Monday, 16 September 2013

News for Dummies: 16/09/13

One Direction star Louis Tomlinson sold a Celtic top which he threw up on in a charity game for £4,800.... This has started a wave of celebrities making money from clothes stained with bodily fluids; Jordan has raised 80p by selling a Bra covered in Harvey's drool, Lilly Allen has shifted the socks she miscarried on for £2.50, and Macaulay Culkin currently has a blind-fold saturated in Micheal Jackson's jizz up for auction.

Robin Williams is returning to TV because he is broke after two divorces; he's not broke because his ex-wives took all his money, it's just his make-up bill is through the roof from dressing up as a post menopausal nanny in order to break state and federal laws to stalk his children like in his horror movie "Mrs Doubtfire"

Prince Philip met his grandson Prince George for the first time yesterday, apparently when he saw the cute little bald toothless Prince drooling and gargling incoherently; the baby got a fright.


I hope the left wing, goodie two shoes, politically correct brigade haven't got through to RockStar Games otherwise the controls will go something like this...

A: Wave at your neighbour
B: Apologise
X: Swap Insurance Details
Y: Pat yourself on the back
LB: Wag you finger disapprovingly
RB: Quote the bible

Fuck that shit, go run over a whore, brutalise innocent people in the street with a baton, force entry on properties and run cars off the road... it's nice to have computer games to get away with that kind of twisted fantasy while we live righteous lives in the real world. Unfortunately some people have to spoil it for the rest of us by crossing the line bringing these sick antics into real life and actually joining the police force.

Would you believe this is genuinely the next news story I read... Police in America shoot an inocent man dead who survived a car accident and ran towards them for help; (see above punchline)

The worlds oldest man died yesterday aged 112; he had put his longevity down to taking 6 pain killers a day. On that logic, Heath Ledger should have lived forever.

There is something going on in Syria... But it's OK, X-Factor is back on! Look into your TV screens, don't look around the screen look into the screen, you are feeling very sleepy... now here are some adverts for things you NEEEEEEEEEEED