Monday, 7 April 2014

Hiccups for Dummies

The other night my friend almost had her night ruined by a dose of the Hiccups, luckily there are several methods to get rid of them and everyone will give you their own expert method of eluding the (not so) deadly spasms, so just in case you find yourself victim to these unwelcome involuntary convolutions, here is a handy list of ways to dispel yourself of the hiccups:

1: Hold your breath until you pass out, if you wake up and still have the hiccups, repeat process

2: Put your fingers up your nose, in your ears, in your eyes and up your bum, then drink a pint of milk (you may need to borrow some fingers and some milk)

3: Frighten yourself, no-one expects their first hiccup so that in itself should give you a fright meaning you should, in theory, only ever hiccup once

4: Stand on your head and clap your feet whilst armpit farting and recite the alphabet backwards, then forwards, then randomly.

5: Remove the shoelace from your left shoe, wrap it around your right ear then ask the postman for the time, when he gives you the time you must immediately turn and sprint until you are out of his view or out of breath. 
CAUTION: This method usually costs you your left shoe

6: Text your ex then immediately text them again saying that it wasn't meant for them, if this still hasn't worked, leave them an answer phone message apologising

7: Rummage through public garbage bins until you find a tampon 

8: Completely blank the next person that tries to talk to you, wait until they start getting annoyed and confused then take a selfie of the pair of you, post it on twitter with them @'d in and # tag it WHATACUNT then without breaking eye contact with them spit in your own hand, slap yourself in the face and walk away.

9: Put your dads balls in your mouth and hum the tune from Heartbeat (anyones dad will do but it has to be the tune from Heartbeat) If you hiccup on his balls you have to start the tune from scratch

10: Flashmob a mosque

Hope this helps guys!

Just because every blog needs a photo...

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Home-made Religion

Could how you live affect how you die?

I’ve always been standoffish with religion, believing we’re too insignificant to ever know what is going on, I even find it arrogant that people think they sincerely know the answers. “There’s a god who made people and if you sin he punishes you…” BULSHIT you don’t know that. “You can’t eat pigs or you go to hell…” Hmmm, silly rule based on nothing. It’s all an assumption based on some-one else’s assumption based on someone else’s assumption dating back to when people were more ignorant than we are now, if you believe that’s possible. But every religion is preached with imperious conviction rather than admitting, “I don’t know, but I think it’s this…” I say if you want to have faith in something, don’t subscribe to something that’s already out there, make up your own beliefs.

When I die I think I’m going to be presented with an interface that gives me all the statistics of my life and provides me with action replays from any moment, synthesizing the happiness achieved by watching all the fun I had, feeling the love by watching toddler-Kai playing in the garden with his granddad on a summers day. This is an afterlife I’d be happy with and it inspires me to do more cool shit while I’m alive so I can relive it over and over. Of course this isn’t what I truly believe is going to happen, but if I’m going to make something up (like all religions are) I might as well fabricate something quality.

However. What I truly believe is this:
You may or may not know that we all trip balls off a potent hallucinogen called “Dmethyltryptamine” (DMT) every night when we sleep, it’s secreted from a gland in our brain, it’s what makes us dream. Now you can smoke this shit too, or ingest it orally, and people who have had waking DMT trips have had vivid psychedelic, spiritual experiences. Picture a dream that you are entirely aware of, as much as you are aware of reality right now. When you come back from these experiences you feel like you’ve been on a journey into your mind for hours and hours but in the physical realm the clock has only moved several minutes. Here’s the kicker, when you die, just before you die, the pineal gland (the third eye) in your brain has a massive dump of DMT flooding your brain with this drug.

So. My theory is that in this moment you have an uber lucid spiritual trip into your own mind that lasts for what feels like eternity (at the same time as your final meagre seconds in the physical realm come to an end) and what happens in this suspended infinity that you are held in largely depends on how you’ve lived your life; how at peace (or at war) you are with yourself in your final moments. If you’ve been kind, compassionate, loving, loved, moral, HAPPY; this is probably going to be a favourable existence, where your imagination will conjure the very images and feeling of people and friendships and experiences that have flavoured your life. You’ll be in your very own heaven. On the flip side, if you’re a cunt, a spiteful, jealous, insincere, hateful, miserable fuck-up. The debauched conscience and deep-rooted anxieties that come as a by-product of doing the wrong thing and being a BAD PERSON as a way of life will be there with you in the tomb of your infinity. It will be a haunting , torrid, nightmare of a DMT trip. Fire and Brimstones.

