News for Dummies: 23/01/14

An abandoned "ghost" ship that has been floating around the Atlantic for 12 months is headed towards Scottish shores; when the haunting pale figures are spotted on the Scottish coast, the ghosts might change their mind and turn the ship around.


A weird fan gave Andy Murray a pair of miniature underpants as a gift; Sabotage; how are you supposed to win at tennis if your balls are always out?


Convicts are expected to work in call centres which are opening inside of the jails; talk about salt in the wound, not only do they have their freedom revoked but they've had their time slowed down to a halt by a clock watching shift listening to middle class people asking for more data on their iPhone contract, requesting holiday insurance for the Caribbean and complaining Sky Multi-room isn't working in their summer house.

Even more salt in the wound for you people that work in a call centre and your job has officially been deemed as punishment for a rapist.

I've got some friends that used to work in call centres and they talk like ex-convicts; "I'm not going back in their, I've seen some things, names would flash up on the screens that I couldn't pronounce, you start using your phone voice in regular conversation, we'd sometimes be forced into novelty themed days dressing up in 70's or bad taste while the screws turned their backs, it was hell I tell you, I'm not going back!"


Central heating is responsible for people putting on weight as mild cold forces you to burn calories to stay warm; this explains why fat people are always sweaty.

A judge ruled yesterday that a devout muslim women must remove her face veil if she gives evidence in court; next he'll be saying she has to do take it off at the police line up!!

A motorist is facing prosecution after repeatedly drenching school kids by driving fast through near-by puddles; HA! I think I'll leave you with that image. Why is it making you smile?? You're a bad person!

News for Dummies: 22/01/14

The wife of billionaire Chelsea owner Roman Abromovich has been called racist after posing for a photo-shoot sitting on a chair shaped like a naked black woman;  At first I agreed with the media propaganda but I’ve discovered the chair is based on a 60’s original of a white woman, that has existed for 54 years without anyone claiming it was racist…. White is a race right? Is white a race?? Wouldn’t it be racist if we didn’t offer the chair in all colours without discrimination? If anything it’s sexist that there isn’t a male one, but since her husband is a Chairman I’ll let her off.

The cousin of pop-star Adele has emerged on TV karaoke show “The Voice” she said she has Adele’s genes, unless she said she has Adele’s jeans, in which case she should go on Britain’s Got Talent and catch cream pies in her waist band instead of singing.

Microsoft boss Bill Gates reckons there will be no poor countries by 2035; which must be worrying for him because the minute people have money they waste it on apple products.

Campaigners are campaigning (it’s what they do) to ban a Doll that refuses to eat, as it sends children the wrong message and promotes anorexia; When I was a boy I had He-Man dolls, we called them “figurines” because it was gay for boys to have dolls (and we disapproved of that in the 80’s apparently) however these “dolls” were homo-erotic, muscle-bound men wearing nothing but underpants, these dolls had a lever on their back so you could punch other muscular handsome dolls in the face (It was a very confusing message we were receiving)  And I didn’t grow up messed up! Right!?

If your child grows up anorexic because of a doll, congratulations you're a terrible parent. You failed to teach them the difference between the real world and the plastic one.

Students at Newcastle University will get lessons in the Geordie dialect before they start their study; but ah divvent knaa if the need te dee this cos wor accent is nee bother te get ya heed rund. Reet?

Click here for a Geordie translator and have fun for hours (minutes)

£6000 worth of Viagra has been stolen from an MoD site; Police are currently searching for hardened criminals

A 17 year old lad has been arrested for shooting primary school children with a BB gun… I really, really, really, like REALY…. Shouldn’t find this funny. I’m off to have a word with myself.

No Bill... it's not all about you.

News for Dummies: 21/01/14

People are encouraged to have sex more as a way to work out; Not that 70 seconds of grunting will get you into shape, just nothing burns calories like running around after a toddler for 5 years.

How to use duck-tape on a split condom

David Cameron is under pressure to explain why 6 terror suspects will soon be free to roam the UK; It’s probably a lot to do with the word “suspect” and a little thing called human rights. You can’t just go around punishing people for being suspicious. I would get thrown out of every supermarket I’ve ever walked in.

