show Jackass dies in a high speed car crash, watch this space as I expect any time soon Prichard from Dirty Sanchez will attempt to die in a much shitter way whilst screaming more as his friends over exaggerate for the cameras.

Former Egyptian prime-minister Hosni Mubarak has been diagnosed with cancer; Whatever Mr. Guilt trip, Jade Goody tried that one to win back our hearts, get your own publicity stunt!!

Something about the tennis; Fucking bore off, I'd only watch Wimbledon if I was 100% guaranteed Wombles!!

I can acknowledge Dani, 25, from Coventry is really fit; but I've not long since had a wank so she means nothing to me for at least the next 15 minutes

A stamp collection is set to sell for a record £20million. The collection actually consists of 76'923'076 second class stamps. "Over Seventy Million Stamps" that's a lot of letters.... 24 in fact!!

Intruders beat a man over the head with a shovel and stole his dog; It could have been worse, they could have beat him over the head with a dog and stole his shovel.

An old lady called Beaty Bullock has 118 descendants; her growler, nicknamed "Pandora's box" is so fertile she could have ended the great famine in Ireland by pissing on the tetty fields. Beaty once received an Easter egg and it hatched.

A milk man lost his job when his float was pulled over by police and he turned out to be way over the limit; They didn't even breathalyse him because when asked how many pints he had, he simply admitted "Fucking Hundreds!"

A quarter of people who have heart attacks under the age of 45 use cocaine..... Meaning three quarters of people under 45 who have heart attacks don't use cocaine...... we should probably start using cocaine!!???

A Leicester man was arrested for walking naked down a main road; this put many children’s lives at risk as they are taught to cross the road when the man is flashing.

Because I was late in putting the news up here are a bunch of pictures of Birds with Arms:

News for Dummies 20/6

The rumours are heating up that Cheryl and Ashley Cole are getting back together; they first got together as a publicity stunt to prove she wasn't racist but now she wants to squash the myth that once you go black you never go back.

Boris Johnson has slammed Kenneth Clark claiming he is giving out too many short sentences. Ken replied saying "I'm not"

I've just popped into my old work place and the Maintenance man (Dave Thompson) has had a new hip; It has 6 speed settings and his wife is very pleased.

"An unorthodox incision for a hip opperation"

A man has a heart attack and dies after a verbal road rage; That's what happens when you toot your horn and stick your fingers up at a Sith Lord who's stuck in traffic.

NATO apologised last night after an airstrike killed 9 civilians including a baby. It makes me think jails wouldn't be as cramped if the convicts stopped being stubborn and said sorry once in a while. Kenneth Clark has cautioned NATO and given them 30 hours community service litter picking in Tripoli.

2 fighter pilots who turned up to work drunk have been grounded; I can't believe they still live with their parents

A herb found in most Curries can boost a man’s sex drive by at least a quarter researchers claim; Come to think of it Dave Thompson eats a lot of curry, he even calls it his "7th gear"

More than three quarters of sex workers in Cardiff have passed A-level and GCSE exams; shit! so when she was finding out the length of my cock with her mouth while it was at a 90 degree angle she could have been working out how long my legs were??

And she'd clearly passed business studies with flying colours because it was next door to an Indian takeaway.

I'll be previewing my Edinburgh Fringe show at the Kings Manor in Newcastle tonight. 9pm if anyone wants to join me :o)

News for Dummies 17/6

More than 5000 teenage boys in the UK have an eating disorder; I'd like to suggest a campaign called "Stick 2 fingers up at Bulimia" to tackle the problem.

Tory MP, Andrew Brigdon, has been cleared of grope allegations; when asked what he thought of the accusations he said "I felt a right tit."

Police who foiled the plot to kidnap Joss Stone seized a note from the culprit that said "Find a river to dump her in!" But there was a flaw in their plan, because the last time I threw a Stone in a river it skipped across the surface 8 times and landed on the opposite bank.

A Policeman on a horse caught a fugitive after a 1/4 mile chase through a shopping centre; Someone has been playing Red Dead Redemption. The suspect is currently hog-tied on a railway line.

