Day Eight, Paris (France)

Day: Eight

Date: 3rd November 2014

Destination: Paris (France)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

09:30

I am beyond alarmed that I woke up in my bed at the Hilton hotel to a 09:00 wake up call in preparation for our 10:30 pick up, allowing time for breakfast and ablutions. This situation shouldn't be alarming seeing as this was the plan all along, but my wonderment stems from how I could possibly have executed these plans. Peculiarly, my final memory of last night's mischief in Amsterdam was not that of climbing under the duvet after arranging a sensible waking hour with the concierge like my current situation suggests. The most recent memory I can bring to cognition at this point in the morning is in fact a one of me bidding a fumbled fairwell to my chums then rambling alone through the streets in a state of marvel following the queer patterns and lights generated by the mushrooms I ingested for supper. I recall one vague flashback of showing a stranger the pastel coloured lines flowing across my face in the bathroom mirror, and another of hiding under a table so as not to draw attention to myself while possessed by uncontrollable and inexplicable laughter, how on earth I negotiated a safe landing in such psychedelic turbulence has rendered me awestruck. 

I've just enjoyed an exquisite cooked breakfast and while I'm sitting contemplating the whys and the hows of my respawning in a safe haven, the waitress approached me and asked if I'd like a warm apple turnover direct from the oven? Would I? I nodded happily to indicate my desire to receive the tasty snack, but to my bewilderment she nonchalantly placed the pastry onto my leftover breakfast. I just assumed this to be a custom and I'm sat mopping up egg yolk and beans with a sugary desert treat on a Monday morning, if this isn't the actions of a chronic stoner I don't know what is, nonetheless, a clichéd look I am more than happy to adopt in such a city as this. 

10:15

I met my fresh faced subject in the lobby, Daniel had ended his evening ahead of my good self on the grounds that I had stopped making sense. When he laid eyes on me in the lobby he shot me a look that suggested we shared the astonishment towards my curious fortune, to which I replied "I know." 

12:00

The only thing more annoying than an irritating child being rambunctious on a crowded train, is a child conducting himself in such a manner in French. There is something rather excruciating about hearing incomprehensible high pitched words produced from the back of someone else's throat when you are already of a nauseous disposition. During one particular tantrum from the minor Daniel made the astute observation that he didn't know it was possible to cry in a French accent until he witnessed it today, I had to concur. My main gripe was that the parents made no attempt to quell their offspring's exuberance, at least when Daniel has one of his outbursts on public transport under my jurisdiction I have the decency to shake my keys in his face. 

20:00

We had two hours at our disposal once we arrived here in Paris so I suggested paying a visit to the Eiffel Tower, Daniel responded immediately with the suggestion that there is wifi in the hotel so he would just google it, and although he admitted that pixelated images didn't exactly offer the same impact, he quite rightly indicated that you can see an electricity pylon from the back bedroom of his house so he would just wait until he returned home to enjoy the experience. I hinted an undertone of sarcasm in his voice. 

Instead of venturing out alone into the downpour of rain in pursuit of an overrated landmark I decided to sit down in the shower and cradle my knees until I was hungry.

23:00

I'm sat in the hotel lobby having a nightcap whilst watching my subject talking with his hands into a journalist's dictaphone. Tonight's gig went most favourably, it was our least attended show of the tour yet the crowd consisted of more British ex patriots than we've had in attendance at the remainder of our previous events put together. I don't think the French people care too much about learning the English language. I actually get the impression they don't favour the British very much at all. I initially developed this inclination upon working out that zebra crossings don't serve a purpose here despite being in abundance. When I spotted that motorists didn't care to acknowledge the pseudo-pedestrian crossings, I devised that they were merely in place to lure British tourists who have been conditioned by their traditional function into traffic in order to reduce our numbers. 

Signing off...

Day Seven, Amsterdam (Netherlands)

Day: Seven

Date: 2nd November 2014

Destination: Amsterdam (Netherlands)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

11:00 

I'm feeling positively charged already at the prospect of being in a city that allows you to be sovereign of your own consciousness without risk of incarceration. This in my opinion shouldn't be a luxury afforded to you in a very specific geographical location, but a worldwide liberty as an individual. How can society be considered fair and just when the mere exploration of your own mind could result in an elected body of people revoking your remaining liberties? I am very much looking forward to the impending respite from this oppression. 

As the train hurtles towards the promised land my subject is sat to my right carefully deconstructing a sandwich then reassembling it in a way that will best pacify his unnecessary desires, I'm urged to believe he didn't receive enough praise from his parents when passing a stool at the age of three and developed an anal fixation that he has carried into adult life. Or maybe he doesn't like tomatoes. 

Daniel is cheerful today because we are being accompanied by my fellow professionals; Professors McCabe, Haughton, Stanley and Silver. My men are joining me in the field to aid in my project. These gentlemen are also posing as UK circuit comedians so as not to arouse any suspicions, it will be a pleasant adjustment for Daniel to interact with some new companions as thus far he has only had myself for company and I spend most of my days staring at him and making notes. 