However, if we did punish people for being suspicious we would have caught Savile way before he groped his way though a hospice. A justice system based on assumptions might be the way forward, right, lets lock up everyone that sports a moustache outside the month of November.

A barman put Tony Blair under citizen’s arrest for war crimes he committed in Iraq; What a legend. I forgot about citizen’s arrest, I’ve just woke up my flat-mate and arrested him on “suspicion” of being a twat. 

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has sparked uproar by suggesting Men are more valuable to firms than Mothers; now I’m the first one to suggest the gelding of anyone UKIP, I’d even wield the knife to see the halt of their DNA… However, no matter how much of a cheb-end you are, you shouldn’t cause uproar for spitting the truth. Of course pregnant women deserve all the support they get from their employer, but it’s not controversial to suggest the man who doesn’t get pregnant has an advantage on being more productive for the company. Now please don’t get hormonal, I’m just stating the obvious.

A Nana delivered her own grandchild in the back of a car in Lincolnshire; while dropping her daughter off at work

The father of Prince Harry’s girlfriend Cressida Bonas, has been found dead in a suspected suicide; the only thing that leads them to suspect it's a suicide is that his daughter was fucking a ginger bloke.

Four women were gassed to death by a batch of rotting potatoes in a barn; I guess they just had their chips.

News for Dummies: 20/01/14

UKIP Councillor David Silvester claims the recent storms and floods are gods work due to the legalisation of Gay marriage; oh is that right David? Well would you like to explain to me why I’m looking at a clear sky on a mild day in the wake of a horrific tragedy where a toddler was murdered? It sounds to me like your god is a fucking cunt.

The bible doesn't even say to stop gay marriage, it says gay people should be killed (Leviticus 20:13) So David, unless you are willing to do that then stop using the bible to justify your discrimination because you aren't even following it.

"I just can't wait to be queen"

Mohammad Al Fayed is going to give Scotland an 8ft Statue of Liberty if they gain independence; just for anyone who want’s to know what the green lady would look like with a traffic cone on her head.

Fife has already been embracing the Manhattan look for years by replicating ground zero in many of their estates.

Denis Rodman has checked into rehab for alcohol addiction after having a controversial rant on TV in North Korea; now I’ve done some crazy shit while I’ve been drunk but never have I woke up in a communist country having befriended its evil dictator and spouted support of his regime to millions, now that’s what I call a session. LAD!

Corrie’s Kevin Webster (Michael Le Velle) is returning to The Street after being cleared of charges for sexually assaulting a girl. The on screen mechanic says he can’t wait to get his hands dirty again under a 9 year old Beatle’s bonnet.

Prices of Take Away meals are set to shoot up after floods devastated rice crops; but that’s all part of gods divine plan remember, when you’re sat there eating Pizza instead of a Curry, that is all because society allows gay people to openly love each other…. He really showed us this time with his mysterious ways.

News for Dummies: 16/01/14

Police have DNA tested a murder victims pet dog; and results have proven that it is in fact Jeremy Kyle’s real dad

Susan Boyle lived her dream and played the bag-pipes yesterday; we think she played the bag-pipes, she might have just been armpit-farting

Boyle in the bag, piping hot.

Scientists are hoping to discover why people binge on certain foods and not others; listen close, science… it’s because Ben and Jerry’s Cookie dough is tastier than sprouts. It’s that simple. Now get to work on jet-packs and stop wasting my short time on this planet. We need jet-packs.

A professor broke the world record for the longest echo, lasting 112 seconds; but his record set by using a controlled explosion in a long tunnel was soon thwarted by Susan Boyle armpit-farting in an open space.

There is an international police chase for a teenage couple who bunked school to fly to Jamaica together because they were sick of the rain; Why are the police being such cock-blocking cunts? Just because a schoolboy has achieved the escapism we save up all year to hopefully achieve. I hope he pleads guilty to having the balls to do what he wants to do in a world that tries so incredibly hard to dictate your actions. We should all follow in this boys footsteps and take a teenage girl to the Caribbean.

Police are questioning a murder suspect who starred in the TV show Midsummer Murders; the accused has discovered that murdering in late winter is a different kettle of fish.

Do people even say “kettle of fish?” is that Geordie saying? Did I just make it up? The more I read it the less it makes sense… answers on a Post card to

PO Box 8008135

DVLA

Swansea

Thieves tried to steal the cunt… I mean steal the sex…. I mean jizz….

