News for Dummies 18/7/12

The FA have warned premier league footballers over their twitter abuse; long gone are the rock and roll, George Best days of drugs and alcohol. No one had ever tweeted so much they've woke up in bed with a hooker or missed training because they used too many hashtags. The warning was sparked after Rio Ferdinand and Emmanuel Frimpog posted racial slurs but chiefs are most upset at the sheer frequency Wayne Rooney gets "Your" and "You're" mixed up.

HSBC bank was "blasted" yesterday for helping Mexican drug cartels and terrorists launder billions of dollars; apart from human trafficking children for the sex industry this is possibly the worst possible crime they could commit.... and they get "Blasted?" What does that even mean?? Did HSBC get shouted at?? Hey HSBC you better not break the Geneva Convention you might get slapped on the wrist or even grounded.

A burglar in Lancashire was stabbed between the eyes by his victim; "Oh look at me I'm burgling a house...... oh no there's a knife in my face" there's no joke here I'm just enjoying the justice in this story. He survived but he's blind in one eye and he's going to jail for 23 months.

Police in Bristol raided the wrong house yesterday while looking for a drug dealer who lived next door....

 

The man with the largest penis in the world got stopped at customs because they thought he was smuggling in something suspicious; But David Cameron soon explained that huge cock in question was just Nick Clegg and he has a valid passport.

50 tonnes of Ivory was seized in Bangkok airport; Prince Charles did warn his wife not to smile as they passed through customs.

Brits have been labeled the 3rd laziest in Europe; I'd argue that we're first, I've just posted my morning blog at 1pm and virtually did the same customs joke twice at the end.

News for Dummies 17/7/12

The bus driver taking the US olympic team from Heathrow to their hotel got lost in London traffic yesterday; well they say he got lost, but in reality he had to take them on a route that avoided the olympic torch in case they stole the oil out of it.


A woman is claiming to have been raped while sleep walking down the street in west London; Forensics are busy doing a number of checks, mainly to see how much cheese she ate before bed.

A prison warden has been jailed for smuggling in mobile phones for inmates; Has he been CHARGED?? Does he have a CONtract?? Is he in a CELL now?? How many BARS does he have?? Is he in an ORANGE jumpsuit??  that's enough PUNishment.

God I'm lazy today.


Charlie Sheen's ex girlfriend claimed he liked to Tweet during sex; I mean we all make the odd noise in bed but that must have been one hell of a turn off.

He's taking "on the nest" a bit too seriously

A maths teacher won who won £275,000 on the lottery in May has just won another £558,000; Now he's got.... errrm....

A fake doctor who has been groping patients has been dubbed "The Big Bad Wolf" This to me just seems like a passive way of calling all of his victims pigs

A report shows more men in the North use Viagra than anywhere else in Britain; HAVE YOU SEEN OUR WOMEN!!!..... I'm kidding ladies..... actually I'm not, you're harder than the men.... as evidence suggests.

Way to kill my boner!!

News for Dummies 16/7/12

The red-cross have declared the conflict in Syria a civil war; I personally declare a conflict between the words "civil" and "war", There's nothing courteous or polite about killing each other with hot metal. You wouldn't declare a hospitable murder or an amicable rape.

British scientists have been awarded a £6m grant for genetically modified crops, One of the scientists, Stephen Hawking, said he is extremely concerned about them tampering with vegetables.

Ronnie Wood's ex girlfriend is in page three of the Sun today, there is something really off putting about boobs when all you can picture is a skeletal heroin addict pensioner suckling on them like a hungry lamb with a chemically enhanced semi on. Not gonna lie, it put me right off my wank.


N Dubs star and notoriously ghastly nosher, Tulisa, pulled out of a festival seconds before she was due to perform. You can't just pull out of a performance with seconds to go without making a splash. Festival organiser Tony Scott said "She's done a really good job of blowing it this time" which is the first time Tulisa has ever heard those words.

Madonna accidentally flashed her boobs while performing at a greatest hits concert; This is a sign that it's time she stopped wearing short skirts.

Sylvester Stallones son, Sage died last week aged 36; However we all recall watching him die on his arse in 1990 when he played Sly's on screen son Balboa Jr in Rocky V... Even in death I don't forgive him for how bad he was in that movie, my only remorse is that I'll never get to tell him how strongly I feel about this.

Rio Ferdinand called Ashley Cole a "Choc Ice" which was interpreted as a racial slur for a black man who pretends to be white. Someone said the word "Fab" to me the other day, I thought they were in enthusiastic agreement with my point but I'm starting to think they meant I'm a white man with sunburnt legs and sprinkles on my head but underneath it all my jokes are shit.

Don't lie, you loved my vegetable joke

A man was flung through a closed sunroof in a car accident on the drive home from a first date at the bingo; I would say this was unlucky, but, he took a girl to BINGO on a first date and made her drive. You make your own luck son. She probably mentioned getting excited about balls and wanting a couple of lines and...well... hit the roof.. when she didn't get the night she bargained for.


Well now you're abreast on current events you can get back to whatever else was distracting you from not doing what you were meant to be doing. I'll meet you back here tomorrow!

