News for Dummies 23/1/12

An armed robber who was found hanged in prison had wreaths at his funeral in the design of cash points and post-office signs from his friends and family; They should have really made a floral display of his jail cell if they wanted to pay tribute to the places he was found hanging about.


1 in 4 kids aged 12 can't add up two simple amounts of money without a calculator; ironically it's these kids that grow up to work at McDonald's


Jordan tweeted an uncharacteristically intellectual message about economics yesterday then followed the tweet with a picture of herself holding a snickers and writing "you're not you when you're hungry;" I think it's safe to say she filled a hole after she ate it then.

Wars, religious violence and hooliganism in sport are sparked from the male sex drive according to research; I'm just impressed that "Rape" didn't make that list

......oh hold on it did, religious violence!


Many teenage girls in the US believe you can't get pregnant the first time they have sex; Really, did they think their uncle Earl wore a condom just to keep the blood of his dick.....TOOO FFAAARRR!!!


It's the Chinese new year today and is officially the year of the Dragon; which is funny because today is also the day the EU put an oil embargo on Iran, I'll not get into the politics but this will probably result in China raining fire out of the sky onto the rest of the world.

A robber was shot dead by a customer as he tried to rob a restaurant; Florists are busy preparing the "Soup of the Day" and "Hunters Chicken" Wreaths for his funeral service.

The blog got DARK today..... but look how cute it ended!!!

News for Dummies 20/1/12

Knife crime is at an all time high with 42 knife robberies every day totalling in 15,300 cases; Imagine the trauma, your just about to butter your toast and someone steals your knife? YOU'D HAVE TO USE A SPOON, it would be ridiculous.


Single parent families in Britain have hit 2million for the first time; lets have a moment of silence for 2 million dudes losing a third of their pay because they had one too many jagers and 2 million birds who fell for "I love you"


Brooklyn Beckham shocked David's American guests when he asked him for a rubber (eraser) and they thought the 12 year old was asking his dad condoms; This is like the confusion when David asked the Spice Girls if they had a pencil and he got stuck with Victoria.


Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt's seventh child; I don't know if this is meant to be a tribute to the film Se7en he was in but all I'm saying is it's a good job she isn't going out with Gerrard Butler.

Cooks and canteen workers at a crown court are being quizzed after judges lunches were spiked with urine; here's a little tip, stop letting cunts like Daniel Chrapkowski walk free and people might not piss in your hot pot.

Do your job = Don't inadvertently drink piss

Piss on the community = Community pisses on your chips

Let Criminals walk free = Drink Piss

I don't know what other way to put it.

Twitter was in outrage yesterday as an unverified account @OfficialGlitter started posting as Gary Glitter announcing tour dates and a book release; It's funny that people are going crazy now, he's been on Bebo for years, the last time Gary Glitter tried to fit something into less than 140 characters it was when he gatecrashed a school nativity.

News for Dummies 19/1/12

A yob who kicked a man unconscious for stopping his gang from tipping bins cheered as he left court, walking free because of our soft justice system; why don't we employ our own justice system, here he is, this is what he looks like, lets every one of us vow to spit on, throw coffee in the face of, stab, wedgie or karate chop in the neck this vile prick if we pass him in the street.....

Daniel Chrapkowski, let's do him!

Like seriously lets all do it, retweet this blog so they both get the hits they deserve. I just hope I haven't started an accidental lynch mob on Vernon Kay

Figures show the metropolitan police spent £35,000 on 110,000 calls to the talking clock over the past 2 years; On police chief said "A lot of my constables need to know the time, but not on my watch"


A contestant yesterday spelt out the word WANKER on countdown when he was faced with the letters R, A, E, P, K, W, E, A and N; What a fool for 8 letters he could have had RAPEWANK

rapewank |rāpwaNGk|Brit. vulgar slang
verb [ no obj. ](typically of a man) the crime of masturbating another person without their consent.

    Kerry Katona is on the verge of filing bankruptcy as she has to raise £70'000 for her tax bill by the end of the month;  With a tax bill that high quick maths tells me she earned half a mil last year??? That's like a penny for every STD she contracted, I've got an idea for a reality TV show to help her raise the money, lube her up and throw her in Dartmoor prison.
I'm only joking........ don't lube her up.
I'm only joking...... lube her up with aids blood.

