Monday, 20 February 2012

News for Dummies 20/2/12

Gary Barlow is to become a dad for the fourth time; His wife Dawn said to him "Gary you have know idea what it is like carrying four babies" forgetting the fact he's been doing just that for nearly 20 years.

His band-mate Robbie Williams has been voted the worlds hottest man; so take note fellas if you can pull off the look of smug and gormless simultaneously you won't be able to get moved for bitches.

The government have spent over £100k on flowers to decorate the houses of parliament; this reckless spending is only acceptable to the tax payers if they can confirm Nick Clegg has hay fever.

Met Police shot a man 7 times and also tasered him for threatening officers with a machete; yes, I find the best thing to do with a dropped, bloody, bullet filled body is electrocute it. I think they didn't quite do enough and should have considered following up with a flame-thrower and possibly a bazooka round. Don't fuck with the met police, it's like bringing a knife to an artillery fight.

On average 10'000 Brits per year die because of alcohol abuse; now try this fact ZERO people in the ENTIRE WORLD die every year from Cannabis abuse; Which one is legal? It's like saying rape is legal but kiss your girl-friend and you go to jail

Disclaimer: I'm not saying alcohol is the metaphorical equivalent of rape, however it is the prime catalyst.

A 7 year old boy has been accused of racism for asking a fellow pupil "are you brown because you are from Africa?" this to me is a child being inquisitive, read the sentence again and notice the absence of the word's "Cunt" "Fucking" and "Jungle" people need to remember the inclusion of hatred and malicious intent is required for racism. At the age of 7 you don't hang around with girls because you think they're gay... let kids work out the world around them before punishing their naivety.

Two Boxers (people who fight using punches) David Haye and Dereck Chisora, get this... Started Punching Each other,The punching fight started over an argument about who would win if they had one of those punching fights. The punching fight separated and a punching fight will be arranged.

I wonder if Usain Bolt and Asafa Powell had a fall out they'd start angrily running around the press conference.


Monday, 13 February 2012

News for Dummies 13/2/12

Whitney Houston was found dead in her hotel bathtub surrounded by bottles of the same prescription drugs Micheal Jackson used; Credit to MJ though at least he took the time out to water-proof himself, he would also have bubbles in his bath... to keep an eye on him. What I tend to do to stop myself drowning in the bath is get out when my fingers go wrinkly.

Louis Suarez is all over the news, taking more hammer than Whitney's septum because he didn't shake Patrice Evra's hand; I reckon if we can get worked up about two grown men not shaking hands over name calling we must be closer to world peace than ever. There be a storm brewing in our teacup!

Let's all get along

Ah what the fuck!? all that's in the paper is Houston's departure to hell, seriously you don't get Staci, 23, from Preston's boobs and opinion on education until page 11, she looks a little bit awkward with the situation too. It's 10 pages of depressing details of the tragic drug and abuse addled demise of a talented entertainer falling from grace resulting in her untimely death then at the turn of a page there stands Staci in just her pants with that "I should probably put these away" look on her face.

Kids are leaving primary school at the age of 11 with the maths skills of a 7 year old; I don't see this as a problem, we live in a world of computers that makes maths obsolete in every career except darts, and people in that field need further education in how to count, calories.

Ex-Brookside actress Jennifer Ellison managed to cut her head with her own ice-skate while competing on dancing on ice; one thing is guaranteed, give a Scoucer a pair of blades and they'll find something to stab. This wouldn't have happened if she had a Tinhead.

A British man has give birth to a child, the man was born a woman, had a sex change but retained the womb; Let's reword that, a woman wearing a permanent strap-on has had a kid. 

A TV advert will be broadcast tonight that only dogs can hear; the birds from Geordie Shore can't wait to tune in. 

Scientists have discovered over eating can give you memory problems in later life; Results of the studies were evident when both Michelle McManus and Rick Waller struggled to remember ever having a career.

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

News for Dummies 8/2/12

Singer Adele has been criticised by style guru Karl Largerfield for being too fat; You'd think with the amount of songs about being dumped the heart break diet would be doing her the world of good, I guess every time she's unlucky in love her mates turn up in droves with barrels of Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough.

Theresa May is urged to kick hate preacher Abu Qatada out of the country; You'd think deporting and Islamic extremest out of the country would be a gimme, everything she does always has an air of uncertainty to it, that might be why she's called Theresa "May"..... Theresa may tighten the boarders for illegal immigrants, Theresa may deport known terrorists, Theresa MAY actually be a man despite having no balls!

Kylie Minogue has had trouble with a stalker sending her hate mail on twitter, police have urged the micro blog site to create a code of conduct; they suggested the following rule: Love thy neighbour

A tramp was found frozen in a park in Hull; I didn't know they made special brew extra cold.

John Terry has been dumped from his boot sponsor Umbro for his racist remarks; the irony being if instead of saying "you black cunt" to Anton Ferdinand he'd paused for thought and said "" he'd have probably got away with that slur.

Hospitals have admitted they are failing to tackle a killer super bug that has already taken the lives of many patients; they also apologise for playing Jumanji

Studies show spending too much time in the Mirror can be depressing; that's why I stopped using it for my blog stories, that and it has no page 3 girl.

Monday, 6 February 2012

News for Dummies 6/2/11

Somewhere between going through a break up and going on snowboarding holiday and breaking my shoulder (It might not be broken.... I should probably get it checked out) I have been on hiatus for 2 weeks, so I prescribe your cold turkey some mother fuckin' NEWS....

England boss Fabio Capello has blasted the FA from revoking the captaincy from the peoples Hitler, John Terry; So Fabio want's a known racist in command on the pitch? Next he'll be campaigning for the legalisation of slavery and writing a formal letter of complaint to the legacy of Martin Luther King.

I've just been through the blizzards in -32C Andorra on a transfer bus and the driver pottered along like it was a day art the office, then I come home and people are talking about this "Icy Spell" like it was cast by Lord Voldemort; Here is my survival guide: 1) Stop driving like a retard, 2) It's 2012 your house has central heating... you can make it feel like summer 365 a year, 3) Carry on as normal

Insurance companies plan on slashing the whiplash claim payouts, currently 1500 per day, to cut premiums; this will not only save us all money but it will also save 1500 people per day the stress of lying to a doctor.

1 in 4 Head teachers are not good enough for their job; what do they even do?? They just sit mysteriously in that office doing nothing but wait for kids to be really naughty. Their presence merely being used as a threat to encourage children to behave, like God, but real.

Due to a legal "gaffe" a rapist has been allowed to walk free; Judges can't understand how this happened claiming "He's not even a Premier League footballer!!!"

Joey Barton said he is willing to go to jail over comments he has made; please don't put Joey Barton in jail, the last thing we need is him writing a rap album.

"Out on bail fresh outa jail QPR dreamin'..."

Study has shown Twitter and Facebook are more addictive than Smoking and Alcohol; Except the addiction helps you sleep with people you fancy and not fat trolls on a 4am dance floor bottom feed. You can do it at the office desk without being sacked, it's much more flattering if a girl starts tweeting straight after sex and you won't find News for Dummies at the bottom of a pint class....... Now get back to your addiction.