News for Dummies 3/8

This might appear to be a late edition of news for dummies but I am in a different timezone. Turns out 11pm at the Edinburgh Fringe is 7am....

Jennifer Lopez has been slated by activists by wearing a fur coat made from white fox pelts; Dan Mathews an animal rights campaigner said "People who wear fur are either ignorant or arrogant about animal suffering, J-Lo is firmly in the arrogant camp but I totally still would!"

I made sure no animals died for my new hat :o)

Dragons Den star Duncan Bannatyne has put a £50k bounty on the thug that threatened to harm his daughter if he didn't cough up £35'000... Now I'm no accountant but surely Duncan would have been better off just paying it!?

Ed Miliband is snapped carrying a big pile of Leadership books; this is like my girlfriend reading the Haynes manual on how to change oil in her car when really if it comes down to it she'll just get her brother to do it!

Paul Daniels got knocked unconscious when he was hit by a pizza during a stunt on the Sooty show; Sooty was left speechless!!! This was an unorthodox way to throw tomatoes at a shit performer... he's actually at the fringe I suggest tinned tomatoes if anyone goes to see his show.

Lol at how aggressive I just got towards poor old Paul Daniels for no reason.

A scientist claimed schoolgirls who do P.E. without a sports bra could end up with saggy boobs; this isn't part of his research he just said it in the pub out the blue when he was drunk!

Over 100 pigeons have been shot and dumped in the river Clyde; It was probably J-Lo. A poor old Scotish man is going to be sat on his own at his Birthday party tonight because his friends never got their invites.

A sea king trying to rescue a woman at a harbour had there efforts hindered by a group of youths shining laser pens at the pilot; the group of delinquents have also been know to tickle surgeons during live saving operations and do "not touching can't get mad" during bomb disposals  

It's my first Edinburgh fringe show tonight at the Wee Coo at 10:30, I'm pretty damn excited. Click Me if you wanna come!! 

News for Dummies 2/8

Amy Winehouse's man-widow Reg Traviss has announced that they secretly got engaged; I think you might have your wires crossed Regie, she said "Will you carry me" she was off her tits.... and of course you're gonna say you secretly got engaged, your lawyers have told you that's the safest way to her riches!!

30% of all 11 year old's could be leaving primary school this summer without having a grasp of basic maths; Holy Shit!! That's over half of them!

Hidden Camera's caught a pair of X-Factor contestants snorting cocaine in the dressing room before they performed in the 5th round of the show. Producers should have sussed them out in the first audition when Simon Cowell asked them to "tell us a little bit about yourself" and they went on for 3 hours.

Harry Potter Auther JK Rowling has discovered she has come from a long line of single mums; I just went and got my breakfast from Gregg's and looking at the queue.... that's where I've just come from too!

It's a sad, sad day for all the babies that will never be born because of the pictures of Rhianna in the papers today.

A man who had been shot in the head managed to flag down and get on a bus in London; I've been on buses in London and I can see how they can be easily mistaken for an A&E waiting room!

A scientist in South London flew a 21 year old African girl from Tanzania and treat her as a slave getting her to cook, clean and nanny for free. The scientist was devastated when she got arrested as it meant her time travel device hadn't worked.

A women beat cancer by spotting it early due to her sudden craving for lettuce.... Oh great, now I'm worried sick about my pet Tortoise!!

Raymond and his Tumour

Well I'm off up the road to Edinburgh for the month, I will continue the blog from there but why dont you come see me.... in fact why waste any time come tomorrow!!! 10:30pm at the Underbelly Wee Coo Click here for info!!!

News for Dummies 1/8

Shock figures reveal children as young as five have anorexia and bulimia; I think by figures they mean statistics not their physique... surely children as young as 5 don't have the option of what they eat and in these cases an eating disorder is used as an excuse for shit parenting, bulimia not so much, I guess you can't help it if your kid spews up its farlings rusk.

As of today anyone applying for a driving license will have to state whether they want to be an organ donor; This is British pessimism at it's finest "You want to get in a car??.... Dibs on your Kidneys mother fucker!!"

David and Victoria Beckham have made gold casts of their daughters hands and feet; this is all very cute but it makes me wonder why he got the nickname Golden Balls? It also makes me suspicious of the pendulum on his grandfather clock.

The sun has a new feature on it's website "Page360" where you can rotate the page 3 models 360 degrees; the first thing I did with this feature was shake her back and forward to see if her boobies wobbled (how childish) go on resist the urge to try it..... Page360 *remember to click "back" to continue reading

*you're back! I hope you washed your hands

An epileptic teenager was missing and feared dead last night after his canoe capsized; they struggled to find him in the choppy white waters, strangely the waters were calm and still before he went in.

