News for Dummies 1/11

The ex husband of Scary Spice held their daughter captive during a custody visit; 12 year old Pheonix Chi Spice filed the offence to the police... Now if I knew I could get my parents arrested every time they grounded me I would have had a very different childhood, and Mr.Barrass would have got a lot more dog shit through his letter-box!

The longest serving  007 agent, Roger Moore, slammed the most recent Bond film (Quantum of Solace) stating it had a shaky plot; wait til he finds out the new James Bond is tipped to be Michael J Fox.

Study suggests happy people are less likely to die young....

"I'm living forever bitch!"

A teenager was jailed yesterday for stealing two left footed trainers during the riots; he would have got away with it but the police caught him running around in circles.

The "What's Mario Balotelli in the news for today?" Corner
Man City Striker Mario Balotelli has built a race track in his back garden; That's nothing, John Terry started a race row on his doorstep!

Mario Balotelli Kart

Susan Boyle has announced she is lonely and wants a man so bad she has baught a Donny Osmond Duvet; unfortunately for Donny it's a voodoo duvet and he now has broken ribs, smells of aids and hasn't stopped crying, shrieking or throwing up for weeks. He's nearly dead.

A man has been jailed for stalking his ex-girlfriend online after she aborted their child; he posted pictures of her boobies onto websites to get her back from holding ctrl+alt+delete on her womb, as if that will help matters, it will only encourage other men to kill their potential babies into a handful of kleenex!

Newlywed Kim Kardashian is set to divorce Kris Humphries after just 72 days; I think I know why......

News for Dummies 26/10

John Terry compliments Anton Ferdinand on his tan during Chelsea's clash with QPR; If JT isn't in your wife he's in a race row. The last "national treasure" to be overtly racist married Ashley Cole to prove she wasn't... You know what you've gotta do lads, it's been a while since England had a good defencive partnership!!

"I'm a gentle lover"

The FA have hired lip readers to work out what Terry really said to Ferdinand, I'm no expert but I think he called him a "Plaque Stunt"

Another politician has been outed for not paying his taxes; but as a stand-up comedian I refuse to make any hypocritical jokes on this matter

Over half of British adults are scared of the dark, confined spaces and loud noises.... Yeah, women and homosexuals

Italy and Man City striker Mario Balotelli went to the shop for some cleaning products for his mam and come back with a Trampoline... the thick shit probably couldn't find this:

It's not the first time he's been confused, it's like the time he turned up to shooting practice with a gun!

Kylie Minogue is to be paid £1m to judge on BBC talent show yet Lindsay Lohan is to be paid £1m to bare all in playboy... Would the beeb please consult me on how they spend my TV license now I know it can be spent more productively, we'd much rather see Kylie's minge than her opinion!

Attention whores Sam and Billie from the only way is Essex say they are afraid to go anywhere without protection after being beat down; if they had such a firm belief in protection in the first place half of Essex wouldn't be on antibiotics right now!

A baby is born in Egypt with 2 mouths.... handy, her mother has two breasts! Do you need any more proof of evolution??

VVVV now click one of the letters bellow the grey writing (My faves are the T and the F)