Day Eleven, Stockholm (Sweden)

Day: Eleven

Date: 6th November 2014

Destination: Stockholm (Sweden)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

09:59

The benefits of having a day off yesterday are reaped today as we wake up in not only in the same city but the exact same venue that we will be performing in tonight. The day breaks with no pressure of early upheaval from the hotel, no airport check-in times looming, no checking every pocket and compartment of my holdall for my passport before finding it in a shoe under my bed and sighing so hard with relief that my neighbours think I got lucky. I have become so accustomed to the day commencing with a multitude of dealings that could go sour and blemish an otherwise flawless campaign. The responsibility on my shoulders that venue staff, marketing teams, agents, tour operators, ticket holders and of course Daniel himself could have their months of planning and labour scuppered if I take leave of my aptitude to hit 'snooze' one too many times. Even when I do efficiently execute the gruelling daily task of throwing my legs over the side of the bed and heaving my torso into an upright stance in order to set the cogs of the day grinding with a splutter into motion to the beat of my alarm and the throb of my hangover, I am served with a platter of internal queries; Passport? Wallet? Currency? Watch? Toiletries? Phone? Charger? What happened last night? Where did I leave Daniel? Why is my bed wet? Once I wrangle together my material possessions, find the location of my test subject and tip the maid, I relax in transit and begin to collate my findings from the previous day. Today is different, I have none of those anxieties. We exercised our freedom from these shackles up until just a few hours ago by sinking several units of a liquor given the deceptively amiable title of 'Fisherman's Friend.' At this point of the morning as the light cuts with relentless ease through the blinds, my eyes and finally my soul, I consider the beverage would be more aptly dubbed 'Comedian's Nemesis.' 

So for what reason am I rebuking this opportunity to gently close my eyes, momentarily dismissing the world and burying the side effects of my alcohol consumption under as many layers of sleep deemed necessary to regain my zest for consciousness? Why am I staring at a clock that reads 09:59 with a stirring disquiet? It is as though the sand of time has a furtive secret that I'm not privy to, that it will only divulge when its face changes in sixty seconds or less. I wrack my aching brain trying to decipher this cruel riddle that the morning has bestowed upon me before it's too late. Then with an abrupt realisation the uneasiness I've been incubating manifests into heart stopping dread as the adrenal gland atop of my kidneys has a purge of epinephrine that boosts the supply of glucose and oxygen to the epicentre of my cerebrum, charging me to bolt upright in a sudden frenzy of panic: Breakfast finishes at ten!

10:00

It's a miracle that I managed to get out of bed, get dressed, document my thoughts and make it down the stairs in time for a feed before the offering of delights was brutally revoked from those less punctual. The character trait of mine that I attribute to the town of Blyth from which I hail is that I seldom forgo complimentary food. My test subject on the other hand doesn't appear to hold nourishment so high on his agenda. 

I have made a noteworthy discovery in this very moment. If anyone ever asks me what can make a traditional fried breakfast even more superior than it currently is, I will tell them Meatballs, the answer is Meatballs. And I will tell them Sweden gave me this intelligence in the winter of 2014. 

12:00

My test subject has risen from his slumber and joined me in the hotel lobby to partake in some comedic writing, as I make notes on his behaviour he procedes to tweak a script which we have been pondering over of late. As I watch Daniel I observe that he talks with his hands even when the talking is done in his head. An onlooker might suppose he is having a Skype session with a deaf relative. I am just glad we are in Stockholm and not LA otherwise he could potentially start a gang war with a passing Crip. 

Daniel pointed out to me that my attire of block grey Super-Dry branded leisurewear is not fitting to the plush surroundings of the luxurious hotel foyer but I have resisted explaining to him that this is the disguise I have adopted to throw him off the scent of my being a supremely qualified psychiatric scientisist on a highly covert operation. 

16:00

I have had the most harrowing of experiences. As I documented my findings from my former affairs in the field I unintentionally erased my entire body of work. As I attempted to copy my accounts from the computerised document and subsequently duplicate them into my online journal I got segued into the pit of procrastination that is YouTube, in doing so made the haphazard error of replacing the copied data on my clipboard with the link to a video of a chimpanzee urinating into it's own face. Upon realising that I had carelessly discarded my backbreaking efforts for the purpose of sharing the primate's folly with strangers on an online forum I immediately checked my archives. To my dismay it was gone, I had permanently cut the data from it's source rather than copying it, then tossed it into the chasmic cyber-ether with reckless disregard. The blank canvas was mirrored by my own physical emptiness, a void that no amount of free food will ever replace. Daniel sensed my gut wrenching disarray the way rats foresee tectonic activity and his head jerked towards me, he held a quizzical gaze as I wrenched at my hair with closed fists. Upon learning the nature of my misfortune Daniel didn't laugh organically but rather said the word 'Ha' multiple disembodied times. Although he bathed me in a verbal display of schadenfreude I could tell the man showed a glimmer of sympathy for my disastrous ordeal because he extended the gesture of quietly providing me with a caffeinated beverage as I embarked on the laborious task of starting again from scratch. I don't believe he would have extended this generosity had he known the rip roaring deconstruction of his idiosyncrasies in my recently disposed documentation.   

