Tuesday, 13 December 2011

News for Dummies 13/12

Perrie from Little Mix has broke up with Zayn from One Direction; Look if I want to know about which teenagers were dating I'd have checked the graffiti on the back of my last conquests maths homework book before the Rohypnol wore off!

The Royal Mail's service was delayed because computers went down for 2 and a half hours yesterday; and it took them 2 hours to realise the service they provide is the physical moving of objects that require no data transfer what so ever.

12 Al Qaeda terrorists tunnelled out of jail yesterday; pardon me for stating the obvious, but was no-one keeping an eye on them?

Scans of brains will show if patients are lying to catch disability cheats; When Stephen Hawking realised he was going to be rumbled he stormed out of his office effing and blinding!

A 3 year old girl was dragged across a super-market aisle by an old woman who lost control of her mobility scooter; on the plus side they mopped up a spillage.

EasyJet wouldn't let a guide dog board one of their flights; Ryan Air were going to follow suit but then realised they needed them to help the pilots land the planes.

Ministers are considering making forced marriages illegal; wait a minute... that would make all marriages illegal, do you think blokes willingly tie themselves contractually to another human being, giving up all aspirations and ambitions because.... they want too??? Do you think they expire their savings and plummet into debt forgetting about that car they always wanted because they want a nice photo on the mantle-piece???? No it's because they're manipulated into believing that keeping their tumour happy will keep them supplied with blow-jobs on tap..... BULLSHIT!!! Forgive my lack of romance but Marriage is a fucking scam.... Personally I'd feel like less of a mug if I replied to that Nigerian king who just emailed me.

"I had dreams!"

Nick Clegg has went missing...... we have no idea how long it's been, no-one has really seen anything of him since the 15th May 2010

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