   Wikipedia went down yesterday as the website protested against American laws; but since we as a population have outsourced our memories to the site we spent the day walking into walls and pissing in the fridge. Fuck if google went down we'd just sit and drool smeared in our own faecal matter while banging a plastic beaker of our heads... well it would either be that or use yahoo.  
Not one professional footballer out of 5000 in britain is openly homosexual...... oh come on:

And if the other two weren't obvious... deny this one!!

  

News for Dummies 17/1/12

A senior officer left a dossier containing detailed police tactics for the Olympics on a train; the document contained Pizza menu's, the opening hours of the bookies a list of excuses to use when turning up late to the scene of a crime.

Hmmm the Sun have a picture of Kim Kardashian on the front page with the headline "Kim Gong Thrill" but after scouring their pages I can find no story linking the evil dictator with the evil dick taker.  However I did just do a quick google search on her and found a good video of her cunt.


A Labour MP has been forced to resign after posting a youtube video likening SNP leader Alex Salmond to Hitler; That's not fair to say, Hitler notoriously had one ball and Alex Salmond's face looks like a rather packed scrotum.

A 19 year old survivor of the capsized cruise liner Costa Concordia tells his "Horror" story as he had to swim 400 Yards to safety; he must have been exhausted thats like, what? A Fifth of a mile?? FFS when I worked at Concordia Leisure Centre old biddies used to swim further than that during lunchtime lanes. The only "Horror" story was from the poor guy swimming behind them with goggles on.

The national health service have announced Parkinson's disease is on the rise and is expected to be up 30% by 2020; I'm not sure this is what David Cameron meant when he suggested a shake up in the NHS.

David Cameron has vowed to kick racism out of football and has called for more top Black and Ethnic minority players and coaches....... Mr Prime minister you've missed the point, we want top players REGARDLESS of ethnicity, employing players simply because they are of a minority would fuel racism. Ability should take precedence over appearance or background in any job without having to meet patronising quotas that are a cause of segregation. (See police, fire brigade, local government...)


A Karate instructor has been arrested over a string of sex offences; The black belt is said to be on his second Dan..... his third Ryan and has also had a Jack and a Harry.

News for Dummies 16/1/11

Prince Harry has been invited to watch the women's beach volley-ball at the 2012 Olympics; but although the peoples pervert would love to ogle at the girls, health and safety chiefs have deemed it unsafe to have a ginger on the beach.


A cruise ship has capsized on the coast of Italy; thankfully not enough people died for James Cameron to make a shit love story out of. One British survivor said "I haven't been this scared on a boat since I was on the ferry from Amsterdam to South Shields and a family from Blyth where so high they thought they were pirates"


Fines for putting litter in the wrong bins have been lifted; brilliant, I've been dying to bin my girlfriend for ages but didn't know weather to use the green or blue one and couldn't deal with a fine as well as losing half of everything.


Legal cannabis stores in California have named a new marijuana brand "Blue Ivy" after Jay-Z and Beyonce's daughter;  Madonna turned up at the store immediately when she saw the sign "Blue Ivy $300 per ounce" as she considered $43,200 for a 9lb black baby to be a bargain.

Heather Mills had a scare after doctors found a tumour on her leg; but specialists said "Paul let go of her leg she doesn't want you back"

Brits spend over an hour per week stuck in traffic; but thanks to the new unwritten law of Green means go, Amber means go faster and Red means check twitter. We get by.

A convict smuggled a 10 inch gun into prison by hiding it up his bum; I've got a feeling this convict is going to really enjoy prison. When I asked my girlfriend about anal she said "If you use protection" I wonder if that's what she meant.

Lost his bottle

1 girl 1 cup

Starting shit

That's a shit idea

News for Dummies 13/1/12

Happy Friday 13th!!!

A mum whose baby died 13 years ago was horrified to be informed that his brain is in a jar in a hospital; turns out it's running the NHS.

The tennis court on Carlos Tevez's property is to be bulldozed after passers by called it an eyesore; in that case are the council are still waiting for planning permission to bulldoze Carlos' face?


Peter Stringfellow has announced that he wants to be a Dad at 71, Peter needs to consider what he might look like pushing a kid on a swing in the park.