Bin Laden's replacement has been announced as Ayman al-Zawahiri; When I first heard this news I thought someone had found Alan, because in Newcastle "wey aye man Al's awa hear" is quite a common phrase.

4 in 10 youngsters think it's fine to be exposed to the sun for 2 hours without protection; 6 in 10 youngsters NEVER sunbathe without a condom on.

1500 customers of internet service provider Virgin Media have been warned that their PCs are infected with a malicious virus; Now if I caught a virus off a virgin.... I'd have questions.

Obesity in teenage boys increases later cancer risk; fucking hell they can't win!!

Tickets for my Edinburgh fringe show tickets are on sale from here: http://www.underbelly.co.uk/wepages/edinburgh/edinburgh-show.php?id=61%3A285

News for Dummies 16/5

Owning dogs has been abolished in Iran, since it is considered an imitation of the vulgar culture of the West; On finding out this news a blind Iranian was quoted in saying: "Oh for fuck sake!!"

Natalie Portman has given birth to a baby boy; not gonna lie, I'd lick that baby clean for one taste of Princess Amidala!!!

Hundreds of thousands of children in China are being condemned to permanent mental and physical disabilities because of high exposure to lead; Parents should be made to stop hitting naughty children with the metal pipes.

Nurses have been banned from wearing low cut tops that show cleavage or midriff; about time, when my Granddad was in hospital he nearly had a stroke. But the nurse slapped him on the wrist.

Scottish man Sean Murphy shot of his own finger because of an irritating wart that wouldn't go away; he has been contained by police over suspicions he may try to assassinate Nick Clegg

Prince Harry gets inside his Apache again; And once he's finished rattling Nittawosew he's going to fly his helicopter over to Afghanistan.

A man on the M60 near Bury was hit by a car on the hard shoulder; if he had been hit on the weak shoulder he could have been seriously injured.

Research shows that olive oil can prevent strokes; Me and family guy beg to differ:


"now where's the nurse with the cleavage!!??"

Thanks for stopping by...

News for Dummies 15/6

Blood donation to save lives; No shit Sherlock I thought I was just giving blood to get people stoned!

The Philippines have removed marker posts from reefs disputed with China over ownership; Talk about neighbours bitching, what did China want to build a conservatory on it or something?? This reminds me off the time our next door neighbour Keith put up a fence but built it with the posts in my dad’s garden and dad claimed that meant it was technically his fence..... oh boys will be boys!!!

9 North Koreans defect to the south; wow North and South Koreans look so dissimilar how on earth will they get away with it??

"Come baak too norf-kaweeeaa my pwitty's"

Striking workers face public wrath; That's the last time I strike a worker!!
 
Education secretary Michael Gove warns schools to raise the bar; as GCSE results will be better if the short kids can't get drunk.

Google hikes up the speed of searches saving browsers 2-5 seconds; Jeeves feels like a right useless old has-been and starts talking shit about google on forums under a fake alias even suggesting he steals searches off Yahoo.

The NHS have lost a laptop with 8.6 million medical records on; I feel their pain as I once lost a ps1 memory card with completed data for Final Fantasy VII,VIII and IX. Metal Gear Solid and Resident Evil: Nemisis. The part of me that dies inside has never grown back.

Asian gang ran a prostitution ring with girls as young as 13; Bloody foreigners, get all the good jobs!! My agent hasn't asked me to take a joke down in ages.... Hi Marlene!! :o)

Sean Bean was stabbed by his girlfriends ex outside a pub.... When questioned Sean Bean said the knife was sharp..... I'm going to go now!!

News for Dummies 14/6

Owner of lesbian blog site LezGetReal isn't the lesbian Paula Brooks everyone on the site knows and loves but in fact is a male air force veteran called Bill; Well I might as well come out with it I, the creator of this blog, am not Kai Humphries delinquent working class drop-out. I am in fact a well educated upper-class heir from Kensington called Hugh and my specialties are spelling, grammar and political correctness! That's a weight off my shoulders.

Real lesbians and other fake lesbians on LezGetReal are all devastated to find out they've been wanking over a man.

A Rabbit with no ears has been born near Fukushima nuclear plant. Yes!! This is the start of us getting some cool as fuck animals, the Rabbit looks like a mini polar bear. I love Japan they just go "Fuck this  3d bullshit we're just gonna make real life Pokemon!"

