News for Dummies 27/05/14

UKiP, UKiP, something about UKiP; where have all the good assassins gone? In the past we've carefully assassinated good people with a positive message, JFK, John Lennon, Princess Diana... Do you not think its time we turned a corner and started whacking cunts like Nigel Farage? It wouldn't even need to be discreet, you could take him out in broad daylight, with a blunt object, on prime time TV, and not a single witness would testify. Who wants to be a hero? 

OUTRAGE. Outrage they say, as a German newspaper posts a picture of Kate Middleton's royal butt-piece; however the British tabloids don't see the irony of posting this story just next to Sam, 28 for Manchester's outrageous tits, like we're elitists about dignity. The real outrage is our tabloids pseudo-decency by censoring the picture, of course we want to see her ass, we're the monsters you made us...

A 41-year-old dad got struck by lightening while watching his son play football (eyes down here, stop looking at Kate's farting tackle you animal) he woke up in an ambulance after receiving 37'000 volts through his umbrella (pssst, stop getting distracted by the princesses peachy posterior, this is a serious story) but was otherwise unharmed (HA, I said BUT); The man got out of hospital when his fillings had cooled down only to discover his phone was fully charged. Fuck it, I'm going full pun on this one...  Before the incident his son was STORMING the game, he BOLTED down the wing beating his man with ELECTRIC pace and was SHOCKED when he STRUCK the ball and it THUNDERED off the post.... For fuck sake, you're looking at her arse again aren't you!?

Oh. My. Days. South Korea have made female parking bays, they're pink, a few feet longer to make it easier to park, and are right next to the disabled bays at the front. I wonder if while the South Korean government were reinforcing the stereo-type that women are shit drivers, they were aware of the global stereo-type that Asians are shit drivers. Disclaimer: I'm just stating a stereo-type, not suggesting we should have Asian bays. Look, I'll just be at the back, not complaining, with all the other able bodied western males, just like we are with job applications and queues for the lifeboat. 

Statistics revealed yesterday that police randomly stopped and frisked dozens of OAP's over the age of 85 last year; I can just imagine the policeman thinking he's found something; WHAT'S THIS? A hernia officer... WHAT'S THIS?? That'll be my catheter officer.... AHA, AND WHAT MIGHT THIS BE?? Cancer sir, a big ball of cancer... Can I go?  

Meatloaf has encouraged his tribute act Pete Rossi to enter Britain's Got Talent; Pete replied by saying he would do anything for love but he won't do that. 

Tesco have revealed that the majority of Panini football stickers have been sold to men in their 30's according to Tesco Club Card statistics; I reckon this might be something to do with the fact 12-year-old boys don't whap out a fucking club card. 

Got... Got... Need... Who?... Got... Want...