Now I’m not a real scientist, and I’m basing my suggestion on documentaries I’ve watched and articles I’ve seen. This is no different to a vicar suggesting (declaring) that Christianity is the truth just because they’ve read a book. The irony of my theory being that if you go to church and truly believe in your religion, chances are when you have your DMT trip you will see Jesus in your minds eye, and there will be pearly gates. Because it’s your heaven. I’m personally going to dream about statistics and replays, and probably Game of Thrones.

Just an idea for you to ponder over on a Wednesday afternoon.

Monday, 3 February 2014

News for Dummies 03/02/14

Philip Seymour Hoffman has died age 46; you all know this because you saw it on Facebook, you also had to Google his name and check IMDB to familiarise yourself with his body of work before passing on the tragic news via Facebook yourself, it's incredible how we all just patted ourselves on the back for feeling sad about the tragic loss of one of hollywoods great extra's, let's face it, non of you have a Philip Seymour Hoffman poster up on your bedroom wall or his calendar up in the kitchen. Theres being respectful and there's being down right self righteous. (this is neither)

David Beckham has announced that he relaxes by playing with Lego; One time he was putting a rod through the hole in one of the bricks to attach a tyre when he realised the rod was in fact his wife…. I'm kidding, David clearly plays with Duplo not Techincs.

Half of Brits have turned a blind eye after witnessing a mugging or robbery; the other half phone the police who then turn a blind eye.

Scientists claim obesity can only be fought by regulating the fast food industry; No. Obesity can be fought by the same thing that made you become a scientist. Bullying.

A group of 178 people broke a world record for the most people to dunk toast into soft boiled eggs at the same time; the record was held by Margaret Thatcher who dunked a load of soldiers who were retreating to Argentina in the Falkland war.

British kids as young as 12 are being diagnosed with sexually transmitted diseases; I'm assuming they are catching them from each other and not the church, if so, times have changed, when I was that age the only prick the girls were taking was their BCG.

A female zookeeper is under investigation after claiming she's thought about having sex with a Chimp that gets aroused when she touches him; (I didn't even know Coleen Rooney was a zookeeper.) Animal rights activist have got involved, how rank must this woman be if fucking her is cruelty to animals??

Thursday, 23 January 2014

News for Dummies: 23/01/14

An abandoned "ghost" ship that has been floating around the Atlantic for 12 months is headed towards Scottish shores; when the haunting pale figures are spotted on the Scottish coast, the ghosts might change their mind and turn the ship around.

A weird fan gave Andy Murray a pair of miniature underpants as a gift; Sabotage; how are you supposed to win at tennis if your balls are always out?

Convicts are expected to work in call centres which are opening inside of the jails; talk about salt in the wound, not only do they have their freedom revoked but they've had their time slowed down to a halt by a clock watching shift listening to middle class people asking for more data on their iPhone contract, requesting holiday insurance for the Caribbean and complaining Sky Multi-room isn't working in their summer house.

Even more salt in the wound for you people that work in a call centre and your job has officially been deemed as punishment for a rapist.

I've got some friends that used to work in call centres and they talk like ex-convicts; "I'm not going back in their, I've seen some things, names would flash up on the screens that I couldn't pronounce, you start using your phone voice in regular conversation, we'd sometimes be forced into novelty themed days dressing up in 70's or bad taste while the screws turned their backs, it was hell I tell you, I'm not going back!"

Central heating is responsible for people putting on weight as mild cold forces you to burn calories to stay warm; this explains why fat people are always sweaty.

A judge ruled yesterday that a devout muslim women must remove her face veil if she gives evidence in court; next he'll be saying she has to do take it off at the police line up!!

A motorist is facing prosecution after repeatedly drenching school kids by driving fast through near-by puddles; HA! I think I'll leave you with that image. Why is it making you smile?? You're a bad person!

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

News for Dummies: 22/01/14

The wife of billionaire Chelsea owner Roman Abromovich has been called racist after posing for a photo-shoot sitting on a chair shaped like a naked black woman;  At first I agreed with the media propaganda but I’ve discovered the chair is based on a 60’s original of a white woman, that has existed for 54 years without anyone claiming it was racist…. White is a race right? Is white a race?? Wouldn’t it be racist if we didn’t offer the chair in all colours without discrimination? If anything it’s sexist that there isn’t a male one, but since her husband is a Chairman I’ll let her off.

The cousin of pop-star Adele has emerged on TV karaoke show “The Voice” she said she has Adele’s genes, unless she said she has Adele’s jeans, in which case she should go on Britain’s Got Talent and catch cream pies in her waist band instead of singing.

Microsoft boss Bill Gates reckons there will be no poor countries by 2035; which must be worrying for him because the minute people have money they waste it on apple products.

