Monday, 20 February 2012

News for Dummies 20/2/12

Gary Barlow is to become a dad for the fourth time; His wife Dawn said to him "Gary you have know idea what it is like carrying four babies" forgetting the fact he's been doing just that for nearly 20 years.

His band-mate Robbie Williams has been voted the worlds hottest man; so take note fellas if you can pull off the look of smug and gormless simultaneously you won't be able to get moved for bitches.

The government have spent over £100k on flowers to decorate the houses of parliament; this reckless spending is only acceptable to the tax payers if they can confirm Nick Clegg has hay fever.

Met Police shot a man 7 times and also tasered him for threatening officers with a machete; yes, I find the best thing to do with a dropped, bloody, bullet filled body is electrocute it. I think they didn't quite do enough and should have considered following up with a flame-thrower and possibly a bazooka round. Don't fuck with the met police, it's like bringing a knife to an artillery fight.

On average 10'000 Brits per year die because of alcohol abuse; now try this fact ZERO people in the ENTIRE WORLD die every year from Cannabis abuse; Which one is legal? It's like saying rape is legal but kiss your girl-friend and you go to jail

Disclaimer: I'm not saying alcohol is the metaphorical equivalent of rape, however it is the prime catalyst.

A 7 year old boy has been accused of racism for asking a fellow pupil "are you brown because you are from Africa?" this to me is a child being inquisitive, read the sentence again and notice the absence of the word's "Cunt" "Fucking" and "Jungle" people need to remember the inclusion of hatred and malicious intent is required for racism. At the age of 7 you don't hang around with girls because you think they're gay... let kids work out the world around them before punishing their naivety.

Two Boxers (people who fight using punches) David Haye and Dereck Chisora, get this... Started Punching Each other,The punching fight started over an argument about who would win if they had one of those punching fights. The punching fight separated and a punching fight will be arranged.

I wonder if Usain Bolt and Asafa Powell had a fall out they'd start angrily running around the press conference.


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