Day Two, Prague (Czech Republic)

Day: Two

Date: 28th October 2014

Destination: Prague (Czech Republic)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

Dear Journal,

This morning's hangover is a result of the wine, gin and tequila that we shared with the locals of Vienna amidst some jovial shenanigans in order to stimulate some responses from my test subject, Daniel Sloss. My most prominent discovery in last night's experiment was my subject's stance on the children's documentary "Tom and Jerry." Once he was lubricated with alcohol he shared with our new friends his strong belief that Tom was indeed the innocent victim in the hostile rivalry with his nemesis. Although the vocal majority insisted that Tom was trying to viciously murder Jerry with a multitude of devious and violent schemes, while his rodent rival was just trying to live, Daniel pointed out that Tom was a simple house cat living happily with his owner and harbouring no bad intentions until the antagonistic vermin disrupted the harmony of his dwelling. This opinion resonated with a small number of our party but the rest stood firm that the mouse still didn't deserve to die and that Daniel's opinion that the cat's role in the house was to rid the place of such impostors, was nothing short of archaic. Where else is the mouse supposed to live? Is Daniel suggesting the mouse should live on the street just because it's a mouse, an Orwellian social injustice! Does the mouse really deserve to die when it's only guilty of seeking asylum? My subject's right wing views were received in jest but I will closely monitor such political attitudes over the next three weeks. 

13:42

We've been on the train to Prague for almost four hours, we are sharing a coach with two lovely, mature American ladies who Daniel proceeded to charm as though they were a girlfriend's parents. They seemed impressed at first until he fell asleep and then his face melted like someone left the heating on at a really low budget wax work museum where they could only commission the sculptures of celebrities with less than 50k twitter followers, which really undid all of his hard work with the milfs.

17:00

When we arrived at the hotel and found out that we had free wifi, Daniel hurried to his room with some urgency and has been locked in there for almost 2 hours, I'm scratching my head at what he could be up to, if I am not mistaken I can hear him doing breathing exercises. On a side note; I thought the toilets in Czech Republic were the same as the toilets I encountered yesterday in Austria but it turns out I need to leave the maid an apology note for the mess I made of the bidet. 

18:00

Daniel has emerged from his quarters with quite an odd disposition, he appears to be exhausted and dehydrated, and keeps flexing his right palm as though he is carrying a sprain, if I were to make an assumption I'd say he'd been arm wrestling vigorously for the latter half of the afternoon, but strangely enough, I didn't see a challenger enter his room, I must have dozed off. 

21:02

I was initially concerned that my thick Geordie accent would prove to be an obstacle in my attempt to masquerade as a comedian in foreign lands but it turns out my accent is exactly that of a Czechoslovakian citizen speaking English as a second language at a GCSE level, they actually think I'm a local so I felt a real sense of community in the reception I just received. My cover is still intact for another day. My subject is on stage now filling the bucket with a hole in it that is his soul, with enough laughter and applause to make him feel some human emotion, I imagine he will be upbeat for at least a short while after this. It is also noteworthy to mention he is holding the microphone with his left hand this evening for some reason.  

00:54

This evening my subject got so stoned with members of the audience that when struggling to read out something from his iPhone notes, he stopped to apologise "because he couldn't read his own writing" despite the writing being that of a typed font and not his specific illegible calligraphy. As a side note I must add that talking about marijuana on stage in a Czech public forum will result in selected citizens serving you with a gentleman's doobie après performance. Which is quite bizarre because I spoke largely about masturbation tonight and I am yet to be relieved by any of our supporters. 

Alarms are set for a 06:45 pick up tomorrow for our journey to Lithuania, a country I somehow associate with human trafficking and organ theft. I hope I don't wake up in an ice bath with abdominal stitches. 

Signing off.