Campaigners are campaigning (it’s what they do) to ban a Doll that refuses to eat, as it sends children the wrong message and promotes anorexia; When I was a boy I had He-Man dolls, we called them “figurines” because it was gay for boys to have dolls (and we disapproved of that in the 80’s apparently) however these “dolls” were homo-erotic, muscle-bound men wearing nothing but underpants, these dolls had a lever on their back so you could punch other muscular handsome dolls in the face (It was a very confusing message we were receiving)  And I didn’t grow up messed up! Right!?

If your child grows up anorexic because of a doll, congratulations you're a terrible parent. You failed to teach them the difference between the real world and the plastic one.

Students at Newcastle University will get lessons in the Geordie dialect before they start their study; but ah divvent knaa if the need te dee this cos wor accent is nee bother te get ya heed rund. Reet?

Click here for a Geordie translator and have fun for hours (minutes)

£6000 worth of Viagra has been stolen from an MoD site; Police are currently searching for hardened criminals

A 17 year old lad has been arrested for shooting primary school children with a BB gun… I really, really, really, like REALY…. Shouldn’t find this funny. I’m off to have a word with myself.

No Bill... it's not all about you.

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

News for Dummies: 21/01/14

People are encouraged to have sex more as a way to work out; Not that 70 seconds of grunting will get you into shape, just nothing burns calories like running around after a toddler for 5 years.

How to use duck-tape on a split condom

David Cameron is under pressure to explain why 6 terror suspects will soon be free to roam the UK; It’s probably a lot to do with the word “suspect” and a little thing called human rights. You can’t just go around punishing people for being suspicious. I would get thrown out of every supermarket I’ve ever walked in.

However, if we did punish people for being suspicious we would have caught Savile way before he groped his way though a hospice. A justice system based on assumptions might be the way forward, right, lets lock up everyone that sports a moustache outside the month of November.

A barman put Tony Blair under citizen’s arrest for war crimes he committed in Iraq; What a legend. I forgot about citizen’s arrest, I’ve just woke up my flat-mate and arrested him on “suspicion” of being a twat. 

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has sparked uproar by suggesting Men are more valuable to firms than Mothers; now I’m the first one to suggest the gelding of anyone UKIP, I’d even wield the knife to see the halt of their DNA… However, no matter how much of a cheb-end you are, you shouldn’t cause uproar for spitting the truth. Of course pregnant women deserve all the support they get from their employer, but it’s not controversial to suggest the man who doesn’t get pregnant has an advantage on being more productive for the company. Now please don’t get hormonal, I’m just stating the obvious.

A Nana delivered her own grandchild in the back of a car in Lincolnshire; while dropping her daughter off at work

The father of Prince Harry’s girlfriend Cressida Bonas, has been found dead in a suspected suicide; the only thing that leads them to suspect it's a suicide is that his daughter was fucking a ginger bloke.

Four women were gassed to death by a batch of rotting potatoes in a barn; I guess they just had their chips.

Monday, 20 January 2014

News for Dummies: 20/01/14

UKIP Councillor David Silvester claims the recent storms and floods are gods work due to the legalisation of Gay marriage; oh is that right David? Well would you like to explain to me why I’m looking at a clear sky on a mild day in the wake of a horrific tragedy where a toddler was murdered? It sounds to me like your god is a fucking cunt.

The bible doesn't even say to stop gay marriage, it says gay people should be killed (Leviticus 20:13) So David, unless you are willing to do that then stop using the bible to justify your discrimination because you aren't even following it.

"I just can't wait to be queen"

Mohammad Al Fayed is going to give Scotland an 8ft Statue of Liberty if they gain independence; just for anyone who want’s to know what the green lady would look like with a traffic cone on her head.

Fife has already been embracing the Manhattan look for years by replicating ground zero in many of their estates.

Denis Rodman has checked into rehab for alcohol addiction after having a controversial rant on TV in North Korea; now I’ve done some crazy shit while I’ve been drunk but never have I woke up in a communist country having befriended its evil dictator and spouted support of his regime to millions, now that’s what I call a session. LAD!

Corrie’s Kevin Webster (Michael Le Velle) is returning to The Street after being cleared of charges for sexually assaulting a girl. The on screen mechanic says he can’t wait to get his hands dirty again under a 9 year old Beatle’s bonnet.

Prices of Take Away meals are set to shoot up after floods devastated rice crops; but that’s all part of gods divine plan remember, when you’re sat there eating Pizza instead of a Curry, that is all because society allows gay people to openly love each other…. He really showed us this time with his mysterious ways.