Tuesday, 2 September 2014

News for Dummies: 02/09/14

A 23 year old British rapper L-Jinny, dubbed 'Jihadist John' has been pulled from the US music festival at Coechella because he was named a terrorist suspect; it turns out it's only ok to rap about being 'the bomb' if you use it as a metaphor for your success. 

I'm in Scotland, all the talk in the news is about the referendum; it's like being at your mate's house while he argues with his wife, both sides are arguing some utter shit but you don't want to step in with your logical opinion or you'll get your head bitten off by both of them. It's especially awkward because your mate's wife is arguing about the fact she doesn't want him hanging out with you any more, and she kind of has a point but her aggressive temperament and inability to rationalise is making her sound like a maniac. 

A bridesmaid at a Durham wedding upstaged the bride yesterday by having a baby at the ceremony; basically she realised there was free booze at the party and you can't drink when you're pregnant, so she got it out of the way. Proper Geordie lass!

It was transfer deadline day yesterday; but as I mentioned, I'm in Scotland, there isn't much movement up here, you'll hardly get a player moving from Aberdeen to Falkirk otherwise he'll have himself a daily 3 hour commute for his milk round. 

X-Factor is back on TV!!!!!!! ....or for an alternative live experience why don't you drive to your nearest special needs school and laugh patronisingly through the fence at the poor children with learning difficulties until you feel better about your own existence?

Diego Maradona met the pope yesterday as fans flocked to see them; I wonder why Maradona was at The Vatican? Maybe he got the memo that it's the place men go who put their hand where it shouldn't be. 

A man was found dead in a DIY shop last night in Chesterfield; I bet it was suicide! 

And Finally... Naked photo's have been leaked of celebrities who have had their phones hacked and their privacy compromised, now I'm not saying I'm famous but I opened my twitter last night to discover this:

Wednesday, 4 June 2014

News for Dummies 04/06/14

Harry Styles wowed One Direction fans last nigh by showing up to dance along side his boyband despite having the sniffles and being unable to sing; what a hero coming out and doing some little dance moves when he's poorly, meanwhile on the M6 a bloke called Geoff laid tarmac on a 12 hour night shift in the rain with the exact same condition because phoning in sick would have put him on statutory sick pay and he would have failed to meet his mortgage payment. However this wasn't front page news due to Harry's heroics popping shapes. 

David Hasselhoff took a stab at welsh people saying they're all hobbits; Next week on "80's American hasbeens with acid damage fucking with the welsh for no apparent reason" B.A Baracus says Gavin and Stacie is whack, while Tom Sellick throws a Catatonia cd out his car window 

A make-up company called "Hard Candy" is suing Madona for stealing their name for her new brand of work-out DVD's; I don't see why either want to name their company after a movie about child abuse, this is like a postal fim and a private midwife arguing over who calls their company "Deliverence" 

A 4 year old boy was rushed into hospital yesterday after finding his parents drug stash and taking an ecstasy pill; the alarm was raised when the boy was found dancing to the Hoover and telling his pet hamster how much he fucking loved it. 

According to a study husbands who make less money than their wives have better sex lives; this is because it's easier to cheat when your wife is always at work

A man spent £2k buying packets of stickers in order to complete his FIFA 14 World Cup sticker album; it's safe to assume the bloke was ginger, judging by the fact he had a ton of swapsies but no friends to trade with. 

Something about Justin Bieber making a cunt of himself....

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

News for Dummies 03/06/14

The host of a the mutton dressed as lamb awards... I mean the annual hair and beauty awards, Ruthanne Ried, head-butted 57 year old guest, Kerryanne Campbell, last night in Glasgow; however the 'Glasgow kiss' is a sign of affection in those parts and the OAP was grateful for the make-over. Nothing says 'successfull party' in Glasgow like a pensioner getting an exfoliated forehead to the face. Celebrity guest and TOWIE vacuum Mark Wright told The Sun newspaper "I haven't stopped masturbating" 

Police have started digging up wasteland close to where Madeline McCann disappeared after following new leads in the investigation; fact is there are no new leads, just Kate and Gerry need new material so they can write another book to cash in on their murder. 

The NHS has been blasted because patients aren't being treated within their guaranteed wait time; I hate that every time the NHS gets blasted pretentious wanks pipe up saying 'well if you've got a problem with the NHS why don't you move to America where they have to pay for health care!?' That's not how it works, if I thought Britain had a drug problem I wouldn't move to Columbia to gain some perspective, when we're all struggling in an economic recession the answer isn't moving to fucking Zimbabwe. If your spinal injury is worsiening to the point of irreparable because your free healthcare is actually a non existent false promise, aren't we in a position to make some noise about it?

The Queen has denied rumours that she might step down, at the ripe old age off 88 her majesty doesn't want to drift into obscurity in her latter years denying her adoring nation an imminent bank holiday. 