"Not even a dead bee gee would be caught with that hair"

A health survey revealed women can pile on up to 9lbs in 6 months without even realising it; how can you NOT notice, surely it's a massive clue that your boyfriend has stopped fucking you!?

A dwarf was in agony after a thug picked him up and threw him as far as he could while on a night out; I personally think the accused was just finding out how much he could trust the dwarf..... apparently quite a lot.  

Police were called after a decapitated corpse was found on the grounds of mental hospital; I don't know how they took that 999 call seriously "Hello I'm calling from Callington Road mental institution... one of our patients has lost their head" ....... "Really? Isn't that why they're in there in the first place?"

 Have a nice weekend bozo's!! Live in/near Newcastle?? Come see me live at The Stand tonight or tomorrow, details on MY WEBSITE

News for Dummies 12/1/12

A suspected al-Queda chief Mohamed Ali al-Faldi has been banned from flying to Britain; the fact this is news worries me, did we used to just let suspected al-Queda leaders jet in willy nilly up until this breakthrough in national security? Does it take our overwhelming ego in hosting the olympic games to clamp down on the importing of known terrorists?


John Terry has remortgaged his house for a fourth time loaning £4.6m for the £2.2m property; he must need to buy flowers for every house-wife he has to keep quiet.


Jay-Z and Beyonce want to make the first music video from space on one of Virgin's galactic crafts; I wouldn't usually object to seeing Beyonce's boobs in anti-gravity but I can't help but think there'll be milk everywhere! I don't think they'd be the first musicians in space either, didn't NASA use Monkees in the space programmes of the 50's and 60's?

Believers!

The Japanese Tsunami death toll from 2011 stands at 15,844 with 3,450 still missing; they should probably round the death toll up to 19,294 because no-one can tread water for 10 months, unless Japan are holding out hope for one of these people to swim to shore in time for the Olympics.


Someone called 999 this christmas to report a fight in Eastenders; let's hope they don't watch Ong Bak

A 27 year old woman has announced she has 2 fully functioning vagina's; this my friends is Evolution, I have so many questions, are her periods on separate rotations? Can they both reach climax at the same time? Would this be a double strength orgasm? Will she Marry me?

Honestly, I'd be like a dog with two cocks.... which would be handy!


The creator of the Tofee Crisp has died aged 83; It could have been the creators of the Drifter or the Topic, those counts have contributed nothing to my life!

News for Dummies 10/1/12

What a weekend in the FA cup Arsenal see the comeback of Thierry Henry. Paul Scholes comes out of retirement for Manchester United; Only to be topped by Liverpool. Who brought back racism in the crowds which no one has seen since the early 60's

Somebody tell celebrity spud scrubber Anthony Worrall Thompson he doesn't need to steal cheese to grate on people.


Charlie Sheen has announced he is fully recovered of his drink, drugs and pussy fuelled madness and is ready to focus on work and being a father; My condolences to his dealer who is out of work and can't support his kids.


A contestant from the gameshow "Take me out" has reportedly punched a woman in the face; I think he misunderstood the title of the show, he was probably just so angry after spending an hour in the company of Paddy McGuinness he couldn't help it.

There is a new Facebook app that allows you to preset a message or status update once you die, you have to nominate 3 trustees that have to verify your death to trigger the message; queue a whole new level of fraping, Necrofrapia:


"Hi guys just to let you know I love you and  because of being surrounded by such great people I left this world a happy man, I'll be watching over my beautiful wife and kids from heaven until we reunite again for eternity, Stevie you're the best little brother in the world, you can achieve anything follow your dreams..... P.S. I like nothing more than to be air locked by huge cocks. Freddie mercury has been gagging for me to get up here, mmmmmm aids jizzz!! I've forgot about you all already SUCKERSS!!!!"   

Today is said to be the busiest day of the year for people looking for new jobs; it must be the date that most of the industrial tribunals are resolved over all the molestations at office xmas parties. 

A convicted peadofile has been spared jail so he can look after his sick mum; well if his mum's sick too lock them both up!!

A giant 2 and a half foot rat has been found dead in a basement in New York; We await Leonardo, Donatello and Raphael to activate his Facebook. Splinter never did trust Michealangelo, he's a twat!

