News for Dummies: 06/01/14

A woman gave birth to a child into the leg of her onesie, the story isn't that there was a baby in a onesie, it's that there was an adult... In a onesie. The placenta even belonged in that onsie more than an adult who is capable of making life decisions and dressing themselves. 

She claims the onesie saved the baby's life because it stopped the baby dropping onto the floor. News flash, the top half of the onsie was totally redundant in this situation, you could have saved the baby AND your dignity with a pair of pyjamas. 

Ed Miliband has vowed to close a loophole that allows companies to employ foreign workers for a cheaper wage. First up Edward. You're not in charge, stop making vows. You don't see me going around making sensationalistic vows from my armchair to a country that I don't run. I vow to ban the onesie and legalise cannabis... Looky here Ed, the worlds a better place in imagination land. Second up, if a foreigner can do the same job as someone, in their second language, for cheaper... They deserve the job. Shit vow Ed. 

America has offered to support Iraq with their war against Al-Qaeda but refuse to send in any troops....            ....              

                   ..... No matter how long I pause this doesn't sink in.

What are they offering? Encouragement? Just gonna rock up at your local sports bar and shout at the TV are you America? Wave an Iraqi flag and blast a klaxon? 

"Give me an I..."

A male teacher fled to France with one of his teenage female pupils. She learnt more about maths than languages on the trip when he showed her how many times 31 goes into 15. 

An American man blew up his dog with explosives because he claimed it was possessed by the devil... yup, that was the anti-Christ's evil scheme to bring hell on earth, to enthral a red neck's Labrador, glad you foiled that cunning plan Jim-Bob, our souls are safe from the underworld for yet another millennia. I can't believe this wasn't front page, we're being very nonchalant about this borderline eternal damnation of humanity. 

A Nigerian drug-baron living in Britain won't be deported because he's a good dad. It makes you think Sadam Husain could have avoided the noose if he just took his kids to flamingo land once in a while. Gary Glitter might even have got off with his charges if he just reached out and touched his children...