"They Fuuuuucked up!!!"

Dalai Lama calls Australia’s female Prime Minister a "He" twice; This is great work by his PR team because when he saw the Prime Minister was a girl he actually burst out laughing "Hehe.." they just made it look like a slur.

A family hid their dead mother so they could get her benifits; but after 6 months they realised the benifits such as breakfast in bed, packed lunches being made and pijama's on the radiator had all stopped they give up on the idea.

Tough new checks on sex offenders will be unveiled today; but god knows why we have to put them in kilts they're not ALL Scottish.

A female cyclist hit a kerb and was catapult 30 foot over a bridge into water; The only thing she hurt was her ego but she covered this up well as she pretended she meant to do it and proceeded to do a triathlon.

Daughter to undergo transplant of her mums womb; does this mean she will birth her own brother/sister?? That's kind of weird but if you're keeping her in the house you might as well reap the benefits.

Edinburgh and Aberdeen are amongst the Europe's most congested cities; They should try Sinex nasal spray, it works a treat.

Duke Nukem is back after 12 years sending retro gamers crazy; But gamers in Christchurch New Zealand insist they prefer Quake!

right that's enough everyone, nothing else to see here. Get back to Lobstertube!!








 

News for Dummies 13/6

Two politicians from opposing parties who were jailed for fiddling expenses are sharing the same cell in jail; I'm sure they'll get along just fine as two other politicians from opposing parties are sharing the job of prime minister. All the men involved are fucking the country as well as each other!

100 convicted terrorists will be released from jail in time for the 2012 Olympics, for fuck suck why don't we let 100 peado's out in time for sports-day while we're on.

A juror is being charged with contempt of court after contacting the defendant of the multi-million pound drug trial.... via facebook;  Or is this facebook rape at its finest, is the Juror regretting changing their sisters status to "loves donkey cock"

This Wednesday night during a lunar eclipse we will get to see a very rare occurrence when the moon appears red in the night sky; BASTARD!! I was hoping it would turn blue so I could get a blowjob!!

Traffic ground to a halt as cops rounded up a run-away pig that had wandered onto the A14; A spokes person said: "he was supposed to be doing paperwork"

On Saturday a 5000 strong "Slutwalk" took place seeing half dressed women march in protest through the streets of London; On Friday 100 rapists were released from prison.

Police are hunting a man with one arm in America who held up a bank!! Ahhhhaaaaa they better dub him "The One Armed Bandit"

DNA rape files to be axed; It just wasn't as good as X-files.

Same time tomorrow??

News for Dummies 10/6

Ex-Army officers will help train unemployed people find work; Surely it would make more sence for the Army to train Rick Waller not Dole wallers?? I guess since people on the rock and roll just play Call of Duty all day long so it will be a language they can understand.

Lacy, 18, from Bedford has some strong views on the above story; she also shaves her box. (you can see through her frenchies)

Imogen Thomas has been offered the lead role in a musical; since the super injunction has been lifted she can finally sing like a canary.

Over one million Brits per year drive whilst on drugs; Explaining why the USA produce better golfers.

A charity handed £15milly of UK taxpayers money is being used to fight the Burka-ban in France and many French living Muslims are moving from France to Britain; Plan B: If you're in France don't wear a Burka... stop being ridiculous!!

A contortionist in Spain hid in a suitcase and stole from other luggage on an Airport bus in Spain; Police bent over backwards to solve the case and they described the criminal as twisted. He's been sentenced to 2 years in lost property.

Domino's pizza had a boy in tears when they typed "Ginger Kid" on his receipt. Unless that was the name of the pizza because it was topped with carrot. Anyway he should think himself lucky they didn't spit on him.

Is that an individual pizza???

O2 network down in East London, oh for fuck sake that's where I'm headed right now, it's alright I'm an Ashington lad I'll take my carrier pigeon.

Killer heels and ill fitting shoes can cause Arthritis; that should explain my girlfriend's dancing. 

Bean Sprouts blamed for E-Coli outbreak; Is that cockney rhyming slang for Germans???

