Friday, 29 July 2011

News for Dummies 29/7

There was thought to have been a sighting off missing Madeleine McCann in Northern India; She better bloody not be, the emotional and financial stress I had to go through to get a Visa last month and they just let a fugitive come waltzing in?? I'd be sending a nasty letter to the high commission!

A 32 year old mother woke up with amnesia convinced she was a 15 year old school girl about to sit her GCSE's; Her husband is over the moon, he said "it's like all the excitement of fucking a schoolgirl but non of us are on a register!" ....Lindsey Lohan has already enquired weather they are going to make a movie about it!

It's funny because I went to Ridley High School in Blyth and I swear All of the teenage girls were 32 year old mothers anyway!

A top advisor to Ed Miliband claimed "Jesus would vote labour" 1) Jesus got murdered for his opinion 2) He lived in Jerusalem so wouldn't be eligable to vote; and 3) It wouldn't matter because his dad is clearly a Tori bastard, just look his suspect decision making and love for destruction. Not to mention him giving St.Peter a false sense of a coalition on heaven when really he's just using him like the bitch he is!

Britain are looking at the option of bringing in US style private sector help in to fight crime, like dog the bounty hunter and Boba-Fett; Not sure it would work in the UK, I think if The Durrrg come and tried to preach the lords ways to the Steroid and Sunbed (SAS) posse of Ashington he'd end up in a headlock! "do yee Knaaa who aaa Knaaa???"

1700 pupils are excluded from school every day; A rethink is in order I reckon. If being sent away from school is punishment, then who in their right mind is going to behave? Less of a joke more food for thought...

Enrique Iglesias ranted about having a tiny penis while on stage in Melbourne; I think he's trying to appeal to men with piles, it's a niche market.

Ginger Harry Potter star Ron Weasley (not his real name) is using his new found freedom to take up extreme sports; Like Sunbathing, walking through a school playground and drinking with his step-dad!!

Joe Pesci is suing a studio after he put on weight for the role then got dropped from the film; be careful lads this might mean all the ex girlfriends we dumped could sue us. (Note to Daniel Sloss: this doesn't count for you because you got dumped and she is still really really fit lol.... maybe you could sue her???)

Blogger Poppy Disney, 24, gets 90'000 hits a day for dressing differently each day and uploading a photo's... for fuck sake here's me thinking you wanted jokes!!! Go on then have your candy here is a picture of me wearing a Taliban uniform:

Fuck you Poppy Disney yada-yada-yada G-HUT!!

Anyway I'm off to catch my flight.... Tomorrow I'll be wearing prison overalls!!

If you're in Manchester I'm at The Comedy Store Tonight
If you're in Kilmarnock I'm at a theatre tomorrow (not sure it's name but I'm guessing there's only one)
If you're in South shields I'm at The Customs House on Sunday

THEN EDINBURGH BABY!!! .....why am I shouting??

Thursday, 28 July 2011

News for Dummies 28/7

O.K. Listen to me Anders Breivik, you contacted the ENLGISH Defence League and the BRITISH National Party for support!? Just because you are a prick like them it doesn't mean they like you for you are NORWEGIAN and the very thing they hate, foreign!. Of course they encouraged you, you bell end, you were going to kill a bunch of other foreigners, you got used like a bitch by a pack of horrible cunts! And no-one will ever remember your name because it is too hard to pronounce... Un-Fucking-Lucky Anderson Britvic or whatever your pissy name is!!!

The Mayor of a city in Afghanistan was assassinated by a suicide bomber with explosives in his turban. Of all the ways to go, a man exploding his own head in your proximity must be the worst. Let's nickname the killer "The Turbanator"

"I need your Robes your Flip-flops and your bicycle with the basked full of chickens on the front"

A crown court judge has been trialed after being caught drunk in court; he was discovered because instead of having a wig on he was wearing a traffic cone.

Katie Price has painted her £1m Bugatti pink, it makes sense because photo-shop wizards have been painting Jordan to make her look pretty for years but we all look at it knowing there is an absolute beast underneath!

A Dolly Parton fan left a baby named "Jolene" after her 1974 hit song on the singers doorstep with a note saying "Mummy wants you to look after me" I think it's meant to be Storks that deliver babies not Stalkers!!

A teenage girl in Oslo survived after being shot 3 times; she has since been signed by Deathrow records.

A tramp in Dorset has been nominated to carry the Olympic torch; Homeless Gordon Roberts is excited because it will be the first time he's been warm in years and it is also the first time the Olympic torch will have been held under a spoon.

A Cop appeared on the TV show WipeOut whilst off on the sick; I'm personally surprised any police officer was fit enough to tackle an assault course, I'm always quick to label cops as crooked but I'd be a lot less surprised if she'd been on deal or no deal.

