Day Eleven, Stockholm (Sweden)

Day: Eleven

Date: 6th November 2014

Destination: Stockholm (Sweden)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

09:59

The benefits of having a day off yesterday are reaped today as we wake up in not only in the same city but the exact same venue that we will be performing in tonight. The day breaks with no pressure of early upheaval from the hotel, no airport check-in times looming, no checking every pocket and compartment of my holdall for my passport before finding it in a shoe under my bed and sighing so hard with relief that my neighbours think I got lucky. I have become so accustomed to the day commencing with a multitude of dealings that could go sour and blemish an otherwise flawless campaign. The responsibility on my shoulders that venue staff, marketing teams, agents, tour operators, ticket holders and of course Daniel himself could have their months of planning and labour scuppered if I take leave of my aptitude to hit 'snooze' one too many times. Even when I do efficiently execute the gruelling daily task of throwing my legs over the side of the bed and heaving my torso into an upright stance in order to set the cogs of the day grinding with a splutter into motion to the beat of my alarm and the throb of my hangover, I am served with a platter of internal queries; Passport? Wallet? Currency? Watch? Toiletries? Phone? Charger? What happened last night? Where did I leave Daniel? Why is my bed wet? Once I wrangle together my material possessions, find the location of my test subject and tip the maid, I relax in transit and begin to collate my findings from the previous day. Today is different, I have none of those anxieties. We exercised our freedom from these shackles up until just a few hours ago by sinking several units of a liquor given the deceptively amiable title of 'Fisherman's Friend.' At this point of the morning as the light cuts with relentless ease through the blinds, my eyes and finally my soul, I consider the beverage would be more aptly dubbed 'Comedian's Nemesis.' 

So for what reason am I rebuking this opportunity to gently close my eyes, momentarily dismissing the world and burying the side effects of my alcohol consumption under as many layers of sleep deemed necessary to regain my zest for consciousness? Why am I staring at a clock that reads 09:59 with a stirring disquiet? It is as though the sand of time has a furtive secret that I'm not privy to, that it will only divulge when its face changes in sixty seconds or less. I wrack my aching brain trying to decipher this cruel riddle that the morning has bestowed upon me before it's too late. Then with an abrupt realisation the uneasiness I've been incubating manifests into heart stopping dread as the adrenal gland atop of my kidneys has a purge of epinephrine that boosts the supply of glucose and oxygen to the epicentre of my cerebrum, charging me to bolt upright in a sudden frenzy of panic: Breakfast finishes at ten!

10:00

It's a miracle that I managed to get out of bed, get dressed, document my thoughts and make it down the stairs in time for a feed before the offering of delights was brutally revoked from those less punctual. The character trait of mine that I attribute to the town of Blyth from which I hail is that I seldom forgo complimentary food. My test subject on the other hand doesn't appear to hold nourishment so high on his agenda. 

I have made a noteworthy discovery in this very moment. If anyone ever asks me what can make a traditional fried breakfast even more superior than it currently is, I will tell them Meatballs, the answer is Meatballs. And I will tell them Sweden gave me this intelligence in the winter of 2014. 

12:00

My test subject has risen from his slumber and joined me in the hotel lobby to partake in some comedic writing, as I make notes on his behaviour he procedes to tweak a script which we have been pondering over of late. As I watch Daniel I observe that he talks with his hands even when the talking is done in his head. An onlooker might suppose he is having a Skype session with a deaf relative. I am just glad we are in Stockholm and not LA otherwise he could potentially start a gang war with a passing Crip. 

Daniel pointed out to me that my attire of block grey Super-Dry branded leisurewear is not fitting to the plush surroundings of the luxurious hotel foyer but I have resisted explaining to him that this is the disguise I have adopted to throw him off the scent of my being a supremely qualified psychiatric scientisist on a highly covert operation. 