A dog saved it's owners life who was trapped in rocks 200ft below by barking at passers by to warn them; I'm starting to think Barney the angry Doberman who I ran away from every morning on the way to school might have been trying to tell me something and not just after my marsbar. It's 20 years too late but someone should check on 31 Norham close...

A 42 year old man who pretended to be a cop to stop youths from terrorizing his pensioner dad is facing community service; the teenagers said it was very convincing the way he brutally assaulted them and planted drugs on their possession.

USA are in a Trillion dollars worth of Debt, England is in debt, Greece is in debt, the WORLD is in debt, the banks are all in debt, the police force in debt, NHS in debt.... but who could everyone possibly owe all this money too???

Turns out it's Chuck Norris!!!

That explains everything!!!

If you live in the North East you must come to Punch-Drunk Comedy in Cramlington to see Mark Nelson and The Noise Next Door tonight. Get in touch for more details on fb or @kaihumphries on twitter.

News for Dummies 29/7

There was thought to have been a sighting off missing Madeleine McCann in Northern India; She better bloody not be, the emotional and financial stress I had to go through to get a Visa last month and they just let a fugitive come waltzing in?? I'd be sending a nasty letter to the high commission!

A 32 year old mother woke up with amnesia convinced she was a 15 year old school girl about to sit her GCSE's; Her husband is over the moon, he said "it's like all the excitement of fucking a schoolgirl but non of us are on a register!" ....Lindsey Lohan has already enquired weather they are going to make a movie about it!

It's funny because I went to Ridley High School in Blyth and I swear All of the teenage girls were 32 year old mothers anyway!

A top advisor to Ed Miliband claimed "Jesus would vote labour" 1) Jesus got murdered for his opinion 2) He lived in Jerusalem so wouldn't be eligable to vote; and 3) It wouldn't matter because his dad is clearly a Tori bastard, just look his suspect decision making and love for destruction. Not to mention him giving St.Peter a false sense of a coalition on heaven when really he's just using him like the bitch he is!

Britain are looking at the option of bringing in US style private sector help in to fight crime, like dog the bounty hunter and Boba-Fett; Not sure it would work in the UK, I think if The Durrrg come and tried to preach the lords ways to the Steroid and Sunbed (SAS) posse of Ashington he'd end up in a headlock! "do yee Knaaa who aaa Knaaa???"

1700 pupils are excluded from school every day; A rethink is in order I reckon. If being sent away from school is punishment, then who in their right mind is going to behave? Less of a joke more food for thought...

Enrique Iglesias ranted about having a tiny penis while on stage in Melbourne; I think he's trying to appeal to men with piles, it's a niche market.

Ginger Harry Potter star Ron Weasley (not his real name) is using his new found freedom to take up extreme sports; Like Sunbathing, walking through a school playground and drinking with his step-dad!!

Joe Pesci is suing a studio after he put on weight for the role then got dropped from the film; be careful lads this might mean all the ex girlfriends we dumped could sue us. (Note to Daniel Sloss: this doesn't count for you because you got dumped and she is still really really fit lol.... maybe you could sue her???)

Blogger Poppy Disney, 24, gets 90'000 hits a day for dressing differently each day and uploading a photo's... for fuck sake here's me thinking you wanted jokes!!! Go on then have your candy here is a picture of me wearing a Taliban uniform:

Fuck you Poppy Disney yada-yada-yada G-HUT!!

Anyway I'm off to catch my flight.... Tomorrow I'll be wearing prison overalls!!

If you're in Manchester I'm at The Comedy Store Tonight

If you're in Kilmarnock I'm at a theatre tomorrow (not sure it's name but I'm guessing there's only one)

If you're in South shields I'm at The Customs House on Sunday

If you're in Cramlington PUNCH-DRUNK COMEDY @ CONCORDIA LEISURE CENTRE

THEN EDINBURGH BABY!!! .....why am I shouting??

News for Dummies 28/7

O.K. Listen to me Anders Breivik, you contacted the ENLGISH Defence League and the BRITISH National Party for support!? Just because you are a prick like them it doesn't mean they like you for you are NORWEGIAN and the very thing they hate, foreign!. Of course they encouraged you, you bell end, you were going to kill a bunch of other foreigners, you got used like a bitch by a pack of horrible cunts! And no-one will ever remember your name because it is too hard to pronounce... Un-Fucking-Lucky Anderson Britvic or whatever your pissy name is!!!

The Mayor of a city in Afghanistan was assassinated by a suicide bomber with explosives in his turban. Of all the ways to go, a man exploding his own head in your proximity must be the worst. Let's nickname the killer "The Turbanator"

"I need your Robes your Flip-flops and your bicycle with the basked full of chickens on the front"

A crown court judge has been trialed after being caught drunk in court; he was discovered because instead of having a wig on he was wearing a traffic cone.

