News for Dummies 18/7/12

The FA have warned premier league footballers over their twitter abuse; long gone are the rock and roll, George Best days of drugs and alcohol. No one had ever tweeted so much they've woke up in bed with a hooker or missed training because they used too many hashtags. The warning was sparked after Rio Ferdinand and Emmanuel Frimpog posted racial slurs but chiefs are most upset at the sheer frequency Wayne Rooney gets "Your" and "You're" mixed up.

HSBC bank was "blasted" yesterday for helping Mexican drug cartels and terrorists launder billions of dollars; apart from human trafficking children for the sex industry this is possibly the worst possible crime they could commit.... and they get "Blasted?" What does that even mean?? Did HSBC get shouted at?? Hey HSBC you better not break the Geneva Convention you might get slapped on the wrist or even grounded.

A burglar in Lancashire was stabbed between the eyes by his victim; "Oh look at me I'm burgling a house...... oh no there's a knife in my face" there's no joke here I'm just enjoying the justice in this story. He survived but he's blind in one eye and he's going to jail for 23 months.

Police in Bristol raided the wrong house yesterday while looking for a drug dealer who lived next door....

 

The man with the largest penis in the world got stopped at customs because they thought he was smuggling in something suspicious; But David Cameron soon explained that huge cock in question was just Nick Clegg and he has a valid passport.

50 tonnes of Ivory was seized in Bangkok airport; Prince Charles did warn his wife not to smile as they passed through customs.

Brits have been labeled the 3rd laziest in Europe; I'd argue that we're first, I've just posted my morning blog at 1pm and virtually did the same customs joke twice at the end.

News for Dummies 17/7/12

The bus driver taking the US olympic team from Heathrow to their hotel got lost in London traffic yesterday; well they say he got lost, but in reality he had to take them on a route that avoided the olympic torch in case they stole the oil out of it.


A woman is claiming to have been raped while sleep walking down the street in west London; Forensics are busy doing a number of checks, mainly to see how much cheese she ate before bed.

A prison warden has been jailed for smuggling in mobile phones for inmates; Has he been CHARGED?? Does he have a CONtract?? Is he in a CELL now?? How many BARS does he have?? Is he in an ORANGE jumpsuit??  that's enough PUNishment.

God I'm lazy today.


Charlie Sheen's ex girlfriend claimed he liked to Tweet during sex; I mean we all make the odd noise in bed but that must have been one hell of a turn off.

He's taking "on the nest" a bit too seriously

A maths teacher won who won £275,000 on the lottery in May has just won another £558,000; Now he's got.... errrm....

A fake doctor who has been groping patients has been dubbed "The Big Bad Wolf" This to me just seems like a passive way of calling all of his victims pigs

A report shows more men in the North use Viagra than anywhere else in Britain; HAVE YOU SEEN OUR WOMEN!!!..... I'm kidding ladies..... actually I'm not, you're harder than the men.... as evidence suggests.

Way to kill my boner!!

News for Dummies 16/7/12

The red-cross have declared the conflict in Syria a civil war; I personally declare a conflict between the words "civil" and "war", There's nothing courteous or polite about killing each other with hot metal. You wouldn't declare a hospitable murder or an amicable rape.

British scientists have been awarded a £6m grant for genetically modified crops, One of the scientists, Stephen Hawking, said he is extremely concerned about them tampering with vegetables.

Ronnie Wood's ex girlfriend is in page three of the Sun today, there is something really off putting about boobs when all you can picture is a skeletal heroin addict pensioner suckling on them like a hungry lamb with a chemically enhanced semi on. Not gonna lie, it put me right off my wank.


N Dubs star and notoriously ghastly nosher, Tulisa, pulled out of a festival seconds before she was due to perform. You can't just pull out of a performance with seconds to go without making a splash. Festival organiser Tony Scott said "She's done a really good job of blowing it this time" which is the first time Tulisa has ever heard those words.

Madonna accidentally flashed her boobs while performing at a greatest hits concert; This is a sign that it's time she stopped wearing short skirts.

Sylvester Stallones son, Sage died last week aged 36; However we all recall watching him die on his arse in 1990 when he played Sly's on screen son Balboa Jr in Rocky V... Even in death I don't forgive him for how bad he was in that movie, my only remorse is that I'll never get to tell him how strongly I feel about this.

Rio Ferdinand called Ashley Cole a "Choc Ice" which was interpreted as a racial slur for a black man who pretends to be white. Someone said the word "Fab" to me the other day, I thought they were in enthusiastic agreement with my point but I'm starting to think they meant I'm a white man with sunburnt legs and sprinkles on my head but underneath it all my jokes are shit.

Don't lie, you loved my vegetable joke

A man was flung through a closed sunroof in a car accident on the drive home from a first date at the bingo; I would say this was unlucky, but, he took a girl to BINGO on a first date and made her drive. You make your own luck son. She probably mentioned getting excited about balls and wanting a couple of lines and...well... hit the roof.. when she didn't get the night she bargained for.


Well now you're abreast on current events you can get back to whatever else was distracting you from not doing what you were meant to be doing. I'll meet you back here tomorrow!