18:00

The clinical trials have been a great success. Professor Andrew Stanley has brought with him his signature device which has been informally dubbed "The Stanley Banter Laser Beam" it is a highly volatile technique and when focused on an individual he will emit an intense ray of sallies, quips and wisecracks for a prolonged period of time at the expense of his target. If you are in the vicinity of Professor Stanley all it requires is something as simple as the mispronounciation of a word, a clumsy fumble of motor skills or a slight violation of accepted social norms and this will trigger his verbal flourish of witticisms in your direction until someone else engages its focus. Now I myself, have have often been the recipient of such jocularity and have discovered that any attempt at defiance only acts to intensify his verbal destruction. I sometimes wish I had a kind of mirror that I could use to deflect his focus, I'd hold it out with both hands and angle it towards passing strangers in the street so they unwittingly received a torrent of jest on their commute. I like to daydream that his Laser is so powerful I could direct my hypothetical deflection shield towards the stratosphere on the off chance I hit a satellite then serve everyone on the O2 network with an forceful but friendly ribbing. The network would be inundated with complaints regarding the unannounced and unconsented upload of doggerel onto their handset, depleting their limited storage and data allowance. Much like the interference by U2 earlier this year. 

Based on that fanciful vision I must conclude that my mental imagery is reacting to the catalyst of sativa marijuana I recently inhaled. I don't usually take illegal substances before I go on stage but in this country that rule changes the line in the sand completely. 

23:00

Our performance in the Toomler comedy venue of Amsterdam was received with much satisfaction by the local crowd, although it was noticeable to the trained eye that we were under certain influence, it did not hinder our articulation when conveying our thoughts and ideas, if anything, I feel we drew creativity from our altered condition and improved some aspects of our delivery. The Dutch people seemed to enjoy that we had been indulging in their customs. 

As suspected, pre and post performance, our subject was a major beneficiary of the Stanley Banter Laser Beam therapy. My fellow professors and I did our best to guide the beam in Daniel's direction over the course of the day, it was quite the spectacle to observe him being reduced like this. With an ego such as the one in the case of Daniel Sloss it is essential treatment to receive such frequencies as the ones projected on him today, with the reoccurring adoration from his admirers and the champagne treatment he constantly receives from our hosts, he runs the risk of being consumed by his own hype. With frequent interventions such as this one from close associates his vanity is unlikely to graduate into full blown narcissism.

I was feeling peckish so treated myself to a small portion of mushrooms, this local delicacy was far from flavoursome, I have no idea why it's so popular over here. 

99:99:99:99

What is time!? 

Day Six, Ghent (Belgium)

Day: Six

Date: 1st November 2014

Destination: Ghent (Belgium)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

11:00

This is the first morning of the experiment that we haven't been required to vacate the hotel and catch scheduled transportation to another destination. This is refreshingly pleasant for me because not only did I get some much needed rest to nurture the consequences of last night's Pinot Noir but it chiefly provided me with an opportunity to distance myself from my test subject for long enough to remember who I am. 

The trouble with the morning upheavals is that we encounter multiple transactions with personnel from various outposts of the service industry, who if less than adequate at their profession, sculpt Daniel's temperament into that of a cantankerous old man with children on his lawn. You'd think life had to throw you war time depression, the loss of your betrothed and a life time of shattered dreams, then finally having your bones claimed by arthritis, notifying you that your best years are over and you haven't won but you must keep playing until those same bones are claimed by the dirt, before you could be ground down to a state of such vehement bitterness. Wrong. Daniel, at the ripe age of twenty-four finds himself of this emotional constitution if you take fifteen minutes getting his latte order wrong while he's in a hurry at 8am. 

I was eating a platter of cold meats and cheese in the breakfast bar when Daniel spotted me, took a seat and ordered a drink which arrived promptly, I saw the ghost of what looked like a smile on his face before he said "last night was fun." Today is a good day. 

17:00

We've spent the afternoon scratching our heads. Although we were handed the opportunity to explore the beautiful city of Antwerp we rather maturely decided to invest the time granted to us by our prolonged residency in working together on a humorous manuscript. The time was wasted. We attempted to water some ideas in the hope that they'd bloom, but unfortunately the soil lacked some essential nutrients today so the ideas undeniably wilted. It would have been a fruitful harvest had we been willing to compromise our personal integrity, however, arranging words in such a mystifying way that they appear to have the structure of jokes but are inconsequentially void of any impact or reward is something that has already been done by Chuck Lorre and we didn't want to steal his formula.   

I have not let this erode my spirit as we are being chauffeured to a gig in the neighbouring town of Gent very shortly, which I am happy to anticipate. We have an exciting day on the horizon tomorrow as we will descend upon the liberal haven of Amsterdam where we will indeed be joined by some of my fellow professors who will accompany me in the clinical trials of my subject. I predict they will provoke some behavioural anomalies for me to report, of which I am very much looking forward to. Being mindful of our impending debauchery we have concurred that it would be best practice to simply enjoy the sights of the castle tonight then bed down early, free from intoxication. 

03:20

That didn't go to plan, it turns out when all of the key components of an exquisite evening are of the highest standard; great venue, expensive gin, nice weather, outstanding company... It really tests your resolve when it comes to bringing the day to a premature conclusion. In short, we wanted it to go on forever. Belgium, I salute you. 

Signing off,

Kai Humphries