News for Dummies 9/1/12

Celebrity vegetable peeler Antony Warrol Thompson was arrested for shoplifting Wine and Cheese from Tesco; I think the Ready Steady Crook star read between the lines of Tesco's slogan EVERY (ugly) LITTLE (prick) HELPS (himself)


Beyonce has had her baby; making her daughter the second 8lb, black, body of flesh to pass through her fanny in 9 months.

Not gonna lie I'd lick that baby clean to get one taste of Destinies child.

I should really stop calling Jay-Z's cock "That Baby"

Blue Ivy Carter in 2030

David Cameron has apologised for suggesting Ed Balls was "like having someone with Tourrette's sat next to you" One Tourrette's sufferer was so upset by the slur he called Mr. Cameron a piss-flap cunt whore son of an aids monkey.

Michael Le Vell (Corrie's Kevin Webster) tells how he considered throwing himself under a bus after allegations of sexually abusing an underage girl; which is handy because there are plenty of busses outside the school.

91 year old Eric Carter, a WW2 Spitfire pilot was told he wasn't allowed to sit in a museum Spitfire for health and safety reasons; Unless the pompous jobs worth health and safety geek making these decisions could make his requests in German, the language he would be speaking if it wasn't for hero's like Eric, then he should shove his risk assessments up his condescending arse the disrespectful cunt

But I guess he's only doing his job, too many people are drones

drone |drōn| noun.

A remote-controled pilotless vehicle

Prince Phillip has ha a heart operation; does that mean he;s finally got one?

Today is the day when over 75% of brits beak there new years resolutions; unfortunately meaning lots of Scottish women will be getting black eyes today.  

A penny for my thoughts

Earlier this month a promoter I worked for got an email off an audience member claiming a certain piece of my material was racist, luckily we could respond by sending them a video clip of me doing the accused routine at a “Stand up against racism” benefit gig.  The bit is an observation about the poster for the pool rules at the leisure centre I worked at for 9 years having one of the cartoon children illustrating the rules coloured in brown for diversity purposes, but they accidentally made it the child enforcing the rule “No Bombing”… I finish the story defusing any racial tension by suggesting they have a Ginger kid for “No Friends”

Actual poster at Concordia Leisure Centre

It’s fine to be “Racist” to gingers as they aren’t a race, there are no colonies except maybe some parts of Scotland, there was no ginger slavery, ginger holocaust, or any history of gingers being forced to live as second class citizens… however everyone is living their own life at this moment in time and regardless of ancestry and the hardship of former generations us gingers DO get the shit beaten out of us in school, I don’t mind though, the hate didn’t transpire into adulthood and knowing I can take a good kicking has equipped me for life. Pulling a girl when you have ginger hair has an overwhelming sense of achievement because you know your personality has shone through and that the person you’re making out with isn’t shallow and likes you as a person enough to go against social prejudice, it’s like winning a hand of poker when you’ve been dealt a seven and a two off suit.

Don’t get me wrong though, as I’ve got older my hair has got a lot darker and you can barely tell I’m a ginger anymore and I’m fucking DELIGHTED…. It’s like being cured of Aids; another reason ginger isn’t a race. No one is proud of it.

Me and my Bro aged 10 & 12 braving the sun

Today I got asked by a friend/colleague to take down a joke I had as my Facebook status;

“Find a penny pick it up, the rest of the day your mates will call you a Jew”

Unlike gingers, Jews are a race of people so if I considered this gag to include any hate, malice or loathing for the group of people I would never have posted it and re-evaluated my life, questioning where these irrational hate filled thoughts were coming from. This is key; racism requires hate, I don’t HATE anyone unless that “Individual” has give me a good reason, and even then they’re usually an apology away from being back in my good books.

But yes I did use a common sweeping generalisation that Jews are shrewd with money, because of this stereotype the joke rings true… If you are tight with your funds your friends will call you a Jew, I didn’t say I was offended by being called a Jew by my mates, maybe I was over the moon to be associated with such a lovely group of people.

I can only apologise for any offence caused by what I thought was quite a positive stereotype; "you lot are good with money" isn't the verbal equivalent of being spat in the face even if you are a proud jew and have made some poor financial decisions by your own admission. Geordies don't feel the cold apparently but I'm not going to grab my coat in protest.