Scientists have used a controversial cloning technique to create a dog that glows; My face lit up when I read this story, I can imagine this would be great for walks at night but no good for hunting, I want one but trust me if it stats chasing it's tail I'm gonna start taking E's and playing rave music!

Enjoy my blogs?? Then come and see me live at the Edinburgh Fringe where I'll be saying funny things out loud for an hour every night of the Festival: More info <<click (p.s. 3rd-5th August are cheapest)

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

News for Dummies 27/7

Chris Evans is in full recovery after his big C scare; this is great news however he is still struggling to recover from the Big G he was diagnosed with at birth, after 45 years of struggling with the condition doctors are considering chemo.

George Osborne tried to put a brave face on about Britain's economy by saying well at least we're not Greece. In that breath Greece are getting through it by saying at least we aren't Somalia and Somalia are sleeping at night because they aren't Panda's

Today marks 1 year before the opening ceremony of the London 2012 Olympics; So it's o.k. I've got a year to think about jokes for that.

A dance class in Bolton has been blasted for teaching pole dancing to children as young as 7; Personally I can't wait to go to Bolton in 2023 to see what the lap dance bootcamp has created they'll be spinning round that pole like a helicopter propeller with daddy issues.

A 94 year old woman was nearly kicked to death by a Kangaroo but fought it of with a broom. It's like the episode of Skippy when he got rabies, she now says that she hates all Kangaroo's but I think that's a bit of  a sweeping statement.

A factory worker had his foot crushed by a two-ton roll of paper; he must have had a stone in his shoe*

9 in 10 people who are claiming incapacity benefit are fit to work; But judging by my recent trip to McDonald's 9 in 10 people who work should be claiming incapacity!

The taxidermist who provided stuffed animals for the Harry Potter movies has been arrested for crimes by trading in endangered species.... That's not a crime to taxidermy, these are crimes to taxidermy:

*paper beats stone, dummy!

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

News for Dummies 26/7

Amy Winehouse will be cremated today and her ashes will be mingled with those of her grandmother; first Valerie and now Cynthia, even beyond the grave she can't stop remixing old classics

Amy's father Mitch Winehouse instantly contacted his Psychic friend Sally Morgan within minutes of hearing of his daughters death; I think it was to find out her bank details to transfer the money over from their bet.

Extra large toilet seats are on sale as obese Brits are growing to big for the standard standard size; This is great news for my mate Joe Gillis, not that he's overweight just he's always wanted to enter a Gurning Competition but couldn't find anything big enough to fit his MASSIVE head through:

Standard gurning platform

Joe Gillis delighted at the new toilet seats that fit his head.
1:10000000 Scale photo

I'm starting to think we're robbing Peter to pay Paulodopolous as we send money to Greece and now Somalia when our own tramps are struggling to pay for their crack!

Steven Speilburg has been fined for terrorising a beach on his speedboat; the same holiday makers that complained want to feel lucky they weren't sunbathing the day he tipped up to shoot the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan.

5 Afghan kids are hurt in a British airstrike; I'm sorry but if 5 British kids got hurt in an Afghan airstrike there'd be hell on!

7 Teenagers were seriously injured by a Bear; I'm sorry but if 7 bears were seriously injured by a teenager there'd be hell on!

The Oslo Massacre madman Anders Breivik smirked as he left the courtroom yesterday; but you know what, I smirked back, because I know he's going to get fucked up the arse in prison!

Dundee United footballer David GOODWILLIE has been cleared of rape allegations; David comes from a long line of Goodwillie's who's family name originated from his ancestors remarkable reputations for not doing bad things with their willies. Tracy Easyfoof has dropped the charges against him.

The story of the Chillian miners is being made into a movie but the producer Darren Aronofsky has been beat too it; I watched 33 men get stuck into a black hole on pornhub last night! 

I had a few stories brought to my attention by readers today; as I just have a scan of the news a lot of good stories slip the net so do get in touch if you find a gem!! Tweet @kaihumphries or get me on facebook!!

Monday, 25 July 2011

News for Dummies 25/7

I just woke up on my mate Brucie's couch but in the wake of recent news despite my raging hangover I feel lucky to be alive. His local newsagent doesn't sell Newspapers but sells bacon so I've had a nice sandwich but this doesn't help you any. I won't let this stop me, today's news will have to be based on the stories on Google news rather than the Sun so unfortunately today will largely be based on fact for a change! 

Fans and critics of Amy Winehouse are saying if it wasn't for Heroin Amy could have been more like Adele; .....Fat!?