Frape for Dummies

Since the iPhone generation there is nothing sweeter than fraping your friends, unaware of what frape is? Then wise up dummy it's 2012.... it's when you have a brief moment when you friend has left the room, his/her phone is on the coffee table and you have an unspecified amount of time to do something mean. i.e. making them come out the closet on their Facebook status, announcing they're having a baby on twitter or texting their uncle thanking them for the character building molestation....

However I feel like we are running out of ideas. NOT ANYMORE. The sweetest glory is now to let the subject frape themselves, simply learn the following steps so you can conduct this masterpiece as quick as you're dips-shit friend can take a piss....

Step one: Go into "settings" and click "General"

Step two: Click "Keyboard"

Step three: Scroll down and select "Add new shortcut..."

Step four: In "phrase" type something inappropriate and in "Shortcut" put something they text regularly

Step five: Laugh at them when this happens

Here is one I made earlier.....

WHORE

They don't always have to love cock, I was just being generic. You can have all kinds of fun by changing "LOL" to "I hope your dog gets ran over" or even changing "haha" to "Nigger" do what you like but make sure you tell me all about it on twitter via @kaihumphries

Have fun and YOU'RE WELCOME

Diet for Dummies

Warning: This isn't that funny, more of a fact based journal.


****THE BACK STORY****  don't wanna know but interested in the diet? Scroll down til you get there.

I worked in or around a gym for over 9 years from the age of 19, it was safe to say I've been in good health and decent shape all of my life. On 2nd February 2011 the whirlwind that is stand-up comedy which had picked me up in 2008 finally dragged me away from my day job and down a road of late alcohol fuelled nights, sleeping all day and eating service station junk food, Wetherspoon's finest delicacies, kebabs and hotel fry ups for every meal. The lifestyle is awesome but you pay for it, after partying for 28 days straight at August's Edinburgh Fringe Festival I come back to a diary of holidays and overseas gigs in September that saw me put away Johnny Vegas amounts of food and larger. Only to come back to a 50 date tour, having a night out in every city from Inverness to Brighton with one of your best mates is a dream come true, so we didn't waste it. We had no exercise just driving, gigging, eating out and drinking every night until the blur of a fantastic tour was behind us in mid December, It would have been rude not to celebrate this success with all the friends at home I haven't seen in months with cRaZy christmas festivities.

So there I was in February 2012 lethargic, ashamed and looking down at the foundations of a fat man, I had a baby beer gut that you could grab, it was nothing that clothes couldn't conceal but tight T's were out of the question and me knowing it was there knocked my otherwise bullet proof confidence. I didn't like it. I know it was in the early stages but when I look at comics that have more than a decade under there belt and a decade of bad health hanging over it, with the "Doctor Robotnik" look of skinny limbs with a big "Chuck Rock" belly. This physical appearance is so much fun to achieve but it doesn't happen over night, it starts where I am at right now and I'm getting on top of it immediately before I end up washing my dick with a toilet duck in 10 years time.

90's Mega-Drive villain, Dr Robotnik

90's Amiga Hero, Chuck Rock

When you start looking into dietary strategies and talking about it you realise everyone is an armchair scientist that knows everything about the topic, usually regurgitating some bullshit they heard that makes their favourite food justifiable. The best theory I heard from a man I know is intelligent and very rational was that eating Kebabs is fine if you have a coke with it because the acids in the coke help break it down. Now I respect my dad but when he come out with this I knew you had to take everyones advice on food with a pinch of salt (pardon the pun) as we're all as clueless as each other.

Now I knew there are many books and many techniques for rapid fat loss but I thought I'm going to choose one source and stick to it, not preach it's THE way but simply go with it as an experiment and if I do get results then maybe I'll champion it. So here I am 3 weeks later with noticeable results and holding up the book "The 4 Hour Body" by Tim Ferriss. I chose this book because I heard the author on Joe Rogan's podcast and instantly liked him, a young go-getter who has without doubt got his shit together and life sewn up.






****THE DIET****

4 Hour Body is a buffet of methods to reach different goals. My goal was to reshape, cut fat and retain weight in muscle, you should read it but this is what I've taken from the book:

I started on a Monday and instantly cut the following foods completely:

• Potato
• Bread (all, even brown)
• Pasta
• Rice
• Cereal
• Fruit
• Milk/Dairy

So that doesn't leave much but what I'm left with I can eat as much as I like, I've been repeating a lot of the same meals but so fuck, for the time being eating is for fuel not fun and that said it's been about as fun as topping up the petrol in my car.

I make sure every meal has 3 things on the plate 1 from each of the categories

Item 1, Carbless Protein:

Chicken fillets, Steak, pork chop, fish, egg whites

Item 2, Veg:

Boccoli, Spinache, Green Beans (I rotate between the 3 obviously there are more)

Item 3, Legumes (I don't know how to pronounce that word, I've only ever read it)

Lentils, Pinto Beans, Black eyed beans, Kidney beans 

Legumes do contain some carbs but it's the best way to get them and it's essential to not getting run down, they're boring as hell to eat but I don't skip them.

I don't drink ANY calories, every drink is water, black sugarless coffee, green tea.

So based on me getting up just before 10am this is a breakdown of my daily meals, I adjust to suit my wake up time and always eat within the first 30 minutes of getting out of bed.