The new IOS software update for the iPhone has an app that gives health advice; I hope the health advice just says "You don't have fucking insomnia you attention seeking fuck so don't even think about posting it on Facebook, how do you expect to get some shut-eye when you spend your first hour in bed with a million terrawatts of iPhone brightness emitting into your retinas disrupting the chemicals in your brain to think it's daylight, put your phone down and go to fucking sleep"

A pair of pranksters staged a brutal axe murder as the google street view car passed by which had users off the website convinced enough to call the police, and to conclude today's blog here it is along side some of the best street view pranks I could find on the Internet...

And my personal favourite....

Bonus pictures, these aren't pranks... Just fucked up:

Monday, 2 June 2014

News for Dummies 02/06/14

A car crash at a Rally wiped out spectators killing 3 onlookers; the driver of the vehicle was said to be in bits over the accident, not in as many bits as the poor fuckers he took out at 100mph. A witness said it was like a bowling ball hitting pins (lucky someone was at hand to provide analogies) the  witness also gave an artists impression of his account...

Kids as young as 6 feature in police stop and search figures; the police deserve a medel of bravery for delving into the pockets of 6 year olds, one officer found a child concealing a half chewed custard cream, a crisp packet full of dog poo and a dead bird. 

Rally tragedy analogy guy says: "Searching a 6 year old is like doing a bush-tucker trial"

Lilly Allan has claimed she would go gay for Beyoncé, Jay-Z responded by saying he wouldn't go gay for Lilly Allen. 

Rally tragedy analogy guys says: "Lilly Allen going gay for Beyoncé is like is like Stephen Hawking saying he'd take up football if he could play for Real Madrid"

Former member of boy band JLS has just found out he's going to be a dad; best take these off the shelf then shall we?

Rally tragedy analogy guys says: "A JLS boy band member getting someone pregnant is like coming out as straight"

It's still in the news that Jordan is breaking up from her latest fiancé/husband/boyfriend/who gives a fuck!? If I went to buy a car and it had 17 previous owners it'd be safe to assume there was something wrong with the car. 

Rally tragedy analogy guy says "splitting up with Jordan is like seeing the picture of a Big Mac on the boards, realising the actual burger is nothing like the picture, then deciding you're not hungry"

Two friends failed to paddle 3 miles to the Isle of White in a boat made of ice because it melted. I wonder if they wore life jackets made of bricks and expected them not to sink, over to you rally tragedy analogy guy...

Rally tragedy analogy guy says: "thanks Kai, building a boat out of ice and expecting it not to melt is like building a fucking boat out of fucking ice and expecting it not to fucking melt...what a pair of assholes"

Calm down rally tragedy analogy guy, geeez. 

Friday, 30 May 2014

New for Dummies 30/05/14

Correspondence between George Dubya Bush and Tony Blair from the Iraq war will not be published; this is less to do with the fact they broke the Geneva Convention™ and more to do with the fact they couldn't find anyone willing to check G-Dub's spelling in the edit. 

Ok. Ok... rich coming from me (re: my spelling, not my reckless disregard of the Geneva Convention™) 

OMG Stop the press!! Kate and William went whisky tasting, they put whisky in their mouths tasted it, made a face, then offered an opinion. World news mother fuckers, cutting edge journalism here at the N4D headquarters. Tune in next week for more media misadventures of our mischievous monarchists, like riding a tandem bicycle and feeding a bottle of milk to an orphaned lamb. 

When Rolph Harassment's daughter found out he had been canoodling without consent she demolished his doodles; I hope when she shattered his sketches into smithereens she looked down the lens of a camera and said "Can you guess what it was yet!?" 

Today's alliteration is sponsored by Marijuana. 

And so was that picture!

Tesco has made a deal to be the biggest supermarket chain in China; they wanted Wallmart so they could launch a 'Great Wallmart of China' campaign but that would have been a £400m pun. Instead they settled for the wordier 'Big Touble In every Little helps China' slogan. 

Brad Pitt was punched in the face at an LA movie premier by a prankster who jumped the railings and charged at him; but in a mind blowing reveal at the end of the event it transpired Brad Pitt was actually punching himself in the face.

The dude who plays Billy Elliott has split up from his wife who was previously engaged Marilyn Manson; I fucking love it that Marilyn Manson and Billy Elliott are Custard Cousins™

Brits are spending £10billion a year on Drugs and Prostitution. I imagine pimps and drug dealers don't fill in tax returns, so I don't know how they found out this statistic. Maybe they got the figure from the politicians expenses. All I know is if Brits are illegally going to spend this money anyway, why don't we legalise, tax and control it and put the money back into education and healthcare? Not a joke, simply a valid point. 

Have a happy weekend! 