Outrage in China as the government try to cover up a high speed rail crash; "there's nothing to see here...the train is just delayed there's leaves on the track......oh all that carnage and rubble over there?? someone has been fly tipping that's all... move along!!"

Iran accuses the US of assassinating a scientist; The US are struggling to explain to them that Spiderman 2 is a fictional movie and Doc Octopus isn't even a real scientist he's just an actor pretending.

Spaniards protest in the streets over unemployment; Unfortunately adults that need an afternoon nap are hard to employ!

Somalian Pirates Hijacked a Diesel tanker; Now they all wear skinny jeans.

Comedian and News for Dummies substitute teacher Daniel Sloss has just been dumped (for his looks I think); He is currently on suicide watch.

I've never been dumped!

The fact our immediate suspicions were wrong and the terror attack in Norway wasn't by an Islamic fundamentalist but a White Blond man could be a sign that killing Osama bin Laden has ended threat from Al Qaeda; We now have a new evil and need to kill the leader of white blond men, Rhydian is shitting himself!!

Prison Chef Wendy Snowdon has been sacked for having sex with an inmate; apparently she always had a soft spot for men inside. She was teaching him how to cook and when making toad in the hole she showed him how to put his sausage in her Yorkshire pudding!  

I'll be back tomorrow without a hangover and with a newspaper, two essential ingredients to a morning news blog

Friday, 22 July 2011

News for Dummies 22/7

5 people in as many weeks have died in the "Saline Killings" in a Stockport hospital, all victims were either in their 80's or terminally ill.... are people not just, errm, dying?? 3 People have died in the old folks home over the road this year, no-one seems to be running over to check if someones spiked their porridge like we've a mystery to solve!!

According to school friends the girl suspected of causing the deaths was a "swot" at school and "wouldn't hurt a fly"

Lady Gaga has announced she smokes marijuana I think we worked that out when you wore a dress made out of meat, classic case of the munchies right there.

Bankrupt Greece are urged to mortgage The Acropolis; It will probably end up being a TigerTiger and Zues will be in the gents handing out after shave and lollipops to raise a couple extra quid.

N-Dubz's Dappy had a row with Talusa because of Ny and Kaye no one was happy in the scrappy coz Dappy used KY on Ny and took Kaye to NY (to-lose-her I think) Talusa squared up to Ny while Dappy and Kaye worked out the square route of Pi....True story, it's all very confusing!   

Planet of the Apes could become reality after Stem cell research on primates could humanize them according to scientists; It is said thy may already walk among us:

Singer or Monkey?
Footballer or Monkey?

My mate Rob or Monkey?

Look closely at Lacey, 18, from Bedford in the Sun; she has a hairy right boob.

Muslims could have up to 4 wives under new laws; well the dishes would never build up and your dick would stay sucked but I aint giving up bacon Mcmuffin's for shit!!

34'000 Police jobs could go but there are fears this could result in crime waves; Well crime will remain the same but they were never reported when it was from the inside, all those unemployed cops will be getting nicked for crimes they were doing all along. Someone spell corruption for me again.

Oh Lady Gaga is in the news again, this time saying she inherited her raunchy behaviour from her DAD; I don't think that's the only thing you inherited from him? His cock perhaps??

It's the earliest the blog has ever been put up so remember to share it on facebook and tweet it to keep it live otherwise it will drop off peoples news feed before they even get online.... now you wouldn't deprive them would you??

oh you would! well have a nice day.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

News for Dummies 21/7

27 year old nurse Rebecca Leighton arrested over hospital Saline Killings; She was brought in for questioning because she often updated her facebook status that she "hated working night shifts" If this is seriously a lead I think I may be a suspect myself!! It should be the other way around, in my previous jobs if someone has openly admitted ENJOYING night shifts I have give it serious consideration that they may be a serial killer!

A Body Guard is claiming damages after sexual harassment from Britney Spears, he said she was unhygienic and picked her nose between repeated unwanted advances... Is Gok Wan a bodyguard now?? What's going on? For a line of work that being on steroids is the only criteria of employment you wouldn't find yourself on such a high-horse of self respect!! 

Paris Hilton stormed out of a meeting after being asked if she was a hasbeen; This is in the wake of her new TV show being a flop, she screamed "there has never been a flop in anything I have recorded in 15 years."

Chris Brown is being dubbed the Neighbour from hell; He keeps leaving his car in the disabled bay, but this is for when girls leave his house after he beats them up. He also plays deafening rap music in the mornings but he now has a radio alarm clock the shape of Rhianna's face so he is more likely to hit the snooze button.

A UN aid chief accused MP's and the media of ignoring African famine victims because of their obsession with phone hacking; on an answerphone message he left to a close friend.

A leopard mauled and injured several villagers in West Bengal, so they killed it!! Know your place on the food-chain bitch!!