Meal 1, 10am: 3 egg whites (microwaved) Spinach, Lentils

Meal 2, 2pm: Smoked salmon, Brocholi, Lentils (a tin has two portions and it's already open)

Meal 3, 6pm: Chicken breast chopped into a salad with pinto beans (a splash of balsamic vinegar)

Meal 4 10pm: Chicken breast with grean beans and pinto beans

I have these same dry meals over and over in different orders, with no sauces just a dash of paper if I'm feeling adventurous. It sucks balls but so far I've been extremely disciplined. I've also found out how to make Chilli and have it with Veg instead of rice, what a treat when I've only been eating the above.

Snacks?? I always keep hard boiled eggs in the fridge and eat the whites, binning the yolks. Because you end up going through so many eggs, I'm on about 20 a week you really don't want to be eating that many yolks. (I often leave one of the three yolks in my breakfast for a bit of flavour.) Also I keep tinned fish in brine, mackerel and sardines. They're no substitute for pringles when I have the munchies after a doobie but they keep me on track.

Eating out?? Unfortunately everywhere I go I have to be the anti social cunt of the group, looking at the menu for the only thing I can eat, usually the chicken ceased salad, scraping all the salad cream and cheese off. There is usually an option of Steak etc that comes with sides of carbs, carbs and carbs. Ask to replace these with veg, veg and veg, even if you have to pay extra and leave the wedges and onion rings that come with your meal as standard. Subway do a salad box, I often combine this with a slab of smoked salmon from a super market.

Asda do Smoked salmon 2 for £5 and Chicken fillets 3 for £10 (each pack has 2 servings) I pack my freezer with these and frozen veg. It's not that expensive to stick to this.

****The Cheat Day****

There's a cheat day?

Call it one step back to take 6 steps forward, schedule a cheat day where you can eat all the shite you crave through the week, even make notes of stuff you want to indulge in. If you walk past a chippy and smell the greasy deep fat fryer just think "I can't wait to have that on Saturday" this would be as good as impossible to get through without a safe haven.

My first cheat day was such a waste, it was planned for Saturday but on the thursday I was sat having my last meal of the day with a female friend, and instead of being anal and making a picky "replace the taste with veg" style order while my friend ordered carbs with a side of carbs making her feel self conscious I just bit the bullet and ordered a pizza, even though I'd ate perfect for three meals. I simply used this as an excuse to have a few desperado's and jager bombs. This meant I had to cancel saturday and stick to the regime until the following Sunday (A christening and Derby day) I made no mistake this time around. McDonalds breakfast, buffet at the christening, Indians and more than a few beers. This, a normal day in my life, made me feel overindulgent and inspired me through the following week to eat well. The cheat day is essential to your motivation and is said to keep your metabolism high.

Damage limitation on cheat day: Have a grapefruit/lemon juice (natural fat burners) and a strong coffee before binging on, say, a fry up. The juice boosts the effect of the caffein and you shit out more of the calories before they become a part of your blood stream. (According to the book)

It also recommends doing 90 seconds of body weight squats just before binging on junk, this is only achievable if you can find privacy or want to look like a psychopath in KFC.  

****Working Out****

I've torn my rotator cuff (a fashionable injury somewhere in your shoulder) during an impressive bail snowboarding so any resistance, weights, press ups are out of the question. In week 2 I added running to my daily routine running 5-10km per day for 4 days, this was too much too soon and I've pulled the muscle across the bottom of my foot, I'm limping without pain killers right now. So the diet so far has been largely unsupplemented by workouts much to my frustration. One change I have made is to always take stairs instead of lifts, this had me hanging when Jury's in put me on the 11th floor last weekend.

I can't wait to repair so I can add to the diet a training programme, the diet has got me inspired and highly motivated to improve.

****Supplements****

The only thing the book mentions is Calcium, Magnesium and Potassium I found a medicine in Asda that covers all three, you have two teaspoonfuls twice a day (two swigs out the bottle)

On my own accord and way before the book I already take:

Multi Vitamins

Vitamin B

Vitamin C

Alpha Brain Pills (I would say waste of money but they may be the source of my self discipline) 

****Drinking****

Tim Ferriss mentions 1-2 glasses of dry red wine per night won't harm but if I'm out to get drunk my friend Chris Martin (funny man) pointed me in the direction of Vodka Soda and fresh lime (not cordial) it's about as guilt free as you'll get. Also remember there is no calories in weed if you want to get intoxicated.

****Conclusion****

First of all I feel great, it's only been 3 weeks but I'm already looking a lot leaner, I don't have a six pac yet but in strategic light you can see it's coming through I definitely have"The V" back which makes you look good in boxer shorts. I bumped into a friend who hadn't seen me since before my dietary experiment and he commented on my shape immediately. Puff.

This is after just 3 weeks of just diet, bar a few jogs, I've been unable/limited by injury to increase my fuel usage, so all of the improvements have been solely down to the change in my eating habits. And I'm not wasting away just cutting my percentage body fat.

****Links****

The Book: The 4-Hour Body

Tim Ferriss' Blog

Please share this if you find it interesting and leave any questions or comments below.

News for Dummies 1/3/12

Police have found a stash of detonators and explosives in a flat that belongs to the widow of one of the 7/7 suicide bombers; surely she wasn't plotting an attack!? I understand the prospect of 72 virgins in heaven to a bloke, but if she did the deed and got up there she'd be confronted by 72 over eager spotty teenage lads and live an eternity of clumsy fumbles followed by apologies.

