Day Six, Ghent (Belgium)

Day: Six

Date: 1st November 2014

Destination: Ghent (Belgium)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

11:00

This is the first morning of the experiment that we haven't been required to vacate the hotel and catch scheduled transportation to another destination. This is refreshingly pleasant for me because not only did I get some much needed rest to nurture the consequences of last night's Pinot Noir but it chiefly provided me with an opportunity to distance myself from my test subject for long enough to remember who I am. 

The trouble with the morning upheavals is that we encounter multiple transactions with personnel from various outposts of the service industry, who if less than adequate at their profession, sculpt Daniel's temperament into that of a cantankerous old man with children on his lawn. You'd think life had to throw you war time depression, the loss of your betrothed and a life time of shattered dreams, then finally having your bones claimed by arthritis, notifying you that your best years are over and you haven't won but you must keep playing until those same bones are claimed by the dirt, before you could be ground down to a state of such vehement bitterness. Wrong. Daniel, at the ripe age of twenty-four finds himself of this emotional constitution if you take fifteen minutes getting his latte order wrong while he's in a hurry at 8am. 

I was eating a platter of cold meats and cheese in the breakfast bar when Daniel spotted me, took a seat and ordered a drink which arrived promptly, I saw the ghost of what looked like a smile on his face before he said "last night was fun." Today is a good day. 

17:00

We've spent the afternoon scratching our heads. Although we were handed the opportunity to explore the beautiful city of Antwerp we rather maturely decided to invest the time granted to us by our prolonged residency in working together on a humorous manuscript. The time was wasted. We attempted to water some ideas in the hope that they'd bloom, but unfortunately the soil lacked some essential nutrients today so the ideas undeniably wilted. It would have been a fruitful harvest had we been willing to compromise our personal integrity, however, arranging words in such a mystifying way that they appear to have the structure of jokes but are inconsequentially void of any impact or reward is something that has already been done by Chuck Lorre and we didn't want to steal his formula.   

I have not let this erode my spirit as we are being chauffeured to a gig in the neighbouring town of Gent very shortly, which I am happy to anticipate. We have an exciting day on the horizon tomorrow as we will descend upon the liberal haven of Amsterdam where we will indeed be joined by some of my fellow professors who will accompany me in the clinical trials of my subject. I predict they will provoke some behavioural anomalies for me to report, of which I am very much looking forward to. Being mindful of our impending debauchery we have concurred that it would be best practice to simply enjoy the sights of the castle tonight then bed down early, free from intoxication. 

03:20

That didn't go to plan, it turns out when all of the key components of an exquisite evening are of the highest standard; great venue, expensive gin, nice weather, outstanding company... It really tests your resolve when it comes to bringing the day to a premature conclusion. In short, we wanted it to go on forever. Belgium, I salute you. 

Signing off,

Kai Humphries

Day Five, Antwerp (Belgium)

Day: Five

Date: 31st October 2014

Destination: Antwerp (Belgium)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

10:30

I have spent the last hour of this flight from Estonia to Latvia losing a sustained conflict over the arm rest with a robust gentleman to my right, seeing as I am in the middle seat and he has the entire cabin aisle to liberate his starboard limbs, I consider it my unlegislated right to occupy the small border separating our positions, however he has shown no respect for my territory and I've resigned to abandoning my position to avoid further contention. I think he might be Russian. To my left a small amount of saliva is working its way down the contour of my companion's chin as the sandman works his devilry.

15:00

We had a three hour layover in Riga before proceeding on to Antwerp, I attempted some small talk with my test subject and he rather discourteously placed his palm brashly on my face and said "Snooze" we didn't talk to one another for a further eight minutes. 

15:08

Having failed with base level communication I engaged Daniel with more meaningful discussion about our respective childhoods, this topic seemed to be of interest to Daniel, I suspect this is because it gave him an opportunity to talk about himself, something he highly enjoys doing regardless of tense. 

At a prominent point in the lengthy exchange I regaled a particularly harrowing anecdote from my secondary school years about the time I presented a Valentine's card to a female classmate named Catherine in attempt to win her favour. Not only did the girl rebuke me but she went on to use Tipp-Ex branded correction fluid to remove my prose from the inside pages of the card, once dry she then used her own gel pen to rewrite the card to a new recipient named Darren who went on to perform lewd acts on her behind the bicycle shed. Allegedly. When I looked up to see Daniel's response it wasn't one of somber empathy deemed appropriate for such a sorrowful tale. He was in fact wearing a mask of extreme merriment that radiated out of him with insuppressible glee, this expression held on his face like he was buffering until the comprehension of the story had fully loaded onto his system, like he was stuck on 99%. When the download was complete he exploded into a rapturous guffaw of laughter that raised mild curiosity from the entire contingent of the departure lounge. This response was a stark reminder that his relationship to me is merely that of a test subject, a case study if you will, and that I must not let an intense working relationship manifest into a bond with a person who would have such a malevolent disregard to the struggle of prepubescent teens. 

23:00 

In a superb venue for performance forged from an abandoned factory with meticulous attention to detail we had the pleasure of entertaining a glorious collection of Belgian citizens in splendid atmospheric conditions for spoken comedy. Once I'd finished my repertoire and Daniel was on stage I heard him beckon me from the wings to join him, we went on to tell the crowd embarrassing stories about each other that would be otherwise inappropriate to reveal to strangers outside the platform of stand up comedy. Although the story of my boyhood woe never came up, I now understand why Daniel found it so hilarious. Because it didn't happen to him. As I conjured happiness from the onlookers at Daniel's expense in a trade for him doing the same to me, I considered that I could possibly subscribe to Daniel's particular brand of schadenfreude. 

03:44

What a night we had, drinking wine alfresco on the cobbled streets of Antwerp with my Belgian comrades; Tom, Arbi and Bo. Their humour and attitude to life really appeals to me, their placidity and laid back nature is as though life is moving in slow motion for them, giving them more time than the rest of us to measure their concise responses and actions. It's just the Belgian way. 

I returned to my quarters positively buoyant from my biological reaction to such high value alcohol and social stimulation, my apartment is a luxurious abode with a bath in the floor of the bedroom, a full mirrored wall and remote operated blinds that can conceal the vista of the city and plunge the room into intimacy at the push of a button. It is reminiscent of a boudoir inhabited by Seth Macfarlane's animated creation Glen Quagmire, for want of a literary reference. At risk of coming across crass, I can't help but imagine what my girlfriend's posterior would look like with the visual enhancement of the mirrored wall, but I refuse to act on my mental imagery because nothing adds tragedy to self gratification like your own reflection. The yearning for my significant other in situations like this exhibits the sacrifices I've made to conduct this study. 

Signing off,

Kai Humphries