Monday, 31 October 2011

News for Dummies 31/10

There is a whirlwind of controversy surrounding XFactor as they reveal that they digitally altered a contestants voice to make it sound better; wait til the brain dead public find out you can digitally alter the entire show from home to make it better by pressing the following combination of buttons on your sky remote: 9-0-6

America have sent out unmanned spy drones to hunt out Somalian pirate terror camps; yeah that's what we need to do to bring down those lawless villains, play with remote control toys!! Why don't we just pogo-stick up to the cunts and fire at them with nerf guns!!

Childs Play

A priceless hoard of ancient coins known as the treasure of Benghazi has been stolen; I say they're probably just down the back of the couch!

The Mario Balloteli Corner
He's in the news again but I think they're running out of stories on him because this time it's for wearing a beanie hat covered in skull and crossbones. However the photo was taken from a pilotless US spy drone.  This might also explain the missing coins and Man City's unlimited funds!

A 90 year old woman was delighted to discover her new care home was the same house she grew up in as a child; this is a heart warming tale for me and you but it's a fucking horror story for Elizabeth Fritzl

1 in 10 people use Facebook to hunt down their ex to rekindle the lost love but only 1 in 100 get their end away; the other 99% have to make do with tragically masturbating over a bikini photo that some other bloke took.

Maxine Carr (ex of The bubblebath assassin Ian Huntly) has had her baby taken off her and it will live a secret life; is that not what they tried do do with Jesus after his dad killed everyone in a flood??

Friday, 28 October 2011

News for Dummies 28/10

Convicted paedo Robert Black has been charged for killing a fourth child back in 1981; This worries me as this means he was on the prowl dangerously close to when I was a baby, fortunately it was just before I was born so to get to me he'd have to have abused my Dads sperm... which would serve up a whole new set of troubling questions.

Nicole Shirtslinger speaks of the heart-ache of being dumped by Lewis Hamilton because he didn't share her desire to start a family; Call it false advertising Nicole but I don't believe he put the bite on you because your song lyrics were "Don't you wish your girlfriend was a clingy, broody, dream killing control freak..... like me!?"

An antique Rhino ornament has went for £200'000.... I can't believe they Charged that much....

you're right sir, it was a very big pun!

Lab tests have shown Ecstasy victim Jodie Nieman was not killed by the drug on her holiday to Ibiza; her death was actually a result of the fire alarm in her hotel going off and her dancing herself into a seizure.

A 35 stone man is claiming discrimination after he was turned away and told he was too big to fit on the train at Kelvedon station, Essex; Listen fatty, just because you give equal opportunities to food and don't discriminate on what goes in your mouth, and even if you love trains so much you shout "chooo-chooo" every time you give yourself another spoonful of maple's not about being unfair to you, it's about being fair to the poor cunt that would have to sit next to you for 3 hours pretending to be comfortable whilst resisting your gravitational pull by pressing their terrified looking face against the window!!

"I'm not a passenger I just crush a lot"

Eamon Holmes is being blasted by rape charities after he suggested to a rape victim in an interview that "She should have got a taxi home" yeah Eamon good think, why don't you ring the McCanns and suggest the Canary Islands as a safe holiday destination or perhaps tell Dwight York about condoms!?

A young teenage couple drown in a Canal last night; It was after she miss typed a text saying "If you're lucky we might end the night with some deep canal"

Women are twice more likely to be sick in the car than men; this statistic came out after Eamon Holms suggested drunk women should get taxi's

Back on Monday but catch me and Daniel Sloss live in Edinburgh (Tonight) Greenock (Saturday) or Thurso (Sunday) click here for details!

Thursday, 27 October 2011

News for Dummies 27/10

Jeremy Clarkson has had an injunction on his ex wife who was threatening to announce they've had a 10 year fling if he doesn't pay her £300'000; this is on top of the gagging order to stop her revealing she's The Stig.

Radio 1 today announced record figures.... Chris Moyles' figure is the fattest it's ever been!!

Japanese car salesmen are exporting vehicles on the sly which have been condemned due to radiation from the nuclear leaks; This will make a lot of sense if you pull into St.Mary's Light-house in Whitley Bay and see all those mutants from Blyth dogging. Drivers are advised to wear contamination suits, ironically making them look like The Stig, who as it was revealed earlier, has been fucking a mutant for 10 years!

Strawberries have been proven to prevent stomach problems, such as ulcers, caused by drinking alcohol; God bless Kopparberg for combining the two, all we need now is to discover cats piss relieves liver failure and we can really justify drinking it.

It has been revealed it was not drugs but drink that killed Amy Winehouse, all the papers claim she was 5 times over the limit, but I claim "When the fuck has there ever been a limit?" But the big question is more "Why the didn't the paramedics just give her a hand full of Strawberries???"

The government announce that carrying a knife WILL result in jail time; Damn, there is no longer a cool way to eat an apple legally!

More than 400 students have been punished for writing swear words in GCSE exam papers; but I think the kids at sCUNThorpe High School have been treated unfairly.