What heaving looks like for female suicide bombers

Rihanna had a sauna in London and it messed her hair up so she spent over £15k flying in her stylist from LA to fix her 1st world problem; Shallow bitch, lets have a whip around and raise £15k so we can fly Chris Brown over to punch her in the face.


Actor Bill Nightly needed medical attention after using toilet paper as ear pugs; Doesn't Bill know you suffer memory loss when you wipe your brain.

Two Academics have infuriated the world after suggesting the legalisation of after birth abortions; I nearly jumped on the bandwagon of disagreement then an advert for Geordie Shore come on and it instantly seemed like a very good idea.

A man burned to death after drinking fuel and then having a cigarette; it would take more than Gaviscon to get over that heart burn... his friends said he loved a cigarette so much that when he had his last one his face lit up... rumours that it was suicide have been dismissed but there's no smoke without a fire.... I'll stop.

The policeman who shot the man that triggered the UK riots has said sorry; oh that's O.K. then, if only Hitler had said sorry.


Geese keep being killed by flying into an apartment block in Scarborough; Turns out Geese love virgins too, I had no idea they were islamic. The last time a goose died inflight Maverick was gutted.

The blog reached 50'000 hits today, the only* way New's For Dummies can be found it by posts on Facebook and Twitter so cheers for all the shares.


*I say only, over 1000 people have found it by googling "Adele is fat" and over 100 by googling "Burka Porn" 

News for Dummies 20/2/12

Gary Barlow is to become a dad for the fourth time; His wife Dawn said to him "Gary you have know idea what it is like carrying four babies" forgetting the fact he's been doing just that for nearly 20 years.

His band-mate Robbie Williams has been voted the worlds hottest man; so take note fellas if you can pull off the look of smug and gormless simultaneously you won't be able to get moved for bitches.

The government have spent over £100k on flowers to decorate the houses of parliament; this reckless spending is only acceptable to the tax payers if they can confirm Nick Clegg has hay fever.


Met Police shot a man 7 times and also tasered him for threatening officers with a machete; yes, I find the best thing to do with a dropped, bloody, bullet filled body is electrocute it. I think they didn't quite do enough and should have considered following up with a flame-thrower and possibly a bazooka round. Don't fuck with the met police, it's like bringing a knife to an artillery fight.

On average 10'000 Brits per year die because of alcohol abuse; now try this fact ZERO people in the ENTIRE WORLD die every year from Cannabis abuse; Which one is legal? It's like saying rape is legal but kiss your girl-friend and you go to jail

Disclaimer: I'm not saying alcohol is the metaphorical equivalent of rape, however it is the prime catalyst.


A 7 year old boy has been accused of racism for asking a fellow pupil "are you brown because you are from Africa?" this to me is a child being inquisitive, read the sentence again and notice the absence of the word's "Cunt" "Fucking" and "Jungle" people need to remember the inclusion of hatred and malicious intent is required for racism. At the age of 7 you don't hang around with girls because you think they're gay... let kids work out the world around them before punishing their naivety.


Two Boxers (people who fight using punches) David Haye and Dereck Chisora, get this... Started Punching Each other,The punching fight started over an argument about who would win if they had one of those punching fights. The punching fight separated and a punching fight will be arranged.

I wonder if Usain Bolt and Asafa Powell had a fall out they'd start angrily running around the press conference.





 

News for Dummies 13/2/12

Whitney Houston was found dead in her hotel bathtub surrounded by bottles of the same prescription drugs Micheal Jackson used; Credit to MJ though at least he took the time out to water-proof himself, he would also have bubbles in his bath... to keep an eye on him. What I tend to do to stop myself drowning in the bath is get out when my fingers go wrinkly.

Louis Suarez is all over the news, taking more hammer than Whitney's septum because he didn't shake Patrice Evra's hand; I reckon if we can get worked up about two grown men not shaking hands over name calling we must be closer to world peace than ever. There be a storm brewing in our teacup!

Let's all get along

Ah what the fuck!? all that's in the paper is Houston's departure to hell, seriously you don't get Staci, 23, from Preston's boobs and opinion on education until page 11, she looks a little bit awkward with the situation too. It's 10 pages of depressing details of the tragic drug and abuse addled demise of a talented entertainer falling from grace resulting in her untimely death then at the turn of a page there stands Staci in just her pants with that "I should probably put these away" look on her face.

Kids are leaving primary school at the age of 11 with the maths skills of a 7 year old; I don't see this as a problem, we live in a world of computers that makes maths obsolete in every career except darts, and people in that field need further education in how to count, calories.

Ex-Brookside actress Jennifer Ellison managed to cut her head with her own ice-skate while competing on dancing on ice; one thing is guaranteed, give a Scoucer a pair of blades and they'll find something to stab. This wouldn't have happened if she had a Tinhead.

A British man has give birth to a child, the man was born a woman, had a sex change but retained the womb; Let's reword that, a woman wearing a permanent strap-on has had a kid. 

A TV advert will be broadcast tonight that only dogs can hear; the birds from Geordie Shore can't wait to tune in. 

