News for Dummies: 15/01/14

One Direction's Liam Payne has been bollocked by his management after being photographed balancing on the 34th floor ledge ledge of a building. His agent reportedly said to Liam "what do you think you're doing risking your life? Do you think the list of musicians who died young... Jimmy Hendrix, Tupac Shakur, Amy Whinehouse, Kurt Cobain, Otis Reading, Buddy fucking Holly... would look right with the name LIAM PAYNE on it? How dare you threaten to taint that list. You boys have to live forever."


Rolf Harris had 12 charges of sexual assault put to him as he stood in court yesterday; so if that's how many people he assaulted just while he stood in court, the grand total must be millions.


Kanye west punched an 18 year old boy on the arm for verbally abusing his vapid attention whore, Kim Kardashian; Just going around punching people in the arm are you Kanye? Classic arm punch? That'll teach him. You should try this combo "Arm Punch, Slap to the face, Yell 'Stop it', Tell their dad"

You're meant to be a rapper, if someone abused DMX or Ice Cube's wife they'd end up being a statistic. Never mind going around punching people in the arm.


Justin Bieber got arrested last night for criminal damages after throwing Eggs at his Neighbours house; today's news just seems to be fake musicians attention seeking to shamelessly extend their meagre shelf life, I mean Rolf took the attention seeking a bit far, but at least molesting people is more rock and roll than throwing eggs.


Ken Barlow is denying charges of sexual assault but I think this photo says it all:

"please.... no...."

150 Police raided 15 Sauna's across Edinburgh in a sting on illegal sex trade; that's 10 policemen to each Sauna, 20 if you count the ones that were of duty and already in there. They weren't even raids in the end, they just turned into staff nights out.

Banana's are bad for monkeys; this changes everything... my whole life has been a lie; whet next, ducks don't like bread? hay is bad for horses? Women don't like being pissed on? I don't know what is real anymore.

News for Dummies 14/01/14

72% of Brits believe if they are suffering from a terminal illness they should be able to go the same way as Hayley Cropper in Coronation Street; the other 28% think having a sex change on your death bed is a waste of NHS funding.


It has been revealed that if Scotland gain independence then the rest of the UK will be left with the national debt. It's more like a divorce than a referendum. Will we need to send all of our kids up to Scotland too? Will they get all of the UK's cars?

Most/All of the Scottish people I've spoken to don't want independence from the UK, I think if Alex Salmond wants independence so bad let him have it. Section off a portion of the highlands, revoke his National Insurance number, and just throw him in the woods. Enjoy your independence Alex.


A stalker has been jailed after he followed his victim all the way to Turkey to deliver her a peanut; And let's face it, no-one trusts a lone peanut, even if one of my loved ones offered me a random lone Peanut I'd be dubious. I bet she stood there in Marmaris faced with this weird-o going "Aye right, I bet you found it down the back of the couch, I'm not falling for that!"



Who delivers a peanut....

A 27 year old brunette in Glasgow revealed that she's been living a double life, being an Escort and meeting clients in The Hilton while holding down a day-job as a recruitment worker. Hold on a second here. My girlfriend lives in Glasgow... And is Brunette... And works in Recruitment... FOR THE HILTON... oh wait. She's 28... If I find out the fucking whore has been lying to me about her age there's going to be hell on!

Hi Natalie, Love you, if all this is true invoice my agent.


A 50 year old man went sleep-walking to the shops in his Pyjama's; but what's the excuse of every 20 year old woman in Liverpool.


Mikhail Kalashnikov, the inventor of the AK-47, announced on his deathbed that he felt guilty; don't feel guilty Mikhail, if it wasn't for you working out a way to make hot lead break the sound barrier, millions of people who were trying to defend their country might still be alive, but I wouldn't have had half as much fun on Call of Duty over the years. Thank you Mikhail, sleep well.


A toilet that Adolf Hitler used to use has been found; in one of the only rooms where he didn't discriminate on who he made cough, splutter and choke for breath.

News for Dummies 13/01/14

A woman has been scammed of £200k over 56 years after routinely responding to spam letters with up to £100 a time with the hope of securing a car or cash prize that she’d been promised to have won; GOOD! Stupid people shouldn’t have money, I am more disillusioned by the fact this stupid cunt managed to procure the £200’000 pound that she wasted.  And judging by her photo she didn’t compromise her food budget. How do we live in a world were stupid people can be rich? He says while watching match of the day.

Nick Clegg is comparing the plans to only offer benefits for the first 2 children, to a communist rule. Is it communism if you don’t hand people free money for being irresponsible?  Your logic is lost on me Cleggles! If you can’t afford to dress or feed your own offspring please don’t have children until you can. Benefits should be reserved to support families who could afford to provide for their children’s needs when they made the decision but have had their circumstances changed (Job loss, divorce, death) not for unemployed fuckwits to pump out frogspawn to pay for their scratch-cards.

