Day Five, Antwerp (Belgium)

Day: Five

Date: 31st October 2014

Destination: Antwerp (Belgium)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

10:30

I have spent the last hour of this flight from Estonia to Latvia losing a sustained conflict over the arm rest with a robust gentleman to my right, seeing as I am in the middle seat and he has the entire cabin aisle to liberate his starboard limbs, I consider it my unlegislated right to occupy the small border separating our positions, however he has shown no respect for my territory and I've resigned to abandoning my position to avoid further contention. I think he might be Russian. To my left a small amount of saliva is working its way down the contour of my companion's chin as the sandman works his devilry.

15:00

We had a three hour layover in Riga before proceeding on to Antwerp, I attempted some small talk with my test subject and he rather discourteously placed his palm brashly on my face and said "Snooze" we didn't talk to one another for a further eight minutes. 

15:08

Having failed with base level communication I engaged Daniel with more meaningful discussion about our respective childhoods, this topic seemed to be of interest to Daniel, I suspect this is because it gave him an opportunity to talk about himself, something he highly enjoys doing regardless of tense. 

At a prominent point in the lengthy exchange I regaled a particularly harrowing anecdote from my secondary school years about the time I presented a Valentine's card to a female classmate named Catherine in attempt to win her favour. Not only did the girl rebuke me but she went on to use Tipp-Ex branded correction fluid to remove my prose from the inside pages of the card, once dry she then used her own gel pen to rewrite the card to a new recipient named Darren who went on to perform lewd acts on her behind the bicycle shed. Allegedly. When I looked up to see Daniel's response it wasn't one of somber empathy deemed appropriate for such a sorrowful tale. He was in fact wearing a mask of extreme merriment that radiated out of him with insuppressible glee, this expression held on his face like he was buffering until the comprehension of the story had fully loaded onto his system, like he was stuck on 99%. When the download was complete he exploded into a rapturous guffaw of laughter that raised mild curiosity from the entire contingent of the departure lounge. This response was a stark reminder that his relationship to me is merely that of a test subject, a case study if you will, and that I must not let an intense working relationship manifest into a bond with a person who would have such a malevolent disregard to the struggle of prepubescent teens. 

23:00 

In a superb venue for performance forged from an abandoned factory with meticulous attention to detail we had the pleasure of entertaining a glorious collection of Belgian citizens in splendid atmospheric conditions for spoken comedy. Once I'd finished my repertoire and Daniel was on stage I heard him beckon me from the wings to join him, we went on to tell the crowd embarrassing stories about each other that would be otherwise inappropriate to reveal to strangers outside the platform of stand up comedy. Although the story of my boyhood woe never came up, I now understand why Daniel found it so hilarious. Because it didn't happen to him. As I conjured happiness from the onlookers at Daniel's expense in a trade for him doing the same to me, I considered that I could possibly subscribe to Daniel's particular brand of schadenfreude. 

03:44

What a night we had, drinking wine alfresco on the cobbled streets of Antwerp with my Belgian comrades; Tom, Arbi and Bo. Their humour and attitude to life really appeals to me, their placidity and laid back nature is as though life is moving in slow motion for them, giving them more time than the rest of us to measure their concise responses and actions. It's just the Belgian way. 

I returned to my quarters positively buoyant from my biological reaction to such high value alcohol and social stimulation, my apartment is a luxurious abode with a bath in the floor of the bedroom, a full mirrored wall and remote operated blinds that can conceal the vista of the city and plunge the room into intimacy at the push of a button. It is reminiscent of a boudoir inhabited by Seth Macfarlane's animated creation Glen Quagmire, for want of a literary reference. At risk of coming across crass, I can't help but imagine what my girlfriend's posterior would look like with the visual enhancement of the mirrored wall, but I refuse to act on my mental imagery because nothing adds tragedy to self gratification like your own reflection. The yearning for my significant other in situations like this exhibits the sacrifices I've made to conduct this study. 

Signing off,

Kai Humphries

Day Four, Tallinn (Estonia)

Day: Four

Date: 30th October 2014

Destination: Tallinn (Estonia)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

09:45

We are taxiing the runway in Vilnius bound for Estonia, already my subject's consciousness has lapsed and the vehicle of flesh and bones he uses to express himself in the physical realm has been left unattended while his mind meanders through a distant dreamland. It must take a lot of work for Daniel to keep his face together in his waking hours because it's natural fall is that of a 'Chronic' as described by Ken Kasey in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. If I didn't know the man already and this was my first impression of him I'd make the fair assumption that he is paralysed from the neck up. 

As the cabin readies for take off, I have taken it upon myself, rather mischievously, to alter my subject's surroundings while he is unaware. I have lowered his tray table, elevated his arm rest, reclined his seat, unclipped his seatbelt and closed his window blind, the stewardess is heading methodically in our direction closing the overhead storage bins and checking the conformity of her temporary hostages. I am fighting a wry smile in anticipation of the impending confrontation. 

09:50

The experiment was a huge success, I imagine if my subject was attached to an ECG monitor the display would be a colourful array of activity, it was magnificent to witness the way his loose face tightened instantaneously as his skin vacuum sealed to his face meat when the hostile interference of our dictator caused him to rapidly regain operation. His eyes widened, awake but not yet sentient, I saw anger and confusion flash through him from opposing directions and clash to create an emotion yet to be named by the English language. It was a joy to behold.

09:55 

Daniel is asleep. 