Start again: Thieves tried to steal the urn that contained the ashes of Sigmund Freud; they severely damaged the urn when they dropped it… ha, they dropped it… now that’s what I call a Sigmundean slip…ey?…. I FORGOT HOW TO PUN!

News for Dummies: 15/01/14

One Direction's Liam Payne has been bollocked by his management after being photographed balancing on the 34th floor ledge ledge of a building. His agent reportedly said to Liam "what do you think you're doing risking your life? Do you think the list of musicians who died young... Jimmy Hendrix, Tupac Shakur, Amy Whinehouse, Kurt Cobain, Otis Reading, Buddy fucking Holly... would look right with the name LIAM PAYNE on it? How dare you threaten to taint that list. You boys have to live forever."


Rolf Harris had 12 charges of sexual assault put to him as he stood in court yesterday; so if that's how many people he assaulted just while he stood in court, the grand total must be millions.


Kanye west punched an 18 year old boy on the arm for verbally abusing his vapid attention whore, Kim Kardashian; Just going around punching people in the arm are you Kanye? Classic arm punch? That'll teach him. You should try this combo "Arm Punch, Slap to the face, Yell 'Stop it', Tell their dad"

You're meant to be a rapper, if someone abused DMX or Ice Cube's wife they'd end up being a statistic. Never mind going around punching people in the arm.


Justin Bieber got arrested last night for criminal damages after throwing Eggs at his Neighbours house; today's news just seems to be fake musicians attention seeking to shamelessly extend their meagre shelf life, I mean Rolf took the attention seeking a bit far, but at least molesting people is more rock and roll than throwing eggs.


Ken Barlow is denying charges of sexual assault but I think this photo says it all:

"please.... no...."

150 Police raided 15 Sauna's across Edinburgh in a sting on illegal sex trade; that's 10 policemen to each Sauna, 20 if you count the ones that were of duty and already in there. They weren't even raids in the end, they just turned into staff nights out.

Banana's are bad for monkeys; this changes everything... my whole life has been a lie; whet next, ducks don't like bread? hay is bad for horses? Women don't like being pissed on? I don't know what is real anymore.

News for Dummies 14/01/14

72% of Brits believe if they are suffering from a terminal illness they should be able to go the same way as Hayley Cropper in Coronation Street; the other 28% think having a sex change on your death bed is a waste of NHS funding.


It has been revealed that if Scotland gain independence then the rest of the UK will be left with the national debt. It's more like a divorce than a referendum. Will we need to send all of our kids up to Scotland too? Will they get all of the UK's cars?

Most/All of the Scottish people I've spoken to don't want independence from the UK, I think if Alex Salmond wants independence so bad let him have it. Section off a portion of the highlands, revoke his National Insurance number, and just throw him in the woods. Enjoy your independence Alex.


A stalker has been jailed after he followed his victim all the way to Turkey to deliver her a peanut; And let's face it, no-one trusts a lone peanut, even if one of my loved ones offered me a random lone Peanut I'd be dubious. I bet she stood there in Marmaris faced with this weird-o going "Aye right, I bet you found it down the back of the couch, I'm not falling for that!"



Who delivers a peanut....

A 27 year old brunette in Glasgow revealed that she's been living a double life, being an Escort and meeting clients in The Hilton while holding down a day-job as a recruitment worker. Hold on a second here. My girlfriend lives in Glasgow... And is Brunette... And works in Recruitment... FOR THE HILTON... oh wait. She's 28... If I find out the fucking whore has been lying to me about her age there's going to be hell on!

Hi Natalie, Love you, if all this is true invoice my agent.


A 50 year old man went sleep-walking to the shops in his Pyjama's; but what's the excuse of every 20 year old woman in Liverpool.


Mikhail Kalashnikov, the inventor of the AK-47, announced on his deathbed that he felt guilty; don't feel guilty Mikhail, if it wasn't for you working out a way to make hot lead break the sound barrier, millions of people who were trying to defend their country might still be alive, but I wouldn't have had half as much fun on Call of Duty over the years. Thank you Mikhail, sleep well.


A toilet that Adolf Hitler used to use has been found; in one of the only rooms where he didn't discriminate on who he made cough, splutter and choke for breath.