Tuesday, 20 December 2011

News for Dummies 20/12

Kim Jong il is now Kim Jong Dead we all knew he'd push the button, just not on his life support. Millions of people wept because propaganda has them under the veil of perseption that he wasn't a cunt.

"The Only way is Essex" whore Jessica Wright sent out a heart-warming R.I.P message on twitter about Kim Jong il, because being a cunt had her under the veil of perception that he wasn't a cunt. 

R.I.P British Television.

Tribute from TOWIE

Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Ladan, Muammar Gaddafi , Kim Jong il... All Dead; Jeremy Clarkson must be shitting himself!!

The Sun published a story urging people to come forward and offer themselves as foster carers; lets hope paedophiles don't read The Sun.... What? Only paedophiles read The Sun???

I understand this would make me a paedophile but I swear I was only here for research purposes <=== Also a Sun Journalists excuse in court when his hard-drive gets seized

Schools are going to make History a compulsory subject until you are 16; Let’s hope they do it before a TOWIE slag tweets an RIP message about Hitler.

BT want to sue Google claiming that they stole some of their ideas; that's funny I've never been put on hold for a Google search while being charged for it, they must have left that idea. Since BT have fell out with Google they’ll have to Ask Jeeves to find a good lawyer and will probably end up with a gardener.

A man driving a Land Rover veered off the road and killed 15 sheep; We think it was 15 the man counting them kept falling asleep. The community where just thankful it actually was sheep and not just the slow kids from the local school after the nativity.

P.S. if you were a sheep in your schools nativity you are probably going to be lonely again this Xmas.


Friday, 16 December 2011

News for Dummies 16/12

Pussy cat whore and X-factor judge Nicole Shitsinger's car was held at gunpoint by masked mexican bandits during the filming of her latest video; luckily the police arrived in time and we will never have to recieve the joke text "Don't you wish your gitlfriend was shot like me" at least a million times!

1300 Primary schools could be shut because kids failed to reach the minimum standard in tests; well you don't learn jack in primary school anyway you play instruments that shouldn't exsist and do PE in your y-fronts, I learned all my maths from the ice cream van and I'm yet to learn English. Primary school is just a swap shop for football stickers right?

1 in 4 girls have sex under age; WITH PRIESTS!!!..... only joking........ THAT'S BOYS!!!

Well I'm going to have to pull out early and leave you to finish yourself off, my mate is outside tooting the horn and I've gotta go start running around for Sunday's "Punch-Drunk Comedy" gig at Concordia... which I assume you're all coming to!!

Want more info: Click HERE bitches!!

That tickled you didn't it!!!...... RACIST!!!

Thursday, 15 December 2011

News for Dummies 15/12

A 40 year old woman has come out claiming she is Jimmy Saville's child; turns out Mr Fix it was making his own wet dreams come true with a waitress in Cannock in the 70's. She will be having a DNA test but it seems pointless because 1/ She looks identical to him (minus a few months of decomposing) and 2/ WHY WOULD YOU LIE ABOUT THAT!?

One third of children are obese by the time they leave primary school; my question is, where are the bullies? Bullies used to keep obesity in check, we all need to fight obesity today by kicking a fat kid and shouting "Do You Want some Cake Fatty??" and if you're the parent of a fat kid and think THIS is cruel, just think about what you've done to the poor fucker!

A pensioner got lost driving on the m25 ring-road for 2 days; he said he hasn't been stuck in an Escort for that long since the 1950's

Britain is expecting a big freeze with 6 days of Ice and snow bringing roads across the UK to a standstill; except in Liverpool where they have so many people on community service the roads and streets will be cleared in no time. In fact they will probably look out the window, see the white powder on the ground, then try and snort it!

A school in Wales has stopped children exchanging Xmas Cards as it is not eco friendly; Let me explain something, if the cards don’t exchange hands... they still exist. They don't merge back together into a tree you fucking lunatics. I love the irony that by the school doing this it made the national papers of which MILLIONS of copies have been printed on the trees they were trying to save! Well Done!

A man saved a woman’s life when she was having a heart attack by using skills he learned from watching Holby City; apparently his atrocious acting shocked her into recovery. I'm just glad he watched Holby all the time and not porn or it would have been a very different outcome for the old dear, although the acting would have been better.

KLM airways are setting up a scheme to check facebook profiles of other passengers to choose who you would like to sit next to on the flight; just remember that if a gitl has just her head and cleavage on the photo and it's taken from above slightly, that although she doesn't appear to be fat on the picture... you WILL be losing the battle for the arm rest!

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

News for Dummies 14/12

X-factor judge Lois Walsh dressed up as Cheryl Cole for a magazine photo shoot; He then waited outside Stamford Bridge and waved his arse in front of Ashley Cole on the off chance they could both get to stop lying to themselves.

Scientists have discovered why buttercups make your chin glow yellow, it's not because you like butter, it's because of light reflecting off the petals.... this is actually in the paper! Well. I. Fucking. Never!!! I'd love to have been in the lab that day while they were trying to get a square peg through a round hole and flinging shit at each other, millions of pounds going into cancer research (and hopefully production of the commercial jetpack) and this is the breaking news on the cutting edge of science!! Two seconds while I punch myself in the face with anger!