Katie Price has painted her £1m Bugatti pink, it makes sense because photo-shop wizards have been painting Jordan to make her look pretty for years but we all look at it knowing there is an absolute beast underneath!

A Dolly Parton fan left a baby named "Jolene" after her 1974 hit song on the singers doorstep with a note saying "Mummy wants you to look after me" I think it's meant to be Storks that deliver babies not Stalkers!!

A teenage girl in Oslo survived after being shot 3 times; she has since been signed by Deathrow records.

A tramp in Dorset has been nominated to carry the Olympic torch; Homeless Gordon Roberts is excited because it will be the first time he's been warm in years and it is also the first time the Olympic torch will have been held under a spoon.

A Cop appeared on the TV show WipeOut whilst off on the sick; I'm personally surprised any police officer was fit enough to tackle an assault course, I'm always quick to label cops as crooked but I'd be a lot less surprised if she'd been on deal or no deal.

Scientists have used a controversial cloning technique to create a dog that glows; My face lit up when I read this story, I can imagine this would be great for walks at night but no good for hunting, I want one but trust me if it stats chasing it's tail I'm gonna start taking E's and playing rave music!

Enjoy my blogs?? Then come and see me live at the Edinburgh Fringe where I'll be saying funny things out loud for an hour every night of the Festival: More info <<click (p.s. 3rd-5th August are cheapest)

News for Dummies 27/7

Chris Evans is in full recovery after his big C scare; this is great news however he is still struggling to recover from the Big G he was diagnosed with at birth, after 45 years of struggling with the condition doctors are considering chemo.

George Osborne tried to put a brave face on about Britain's economy by saying well at least we're not Greece. In that breath Greece are getting through it by saying at least we aren't Somalia and Somalia are sleeping at night because they aren't Panda's

Today marks 1 year before the opening ceremony of the London 2012 Olympics; So it's o.k. I've got a year to think about jokes for that.

A dance class in Bolton has been blasted for teaching pole dancing to children as young as 7; Personally I can't wait to go to Bolton in 2023 to see what the lap dance bootcamp has created they'll be spinning round that pole like a helicopter propeller with daddy issues.

A 94 year old woman was nearly kicked to death by a Kangaroo but fought it of with a broom. It's like the episode of Skippy when he got rabies, she now says that she hates all Kangaroo's but I think that's a bit of  a sweeping statement.

A factory worker had his foot crushed by a two-ton roll of paper; he must have had a stone in his shoe*

9 in 10 people who are claiming incapacity benefit are fit to work; But judging by my recent trip to McDonald's 9 in 10 people who work should be claiming incapacity!

The taxidermist who provided stuffed animals for the Harry Potter movies has been arrested for crimes by trading in endangered species.... That's not a crime to taxidermy, these are crimes to taxidermy:

  

*paper beats stone, dummy!

News for Dummies 26/7

Amy Winehouse will be cremated today and her ashes will be mingled with those of her grandmother; first Valerie and now Cynthia, even beyond the grave she can't stop remixing old classics

Amy's father Mitch Winehouse instantly contacted his Psychic friend Sally Morgan within minutes of hearing of his daughters death; I think it was to find out her bank details to transfer the money over from their bet.

Extra large toilet seats are on sale as obese Brits are growing to big for the standard standard size; This is great news for my mate Joe Gillis, not that he's overweight just he's always wanted to enter a Gurning Competition but couldn't find anything big enough to fit his MASSIVE head through:

Standard gurning platform

Joe Gillis delighted at the new toilet seats that fit his head.
1:10000000 Scale photo

I'm starting to think we're robbing Peter to pay Paulodopolous as we send money to Greece and now Somalia when our own tramps are struggling to pay for their crack!

Steven Speilburg has been fined for terrorising a beach on his speedboat; the same holiday makers that complained want to feel lucky they weren't sunbathing the day he tipped up to shoot the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan.

5 Afghan kids are hurt in a British airstrike; I'm sorry but if 5 British kids got hurt in an Afghan airstrike there'd be hell on!

7 Teenagers were seriously injured by a Bear; I'm sorry but if 7 bears were seriously injured by a teenager there'd be hell on!

The Oslo Massacre madman Anders Breivik smirked as he left the courtroom yesterday; but you know what, I smirked back, because I know he's going to get fucked up the arse in prison!

Dundee United footballer David GOODWILLIE has been cleared of rape allegations; David comes from a long line of Goodwillie's who's family name originated from his ancestors remarkable reputations for not doing bad things with their willies. Tracy Easyfoof has dropped the charges against him.

The story of the Chillian miners is being made into a movie but the producer Darren Aronofsky has been beat too it; I watched 33 men get stuck into a black hole on pornhub last night! 

I had a few stories brought to my attention by readers today; as I just have a scan of the news a lot of good stories slip the net so do get in touch if you find a gem!! Tweet @kaihumphries or get me on facebook!!