Kai Humphries

Day One, Vienna (Austria)

Day: One

Date: 27th October 2014

Destination: Vienna (Austria)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

Dear Journal,

Today I embark on my most comprehensive study to date, I have been enrolled by MZA-Artists to accompany their flagship client Daniel Sloss on a three week excursion across Europe, the experiment has been set up under the guise of a "comedy tour" in which we will perform stand up comedy in various European cities in succession. I will be posing as his support act and it is paramount to the study that the subject is unaware of my true role in this endeavour as his observer. While the subject sleeps on the flights between locations I will update this journal on his behavioural patterns in accordance with the various social stimulations encountered on our travels. The results of this social experiment will be available online in via my blog and social media pages.

11:30

The subject started his day how I expected him to start the day, with utter ambivalence, based on my previous research I have found he tends to show no outward positive emotions such as excitement, whether or not he feels these emotions inside is unknown, but if he does there is no trace of it in his facial expression or general demeanour. I think he has high expectations for the day ahead however because he washed this morning. We are currently airborne and headed towards our first destination, Vienna (via Amsterdam) I asked him if he had ever been to Vienna before while we were in the departure lounge and he nearly looked away from his iPhone to respond. He ordered a bacon sandwich and left the bacon, this behaviour is most peculiar, maybe he wanted to order just bread but didn't want the girl serving him to think he was a duck. 

The hostess on this KLM flight just give me a free cup of coffee and a biscuit then asked if my companion, who is in a state of slumber, would also like a cup of coffee and a biscuit, I kindly accepted on his behalf and then proceeded to devour them myself. He will never know.  

As we start our descent onto European soil my main anxiety is in my subject's ability to survive without 3G for an extended period of time, his systems may in fact shut down if he goes without tinder for too long, it will be my duty to usher him safely between wifi hotspots until he acclimatises to the change. Constant data flowing through his devices appears to be the subjects lifeblood, deprivation could result in him entering a vegetative and catatonic state of consciousness. This would be detrimental to our trials... We've landed, I'm in too deep to turn back now.

13:00

We had to hurry to catch our connect flight at Schiphol, Daniel's impatience was piqued when we were held up at security by the lady in front of us at passport control casually chatting to the guard and holding up the queue, as soon as their conversation length exceeded that of the usual transaction Daniel kindly suggested that the pair added one another on Facebook and caught up in their own time, he did not address them directly but took the interesting approach of landing the suggestion near enough to them for it to invade their personal space. It was very effective. We still had to sprint however and my T-shirt is currently stuck to my back. My subject is already asleep as we ascend for the second time today, I'm looking forward to my coffees and biscuits. 

18:00

There is food in our stomachs, drinks in our glasses and warmth in our hearts. We have been treated with the utmost hospitality from our wonderful hosts Liddy, Chris and Norman here in Vienna, it is astonishing how seriously they are taking my project. My subject seems to come to life when receiving generosity and his status is happy.

21:30

I need to keep my sight on the goal, I had so much fun on stage I almost forgot about the reason I'm here, I would definitely consider a career in stand up comedy if I wasn't a spy. Daniel is on stage as I write, the observation I made earlier about his outward display of positive emotion (or lack there of) seems to be rendered nullified when the boy is on stage, it's like there is an emptiness in him that can only be filled by the approval of strangers

21:35

The toilets in Austria have a flat, dry, porcelain shelf that catches your poo and shows it to you, so you can inspect it, you don't necessarily want to inspect it but when yesterday's lunch is served to you like a beached barnacle on an otherwise pristine shore you can't help but spare a moment to admire the gift you have left for yourself. Just hanging there in poo purgatory awaiting it's fate.

02:70

Well isn't Vienna just lovely, I thought I would test my subject's responses to alcohol and through nothing but sheer dedication to my cause I self administered myself with the same dosage as he so not to raise his suspicions. The results were astounding, we befriended upwards of a dozen Austrians and had a lengthy debate with them about Tom and Jerry, I will post more about my findings once my inebriation has alleviated. Our train to Prague is in five hours, I must get some rest. 

Signing off,

Kai Humphries