Soopa-Doopa!!

News for Dummies 9/6

It is revealed Ryan Giggs' sister-in-law has slept with five football players including Dwight Yorke; But she said for some reason Dwight would wear 3 condoms, pull out, then force feed her dozens of birth control pills.

Libyan leader Colonel Gaddafi was accused of ordering mass rapes and supplying his troops with Viagra; Shit! That wasn't an option on Command and Conquer last time I played it.

The boss of a salon that offers fake tans to toddlers is being accused for the sexualisation of children; I mean is she stupid, peado's never target pastey kids.

today’s blog is a bit dark isn't it?????

A man killed his flat-mate with a hammer because he was too scared to ask him to move out; Ironically he is out of the frying pan and into the fire because he's stuck with his new cell-mate for the next 25 years.

Doncaster Rovers mascot "Donny the dog" has been sacked for taking off her outfit and appearing in a lingerie photo shoot; turns out she had nice puppies, I'd throw her a bone!! naaah meeeaaann!!!

Hose pipe ban to be brought in within 2 weeks..... Just so long as I'm not banned from piping hoe's when I go to the dam in 2 weeks!!! NAAAAHH MEEEEAAANNN!!

Cows are producing human breast milk after being genetically modified by scientists; pheww it's in China but I'll be right back I've just got to get some kitchen roll as I spat my weetabix out all over my laptop.

semi-on skimmed (nah mean)

Stroke victims who keep fit by swimming are expected to live 40% longer. They are also expected to swim around in circles.

Katy Perry's over eager dancing resulted in her flashing her BOOBIES on the shoot of her new video; I'll be right back I've just got to get some kitchen roll as I spat my porridge out all over my laptop. . . . NAAAAAAHHHH MEEEEEEAAANNNN!!

It started out dark but it always ends up blue!! Thanks for reading and spread the word.

News for Dummies 8/6

Family criticize staff at a hospital where a patient was left to die in a corridor; he only went in with a sprained ankle but was left to wait so long in A&E he starved to death.

A burglar is jailed after he boasted on facebook about the charges being dropped; Now the only things he puts on his wall are 5 bar gates.

The voice of Rainbow's Zippy (Roy Skelton) died today; Zippy (known for the scariest blowjobs known to man) hasn't spoke about the death of his friends, in fact his lips have been sealed since he passed away. Sooty finally broke his silence saying: "Thank fuck, that annoying cunt wouldn't shut up!"

Zippy's African cousin is distraught

The little known Waxy Monkey Frog could help treat Cancer patients; say researchers whilst clutching loosely onto a big handful of straws.

Nicole Scherzinger claims she first heard about her role as a judge on the US X-factor from an article in the Sun; but she actually misread the headline about a revolutionary sewerage processing technique that read: "Shallow dyke used to sift through shit"

First Wayne Rooney and now Ryan Giggs is getting hair surgary; They took it too personally when Alex ferguson said they the Champions legue final lost because their front line was sitting too deep.

A murder suspect ended his killing spree by turning the gun on himself.... and survived; when paramedics turned up though he was off his face. They said "It raised some eyebrows" I don't see what the fuss is about I've seen loads of girls survive being shot in the face.

A man sued a strip club after he accidentally had his teeth knocked out by a dancers stiletto; The man in question doesn't usually get his kicks from half naked women but requested the river dance to spice it up a bit.

It was late, it was extremely rushed but it made the press!! Now get the kettle on and chill out.

News for Dummies 7/6

"You should probably lay low for a little while master!"

A giant 3 foot Rat is responsible for killing 2 babies in South Africa; Splinter has refused to comment.

Fighting flares in Al-qaeda held Yemen city; In a culture where dancing is banned it was obvious they were going to oppose the dancing pants of the 80’s

Scotland want to split from the UK and become a nation, this is a decision that is agreed on both sides the only thing stopping the split is that nobody wants Berwick, if it does go ahead they will also become their own country.

Man shot dead in South-London; The news must be truely shit this morning if this (almost expected) daily occurrence hit the papers.

Cheryl Cole has been spotted with Ex Husband Ashley Cole; It is a fact that Ashley Cole is like Panto in that everyone does him twice. Once on the rise to fame and once on the way back down.