01:00 

Nothing extraordinary to report from our evening's shenanigans other than some wholesome socialising with a delightful mix of Swedish and Finnish acquaintances over a civilised drink post performance. All of the elements of the evening from the show to the Shiraz were to my subject's pleasure and he retreats to his chambers in a satisfied state of contentment. As do I myself after quite the rollercoaster of a day. 

Signing off,

Kai Humphries

Day Ten, Stockholm (Sweden)

Day: Ten

Date: 5th November 2014

Destination: Stockholm (Sweden)

Subject: Daniel Sloss

Dear Journal,

Today we take a day's respite from performing, but due to a professional obligation to my studies I must remain in a contained proximity to my subject. During our journey from Oslo to Stockholm I have arranged for a bouquet of pansies and a teddy-bear to be delivered to the workplace of my beloved inamorata 'Natalie' who celebrates the completion of her 29th year on this earth today. The doting gesture of adoration is to act as a surprise accompaniment to the gift I had already left behind before embarking on my journey, and additionally aids to pacify any displeasure she may harbour towards my absence. I dare say it also selfishly helps to quell my own guilt at the situation. Regardless, Daniel has informed me that my actions suggest that I am a closeted homosexual. 

When you are subject to such intense exposure to another human being, like I have endured in the case of Daniel Sloss, you have to meditate your thoughts to ensure the mild irritation borne from that person's idiosyncrasies doesn't develope into irrational loathing. One such trait occurs when we are walking between two points and I cause a minor delay to our passage by stopping to tie my shoelace or taking a slight detour towards a litter bin. Daniel displays no patience, continuing at the same pace and trajectory without accommodating for my falling behind, leaving me to choose which is least degrading; loping after him like an obedient puppy on his heel or walking five paces behind him like an oppressed wife in a culture governed by religion. However, this display of megalomania is not the mannerism of his that grinds my gears the most, that comes when my subject becomes spitefully obtuse upon being asked a seemingly simple question. I recently inquired as to whether or not the Euro was legal tender in Sweden and Daniel quite needlessly responded with a vindictive snark at the mere suggestion that he should own such knowledge. Considering I asked this question based on my understanding that he has spent several prolonged periods of time in the aforementioned country in recent years, I am worried that if he is not being unnecessarily obtuse on this occasion and actually can't recall from his experience, that he may indeed be inflicted with severe learning difficulties. Maybe he simply isn't exhibiting the same stoic resilience as I to my own idiosyncrasies such as asking questions that don't benefit him in any way to answer, heartlessly forcing him look away from his iPhone for a moment at no personal gain. 

Despite the negative observations forged in the metaphoric pressure of our situation I have became increasingly fond of my subject, this makes it very fitting that we are heading to Stockholm, the origin of the name given to the syndrome I have recently acquired. 

18:00

In a miraculous quirk of serendipity I discovered through the black art of social media that an old friend of mine from my home town, who goes by the moniker of 'Picket' was a mere 200 yards away from my current location. On happening upon each other Picket and I spent the best part of an hour struck with awe and commenting on our disbelief by using various turns of phrase and visiting several clichés that referenced the odds involved in such an occurrence and how deceptively miniature our planet is, before we finally delved into any conversation of real substance. One thing we did immediately bring to pass was the inclusion of locally brewed ale into our extraordinary circumstances. 

23:30

My Subject, Picket and I have been accompanied by several of the vanguard of Swedish comedy, needless to say spirits are soaring as our glasses frequently clink together in cheer as we bask in the merriment of such remarkable company. Daniel seems exceptionally familiar with the Swedish contingent of our group, reminiscing with zeal over previous shenanigans from his earlier visitations, however his recollection of this nostalgia must be a facade in lieu of his stuttering memory which previously rendered him dumbfounded by the suggestion of recalling major details from his stay.   

In the competitive nature of Scandinavian countries our Swedish hosts discovered we enjoyed the alcohol and Shuffle-Board in Norway and felt obliged to indulge us in a double measure of both. The prices however are not so competitive as I discovered upon purchasing a steak pie that cost approximately the same as a semi-detached house in Fife. 

Daniel has quite deviously dispatched an SMS to my good lady asking her if she received the flowers that he sent. I don't resent his interception of the accreditation from my gesture however, because I witnessed a photograph of the special delivery she had received and what I saw was not a gift I'd be proud to claim responsibility for. The flowers looked more like a fistful of wet nettles than the extravagant display exhibited on the promotional material that inspired my purchase. On top of that, the teddy arrived shrink wrapped as though it had asphyxiated in a torturous sex act during transit.  

02:15

With the omission of a gig and the inclusion of some dear chums, the intake of firewater can escalate into a measure capable of reducing you to comatose. I teetered perilously close to this deep state of unconsciousness tonight as my eyelids began to feel as though they were resisting some kind of hypnotic sorcery that was working to knit them together. I have said my goodbyes and stumbled back to my resort. My thoughts are with Picket who must soon catch two flights then drive for three hours to return home whilst in the very same condition as I, when all he had initially planned was a quiet evening after work with a cup of tea and a box set.  

Signing off,

Kai Humphries