Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Home-made Religion

Could how you live affect how you die?

I’ve always been standoffish with religion, believing we’re too insignificant to ever know what is going on, I even find it arrogant that people think they sincerely know the answers. “There’s a god who made people and if you sin he punishes you…” BULSHIT you don’t know that. “You can’t eat pigs or you go to hell…” Hmmm, silly rule based on nothing. It’s all an assumption based on some-one else’s assumption based on someone else’s assumption dating back to when people were more ignorant than we are now, if you believe that’s possible. But every religion is preached with imperious conviction rather than admitting, “I don’t know, but I think it’s this…” I say if you want to have faith in something, don’t subscribe to something that’s already out there, make up your own beliefs.

When I die I think I’m going to be presented with an interface that gives me all the statistics of my life and provides me with action replays from any moment, synthesizing the happiness achieved by watching all the fun I had, feeling the love by watching toddler-Kai playing in the garden with his granddad on a summers day. This is an afterlife I’d be happy with and it inspires me to do more cool shit while I’m alive so I can relive it over and over. Of course this isn’t what I truly believe is going to happen, but if I’m going to make something up (like all religions are) I might as well fabricate something quality.

However. What I truly believe is this:
You may or may not know that we all trip balls off a potent hallucinogen called “Dmethyltryptamine” (DMT) every night when we sleep, it’s secreted from a gland in our brain, it’s what makes us dream. Now you can smoke this shit too, or ingest it orally, and people who have had waking DMT trips have had vivid psychedelic, spiritual experiences. Picture a dream that you are entirely aware of, as much as you are aware of reality right now. When you come back from these experiences you feel like you’ve been on a journey into your mind for hours and hours but in the physical realm the clock has only moved several minutes. Here’s the kicker, when you die, just before you die, the pineal gland (the third eye) in your brain has a massive dump of DMT flooding your brain with this drug.

So. My theory is that in this moment you have an uber lucid spiritual trip into your own mind that lasts for what feels like eternity (at the same time as your final meagre seconds in the physical realm come to an end) and what happens in this suspended infinity that you are held in largely depends on how you’ve lived your life; how at peace (or at war) you are with yourself in your final moments. If you’ve been kind, compassionate, loving, loved, moral, HAPPY; this is probably going to be a favourable existence, where your imagination will conjure the very images and feeling of people and friendships and experiences that have flavoured your life. You’ll be in your very own heaven. On the flip side, if you’re a cunt, a spiteful, jealous, insincere, hateful, miserable fuck-up. The debauched conscience and deep-rooted anxieties that come as a by-product of doing the wrong thing and being a BAD PERSON as a way of life will be there with you in the tomb of your infinity. It will be a haunting , torrid, nightmare of a DMT trip. Fire and Brimstones.

Now I’m not a real scientist, and I’m basing my suggestion on documentaries I’ve watched and articles I’ve seen. This is no different to a vicar suggesting (declaring) that Christianity is the truth just because they’ve read a book. The irony of my theory being that if you go to church and truly believe in your religion, chances are when you have your DMT trip you will see Jesus in your minds eye, and there will be pearly gates. Because it’s your heaven. I’m personally going to dream about statistics and replays, and probably Game of Thrones.

Just an idea for you to ponder over on a Wednesday afternoon.

Monday, 3 February 2014

News for Dummies 03/02/14

Philip Seymour Hoffman has died age 46; you all know this because you saw it on Facebook, you also had to Google his name and check IMDB to familiarise yourself with his body of work before passing on the tragic news via Facebook yourself, it's incredible how we all just patted ourselves on the back for feeling sad about the tragic loss of one of hollywoods great extra's, let's face it, non of you have a Philip Seymour Hoffman poster up on your bedroom wall or his calendar up in the kitchen. Theres being respectful and there's being down right self righteous. (this is neither)

David Beckham has announced that he relaxes by playing with Lego; One time he was putting a rod through the hole in one of the bricks to attach a tyre when he realised the rod was in fact his wife…. I'm kidding, David clearly plays with Duplo not Techincs.

Half of Brits have turned a blind eye after witnessing a mugging or robbery; the other half phone the police who then turn a blind eye.

Scientists claim obesity can only be fought by regulating the fast food industry; No. Obesity can be fought by the same thing that made you become a scientist. Bullying.

A group of 178 people broke a world record for the most people to dunk toast into soft boiled eggs at the same time; the record was held by Margaret Thatcher who dunked a load of soldiers who were retreating to Argentina in the Falkland war.

British kids as young as 12 are being diagnosed with sexually transmitted diseases; I'm assuming they are catching them from each other and not the church, if so, times have changed, when I was that age the only prick the girls were taking was their BCG.

A female zookeeper is under investigation after claiming she's thought about having sex with a Chimp that gets aroused when she touches him; (I didn't even know Coleen Rooney was a zookeeper.) Animal rights activist have got involved, how rank must this woman be if fucking her is cruelty to animals??