Pharmaceutical companies reduce prices of vaccines to third world countries; Berwick look on the bright side.

Pomegranates can reduce stress in the work place; Oh good if I’m ever having a tough gig I’ll whip out a pomegranate!!

Wayne Rooney shows off his hair transplants on Twitter; He went against fashionable haircuts like Christiano Ronaldo and David Beckham instead opting for the classic Liverpool:

"Alrite Lad"

News for Dummies 6/6

Craig Johnston: Grounded

I went to see The Hangover 2 with Craig Johnston last night but he is trying to keep it on the down low because Stacie wants to see it with him. Stacie if you are reading this how did you turn a 6ft, 250lb, 30 year old man into such a pussy?????

China defends naval action; look if they all want to get their belly buttons pierced it’s their own prerogative and don’t need to explain themselves to you!!

A 17 year old  Chinese boy sold his Kidney to buy an iPad2; Who gives a fuck about the regulation of electrolytes, maintenance of acid-base balance, and regulation of blood pressure. Not to mention the natural filtration and waste removal of the blood when there’s an App for that!?

Apparently he just wanted Angry Birds in his life; Ironically his mam and sister are livid! They thought he was just going to sell his Organ.

Solar panelled tunnels in Belgium power high speed train lines; Scotland plan to follow suit but are only hopeful of generating enough energy to power the train drivers electric toothbrush.  

12 arrested after a large scale disturbance at a McDonalds in Northamptonshire; One man was said to have life threatening head injuries, he could barely maintain consciousness, was slurring his words and showing early signs of brain damage. Turns out it was just a member of staff and he had nothing to do with the ruckus.

There has been a medical breakthrough in male infertility; but it's ok lads we can still use condoms, pulling out or even the stairs.

A 13-year-old schoolboy has invented a doorbell which tricks burglars into believing home owners are inside by dialling their mobile phones and allowing them to speak to whoever is at the door; Not to rain on his parade but if I was going to burgle a house I wouldn’t be using the doorbell. This kid who invented it is actually ginger (and they don’t call the game knocky door blonde) his phone is going to be ringing off its tits!

The new tomb raider trailer was shown in advance of the games release next year; Producers (Square) have announced they are making the game so you only need to use one half of the control pad allowing geeks to manipulate Lara Croft with one hand.

There is a new tablet to slow down lung cancer; but this news doesnt interest us, we've already found out you can get a tablet for your kidney.

I hope this kerbed your monday blues if only for a short while.... now get back to work, I mean facebook!!

News for Dummies 3/2

We’ve lost the war on drugs; well if you can’t beat them, join them. There is only a drug problem because they’re illegal, I’m not paying Daz 20% for VAT on an ounce but if the government made me I guess I’d be obliged. There is no drug “problem” in Amsterdam.

A Croatian man punched a donkey in the face for chasing his daughter. Sol Campbell hates that nickname and insists he’s gay!

Spanish farms suffer due to false allegations from the Germans that it was their cucumbers causing the E-coli outbreak; In retaliation Spain suggested that Porsche Boxter, Audi TT and all BMW drivers are utter bell-ends.

ASOS reveals it's on track for one billion pounds worth of sales by 2015; Derren Brown claimed the brainwash involved to make people think it was a good idea to wear elasticated ankles on jeans with Espadrille shoes is nothing short of supernatural.

The cucumbers on my Farmville have got Norton anti-virus working overtime.

Four in five knife offenders escape jail; but to be fair the offence was only to scrape the crumbs back into the tub after buttering toast.

You can taste the world’s most expensive Kebab for £750, Prince William begs to differ saying the royal wedding cost a lot more than that.

German car sales have slumped.

Urgent changes are needed in the fishing quotas system to protect genuine fishermen and stop "slipper skippers" selling them on as a commodity WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!!!????

REALLY WHAT THE FUCK….. THIS IS WHAT I’M WORKING WITH!!!!     I’ve stopped shouting now.

Wayne Rooney’s prostitute “Jenny Thompson was arrested in a drugs raid; Wayne said: “Give it up lad, the wars over!”