Thursday, 29 May 2014

News for Dummies 29/05/14

George Michael collapsed yesterday and two ambulances were sent to his North London mansion; why two? That just seems like a pointless waste of resources. I wonder if the paramedics argued over who took him to hospital... 
"I got here first..." 
"...but this is my patch, didn't your shift finish 5 minutes ago?"  
"Look guys I'm fine, honestly, I've just been really run down lately there's no need to make a fuss"
"Keep out of this George this is none of your business, I'm taking him Sharon, you do this all the time!"
"I DO THIS ALL THE TIME!!?? What about you? I had what's-her-face-Winehouse in the stretcher when you turned up and commanded authority, she was still fucking conscious at that point"
"We'll she'd still be conscious now if you stayed off my patch!!!"

Two of the One Direction gang members have been smoking on a little bit of the drugs, gang leader Harry Styles (aka Don Direction) is furious at the debacle; What's a 20 year old boy doing going around getting furious at debacles? Who gets mad at their mates smoking weed? Yeah if they didn't share it with you maybe have a bit of a grump but don't get on your high horse at their social endeavours you fucking cunt. It's 2014, weed should be legal, stop adding to the problem, grow up, have a spiff with you mates, sing a song about it, happily ever after... 

Nigeria off the hook for match fixing; in other news the Nigeria goal keeper caught the ball in midair and threw it into his own goal during a match against Scotland last night. (This actually happened) (smooth)

Micheal Barrymore is going on the Jeremy Kyle show in a last ditch scream for attention; Muhahahaha Phase one of my cunning plan is in operation, all we need now is to make Pierce Morgan and Katie Hopkins watch this show on Goggle-Box to create a 'twat-paradox' opening a wormhole to banish them all back to whence they came. It'll be the TV equivalent of when the ghostbusters cross their proton-streams to defeat Gozar the Gozerian, sucking all the media vermin into their telly-boxes and sending them back to their hellish realm, leaving us in a TV utopia with our viewing in the hands of David Attenborough, John Snow, Brian Cox and the second coming of Carl Sagan. 

Guilt ridden thieves returned 2 lambs that they stole from a farm 3 weeks after the crime, this seems like a fairytale happy ending but look at it from the lambs point of view, they were free and now they're food again, it's a horror story.

Eating two fewer biscuits a day is the cure to obesity say ever so accurate tabloid scientist; or wow the difference between someone being in good shape and being an 20 stone heart attack time bomb is a couple of custard creams? That is the only difference between those two existences? Are you sure you're a real scientist? Are you sure it's not the spoonfuls and spoonfuls of your bullshit we lap up every day? 

There is to be a crack down on the increasing amount of '999' hoax calls; authorities say the hoax calls divert resources unnecessarily when they're already under a lot of strain working out who gets George Michael 

By the way, I'm still patting myself on the back so hard for my whaambulance picture, if you don't share this blog on the Facebook right now I will find you, and I will ask you why! Be warned! 

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

News for Dummies 28/05/14

Scotland have been accused of match fixing; with claims nobody can possibly be that shit at football by accident

SNP chief Alex Salmond did that MP thing and went to play soccer ball with the kids to try and look hippedy-hip-hop coolio down with the...yeeeeah; And he was photographed doing some sort of straight legged tommy toe-punt like he had a he-man style lever on his back, the Sun newspaper printed the photo all like "how cute, he looks like the monty-python funny walks sketch, what's he like, tickle his chin..." Mother Fuckers he looks like he's goose stepping, get off his dick!

TV bosses wanted to axe Dr Who rather than replace David Tennant after he stepped down from the role; Hey, geeks out there, they might be able to take Dr Who away from you, but you'll NEVER lose your virginity.

Hackers have been locking people out of their iPhones and demanding a cash ransom to let them back in; initially, people panicked that they were going to starve to death and end up homeless while their health deteriorated, then they realised this was some serious first world terrorism with no other damage than a bruise to their own self involvement, and then they got on with a life of human interaction and looking up, taking in our wonderful world without an addiction to the cyber dimension of social media and procrastination, many victims went on to pursue their dreams, live lives of fulfilment and spend valuable time with their family and friends they would have otherwise wasted... I'm fucking kidding, they paid £50 and got their phone unlocked.  

A pregnant woman was stoned to death by HER FAMILY in front of a high court for marrying the man she loved. READ IT AGAIN. This kind of thing is actually happening to human beings, the country is irrelevant we're all in this together, so just imagine it was at your nearest magistrates, geographical location doesn't make this OK... but why the fuck are you reading about this in a silly blog, why the fuck am I reading it in a pissy little article next to the main article of that page "NEWS REPORTER SAYS F-BOMB" while the front page or this paper says "KATIE KICKS OUT KIERAN" ....

.... Sorry for bring that up guys, come on let's get our blinkers back on, back to having fun...

Katie Price made her cheating husband beg for forgiveness then showed him the door (double page spread); Silly Katie, what use is his forgiveness if you're kicking him out, what a waste of both of your time.

News reporter drops F-Bomb on air; The minute he said "Fuck" the nation crumbled, mothers started vomiting into their children's faces and children started stabbing their fathers, old people died of offence and the economy flat lined, it's now the apocalypse, I think we're being pretty nonchalant about it.