A man has been driving around Philadelphia with no trousers on, masturbating with slices of cheese… does this even need a punch line? Something about him being crackers? A pun about Wheels of cheese? A “Philadelphia man spreads his legs” style headline? Are these jokes grating on you yet?

Fuck it you’re already doubting the legitimacy of this story so here’s a photo of the mature gentleman churning himself…

"say cheese..."

Sylvester Stallone is angry that people only see him as a meat head; however this common observation may in fact be based on the high meat consistency of his head.

The French Prime minister’s wife has been admitted to hospital with depression; WHAT? She’s French and married to a politician, what has she possibly got to be depressed about!

The guy sat next to me on the train will be admitted to hospital with 3^rd degree Geordie fury If he doesn’t turn the keypad beeps off on his phone while he’s texting. Seriously dude, if you’re reading this over my shoulder the next few beeps better be you going into your settings and shutting that shit down otherwise you’re going to be front page of tomorrows newspapers and I’ll be writing a news for dummies quip about it from prison!

Kids TV show Teletubies is to be shown in North-Korea; The BBC say it is a good way to develop the understanding of the outside world in a closed society. As if the North-Korean people aren’t brainwashed enough without being led to believe Tinky Rinky, Ra Ra  and the rest of the terrytubbies are a representation of the western civilization..

Dr’s have said laughter can be perilous; inducing heart attacks, asthma attacks and dislocated jaws. So if you didn’t enjoy this blog, you’re welcome. To the rest of you wheezy, slack jaw motherfuckers; use the arm that doesn’t have pins and needles to put in a MRS Browns Boys DVD before the fire in your chest gets any hotter. Hopefully that will put you back to full health.

News for Dummies: 09/01/13

Every day this week the front page of the Scottish Papers (I live in Scotland) has been about dead children, which I won't make jokes about...

Although the page 3 girl is STILL always there, almost as if we've forgotten what we've just seen on the front page, are we that fickle? That our internal monologue is going "This is the saddest thing I've ever read, I'm having to distance myself from the tragedy because if I allow in too much compassion I'll cry in public *turns page* oooohhh booobies!!"

Courtney, 22, from Plymouth just stood there going "is this a good time? Should I put these away for now while we digest the loss of an infant?"


Energy firms are setting up a "999" style number in case you have a power cut; that's what it's come to. Reporting a fire, murder or heart attack has now been joined by "shit, I can't charge my phone"


Ex Gladiator "Tornado" has moved into Kelly Brook's house. Who now? Nobody knows which gladiator I'm talking about because he wasn't from the original series, now if Wolf (the Charles Manson of daytime television) moved into her house, that would be a story. I just can't wait for the pun-fest in the papers when they split up and "Tornado takes her house"


Thomas Hitzelperger is the first top flight football player to come out as gay; I personally think it's disgusting, that he considered Aston-Villa to be top flight.


Ex-top flight footballer and current Manchester United footballer Chris Smalling has been blasted for going to a fancy dress party as a suicide bomber; The farther of one of the 7/7 bombing victims said it's the most offensive thing he's ever seen. Why? Because it applies to him? If he lost a relative to a clown would he be offended by some-one else at the party?

I wish people would stop getting offended by things that are specific to them as if it's a personal assault, the world doesn't revolve around your situation. Laughing at jokes about epilepsy because no-one you know has the condition, then crying about a diabetes joke because your overweight dad lost a toe.

Just don't get offended, it's not always about you.

Way less offensive when it's a cat right?

Statistics reveal that out of last years intake of new teachers 56 of those have a criminal record; This is probably because smoking marijuana is still a crime (even though it's 2014... WTF) Show me one school teacher who doesn't smoke weed and I'll show you a school teacher that won't make it as far as the Easter holidays. Why do you think they confiscate it if they catch kids smoking.


An old dear called Jessie who has reached the ripe old age of 108 says the secret to her long life is eating salty porridge every day; paha... if that's what you want to call it Jessie, you call it that..... ay ladies!?



I might not be able to do a News for Dummies tomorrow morning as I'll be on BBC Radio Scotland, discussing the news of all things. Wish me luck in making that family friendly. 



BONUS PHOTO:

News for Dummies: 08/01/14

Boris Johnson last night called Nick Clegg a "Condom" who shields the PM when he makes unpopular decisions. The man's surname is "Johnson" a popular synonym for penis... does he subliminally want to be inside of Nick Clegg?

Maybe Boris misheard when he was told Nick Clegg helped David Cameron with his election.

 But he is kinda right, because condoms do notoriously spoil parties.

Clegg and Cameron don't always get along

Policeman Gavin Angus has been accused of groping 2 female officers at his force HQ; he's been arrested for perverting the court of justice.


A BBC worker has been jailed for 2 years for stealing tens of thousands from the Dr. Who budget (which explains a lot); I wonder if his jail cell looks bigger from the inside, his asshole soon will, because you know what happens to Dr. Who embezzlers in prison... actually nothing, nobody cares. They only get raped on forums.


Alex Salmond offered free meals to to children in their first 3 years of primary school; just what a country with a childhood obesity problem needs, free food.

on that note...