Karen Leigh want's me to change my font, how does this suit your needs you gimp!! P.S. The fact Tom text you saying “I wants a hug xxx” means he’s more your gay best mate than your boyfriend.

News for Dummies 2/6

Bahrain ends Martial Law. A mere 11 years after the UK axed the channel 5 series about fat Chinese martial arts expert, Sammo Law, who came to be a cop in LA.

I got up at 8 to have breakfast with Kylie then went back to bed til 12… Now how the fuck am I going to get the weetabix cement off our cereal bowls??

Journalists in Pakistan are allowed to carry guns I could see that power being abused in this country, as soon Alex Ferguson said no comment in a press conference you’d just here the echo of guns being cocked (haha “cocked”) and let’s face it, the Daily Mail reporters would just use it as an excuse to shoot black people

A Qantas Boeing 767 was grounded after Rats were spotted in the cabin; The hen doo from Newcastle were made to put knickers on before the flight could take off.

Rhianna was slammed for promoting rape in here latest video; what do they mean by slammed?? That’s a bit excessive, but it would teach her!

A supermarket till error in a the Scottish town of Greenock that was giving people 3 crates of larger for £11 instead of £20 caused a stampede; A Stampede and Road Congestion that required police support? To save £9 on booze? Sweet, as soon as the Scott’s find out the price of a Pint in North Korea is only 38p Kim Jong Il will see an army of angry Kilts on the horizon like a scene from Braveheart.

The Playstation Network is fully restored; Resulting in me being up all night and sleeping all day leaving no time to do this blog before heading off for my gig.

Widespread Iodine deficiency found in UK schoolgirls; Also conclusive proof that iodine can’t be found in make-up, hairspray or spunk.

Police probe as a second care home resident dies….. Well stop fucking probing them!!

Because I’ve been in a hurry and todays news was a bit half arsed here is a bonus rant I wrote last night:

Geordie Shore Go Fuck Yourself:

Quotes from the reality TV show

"I'm gonna get on it like a car bonnet" Well wait til I'm doing 70mph will ya!?

"I'm want to cover my body in hotdog brine" Well I hope you're alergic to it!

"I always get to the highest point in the club" Well I always pray for lightening!

"My spare tyre just means lads have a cushion for the pushin"  Well I hope the pushing is towards a cliff edge!

"I could talk the back legs off a donkey" well get real close coz they're hard of hearing THEN SPOOK IT!!

"I should have a degree in pulling" you should have a second degree in being a bell end and third degree burns

"I have more faces then guess who" Good coz I feel like a winner when I slam those faces into the deck

News for Dummies 1/6

4 abusive care workers have been arrested after Panorama TV show exposes them…. Surely this should have been done a long time ago, did everyone just watch/record the abuse then sit back and let them go ahead with it while waiting for the editing and broadcast of the show?? What’s a little more abuse in the name of entertainment!? FFS

Syrian boy’s death fuels protest! They are using dead bodies as fuel over there now, something needs to be done.

A senior Egyptian General admits virginity checks were conducted on female protesters (By seeing if they were faster runners than their dads?) They didn’t need to conduct physical checks on the males they just found out if they had a World of Warcraft account and/or a Dr.Who box set.

E-coli outbreak linked to contaminated vegetables; I blame their carers!

South Korea’s forces use pictures of Kim Jong Il for target practice; That’s funny, I’ve just used a picture of Kim Kardashian as target practice, got her right in the face from half way across the bed!

Half of retirees have nothing to pass on as inheritance; The other half get regular visitation and support from their relatives.

British website given 1 year to comply with new laws on cookies leaving some people distraught ===>>

A Scottish Grandmother has been arrested for illegal downloading; Ann Muir, 39, said the great-grandchildren are on the way and wanted to make sure they had every Child’s Play and Freddy film to get the best start in life.

Medical experts say the link between cancer and mobile phones is very weak; This is probably because you get fuck all reception from a smart-phone, there are times I’d accept my cells being viciously attacked for that extra bar of signal.

Can anyone remember Rude Dog and the Dweebs? Great Cartoon!

I'm sticking with Times New Freaking Roman.... If anyone has a problem with this you should probably kill yourself.... Karen!! :o)