Scientists have discovered over eating can give you memory problems in later life; Results of the studies were evident when both Michelle McManus and Rick Waller struggled to remember ever having a career.

News for Dummies 8/2/12

Singer Adele has been criticised by style guru Karl Largerfield for being too fat; You'd think with the amount of songs about being dumped the heart break diet would be doing her the world of good, I guess every time she's unlucky in love her mates turn up in droves with barrels of Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough.

Theresa May is urged to kick hate preacher Abu Qatada out of the country; You'd think deporting and Islamic extremest out of the country would be a gimme, everything she does always has an air of uncertainty to it, that might be why she's called Theresa "May"..... Theresa may tighten the boarders for illegal immigrants, Theresa may deport known terrorists, Theresa MAY actually be a man despite having no balls!

Kylie Minogue has had trouble with a stalker sending her hate mail on twitter, police have urged the micro blog site to create a code of conduct; they suggested the following rule: Love thy neighbour


A tramp was found frozen in a park in Hull; I didn't know they made special brew extra cold.

John Terry has been dumped from his boot sponsor Umbro for his racist remarks; the irony being if instead of saying "you black cunt" to Anton Ferdinand he'd paused for thought and said "you....um....Bro" he'd have probably got away with that slur.

Hospitals have admitted they are failing to tackle a killer super bug that has already taken the lives of many patients; they also apologise for playing Jumanji

Studies show spending too much time in the Mirror can be depressing; that's why I stopped using it for my blog stories, that and it has no page 3 girl.

News for Dummies 6/2/11

Somewhere between going through a break up and going on snowboarding holiday and breaking my shoulder (It might not be broken.... I should probably get it checked out) I have been on hiatus for 2 weeks, so I prescribe your cold turkey some mother fuckin' NEWS....

England boss Fabio Capello has blasted the FA from revoking the captaincy from the peoples Hitler, John Terry; So Fabio want's a known racist in command on the pitch? Next he'll be campaigning for the legalisation of slavery and writing a formal letter of complaint to the legacy of Martin Luther King.

I've just been through the blizzards in -32C Andorra on a transfer bus and the driver pottered along like it was a day art the office, then I come home and people are talking about this "Icy Spell" like it was cast by Lord Voldemort; Here is my survival guide: 1) Stop driving like a retard, 2) It's 2012 your house has central heating... you can make it feel like summer 365 a year, 3) Carry on as normal


Insurance companies plan on slashing the whiplash claim payouts, currently 1500 per day, to cut premiums; this will not only save us all money but it will also save 1500 people per day the stress of lying to a doctor.


1 in 4 Head teachers are not good enough for their job; what do they even do?? They just sit mysteriously in that office doing nothing but wait for kids to be really naughty. Their presence merely being used as a threat to encourage children to behave, like God, but real.


Due to a legal "gaffe" a rapist has been allowed to walk free; Judges can't understand how this happened claiming "He's not even a Premier League footballer!!!"

Joey Barton said he is willing to go to jail over comments he has made; please don't put Joey Barton in jail, the last thing we need is him writing a rap album.

"Out on bail fresh outa jail QPR dreamin'..."

Study has shown Twitter and Facebook are more addictive than Smoking and Alcohol; Except the addiction helps you sleep with people you fancy and not fat trolls on a 4am dance floor bottom feed. You can do it at the office desk without being sacked, it's much more flattering if a girl starts tweeting straight after sex and you won't find News for Dummies at the bottom of a pint class....... Now get back to your addiction.

Just.....one....more.....tweet.....

News for Dummies 23/1/12

An armed robber who was found hanged in prison had wreaths at his funeral in the design of cash points and post-office signs from his friends and family; They should have really made a floral display of his jail cell if they wanted to pay tribute to the places he was found hanging about.


1 in 4 kids aged 12 can't add up two simple amounts of money without a calculator; ironically it's these kids that grow up to work at McDonald's


Jordan tweeted an uncharacteristically intellectual message about economics yesterday then followed the tweet with a picture of herself holding a snickers and writing "you're not you when you're hungry;" I think it's safe to say she filled a hole after she ate it then.

Wars, religious violence and hooliganism in sport are sparked from the male sex drive according to research; I'm just impressed that "Rape" didn't make that list

......oh hold on it did, religious violence!


Many teenage girls in the US believe you can't get pregnant the first time they have sex; Really, did they think their uncle Earl wore a condom just to keep the blood of his dick.....TOOO FFAAARRR!!!


It's the Chinese new year today and is officially the year of the Dragon; which is funny because today is also the day the EU put an oil embargo on Iran, I'll not get into the politics but this will probably result in China raining fire out of the sky onto the rest of the world.

A robber was shot dead by a customer as he tried to rob a restaurant; Florists are busy preparing the "Soup of the Day" and "Hunters Chicken" Wreaths for his funeral service.

The blog got DARK today..... but look how cute it ended!!!

News for Dummies 20/1/12

Knife crime is at an all time high with 42 knife robberies every day totalling in 15,300 cases; Imagine the trauma, your just about to butter your toast and someone steals your knife? YOU'D HAVE TO USE A SPOON, it would be ridiculous.


