Wednesday, 4 June 2014

News for Dummies 04/06/14

Harry Styles wowed One Direction fans last nigh by showing up to dance along side his boyband despite having the sniffles and being unable to sing; what a hero coming out and doing some little dance moves when he's poorly, meanwhile on the M6 a bloke called Geoff laid tarmac on a 12 hour night shift in the rain with the exact same condition because phoning in sick would have put him on statutory sick pay and he would have failed to meet his mortgage payment. However this wasn't front page news due to Harry's heroics popping shapes. 

David Hasselhoff took a stab at welsh people saying they're all hobbits; Next week on "80's American hasbeens with acid damage fucking with the welsh for no apparent reason" B.A Baracus says Gavin and Stacie is whack, while Tom Sellick throws a Catatonia cd out his car window 

A make-up company called "Hard Candy" is suing Madona for stealing their name for her new brand of work-out DVD's; I don't see why either want to name their company after a movie about child abuse, this is like a postal fim and a private midwife arguing over who calls their company "Deliverence" 

A 4 year old boy was rushed into hospital yesterday after finding his parents drug stash and taking an ecstasy pill; the alarm was raised when the boy was found dancing to the Hoover and telling his pet hamster how much he fucking loved it. 

According to a study husbands who make less money than their wives have better sex lives; this is because it's easier to cheat when your wife is always at work

A man spent £2k buying packets of stickers in order to complete his FIFA 14 World Cup sticker album; it's safe to assume the bloke was ginger, judging by the fact he had a ton of swapsies but no friends to trade with. 

Something about Justin Bieber making a cunt of himself....

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

News for Dummies 03/06/14

The host of a the mutton dressed as lamb awards... I mean the annual hair and beauty awards, Ruthanne Ried, head-butted 57 year old guest, Kerryanne Campbell, last night in Glasgow; however the 'Glasgow kiss' is a sign of affection in those parts and the OAP was grateful for the make-over. Nothing says 'successfull party' in Glasgow like a pensioner getting an exfoliated forehead to the face. Celebrity guest and TOWIE vacuum Mark Wright told The Sun newspaper "I haven't stopped masturbating" 

Police have started digging up wasteland close to where Madeline McCann disappeared after following new leads in the investigation; fact is there are no new leads, just Kate and Gerry need new material so they can write another book to cash in on their murder. 

The NHS has been blasted because patients aren't being treated within their guaranteed wait time; I hate that every time the NHS gets blasted pretentious wanks pipe up saying 'well if you've got a problem with the NHS why don't you move to America where they have to pay for health care!?' That's not how it works, if I thought Britain had a drug problem I wouldn't move to Columbia to gain some perspective, when we're all struggling in an economic recession the answer isn't moving to fucking Zimbabwe. If your spinal injury is worsiening to the point of irreparable because your free healthcare is actually a non existent false promise, aren't we in a position to make some noise about it?

The Queen has denied rumours that she might step down, at the ripe old age off 88 her majesty doesn't want to drift into obscurity in her latter years denying her adoring nation an imminent bank holiday. 

The new IOS software update for the iPhone has an app that gives health advice; I hope the health advice just says "You don't have fucking insomnia you attention seeking fuck so don't even think about posting it on Facebook, how do you expect to get some shut-eye when you spend your first hour in bed with a million terrawatts of iPhone brightness emitting into your retinas disrupting the chemicals in your brain to think it's daylight, put your phone down and go to fucking sleep"

A pair of pranksters staged a brutal axe murder as the google street view car passed by which had users off the website convinced enough to call the police, and to conclude today's blog here it is along side some of the best street view pranks I could find on the Internet...

And my personal favourite....

Bonus pictures, these aren't pranks... Just fucked up:

Monday, 2 June 2014

News for Dummies 02/06/14

A car crash at a Rally wiped out spectators killing 3 onlookers; the driver of the vehicle was said to be in bits over the accident, not in as many bits as the poor fuckers he took out at 100mph. A witness said it was like a bowling ball hitting pins (lucky someone was at hand to provide analogies) the  witness also gave an artists impression of his account...

Kids as young as 6 feature in police stop and search figures; the police deserve a medel of bravery for delving into the pockets of 6 year olds, one officer found a child concealing a half chewed custard cream, a crisp packet full of dog poo and a dead bird. 

Rally tragedy analogy guy says: "Searching a 6 year old is like doing a bush-tucker trial"

Lilly Allan has claimed she would go gay for Beyoncé, Jay-Z responded by saying he wouldn't go gay for Lilly Allen. 

Rally tragedy analogy guys says: "Lilly Allen going gay for Beyoncé is like is like Stephen Hawking saying he'd take up football if he could play for Real Madrid"

Former member of boy band JLS has just found out he's going to be a dad; best take these off the shelf then shall we?

Rally tragedy analogy guys says: "A JLS boy band member getting someone pregnant is like coming out as straight"

It's still in the news that Jordan is breaking up from her latest fiancé/husband/boyfriend/who gives a fuck!? If I went to buy a car and it had 17 previous owners it'd be safe to assume there was something wrong with the car. 

Rally tragedy analogy guy says "splitting up with Jordan is like seeing the picture of a Big Mac on the boards, realising the actual burger is nothing like the picture, then deciding you're not hungry"

Two friends failed to paddle 3 miles to the Isle of White in a boat made of ice because it melted. I wonder if they wore life jackets made of bricks and expected them not to sink, over to you rally tragedy analogy guy...

Rally tragedy analogy guy says: "thanks Kai, building a boat out of ice and expecting it not to melt is like building a fucking boat out of fucking ice and expecting it not to fucking melt...what a pair of assholes"

Calm down rally tragedy analogy guy, geeez.