The "What has Mario Balotelli been in the news for today" Corner:
Mario was spotted flicking through a top shelf Porn-Mag while on a shopping trip with his girlfriend; proving he is a wanker on and off the pitch!

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

News for Dummies 26/10

John Terry compliments Anton Ferdinand on his tan during Chelsea's clash with QPR; If JT isn't in your wife he's in a race row. The last "national treasure" to be overtly racist married Ashley Cole to prove she wasn't... You know what you've gotta do lads, it's been a while since England had a good defencive partnership!!

"I'm a gentle lover"
The FA have hired lip readers to work out what Terry really said to Ferdinand, I'm no expert but I think he called him a "Plaque Stunt"

Another politician has been outed for not paying his taxes; but as a stand-up comedian I refuse to make any hypocritical jokes on this matter

Over half of British adults are scared of the dark, confined spaces and loud noises.... Yeah, women and homosexuals

Italy and Man City striker Mario Balotelli went to the shop for some cleaning products for his mam and come back with a Trampoline... the thick shit probably couldn't find this:
It's not the first time he's been confused, it's like the time he turned up to shooting practice with a gun!

Kylie Minogue is to be paid £1m to judge on BBC talent show yet Lindsay Lohan is to be paid £1m to bare all in playboy... Would the beeb please consult me on how they spend my TV license now I know it can be spent more productively, we'd much rather see Kylie's minge than her opinion!

Attention whores Sam and Billie from the only way is Essex say they are afraid to go anywhere without protection after being beat down; if they had such a firm belief in protection in the first place half of Essex wouldn't be on antibiotics right now!

A baby is born in Egypt with 2 mouths.... handy, her mother has two breasts! Do you need any more proof of evolution??

VVVV now click one of the letters bellow the grey writing (My faves are the T and the F)

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

News for Dummies: Come-Back Special

Well the idea was to stop blogging until the end of our tour, but it became apparent that without "News For Dummies" none of us knew what the fuck was going on in the world (not even the Government) and the earth actually stopped turning on its axis. So here we go I'm restarting this vital source of national intelligence before everyone gives up hope and curls up in a corner dying of misinformation.... lets have a quick recap of October:

Gadaffi is dead; we know this because he was paraded around with bullet holes in his face, finally an evil tyrant killed with actual proof of death unlike the mystery shrouding the death of terrorist leader, warlord, and bringer of destruction, Amy Winehouse, earlier this year.

Maybe they're the same person???

Jodie Marsh reappears in the public eye as a body builder.... I told you there was lots of protein in spunk!

The Mac Daddy, Steve Jobs died aged 56; and despite the Dr's best efforts of shaking him to undo his death a spiral appeared in the middle of his face and he went blank. I'm not sure we've seen the last of him though, if I was a multi-billion dollar genius with the world’s biggest computer company at the dawn of artificial intelligence, I'd find a way of immortalizing myself as data ready for the rise of the machines. Just saying with Osama, Gadaffi and Winehouse gone the world needs a new comic book villain

Despite the Jobs loss Apple didn't crumble, but Blackberry did as BB messenger went down for weeks; causing 1000's of pretentious, self absorbed pricks to find a different method of telling other pretentious, self absorbed pricks that they've had their teeth whitened! If you are reading this on your blackberry please tell me how you got your head and your device up your own arse!!??

Gypsy's have been evicted from dale farm; they should occupy wall street, I mean there is no gold behind the currency but they have stole enough Lead from school roofs to put behind it. And they say the banking system isn't fair.... If anyone knows about fairs it's the gypo's!!

Westlife split up but only so they can have their come-back in a few years time. I've seen it all before, for instance Boy-Zone wanted their come-back it's just a shame they found it up Stephen Gately's arse at the post-mortem.

Defence Secretary Liam Fox got fired for bumming his best man or something; (I haven't done my research) I just know I've been best man on two occasions and haven't got so much as a hand-job!

After a recent Shark attack in Australia Police have give orders to hunt down and kill the Great-White; that will send a message to other Sharks as the gossip spreads through the ocean "Don't bite those pink monkeys did you see what they did to Keith" I'm not sure they're capable of processing discipline!!

But they would be a lot more forgivable if they had human teeth....

"Geeee.... I'm Sowwwyyyy"

If you enjoy this blog, spread the word, post it on your wall, tweet it, print it out and put it on the back off the staffroom toilet door..... do whatever you need to do to get the news to the people who need it!!

I'm sure lots more happened this month but I'll be back from tomorrow with the DAILY blog to make sure nothing slips the net.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

News for Dummies: HIATUS

Hey fuckers, the News for Dummies blog is going on a temporary hiatus now that the tour has started. I will be on the road with Daniel Sloss until Mid December making it virtually impossible to keep you up to date on a daily basis.

Plus side is because we are touring most of the UK towns and cities you can see us live: Click Daniel Sloss Tour for more info.

Here we are in action:

Follow us on twitter:

Kai: @kaihumphries
Danny: @daniel_sloss

In place of the regular News for Dummies blog we will be sure to PODCAST about world news and stories from the road and post it on here, so stay tuned.