Single parent families in Britain have hit 2million for the first time; lets have a moment of silence for 2 million dudes losing a third of their pay because they had one too many jagers and 2 million birds who fell for "I love you"


Brooklyn Beckham shocked David's American guests when he asked him for a rubber (eraser) and they thought the 12 year old was asking his dad condoms; This is like the confusion when David asked the Spice Girls if they had a pencil and he got stuck with Victoria.


Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt's seventh child; I don't know if this is meant to be a tribute to the film Se7en he was in but all I'm saying is it's a good job she isn't going out with Gerrard Butler.

Cooks and canteen workers at a crown court are being quizzed after judges lunches were spiked with urine; here's a little tip, stop letting cunts like Daniel Chrapkowski walk free and people might not piss in your hot pot.

Do your job = Don't inadvertently drink piss

Piss on the community = Community pisses on your chips

Let Criminals walk free = Drink Piss

I don't know what other way to put it.

Twitter was in outrage yesterday as an unverified account @OfficialGlitter started posting as Gary Glitter announcing tour dates and a book release; It's funny that people are going crazy now, he's been on Bebo for years, the last time Gary Glitter tried to fit something into less than 140 characters it was when he gatecrashed a school nativity.

News for Dummies 19/1/12

A yob who kicked a man unconscious for stopping his gang from tipping bins cheered as he left court, walking free because of our soft justice system; why don't we employ our own justice system, here he is, this is what he looks like, lets every one of us vow to spit on, throw coffee in the face of, stab, wedgie or karate chop in the neck this vile prick if we pass him in the street.....

Daniel Chrapkowski, let's do him!

Like seriously lets all do it, retweet this blog so they both get the hits they deserve. I just hope I haven't started an accidental lynch mob on Vernon Kay

Figures show the metropolitan police spent £35,000 on 110,000 calls to the talking clock over the past 2 years; On police chief said "A lot of my constables need to know the time, but not on my watch"


A contestant yesterday spelt out the word WANKER on countdown when he was faced with the letters R, A, E, P, K, W, E, A and N; What a fool for 8 letters he could have had RAPEWANK

rapewank |rāpwaNGk|Brit. vulgar slang
verb [ no obj. ](typically of a man) the crime of masturbating another person without their consent.

    Kerry Katona is on the verge of filing bankruptcy as she has to raise £70'000 for her tax bill by the end of the month;  With a tax bill that high quick maths tells me she earned half a mil last year??? That's like a penny for every STD she contracted, I've got an idea for a reality TV show to help her raise the money, lube her up and throw her in Dartmoor prison.
I'm only joking........ don't lube her up.
I'm only joking...... lube her up with aids blood.

   Wikipedia went down yesterday as the website protested against American laws; but since we as a population have outsourced our memories to the site we spent the day walking into walls and pissing in the fridge. Fuck if google went down we'd just sit and drool smeared in our own faecal matter while banging a plastic beaker of our heads... well it would either be that or use yahoo.  
Not one professional footballer out of 5000 in britain is openly homosexual...... oh come on:

And if the other two weren't obvious... deny this one!!

  

News for Dummies 17/1/12

A senior officer left a dossier containing detailed police tactics for the Olympics on a train; the document contained Pizza menu's, the opening hours of the bookies a list of excuses to use when turning up late to the scene of a crime.

Hmmm the Sun have a picture of Kim Kardashian on the front page with the headline "Kim Gong Thrill" but after scouring their pages I can find no story linking the evil dictator with the evil dick taker.  However I did just do a quick google search on her and found a good video of her cunt.


A Labour MP has been forced to resign after posting a youtube video likening SNP leader Alex Salmond to Hitler; That's not fair to say, Hitler notoriously had one ball and Alex Salmond's face looks like a rather packed scrotum.

A 19 year old survivor of the capsized cruise liner Costa Concordia tells his "Horror" story as he had to swim 400 Yards to safety; he must have been exhausted thats like, what? A Fifth of a mile?? FFS when I worked at Concordia Leisure Centre old biddies used to swim further than that during lunchtime lanes. The only "Horror" story was from the poor guy swimming behind them with goggles on.

The national health service have announced Parkinson's disease is on the rise and is expected to be up 30% by 2020; I'm not sure this is what David Cameron meant when he suggested a shake up in the NHS.

David Cameron has vowed to kick racism out of football and has called for more top Black and Ethnic minority players and coaches....... Mr Prime minister you've missed the point, we want top players REGARDLESS of ethnicity, employing players simply because they are of a minority would fuel racism. Ability should take precedence over appearance or background in any job without having to meet patronising quotas that are a cause of segregation. (See police, fire brigade, local government...)


A Karate instructor has been arrested over a string of sex offences; The black belt is said to be on his second Dan..... his third Ryan and has also had a Jack and a Harry.

News for Dummies 16/1/11

Prince Harry has been invited to watch the women's beach volley-ball at the 2012 Olympics; but although the peoples pervert would love to ogle at the girls, health and safety chiefs have deemed it unsafe to have a ginger on the beach.


A cruise ship has capsized on the coast of Italy; thankfully not enough people died for James Cameron to make a shit love story out of. One British survivor said "I haven't been this scared on a boat since I was on the ferry from Amsterdam to South Shields and a family from Blyth where so high they thought they were pirates"


Fines for putting litter in the wrong bins have been lifted; brilliant, I've been dying to bin my girlfriend for ages but didn't know weather to use the green or blue one and couldn't deal with a fine as well as losing half of everything.


