I'm going to put my opinion down here, step over it if you like, pick it up and have a look, do what you want with it, use it as your own, shout at it, you can even show it to your friends. Welcome to the internet, these things are everywhere.
Amy Winhouse's home was robbed days after she died; the thief got away with a load of her heroin spoons and couple of wigs, police are followed their leads to this place...
Button moon - costa del crime!
Actual question: Is it the shading or is Emily, 21, from Warrington showing a bit of flap in today's Sun??
A women died after a paramedic half a mile away failed to respond to the 999 call about her heart attack because he was on his tea-break; fucking hell it's like an after hours Kit-Kat advert! But what was he meant to do? ...Take it with him and let it potentially scald himself???....Let it go cold???? He just couldn't win!
Edinburgh castle had a "record" of 200'000 visitors in July... I'm not entirely convinced this is a record, now I'm no historian but surely it had more English visitors in the 12 & 13 hundreds when it was used as a CASTLE!! (I've seen Braveheart)*
*this is news for dummies so please feel free to correct my historic inaccuracies!
There have been a several UFO sightings in west Kilbride; they left after failing to find intelligent life, besides they couldn't get parked because of the restrictions... Locals were disappointed to miss out on the anal probs!
Petrol stations have banned containers being filled because of the unrest; that would have been a better excuse for the paramedic!!
A Hartlepool man is jailed and banned from keeping dogs after doping his greyhound with Viagra; first Hartlepool mistake a monkey for a spy (historically accurate) and now they mistake a dog for Hugh Heffner.
A runaway tortoise has been rescued from the motorway; luckily it didn't come to any harm because it got stuck behind my Granddad Harry who popped out for milk
That last joke wasn't funny or controversial but I'm in a hurry so to make it up to you I've left you a game of spot the difference:
<<<< Famine in Somalia
Maxi Jazz
VVVV
(Answer: the woman in one of the photo's is white)
Apple has become the worlds biggest company pipping oil giant Exxon Mobil; They were both neck and neck until the riots put Mobil in front with all the petrol bombs but then when the looters decided to organize using the twitter app Apple won by photo finish!
The looting continues in cities across England; I'm tempted to kick it off here in Scotland by shoplifting a load of fudge and shortbread from the royal mile!
Cher Lloyd has had a bollocking off her management for trashing a hotel room in London; apparently there were Barbie dolls and feathers from the pillow fight everywhere. I'm not going to count this as a rock and roll moment for the simple reason when Steve Tyler did shit like this the didn't get grounded!!...."Steve get to you're room and no TV....oh it's on the pavement!"
SatNav firm Tom-Tom have announced the M25 as Britains most congested road after a 49mile traffic jam on July 29th; Tom-Tom not only tell you to turn off for a junction once you have passed it but they now also bring you statistics 2 weeks after they happen.
Blake is to write a book on Amy Winhouse; I can imagine it will be like the sequel to Train Spotting.
Archaeologists have discovered that a massive bird the size of a T-rex roamed central Asia 85million years ago; but the question is, could she sing as good as Susan Boyle too?
A junkie was arrested for hitting a 91 year old man with an expensive bottle of champagne; but it turns out she was tripping and thought he was a ship!
Micheal Jackson had had 10 of his pieces of art donated to a children's hospital; they've hung this one at the entrance...
The nation sits back watching in disgust as petrol bombs are thrown for the third day running in the London riot; no-one can believe it is happening what with the petrol prices being upward of £1.34/litre, are they made of money!!?
Police turn water canons on yobs; now shop keepers must put down sufficient wet floor cones in case the get taken to court and closed down by the HSE for looters slipping and spraining their ankle.... I wish that was a joke!!
Birmingham hit by looting in copy-cat riots; except because of the Brummy lethargic, can't be arsed "just getting by one day at a time" mentality they only managed to tip over a couple of bins while the looters formed a queue and paid.
Prince Harry wants to be sent to Afghanistan to fight the Taliban; but he is told the desert is no place for a ginger!!
Despite their millions Jedward are only given £20 per week pocket money between them; I've just been on the Asda website and found out that is more than enough. For £20 they 2128 paracetamol. That should do the trick and they'd still had 5p change.
Brad Pitt has pulled out of a movie role with Nicole Kidman because they have "No Chemistry" Which is odd because Tom Cruise (The last person to pull out of Nicole Kidman) became a Scientologist!
A woman in Aberdeen has had to flee her home because it has been invaded by over 1000 protected bats that legally can't be moved; It makes me think the houses of Parliament must have been someones home before all those blood suckers took over the place!
A patient at Stobhill Hospital had their short term memory wiped out after a Dr's blunder during brain treatment; So Leanne Simpson if you are reading this you might want to scroll back up to the top of the page.
A Scottish squaddie has been accused of cutting off the fingers of dead Taliban soldiers; There have been calls for the soldier who cut off the extremities of the extremists to be extremely extradited! Ironically Extradited means HANDed over! Personally I think this would be excessive (out of hand) and we should just give them the finger!?