Ouch.... moving on.

Our body hair protects us from bed bugs; no wonder my balls get so itchy when I shave 'em!!

A man from Sunderland found a dinosaur bone while digging up his back garden; the prehistoric bone was taken to the cities museum where it is now displayed next to the last trophy Sunderland AFC won, which is thought to be older.

A computer hacker has been arrested after breaching facebook and attempting to steal peoples personal information; what personal information?? Peoples names, d.o.b's, relationship statuses, opinions, holiday photo's? why didn't he just simply Log On? He could have stolen everyone’s personal information with Ctrl+C.

A pensioner was last night trapped in his bed for 12 hours after 5000 sailing booklets he had stored in the loft fell through the ceiling and landed on him; poor fucker stuck for that long with nothing to read, the 77 year old was an ex Army Lieutenant, surviving numerous wars and dying to the hands of a few leaflets would be like Steve Irwin wrestling alligators then dying to the hands of a harmless stingray..... oh.

An ex-policeman was involved in a police chase through Scunthorpe while naked at the wheel; he was stripped of his uniform in 2009 but still always has his truncheon out, I imagine it was embarrassing being pulled by his former colleagues....after he got pulled over, wheeeeey!!

Here are some more cops making twats of themselves:

I'm hear all week!!

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

News for Dummies 13/12

Perrie from Little Mix has broke up with Zayn from One Direction; Look if I want to know about which teenagers were dating I'd have checked the graffiti on the back of my last conquests maths homework book before the Rohypnol wore off!

The Royal Mail's service was delayed because computers went down for 2 and a half hours yesterday; and it took them 2 hours to realise the service they provide is the physical moving of objects that require no data transfer what so ever.

12 Al Qaeda terrorists tunnelled out of jail yesterday; pardon me for stating the obvious, but was no-one keeping an eye on them?

Scans of brains will show if patients are lying to catch disability cheats; When Stephen Hawking realised he was going to be rumbled he stormed out of his office effing and blinding!

A 3 year old girl was dragged across a super-market aisle by an old woman who lost control of her mobility scooter; on the plus side they mopped up a spillage.

EasyJet wouldn't let a guide dog board one of their flights; Ryan Air were going to follow suit but then realised they needed them to help the pilots land the planes.

Ministers are considering making forced marriages illegal; wait a minute... that would make all marriages illegal, do you think blokes willingly tie themselves contractually to another human being, giving up all aspirations and ambitions because.... they want too??? Do you think they expire their savings and plummet into debt forgetting about that car they always wanted because they want a nice photo on the mantle-piece???? No it's because they're manipulated into believing that keeping their tumour happy will keep them supplied with blow-jobs on tap..... BULLSHIT!!! Forgive my lack of romance but Marriage is a fucking scam.... Personally I'd feel like less of a mug if I replied to that Nigerian king who just emailed me.

"I had dreams!"

Nick Clegg has went missing...... we have no idea how long it's been, no-one has really seen anything of him since the 15th May 2010

Monday, 12 December 2011

News for Dummies 12/12

Some sluts won the Karaoke; they were called Little Mix even though one of them aint that little.

Luckily for the world this means X-Factor is now over so the powers that be will have to think of another distraction for the sheep of the UK before they start realizing they are working 60 hours a week and are still skint. How come when there's singing on the telly we forget that we're being fucked up the arse??

The BBC faked Frozen Planet by filming an arctic polar bear in a German zoo; next you'll be telling me the bit with the penguin is just a clip from an old Batman movie and that Sir David Attenborough isn't actually immortal. This is the biggest Polar Bear scandal since Cresta Lemonade...

You had completely forgot about Cresta hadn't you???
A woman turned up to A&E to ask for help cutting her Christmas Turkey... the fucking Moron, Christmas isn't for another two weeks.

Ryan Giggs' wife joined the Man Utd team on their staff Xmas party and was the only wag there; just to make sure he didn't have sex with EVERYTHING. The other players, Alex Ferguson, the Champagne bottles, the little disinfectant rings in the urinals.... nothing is safe from Ryan's penetration unless his balls are in his wife’s handbag.

A man stealing copper from a church roof plummeted 20 feet; God works in mysterious ways, priests get away with interfering with children in his holy establishments but touch his copper and he'll lay the smack-down on your ass! God loves his copper.

brilliant check this on the very next page....

Prayers were said yesterday at All Saints, Oakham for Chief inspector Tony Day who murdered his wife and Daughter.... God Loves Coppers!!

Britain’s are urged to stop breeding dogs for a year; but how else will we get another series out of TOWIE!?

A stocky man from West Sussex snuggled into his girlfriend in his sleep and accidentally smothered her; And here I was annoyed when I woke up with a dead arm this morning, but I bet like me he still used it to get himself off!

News for Dummies is back for good now I'm back off tour so get it shared on Twitter, Facebook, print it out for the staffroom, don't let your friends and family go without this important daily news bulletin!