Legal cannabis stores in California have named a new marijuana brand "Blue Ivy" after Jay-Z and Beyonce's daughter;  Madonna turned up at the store immediately when she saw the sign "Blue Ivy $300 per ounce" as she considered $43,200 for a 9lb black baby to be a bargain.

Heather Mills had a scare after doctors found a tumour on her leg; but specialists said "Paul let go of her leg she doesn't want you back"

Brits spend over an hour per week stuck in traffic; but thanks to the new unwritten law of Green means go, Amber means go faster and Red means check twitter. We get by.

A convict smuggled a 10 inch gun into prison by hiding it up his bum; I've got a feeling this convict is going to really enjoy prison. When I asked my girlfriend about anal she said "If you use protection" I wonder if that's what she meant.

Lost his bottle

1 girl 1 cup

Starting shit

That's a shit idea

News for Dummies 13/1/12

Happy Friday 13th!!!

A mum whose baby died 13 years ago was horrified to be informed that his brain is in a jar in a hospital; turns out it's running the NHS.

The tennis court on Carlos Tevez's property is to be bulldozed after passers by called it an eyesore; in that case are the council are still waiting for planning permission to bulldoze Carlos' face?


Peter Stringfellow has announced that he wants to be a Dad at 71, Peter needs to consider what he might look like pushing a kid on a swing in the park.

"Not even a dead bee gee would be caught with that hair"

A health survey revealed women can pile on up to 9lbs in 6 months without even realising it; how can you NOT notice, surely it's a massive clue that your boyfriend has stopped fucking you!?

A dwarf was in agony after a thug picked him up and threw him as far as he could while on a night out; I personally think the accused was just finding out how much he could trust the dwarf..... apparently quite a lot.  

Police were called after a decapitated corpse was found on the grounds of mental hospital; I don't know how they took that 999 call seriously "Hello I'm calling from Callington Road mental institution... one of our patients has lost their head" ....... "Really? Isn't that why they're in there in the first place?"

 Have a nice weekend bozo's!! Live in/near Newcastle?? Come see me live at The Stand tonight or tomorrow, details on MY WEBSITE

News for Dummies 12/1/12

A suspected al-Queda chief Mohamed Ali al-Faldi has been banned from flying to Britain; the fact this is news worries me, did we used to just let suspected al-Queda leaders jet in willy nilly up until this breakthrough in national security? Does it take our overwhelming ego in hosting the olympic games to clamp down on the importing of known terrorists?


John Terry has remortgaged his house for a fourth time loaning £4.6m for the £2.2m property; he must need to buy flowers for every house-wife he has to keep quiet.


Jay-Z and Beyonce want to make the first music video from space on one of Virgin's galactic crafts; I wouldn't usually object to seeing Beyonce's boobs in anti-gravity but I can't help but think there'll be milk everywhere! I don't think they'd be the first musicians in space either, didn't NASA use Monkees in the space programmes of the 50's and 60's?

Believers!

The Japanese Tsunami death toll from 2011 stands at 15,844 with 3,450 still missing; they should probably round the death toll up to 19,294 because no-one can tread water for 10 months, unless Japan are holding out hope for one of these people to swim to shore in time for the Olympics.


Someone called 999 this christmas to report a fight in Eastenders; let's hope they don't watch Ong Bak

A 27 year old woman has announced she has 2 fully functioning vagina's; this my friends is Evolution, I have so many questions, are her periods on separate rotations? Can they both reach climax at the same time? Would this be a double strength orgasm? Will she Marry me?

Honestly, I'd be like a dog with two cocks.... which would be handy!


The creator of the Tofee Crisp has died aged 83; It could have been the creators of the Drifter or the Topic, those counts have contributed nothing to my life!

News for Dummies 10/1/12

What a weekend in the FA cup Arsenal see the comeback of Thierry Henry. Paul Scholes comes out of retirement for Manchester United; Only to be topped by Liverpool. Who brought back racism in the crowds which no one has seen since the early 60's

Somebody tell celebrity spud scrubber Anthony Worrall Thompson he doesn't need to steal cheese to grate on people.


Charlie Sheen has announced he is fully recovered of his drink, drugs and pussy fuelled madness and is ready to focus on work and being a father; My condolences to his dealer who is out of work and can't support his kids.


A contestant from the gameshow "Take me out" has reportedly punched a woman in the face; I think he misunderstood the title of the show, he was probably just so angry after spending an hour in the company of Paddy McGuinness he couldn't help it.

There is a new Facebook app that allows you to preset a message or status update once you die, you have to nominate 3 trustees that have to verify your death to trigger the message; queue a whole new level of fraping, Necrofrapia:


"Hi guys just to let you know I love you and  because of being surrounded by such great people I left this world a happy man, I'll be watching over my beautiful wife and kids from heaven until we reunite again for eternity, Stevie you're the best little brother in the world, you can achieve anything follow your dreams..... P.S. I like nothing more than to be air locked by huge cocks. Freddie mercury has been gagging for me to get up here, mmmmmm aids jizzz!! I've forgot about you all already SUCKERSS!!!!"   

Today is said to be the busiest day of the year for people looking for new jobs; it must be the date that most of the industrial tribunals are resolved over all the molestations at office xmas parties. 