16:00

I have had the most harrowing of experiences. As I documented my findings from my former affairs in the field I unintentionally erased my entire body of work. As I attempted to copy my accounts from the computerised document and subsequently duplicate them into my online journal I got segued into the pit of procrastination that is YouTube, in doing so made the haphazard error of replacing the copied data on my clipboard with the link to a video of a chimpanzee urinating into it's own face. Upon realising that I had carelessly discarded my backbreaking efforts for the purpose of sharing the primate's folly with strangers on an online forum I immediately checked my archives. To my dismay it was gone, I had permanently cut the data from it's source rather than copying it, then tossed it into the chasmic cyber-ether with reckless disregard. The blank canvas was mirrored by my own physical emptiness, a void that no amount of free food will ever replace. Daniel sensed my gut wrenching disarray the way rats foresee tectonic activity and his head jerked towards me, he held a quizzical gaze as I wrenched at my hair with closed fists. Upon learning the nature of my misfortune Daniel didn't laugh organically but rather said the word 'Ha' multiple disembodied times. Although he bathed me in a verbal display of schadenfreude I could tell the man showed a glimmer of sympathy for my disastrous ordeal because he extended the gesture of quietly providing me with a caffeinated beverage as I embarked on the laborious task of starting again from scratch. I don't believe he would have extended this generosity had he known the rip roaring deconstruction of his idiosyncrasies in my recently disposed documentation.   

01:00 

Nothing extraordinary to report from our evening's shenanigans other than some wholesome socialising with a delightful mix of Swedish and Finnish acquaintances over a civilised drink post performance. All of the elements of the evening from the show to the Shiraz were to my subject's pleasure and he retreats to his chambers in a satisfied state of contentment. As do I myself after quite the rollercoaster of a day. 

Signing off,

Kai Humphries

Day Ten, Stockholm (Sweden)

Day: Ten

Date: 5th November 2014

Destination: Stockholm (Sweden)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

Dear Journal,

Today we take a day's respite from performing, but due to a professional obligation to my studies I must remain in a contained proximity to my subject. During our journey from Oslo to Stockholm I have arranged for a bouquet of pansies and a teddy-bear to be delivered to the workplace of my beloved inamorata 'Natalie' who celebrates the completion of her 29th year on this earth today. The doting gesture of adoration is to act as a surprise accompaniment to the gift I had already left behind before embarking on my journey, and additionally aids to pacify any displeasure she may harbour towards my absence. I dare say it also selfishly helps to quell my own guilt at the situation. Regardless, Daniel has informed me that my actions suggest that I am a closeted homosexual. 

When you are subject to such intense exposure to another human being, like I have endured in the case of Daniel Sloss, you have to meditate your thoughts to ensure the mild irritation borne from that person's idiosyncrasies doesn't develope into irrational loathing. One such trait occurs when we are walking between two points and I cause a minor delay to our passage by stopping to tie my shoelace or taking a slight detour towards a litter bin. Daniel displays no patience, continuing at the same pace and trajectory without accommodating for my falling behind, leaving me to choose which is least degrading; loping after him like an obedient puppy on his heel or walking five paces behind him like an oppressed wife in a culture governed by religion. However, this display of megalomania is not the mannerism of his that grinds my gears the most, that comes when my subject becomes spitefully obtuse upon being asked a seemingly simple question. I recently inquired as to whether or not the Euro was legal tender in Sweden and Daniel quite needlessly responded with a vindictive snark at the mere suggestion that he should own such knowledge. Considering I asked this question based on my understanding that he has spent several prolonged periods of time in the aforementioned country in recent years, I am worried that if he is not being unnecessarily obtuse on this occasion and actually can't recall from his experience, that he may indeed be inflicted with severe learning difficulties. Maybe he simply isn't exhibiting the same stoic resilience as I to my own idiosyncrasies such as asking questions that don't benefit him in any way to answer, heartlessly forcing him look away from his iPhone for a moment at no personal gain. 

Despite the negative observations forged in the metaphoric pressure of our situation I have became increasingly fond of my subject, this makes it very fitting that we are heading to Stockholm, the origin of the name given to the syndrome I have recently acquired. 

18:00

In a miraculous quirk of serendipity I discovered through the black art of social media that an old friend of mine from my home town, who goes by the moniker of 'Picket' was a mere 200 yards away from my current location. On happening upon each other Picket and I spent the best part of an hour struck with awe and commenting on our disbelief by using various turns of phrase and visiting several clichés that referenced the odds involved in such an occurrence and how deceptively miniature our planet is, before we finally delved into any conversation of real substance. One thing we did immediately bring to pass was the inclusion of locally brewed ale into our extraordinary circumstances. 