A Welsh scientist has announced that spoon feeding baby food to babies will make them overweight and picky eaters (Oxymoron-much?) in later life... I don't know what alternative she is suggesting, the way they do it in the Valley's? Catapult feeding them horse-shit!


The first Romanian to enter Britain under new EU laws has been arrested for beating up his girlfriend; it's good to see he's climatised  to our customs in just 1 week.


A robber in Edinburgh held up a Greggs bakery wielding an axe... non fiction... this is the world we live in... A man got out of bed in the morning, scratched his nuts, started making a bowl of honey nut loops then realised he had no milk and left the bowl of dry cereal on the bench. Sat down to the TV, got board of channel hopping, PICKED UP A MEDIEEEEVAL WEAPON, and threatened to split Janet's head in two like a fucking water mellon if she didn't give him a spicey meatball lattice and a peach melba. Guys, Quentin Tarantino didn't write this.... it happened down the road from my house, yesterday!


And thats the news, as you were.... NO WAIT, before you go back to work and/or wanking, hit share, it's just one click and I'm fucking needy.

News for Dummies: 07/01/14

SNP politician Nicola Sturgeon has urged non SNP backers to vote Yes for independence... I mean I don't know much (read the title of the blog) but isn't Scotland voting for independence a lot like the moody teenager who leaves their parents house because it will be so much cheaper and easier to live on their own? Then they find out the hard way while the parents miss the board but cherish the freedom.

Are they going to build an army? Or when the world runs out of fossil fuels and nations invade Scotland for their wind will they look to the UK for back up? When I moved out of my parents I still got them to do my laundry.

One of the arguments for independence is that Scotland have oil, brilliant, base a long term decision on a finite resource. It's 2014 why are we still trying to divide land into smaller segments?

But let's not forget that Scotland is awesome!

Angelina Jolie is set to play Nigella Lawson in a movie about her life; this is a perfect match up because Nigella has just divorced Charles Saatchi and Angelina has also just had a tit removed.


Charlie Sheen has married a Porn-Star, you don't marry a Porn-Star, who is going to walk them down the aisle? Ring bearer has a completely different meaning. Catching the bouquet means "you've caught ALL of the diseases." And when the seamstress asks if she wants a train ran, who invoices who?


Scientists have said sex is a form of exercise that can help battle obesity, but it doesn't take a scientist to work out that the obesity is the reason they're not getting laid in the first place.


Apparently Dappy from N-Dubz has a massive cock; this explains why there isn't enough blood in his head to function as a human.


A man got stuck in a washing machine and firemen had to rescue him; Darren (or Daz for short,) 30, was said to be in a spin. he was drained and delicate by the time the rescue team got there but is now in a stable condition, which softened the blow to his relatives, who say he needs to see a shrink.


Save your mates 40p from buying The Sun by sharing this more informed and free news publication, and if you're not done procrastinating at work, here's 24 more reasons why Scotland is awesome: 

http://imgur.com/a/Cfwm6

News for Dummies: 06/01/14

A woman gave birth to a child into the leg of her onesie, the story isn't that there was a baby in a onesie, it's that there was an adult... In a onesie. The placenta even belonged in that onsie more than an adult who is capable of making life decisions and dressing themselves. 

She claims the onesie saved the baby's life because it stopped the baby dropping onto the floor. News flash, the top half of the onsie was totally redundant in this situation, you could have saved the baby AND your dignity with a pair of pyjamas. 

Ed Miliband has vowed to close a loophole that allows companies to employ foreign workers for a cheaper wage. First up Edward. You're not in charge, stop making vows. You don't see me going around making sensationalistic vows from my armchair to a country that I don't run. I vow to ban the onesie and legalise cannabis... Looky here Ed, the worlds a better place in imagination land. Second up, if a foreigner can do the same job as someone, in their second language, for cheaper... They deserve the job. Shit vow Ed. 

America has offered to support Iraq with their war against Al-Qaeda but refuse to send in any troops....            ....              

                   ..... No matter how long I pause this doesn't sink in.

What are they offering? Encouragement? Just gonna rock up at your local sports bar and shout at the TV are you America? Wave an Iraqi flag and blast a klaxon? 

"Give me an I..."

A male teacher fled to France with one of his teenage female pupils. She learnt more about maths than languages on the trip when he showed her how many times 31 goes into 15. 

An American man blew up his dog with explosives because he claimed it was possessed by the devil... yup, that was the anti-Christ's evil scheme to bring hell on earth, to enthral a red neck's Labrador, glad you foiled that cunning plan Jim-Bob, our souls are safe from the underworld for yet another millennia. I can't believe this wasn't front page, we're being very nonchalant about this borderline eternal damnation of humanity. 

A Nigerian drug-baron living in Britain won't be deported because he's a good dad. It makes you think Sadam Husain could have avoided the noose if he just took his kids to flamingo land once in a while. Gary Glitter might even have got off with his charges if he just reached out and touched his children...