I love comedy and some of the best writing is from the Jewish community embracing jokes about being shrewd/tight/penny-pinchers. South Park co-creator Matt Stone is Jewish and wrote the dialogues between Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman; Sacha Baron Cohen notoriously self deprecated by incarnating himself as the character Borat. Both in my eyes are comedy geniuses that I idolise, would those two have been offended by my “find a penny” joke? They’d probably just tell me it’s cheap… which would ironically suggest they loved it.

I resolved the issue with my friend in private, I understood his reasoning and he understood I had no ill intent but I took the status down because of some of the comments that followed one of which started “Fucking Jews…”

Remember what I said about the inclusion of hate in a statement.  

Let’s all join hands and sing a song!

News for Dummies 5/1/12

Sarah Harding is in the paper showing of the bruises on her wrist from the hotel bust up with her boyfriend; Why oh why couldn’t he have punched her in the tits.

See this is my beef, Sarah is trying to get sympathy and paint him as a monster with her bruised wrist while he’s sat there with a black eye and bite marks. The man clearly just held her back from attacking him, denying himself the instinctual compulsion to fight back and beat shit out of her because of his respect for social double standard that men can’t hit women. This rule works both ways and any woman that breaks it is every bit a cunt as a wife beater!!

Arnold Schwarzenegger is back with his wife; well she was seen coming out of an summers with The Terminator.

Police are looking for the owner of 77 bottles of wine found in a wheelie bin; I’ve drawn up a plan of action to help the police with this case:

1)   Check the street name where the bin was found.

2)   Check the number on the bin.

Man I’m good!

More than half of all working Brits are skint: WHATTT!!?? Next they’ll be printing in the paper that more than half of all water is wet!

A man in Nottingham has been banned from owning dogs after he returned from work and found his Labrador drunk because he left a glass of Vodka out; I doubt it was the neglect that caused the ban to be put in place, I’m just saying the last time I returned home from work to a drunk blonde I got lucky!

DDDIIIIIIBBBSSSS!!

Fire engines were sent to rescue a seagull that was trapped up a tree; this is the third time this week their volleyball has been interrupted for something trivial. On Monday they had to rescue a fish from a pond and just yesterday they had get John Terry out of their wives.

A police officer was charged using the police data-base to get the addresses of vulnerable women, gaining their trust and sleeping with them; it was an interesting strategy to find the owner of the wheelie bin full of booze but I still think my plan would be more effective.

News for Dummies 4/1/12

Snake endorsing cigarettes 

John Terry is furious after an Indian cigarette firm used a picture of him on the front of the pack without permission; Permission??? Do you worry about the husbands permission when other peoples wives reach in your packet, pull out your skinny little cancer stick and take a suck on it John?? He's probably just furious because it's an Indian company and he's a massive racist!

Snake endorsing cigarettes

Oil prices are expected to soar in 2012 reaching record high prices for motorists; but stay calm our government will find a poor country in the middle east with plenty of oil, accuse them of owning weapons of mass destruction and bomb a few civilians, driving the prices down 3p per litre. But we'll be happy because it means when we fill our tank we can afford a twix.

Rumours spread that Rhianna could be back with her ex lover Chris Brown, despite the fact last time they were together he kicked shit out of her;  some people never learn, she probably got him a crate of stella for Xmas too. I bet my bottom dollar the McCann's wouldn't go back on holiday to Portugal with their replacement children.


A mother is being criticised after buying her 7 year old daughter thousands of pounds worth of Lipo Suction, boob job and other cosmetic surgery vouchers for Xmas claiming she's "Investing in her future!"..... DIIIIBBBBSSS!!!!

Experts predict this month dating websites will sign up more customers than ever before; Of course they will, it's the official transfer window, the perfect time to dump your girlfriend/boyfriend is between Xmas and Valentines day, coupled with the fact you don't have a holiday booked yet... it's the only chance you have to escape with minimal collateral damage.


A Crocodile has been stolen from a pet shop in Manchester; Police have been ordered to find the croc and make it snappy!! One lady thought she had spotted the cold blooded reptile but it was just Ryan Giggs.

Two carjackers caught in Saudi Arabia are being brutally punished by having there right hand and left foot amputated so they cannot do it again; when questioned on why they stole the cars the thief's claimed buying a car costs and arm and a leg!