US faces new blow on credit; apparently Obama didn't turn his data roaming off when he visited Ireland!
Children as young as 7 join in on the looting during the riots in Tottenham; They put a stickle brick through the window of toys'R'us and all charged inside for a nap!
Turns out the local police chief was on holiday while the riots took place; however when he returned to the riot torn district of London he couldn't notice any difference!
An ingredient in Irn-Bru could hold the cure to Cancer; the only thing is no fucker knows what the hell is in Irn-Bru!
Simon Cowell tells how he "admires" Nicole Schitsinger for being Selfish and Ruthless; he also really respects her for hardly wearing any clothes and dancing like a slut.
A woman will command a warship for the first time in the Navy's 500 year history; but even with the vast expanse of the ocean I bet if she ever has to reverse it she'll still somehow manage to hit a garage door!
A man who got dragged 40 yards by a polar bear pumped 5 shotgun shells into it's face; Top of the food-chain bitch!!
Here are some more failed attempts to reach the top of the food chain by some of natures greatest predators:
Haven't seen enough funny shit from me today? Then Click Here for more!!
Big thank-you to Gav for looking after my blog yesterday with his razor sharp rants, when he mentioned turning 30 it reminded me, I bought him a Newspaper from the day he was born and obviously did a news for dummies based on the stories, it's very rude of me not to share it with you: Allow me to take you back to 28th July 1981....
Lady Dianna rehearsed her wedding ceremony wearing an old curtain rather than her vale yesterday;Rather than throwing a bouquet of flowers she rehearsed by throwing a handful of grass cuttings and then instead of practicing consummating the marriage with Charles she just fucked a ginger bloke.
Nancy Reagan who is over for the wedding said she is missing her husband President Ronald Reagan;In the mean time Ronny is missing Fidel Castro, with assassination attempts.
A change of weather could see smoke from tonight’s firework display blow smoke directly at the queen.But she’s a Royal she’s used to having smoke blown up her arse never mind in her face. Composer Handel will be performing the music for the display titled “Roman Candle in the Wind”
The wedding cake has been unveiled and is 5 foot tall;the cake is usually cut at the end of the ceremony so it’s safe to say that this wedding will end in tiers.
Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher announces a 7 point plan investing £500m into getting people off the Dole;when the bill was passed there was a typo on the plan and the word dole was accidentally typed as coal.
A 16 year old boy was jolted 25 feet when trying to get his Kestrel from an 11’000 volt power cable;He must have really wanted that can of larger.
A couple on their honey moon had to be rescued by the AA on the M6;It’s usually “Relate” that deal with marriage breakdowns. The only thing that got blown that night was a gasket!
Two sausage rolls at Tesco are 25½p… ½ a P???Maybe tesco are just simplifying the cost of 4 sausage rolls at 51p to make them look cheaper… maybe you can cut a 1p in half… maybe Gav really is that old!!
Brian Clough falls out with Nottingham Forrest Chiefs over Shilton….But little did he know he would also fall out with Jabba the Hutt:
Now come back to the future and see my show in 2011 at the underbell in Edinburgh: click: flux-capacitor
Blindsiiiiiiiiide!!!Kai is on best man duty today at the side of Mr.David Canham, who henceforth no longer has the right to make a single cunting decision influencing anything regarding the direction of his own life.Today’s News for Dummies is therefore brought to you more eloquently than you may be acquainted with via the pissed off rants and ramblings of Gav Grizzly-Bear Humphries, buckle in bitches, this is Bear Faced Cheek!!
Todays headline news is that economies around the world are going into meltdown…And I’m going to do what all the newspapers fail to do this morning and that’s tell you why.You see, it’s all to do with you bitches fucking like rabbits!!Fucking like rabbits and making more and more and more shit people.You see, there’s only a limited amount of jobs people can do and eventually there’s a fuckin’ boatload of surplus people who aint got shit to do, offering me fuck all skills or services, just sponging from the coffers like little bitches clinging on to the teat of life bleeding the economy dry!You got all that?Too much fucking, surplus people, too long on the tit, economy fucked…Consider yourselves experts in the field!!
Tory MP Nigel Evans was refused entry to his lodgings within the house of commons grounds by armed guards because he was in a rickshaw returning from a night on the piss…He was turned away time and time again as he tried to sneak in with varying modes of transport he forlornly hoped might be acceptable…
Eventually he just donned a disguise….
The armed guards were like “Mr.T, Haway in mate, I didn’t realise it was you!!Sorry pal!”
A policeman is saved from certain death at the hands of a crazed gunman when his radio deflected a bullet fired at him…Let’s be honest here, this is hardly a fluke is it?Have you seen the amount of crap those police types have hanging from them, there like a fuckin’ walking bric-a-brac shop!It’s the reason they never catch any cunt!They might as well be dragging a tyre tied around their waste to boot like a fucking rugby training session.If it wasn’t the radio that saved him, it could have been any one of an artillery of shite stuck to them like they’d fallen in glue and had an epileptic in Clare’s accessories!!