23:30

My Subject, Picket and I have been accompanied by several of the vanguard of Swedish comedy, needless to say spirits are soaring as our glasses frequently clink together in cheer as we bask in the merriment of such remarkable company. Daniel seems exceptionally familiar with the Swedish contingent of our group, reminiscing with zeal over previous shenanigans from his earlier visitations, however his recollection of this nostalgia must be a facade in lieu of his stuttering memory which previously rendered him dumbfounded by the suggestion of recalling major details from his stay.   

In the competitive nature of Scandinavian countries our Swedish hosts discovered we enjoyed the alcohol and Shuffle-Board in Norway and felt obliged to indulge us in a double measure of both. The prices however are not so competitive as I discovered upon purchasing a steak pie that cost approximately the same as a semi-detached house in Fife. 

Daniel has quite deviously dispatched an SMS to my good lady asking her if she received the flowers that he sent. I don't resent his interception of the accreditation from my gesture however, because I witnessed a photograph of the special delivery she had received and what I saw was not a gift I'd be proud to claim responsibility for. The flowers looked more like a fistful of wet nettles than the extravagant display exhibited on the promotional material that inspired my purchase. On top of that, the teddy arrived shrink wrapped as though it had asphyxiated in a torturous sex act during transit.  

02:15

With the omission of a gig and the inclusion of some dear chums, the intake of firewater can escalate into a measure capable of reducing you to comatose. I teetered perilously close to this deep state of unconsciousness tonight as my eyelids began to feel as though they were resisting some kind of hypnotic sorcery that was working to knit them together. I have said my goodbyes and stumbled back to my resort. My thoughts are with Picket who must soon catch two flights then drive for three hours to return home whilst in the very same condition as I, when all he had initially planned was a quiet evening after work with a cup of tea and a box set.  

Signing off,

Kai Humphries

Day Nine, Oslo (Norway)

Day: Nine

Date: 4th November 2014

Destination: Oslo (Norway)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

09:00

It is to our delight that we are leaving Paris, although the gig itself was a bastion of enjoyment and our host was the perfect gentleman, the remainder of our experience was in stark contrast to more preferable impressions instilled in us by our previous destinations. I found it difficult to adapt to the manners of which proprietors of service were proudly lacking. When you courteously part with currency in exchange for assistance as advertised you shouldn't expect to be subjected to such unnecessary disdain when this transaction is the very goal of the provider's business model. What I'm trying to express is that based on my findings public sector employees in France, as a rule, are generally contemptuous pissants. 

Daniel presented me with his carefully formulated theory that Paris acquired its status as the paragon of romance due to the fact that bringing an intimate companion here for an amorous retreat would result in having to indulge her with flattery, grand gestures and affection to compensate for your geographical err, it forces you to rise up and provide the charm that the city so clearly lacks. As he eloquently put it "its just a bunch of miserable ****s tutting at art depicting wars that they ****ing lost."

10:00

We are currently in the cab to the airport and the driver is sighing an audible breath of displeasure with every exhalation, I am getting increasingly concerned that he may deplete all of the oxygen in the car and suffocate us with his scorn, I have lowered the window a smidgeon just in case. It is interesting trying to decipher the internal monologue silently projected from Daniel's facial expressions, I imagine it might go exactly like the sighing that is being emitted from our sullen chauffeur. 

13:00

Arriving in Oslo we each draw a breath of fresh, friendly air. It's a pleasure to be in such beautiful and affable surroundings with our dwelling situated pleasingly overlooking the fjord.  Given that we have time to kill this will be a good opportunity to explore our immediate catchment and study my subject as he spiritually detoxes from the negative flavour of France and further recuperates from the physical fatigue of Amsterdam. 

18:00

As I delivered my luggage to my room I made the mistake of perching on the bed to slowly blink, in doing so four hours of time which I planned on utilising accelerated past me in a dark dreamless warp of the cosmos. Upon waking and in negligence of my studies I felt the urge to inquire how my subject deployed his time in my absence, in an attempt to obtain some information on his behavioural patterns in the city of Oslo. It transpires he spent the afternoon watching YouTube videos of failed public marriage proposals rather than absorbing some of the city's delights. 