TAXI!!!

News for Dummies 3/1/12

It is a very windy day today so remember when you put petrol in your car DON'T FORGET to tell the guy in the petrol station how windy it is outside, he might not have looked out the window yet and non of the other customers would have mentioned it.

Also post any pictures of fallen tree's or tipped bins on facebook just so we can look back in years to come and reminisce about the strong draft of 2012.

Plans to replace front line troops with part-time TA soldiers are being scrutinised because only 1 in 20 are good enough; TA soldiers who refer to themselves as The SAS (Saturdays and Sundays) or SWAT (Some Weekends and Tuesdays) are worried about going on the front line because they will have to use all of there holidays at McDonalds

A 26 year old man in London got arrested for stealing an ambulance; I don't think he is the real criminal in this, it's the policeman that caught him that wants strung up, I mean he hit on lucky this time but who goes around pulling over Ambulances?...... "Step out of the vehicle Sir, we've been informed you have a body in the boot!"

Jordan's Ex-Boyfriend proposed to her on Xmas day.... I hope he proposed that she killed herself!!


At least 40'000 women in the UK have been given faulty breast implants; my girlfriend thought I was going to pay for her to get a boob-job for Xmas, but she misunderstood when I said I wanted to splash out on her tits!


944 serving cops have criminal records; and these are the only cops I trust, it's the goody two shoed, jobs worth cunts that firmly believe in the bullshit laws they serve to enforce that you have to question. If you can't negate a man calling home from a stand still traffic jam, or someone having a spliff outside a Premiere Inn so they can ensure some sleep away from home, you don't deserve the freedom of initiative invested in your position... go and pull over an ambulance! A criminal record should be a requirement in the force, it needs more humans and less robots.

That, people, was a rant!!

A boy in Florida was in a serious condition after being hit by a stray bullet fired over 3 miles away.... WHAT. A. SHOT. They both have awesome stories for life now, one guy gets to survive being shot in the head and the other gets to claim a 3 mile headshot. Such a win win situation!


Studies show that single people called  Kevin are less attractive to the opposite sex; this stat cracks me up!! here are some fella's doing their best to fly the flag for the unfortunate name...

Kevin - It's not fair

Kevin PG Tips Monkey - Makes a good brew

Kevin The Hamster- Roland Rat's Bitch

Kevin Webster - Definitely NOT a rapist

KEVIN HUMPHRIES - Hahahahah Sorry Dad!!!

News for Dummies 2/1/12

Shitty New Year hoe bags. Since nobody ever keeps their new years resolutions I'm staying on the safe side in 2012 by vowing to do more drugs, stay out of the gym and cheat more.....

I also vow to never speak ill of dead celebrities, poke fun at the unfortunate, or suggest John Leslie is a rapist. Now let's see what's in the news:

Girls Aloud blart Sarah Harding was heard having a blazing row in a hotel room with her boyfriend last night and the police were eventually called. Guests said they heard "Banging, Screaming and she emerged from the room with a swollen wrist and a bust lip.... With the nature of her injuries I don't think they were arguing, she was just doing as she was told.

David and Ed Milliband claim there is still tension between them but they keep it together for their mother; she didn't go into labour just to be disappointed, unlike her eldest.


The law against assisted suicide to help terminally ill loved ones die could be lifted; now we wait for Jordan to get ill.... and for someone to actually love her.


Wayne Rooney and Alex Ferguson have fell out after the striker turned up drunk to a training session; Rooney is expected to be back in the squad after emerging from Ferguson's office with a sprained wrist and a bust lip.


Lois Walsh has admitted losing £8m in the property market, but it's o.k. he's been making plenty of "deposits" in his latest investment.... Jedward.


A quarter of all brits are obese; because of Scotland


Coronation Street star Michael Le Vell who plays Kevin Webster has been cleared of his rape charge; Bastard, that's him and John Leslie I can't do jokes about without a snappy email off my agent... Thank Heavens for Titus Bramble.


A girl who used to get bullied for her appearance at school has grown up to be crowned the countries best pole dancer; SHE SHOWED THEM!!! I wonder if she can really rub it in the faces of her aggressors and become a full blown whore in the face of adversity!?