A convicted peadofile has been spared jail so he can look after his sick mum; well if his mum's sick too lock them both up!!

A giant 2 and a half foot rat has been found dead in a basement in New York; We await Leonardo, Donatello and Raphael to activate his Facebook. Splinter never did trust Michealangelo, he's a twat!

News for Dummies 9/1/12

Celebrity vegetable peeler Antony Warrol Thompson was arrested for shoplifting Wine and Cheese from Tesco; I think the Ready Steady Crook star read between the lines of Tesco's slogan EVERY (ugly) LITTLE (prick) HELPS (himself)


Beyonce has had her baby; making her daughter the second 8lb, black, body of flesh to pass through her fanny in 9 months.

Not gonna lie I'd lick that baby clean to get one taste of Destinies child.

I should really stop calling Jay-Z's cock "That Baby"

Blue Ivy Carter in 2030

David Cameron has apologised for suggesting Ed Balls was "like having someone with Tourrette's sat next to you" One Tourrette's sufferer was so upset by the slur he called Mr. Cameron a piss-flap cunt whore son of an aids monkey.

Michael Le Vell (Corrie's Kevin Webster) tells how he considered throwing himself under a bus after allegations of sexually abusing an underage girl; which is handy because there are plenty of busses outside the school.

91 year old Eric Carter, a WW2 Spitfire pilot was told he wasn't allowed to sit in a museum Spitfire for health and safety reasons; Unless the pompous jobs worth health and safety geek making these decisions could make his requests in German, the language he would be speaking if it wasn't for hero's like Eric, then he should shove his risk assessments up his condescending arse the disrespectful cunt

But I guess he's only doing his job, too many people are drones

drone |drōn| noun.

A remote-controled pilotless vehicle

Prince Phillip has ha a heart operation; does that mean he;s finally got one?

Today is the day when over 75% of brits beak there new years resolutions; unfortunately meaning lots of Scottish women will be getting black eyes today.  

A penny for my thoughts

Earlier this month a promoter I worked for got an email off an audience member claiming a certain piece of my material was racist, luckily we could respond by sending them a video clip of me doing the accused routine at a “Stand up against racism” benefit gig.  The bit is an observation about the poster for the pool rules at the leisure centre I worked at for 9 years having one of the cartoon children illustrating the rules coloured in brown for diversity purposes, but they accidentally made it the child enforcing the rule “No Bombing”… I finish the story defusing any racial tension by suggesting they have a Ginger kid for “No Friends”

Actual poster at Concordia Leisure Centre

It’s fine to be “Racist” to gingers as they aren’t a race, there are no colonies except maybe some parts of Scotland, there was no ginger slavery, ginger holocaust, or any history of gingers being forced to live as second class citizens… however everyone is living their own life at this moment in time and regardless of ancestry and the hardship of former generations us gingers DO get the shit beaten out of us in school, I don’t mind though, the hate didn’t transpire into adulthood and knowing I can take a good kicking has equipped me for life. Pulling a girl when you have ginger hair has an overwhelming sense of achievement because you know your personality has shone through and that the person you’re making out with isn’t shallow and likes you as a person enough to go against social prejudice, it’s like winning a hand of poker when you’ve been dealt a seven and a two off suit.

Don’t get me wrong though, as I’ve got older my hair has got a lot darker and you can barely tell I’m a ginger anymore and I’m fucking DELIGHTED…. It’s like being cured of Aids; another reason ginger isn’t a race. No one is proud of it.

Me and my Bro aged 10 & 12 braving the sun

Today I got asked by a friend/colleague to take down a joke I had as my Facebook status;

“Find a penny pick it up, the rest of the day your mates will call you a Jew”

Unlike gingers, Jews are a race of people so if I considered this gag to include any hate, malice or loathing for the group of people I would never have posted it and re-evaluated my life, questioning where these irrational hate filled thoughts were coming from. This is key; racism requires hate, I don’t HATE anyone unless that “Individual” has give me a good reason, and even then they’re usually an apology away from being back in my good books.

But yes I did use a common sweeping generalisation that Jews are shrewd with money, because of this stereotype the joke rings true… If you are tight with your funds your friends will call you a Jew, I didn’t say I was offended by being called a Jew by my mates, maybe I was over the moon to be associated with such a lovely group of people.

I can only apologise for any offence caused by what I thought was quite a positive stereotype; "you lot are good with money" isn't the verbal equivalent of being spat in the face even if you are a proud jew and have made some poor financial decisions by your own admission. Geordies don't feel the cold apparently but I'm not going to grab my coat in protest.

I love comedy and some of the best writing is from the Jewish community embracing jokes about being shrewd/tight/penny-pinchers. South Park co-creator Matt Stone is Jewish and wrote the dialogues between Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman; Sacha Baron Cohen notoriously self deprecated by incarnating himself as the character Borat. Both in my eyes are comedy geniuses that I idolise, would those two have been offended by my “find a penny” joke? They’d probably just tell me it’s cheap… which would ironically suggest they loved it.

I resolved the issue with my friend in private, I understood his reasoning and he understood I had no ill intent but I took the status down because of some of the comments that followed one of which started “Fucking Jews…”

Remember what I said about the inclusion of hate in a statement.  

Let’s all join hands and sing a song!