23:00

The Norwegian audience were very responsive with their enjoyment as we regaled them with our colourful anecdotes. This was as much to do with a perfectly structured and expertly developed working environment as it was to do with our own aplomb. They say a bad workman can't blame his tools but I believe any workman can credit his workshop. I am now sat in a bar with a small pouch of tobacco pressed between my top lip and the gum of my incisors, I'm not sure to the purpose of this Norwegian past-time other than making you feel like you have a harelip. My subject is also partaking in the custom with minimal elegance as he unattractively prods at it with subconscious repulsiveness whilst flirtatiously chatting to a harem of admirers.    

02:30

We shot beverages of high alcohol content in Norway from vessels the size of an average household vase. After several of these refreshments we challenged some of our newly acquired Scandinavian acquaintances to a friendly game of their national sport, Shuffle-Board. Shuffle-Board is an indoor sport that requires you to carefully slide a smooth metal weight from one side of a lengthy wooden surface, which has been varnished and lightly sanded, to the other. Their are zones at the far end of the board which should your measured toss land the weight within, will result in points for your team, over shooting these zones will put your metal weight in a gutter of sand nullifying your attempts. Mix this game with alcohol and split the teams into nations and it can be quite interesting how competitive this event will become. At one point my subject took a particularly good shot knocking our competitor's weight out of the scoring zone and into the gutter then he proceeded to unashamedly extend his arm and subsequently his middle finger then present the vulgar gesture an inch away from her face to a back drop of belly laughter. His humility also ebbed when we won the game and he did a victorious lap of the gaming table which he concluded by sliding on his chest across the bar room floor in a fashion reminiscent of the way German footballer Jurgan Klinsmann would celebrate his goals in the early 1990's. I've never seen him this happy. 

Signing off,

Kai Humphries

Day Seven, Amsterdam (Netherlands)

Day: Seven

Date: 2nd November 2014

Destination: Amsterdam (Netherlands)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

11:00 

I'm feeling positively charged already at the prospect of being in a city that allows you to be sovereign of your own consciousness without risk of incarceration. This in my opinion shouldn't be a luxury afforded to you in a very specific geographical location, but a worldwide liberty as an individual. How can society be considered fair and just when the mere exploration of your own mind could result in an elected body of people revoking your remaining liberties? I am very much looking forward to the impending respite from this oppression. 

As the train hurtles towards the promised land my subject is sat to my right carefully deconstructing a sandwich then reassembling it in a way that will best pacify his unnecessary desires, I'm urged to believe he didn't receive enough praise from his parents when passing a stool at the age of three and developed an anal fixation that he has carried into adult life. Or maybe he doesn't like tomatoes. 

Daniel is cheerful today because we are being accompanied by my fellow professionals; Professors McCabe, Haughton, Stanley and Silver. My men are joining me in the field to aid in my project. These gentlemen are also posing as UK circuit comedians so as not to arouse any suspicions, it will be a pleasant adjustment for Daniel to interact with some new companions as thus far he has only had myself for company and I spend most of my days staring at him and making notes. 

18:00

The clinical trials have been a great success. Professor Andrew Stanley has brought with him his signature device which has been informally dubbed "The Stanley Banter Laser Beam" it is a highly volatile technique and when focused on an individual he will emit an intense ray of sallies, quips and wisecracks for a prolonged period of time at the expense of his target. If you are in the vicinity of Professor Stanley all it requires is something as simple as the mispronounciation of a word, a clumsy fumble of motor skills or a slight violation of accepted social norms and this will trigger his verbal flourish of witticisms in your direction until someone else engages its focus. Now I myself, have have often been the recipient of such jocularity and have discovered that any attempt at defiance only acts to intensify his verbal destruction. I sometimes wish I had a kind of mirror that I could use to deflect his focus, I'd hold it out with both hands and angle it towards passing strangers in the street so they unwittingly received a torrent of jest on their commute. I like to daydream that his Laser is so powerful I could direct my hypothetical deflection shield towards the stratosphere on the off chance I hit a satellite then serve everyone on the O2 network with an forceful but friendly ribbing. The network would be inundated with complaints regarding the unannounced and unconsented upload of doggerel onto their handset, depleting their limited storage and data allowance. Much like the interference by U2 earlier this year. 