17:00

We have spent the afternoon with one of my field agents, Louis Zezeran, a cheerful Australian gentleman who has infectious optimism and ambition in abundance, an asset to Estonia's entertainment industry. Louis  has spearheaded this particular mission and managed to sell upwards of 450 tickets for tonight's show in Tallinn. Just to put that into perspective I must point out that Estonia has a population of 1.3 million residents, so by that ratio it is the statistical equivalent of filling 23'000 seats in a British arena, a feat that the football club Crystal Palace often fail to achieve. Despite bearing the weight of such an operation Louis still took the time out to casually show us around the aesthetically charming sights of Tallinn's old town. Then Daniel had a nap. 

02:41

The adrenalin and alcohol have entered my subject's blood stream in perfect measure this evening, I of course have maintained the same level of consumption in order to conclusively monitor results, and I must say, this is starting to feel a lot less like work. My subject and I experienced one shift in emotion tonight when we entered the realm of bemusement on discovering the Estonian people who we had fallen in love with are so casually racist (amongst other unnecessary ist's and ic's) that it almost surpasses offensive and becomes comical. It was brought to my attention that there is a popular TV show in which white Estonian public figures 'black up' for the purpose of entertainment. I was also informed by a group of lovely young gentleman that during the live radio coverage of the Eurovision Song Contest they partake in a drinking game in which they consume a small vessel of vodka every time the broadcaster uses derogatory words beginning with N or F to denote the colour or sexual orientation of the show's competitors. Allegedly this activity can result in you being rather intoxicated by the end of the radio transmission. Daniel and I quite firmly stated our disagreement with this cultural behaviour and questioned the authenticity of the facts we were receiving but the gentlemen insisted their information was not fictitious and despite being immersed in this environment they appeared to share our bewilderment.

Signing off,

Kai Humphries

Day Three, Vilnius (Lithuania)

Day: Three

Date: 29th October 2014

Destination: Vilnius (Lithuania)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

Dear Journal,

I'd like to start today's entry by mentioning my subject's astounding ineptitude with the fairer sex. After the evening's performance we engaged in a greeting ceremony with a number of the ladies and gentlemen from the crowd of circa 250 people that had stayed behind for photographs, autographs and friendly embraces. Daniel, like myself, takes a sincere, friendly approach to acquainting with his admirers during this vain self indulgence, however, on more than one occasion in these exchanges he is approached by rather comely maidens with quite obvious promiscuous designs on his eligibility. Their intentions towards him start subtle with provocative body language and suggestive contact as they nestle against him for a photograph somewhat too familiarly, frisking him like an accomplished pick pocket as they ready for a picture to be captured, a picture which is quite clearly a secondary goal, a distraction perhaps, from their real mission to ensnare his undivided attention. Their subtle approaches are then made obvious by frank verbal declarations of intent to which he somehow still remains oblivious as they throw their advances into a chasm of apathy. I asked my subject why he didn't take up the offer from a particularly forward young strumpet to go for a drink elsewhere, instead of having his final beverage of the evening with a mature American gentleman, who although being extremely pleasant company, was unlikely to accommodate his desires as a heterosexual man. My subject responded firstly with confusion, that he hadn't acknowledged the borderline sexual assault on his person, then he brushed off the already expired notion because, and I quote: We have an early start in the morning. Completely disregarding the fact he sleeps upwards of 16 hours per day on public transport, rest is something he could certainly trade for a far more rewarding use of his time. I myself am quite happily monogamous and spiritually bound to one lady, but the part of me that would like to live vicariously through Daniel on this excursion wants to fight him to the death. My disillusionment is inflated by the fact he spends his first hour of bedding down in his chambers perusing the tinder application every night before sleep consumes him, I'm starting to believe his addiction to this modern courting device is despairingly to that of the means and not the ends. 

9:05 

Prague to Warsaw

11:15

Warsaw to Vilnius

It's a good job my subject got plenty of rest last night in preparation for all of the streneous exertion he had to endure over the course of the morning, I'm experiencing a pang of guilt for intercepting his coffee every time we've been airborne this week. 

17:00

We were welcomed into the city of Vilnius by the most agreeable of fellows who despite his best intentions almost inadvertently compromised my true identity by holding up a sign at the airport for one "Dr. Kai Humphries". It took me a considerable amount of composure to withhold the facts about my doctorate and my position as one of the world's top analysists of psychiatric activity. We convinced my subject the gesture was a mere witticism by using the case study that rhythm and blues artiste Dr Dre is not a practicing medical professional. Mentioning this served a duality of purpose as I had increasing concerns that my subject had momentarily forgot about Dre.

My Lithuanian counterpart, Paulius, took a moment to show my companion and I around his splendid city, he dispelled any British ignorance we were harbouring by showing us that this part of Eastern Europe is a highly cultured civilisation with coffee shops, bars and social order, quelling our pre conceived judgements that it was a city made solely of loose bricks whose residents would manavour around in tanks and on mules. They dine in restaraunts just like us and don't rely on air drops for food like we anticipated, their economy is not only stable but they appear to be affluent. My first observation of their cultural advancement came when I witnessed members of law enforcement patrolling on Segways, like something from the works of Aldous Huxley (see also Lenina Huxley of Demolition Man) it was a dreamlike picture of futuristic dandy. 

02:15

I took great pleasure in obliging my role as my subject's subordinate this evening, although I am only performing on stage to disguise my secret objectives, I'd be lying to state that it didn't fill me with an overwhelming sense of accomplishment when I provide such sweet, modest, humble people with enough endorphine release for them to react in an audible display of joyousness. I believe my subject would second this notion. After spending time with the people we entertained after the event I made a mental note that we can learn a lot from their humility and enlightenment, I feel I'm finding out as much about myself as I am about my subject on this particular mission. 

There was no concern in the end that our hosts wanted to harvest our kidneys, in matter of fact, they plied us with enough dubious alcohol to render them useless to the Estonians we will be accompanying in a matter of hours. 

Signing off,

Dr Kai Humphries