Amy Winehouse’s £2.5 million mansion in Camden will be converted into a rehab centre for crack addicts… Errrrm, my friends dad (Peter Tate, that’s you!) had this unique sense of humour that used to puzzle the shit out of people.One of the things he used to do was let someone regurgitate a long winded story, and regardless of the content, deliver the stark reply…”So Fuck!!”At first you were like “How rude, can you believe this guy!?”, but once you were in on the joke it was amazing!Try it, next time somebody gets you in a choke hold with the trivial details of their crap day at the office, or your nanna has you in a full nelson with a long winded story about how the economic crisis has affected the price of Custard Creams, just hit them with a big bad “So Fuck!”Be warned though, it’s addictive!!
A women in medieval dress has terrified teens in a village in Sweden by firing steel tipped arrows at them with a longbow…Like that time when a Cessna light aircraft crashed into a high rise in New York, or when one of the Cochrane brothers pinched the 441 from Blyth Bus station, it seems that even the Norway massacre can’t escape it’s shit parody!On that note, following in the footsteps of the Amy Winemansion, I will soon be converting my 2 bedroom apartment in Runcorn into a rehab centre for addiction to X-Box, weed, Monster munch, Jack Daniels and saying “So Fuck!!”
A window cleaner has admitted trying to hire a hitman to kill his wife, he was rumbled when the would be assassin he tried to employ to poison her with sleeping pills turned out to be an undercover cop…How fuckin’ unlucky have you got to be man, there you are sat innocently contemplating how you could murder your missus on a shoe-string budget.You finally pluck up the courage to place an ad for an assassin in the local corner shop (who’s prices for advertising shit or quite extortionate by the way!), and the first reply you get turns out to be a cop with too much time on his hands trying to get some fuckin’ limelight!…What a cunt!!I wouldn’t care, a longbow wielding Swedish lady had only offered her services the previous day but she couldn’t hit a fuckin’ barn door!This is all by the by, who pays money for a sleeping pill assassin?That’s got to be the crappest assassin ever!If I ever decide to pop my missus off I want it done with a bazooka or a fuckin’ sledgehammer!The sledgehammer assassin, that’s got a ring to it!!
Finally, I turned 30 last week!...”So Fuck!!” I here you cry.Correct, so fuck man! 30 laps of the sun, who gives a fuck?Which is why turning 30 isn’t the news, what is the news though is the gift I received from a friend, the gift of an acre of land on the moon with exclusive rights to all of it’s minerals.Those educated, or pretentious discovery channel absorbing bitches like myself, will know that I could be sitting on a gold mine of Helium-3!!Look it up!But that’s nothing, I think this blue guy might be onto something, I bid you farewell, it’s been a fucking pleasure!! I leave you with an all time classic, enjoy…
Click "Piss-Flaps" to go and see Kaibosh in Edinburgh
Click "Sausage-Wallet" to sponsor me grumbling all the way 'round The Lakes tomorrow in aid of "Help for Heroes"
Miracle as a skydiver survived a 3,500ft fall even though her two parchutes didn't open; It's obvious what happened, she did a "Power Flinch" just before she hit the ground, we train for this in our sleep everytime we fall in a dream "HOOOZZAAA!!"....Power Flinch!!!
I talk about the power flinch in my show Bare-Faced Cheek which is on everynight in Edinburgh at 10:30 in the Wee-Coo!! #plug #hashtagsarefortwitter #sofuck
here are some sky-divers that weren't so lucky:
Exam boards blunder and send pupils their GCSE results by text a day early giving them an unfair head start on their college applications; Id say it's most likely giving them a head start on their application for McDonald's.
Heather Mills has claimed the Daily Mirror have been hacking her voicemail; if this is true they won't have a leg to stand on. However I don't know how much trouble you can get into for reporting "You have 0 new messages"
The article in the Sun on the previous page from the 3,500ft free fall survivor is about a man fighting for his life after falling off a pub roof......What a pussy!!!
Recordings have been discovered of East-end gangster Ronnie Kray openly admitting he was bi-sexual; But Ronnie shot a man dead for calling him a "fat poof" he must have just been really insecure about his weight.
A 10 year old girl in Hanover, Germany pretended to be kidnapped to avoid punishment for cutting off her own hair; Scotland yard are now preparing an artist impression off Madelaine McCann with a skin head.
Just as you think Scotland couldn't get anymore Scottish they go and make an Irn Bru flavoured Pie!! But why the hell not if the Irish can make pies out of Guinness and the Welsh can make Donner kebabs out of sheep's cock!
A 33 year old cartoon fan was buried at a Sponge Bob themed funeral... but surely he would want to be buried at sea? What a twatfull send off, I quite like Southpark but please don't dress me as Kenny and play Chocolate salty balls at my funeral for fuck sake. The poor cunt must be turning in his pineapple!!
I am at a wedding tomorrow so I will recruit a special guest to keep you up to date with the news in my absence!