Based on that fanciful vision I must conclude that my mental imagery is reacting to the catalyst of sativa marijuana I recently inhaled. I don't usually take illegal substances before I go on stage but in this country that rule changes the line in the sand completely. 

23:00

Our performance in the Toomler comedy venue of Amsterdam was received with much satisfaction by the local crowd, although it was noticeable to the trained eye that we were under certain influence, it did not hinder our articulation when conveying our thoughts and ideas, if anything, I feel we drew creativity from our altered condition and improved some aspects of our delivery. The Dutch people seemed to enjoy that we had been indulging in their customs. 

As suspected, pre and post performance, our subject was a major beneficiary of the Stanley Banter Laser Beam therapy. My fellow professors and I did our best to guide the beam in Daniel's direction over the course of the day, it was quite the spectacle to observe him being reduced like this. With an ego such as the one in the case of Daniel Sloss it is essential treatment to receive such frequencies as the ones projected on him today, with the reoccurring adoration from his admirers and the champagne treatment he constantly receives from our hosts, he runs the risk of being consumed by his own hype. With frequent interventions such as this one from close associates his vanity is unlikely to graduate into full blown narcissism.

I was feeling peckish so treated myself to a small portion of mushrooms, this local delicacy was far from flavoursome, I have no idea why it's so popular over here. 

99:99:99:99

What is time!? 

Day Six, Ghent (Belgium)

Day: Six

Date: 1st November 2014

Destination: Ghent (Belgium)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

11:00

This is the first morning of the experiment that we haven't been required to vacate the hotel and catch scheduled transportation to another destination. This is refreshingly pleasant for me because not only did I get some much needed rest to nurture the consequences of last night's Pinot Noir but it chiefly provided me with an opportunity to distance myself from my test subject for long enough to remember who I am. 

The trouble with the morning upheavals is that we encounter multiple transactions with personnel from various outposts of the service industry, who if less than adequate at their profession, sculpt Daniel's temperament into that of a cantankerous old man with children on his lawn. You'd think life had to throw you war time depression, the loss of your betrothed and a life time of shattered dreams, then finally having your bones claimed by arthritis, notifying you that your best years are over and you haven't won but you must keep playing until those same bones are claimed by the dirt, before you could be ground down to a state of such vehement bitterness. Wrong. Daniel, at the ripe age of twenty-four finds himself of this emotional constitution if you take fifteen minutes getting his latte order wrong while he's in a hurry at 8am. 

I was eating a platter of cold meats and cheese in the breakfast bar when Daniel spotted me, took a seat and ordered a drink which arrived promptly, I saw the ghost of what looked like a smile on his face before he said "last night was fun." Today is a good day. 

17:00

We've spent the afternoon scratching our heads. Although we were handed the opportunity to explore the beautiful city of Antwerp we rather maturely decided to invest the time granted to us by our prolonged residency in working together on a humorous manuscript. The time was wasted. We attempted to water some ideas in the hope that they'd bloom, but unfortunately the soil lacked some essential nutrients today so the ideas undeniably wilted. It would have been a fruitful harvest had we been willing to compromise our personal integrity, however, arranging words in such a mystifying way that they appear to have the structure of jokes but are inconsequentially void of any impact or reward is something that has already been done by Chuck Lorre and we didn't want to steal his formula.   

I have not let this erode my spirit as we are being chauffeured to a gig in the neighbouring town of Gent very shortly, which I am happy to anticipate. We have an exciting day on the horizon tomorrow as we will descend upon the liberal haven of Amsterdam where we will indeed be joined by some of my fellow professors who will accompany me in the clinical trials of my subject. I predict they will provoke some behavioural anomalies for me to report, of which I am very much looking forward to. Being mindful of our impending debauchery we have concurred that it would be best practice to simply enjoy the sights of the castle tonight then bed down early, free from intoxication. 

03:20

That didn't go to plan, it turns out when all of the key components of an exquisite evening are of the highest standard; great venue, expensive gin, nice weather, outstanding company... It really tests your resolve when it comes to bringing the day to a premature conclusion. In short, we wanted it to go on forever. Belgium, I salute you. 

Signing off,

Kai Humphries