Linford Christie was in a nasty car accident after coming back from the USA and accidentally driving on the wrong side of the road. He should know better, last time he done 30mph in the wrong lane he got disqualified from the race.

A man died by being crushed by a fork-lift truck; while I was thinking of a quip for this story I google imaged "fork lift truck funny" and it brought up an image of Susan Boyle!! (seriously)

No thingymajigs were harmed during the making of this blog....

Ba-Nana - what's my name!!?

I'm doing my Edinburgh preview at Sheffield (Lescar) tonight... but make sure you ALL come and see the completed show at the Fringe Festival in August >>>> CLICK ME <<<<< p.s. check 2nd, 3rd + 4th Loads Cheaper :o) 

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

News for Dummies 20/7

Rupert Murdoch claimed it was the most humble day of his life yesterday as he apologised to MP's for the phone hacking scandal; He proved this by eating humble pie when an attacker threw a custard pie in his face "Three Stoogies" style, when Rupert left the conference he also stood on an upturned rake before peddling of on a tiny bicycle. The police have his attacker is in Custardy.

Murdoch's Chinese bride Wendi Deng (who used to play volleyball) leaped to his defence and spiked the attacker with an Olympic standard slam over the net of suits in her way......

Check out her form in slow motion:

I just wish she had a history in football because an overhead kick would have been much more spectacular!!

British police work closer with overseas police forces to stop illegal sex trafficking; "LOL" because policemen would never dreeeeeaaamm of sleeping with a hooker!!??? They might as well get police to deal with Drug Trafficking too.... oh they do!! Just so long as they're getting all the coke and prozzies so we don't have to. What noble selfless individuals *cough*"corruption"*cough*

Justin Beiber has agreed to do a private gig in Beckhams home for his kids in exchange for soccer lessons. If this is how celebrities make trade surely Bieber should be doing a gig for a famous Singer's kids??

Steven Gerrard has been banned by his pregnant wife from giving his 3rd child the middle name "Eight" He is more than disappointed because Steven is a big Dr.Who fan and they've already agreed on the first name being "Extermin"

A postman hid over 31'000 letters at his home in Burnley.... No wonder he was so fucking good at scrabble!!

People in Indonesia are lying across railway tracks as they suspect that the electricity cures illness; I suspect we're going to have a few flat liners.

Badgers are in danger of a cull after suggestions they cause tuberculosis in cattle; One badger was questioned on the matter and all he said about it is "MASSSSHHH POTATO!!!"

I'm ending the day's news on a "Bodger and Badger" joke, if you don't get it google it..... if you don't get the first story google "cream pie" (NSFW)

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

News for Dummies 19/7

A 4th hospital patient nearly died at because of spiked saline solution; Police say when they find the nurse responsible they will get it in the neck, that'll give them a taste of their own medicine

In other news Poisonous Drip Rupert Murdoch is to be interviewed for the phone hacking scandal; he'll probably get the job he has years of experience.

Two female officers are tipped to become next Met Commisioner, Sara Thornton (forget about her) and Crissida DICK (hahahahahahahah) I hope to God she get's it. The police fuck us over all the time, far better the chief be called Dick!! She led the operation that resulted in the shooting of Charles de Menezes on the London Tube in 2005 but I don't think he's the only man to be shot in the face by Dick on the London underground!!!

Nelson Mandela turned 93 Yesterday, to celebrate his life here are a few photo's of him over the years:
Nelson Mandela aged 87

Nelson Mandela aged 61

Nelson Mandela aged 35
Nelson Mandela aged 25

Nelson Mandela aged 19
In 1999 Gordon Brown sold 400 tons of the UK's gold for £295 per ounce... It is now worth £1000 per ounce; I was only 16 when my country fucked me up the arse, how old were you?? I know how he must feel though, I threw out all my old He-Man and Star-Wars figures around the same year!!

Green peace activists broke into the HQ of an oil company dressed as Polar Bears; I want to know what they did once they got in there, what were their key objectives?? Did they do a polar bear dance?? Then did the oil tycoons go "oh I see your point" and invest heavily in renewable energy..

Fucking Bellends!!

Actually Polar Bears are total cunts, I dare the green peace protesters to approach one of their beloved cuddly animals, I don't think they'd share eachothers values on "Peace!"

Thieves in Austria nicked a Lorry carrying 21 tons of Mustard and Ketchup; The man who is currently delivering Hot Dogs must be shitting himself!!!

The NHS pay £32 per loaf for Glutton free bread; If I ever end up in hospital my sandwiches better have golden crusts!! Infact I remember in 1999 Gordon Brown sold 400 tons of our glutton free bread for 75p a loaf

Enjoy the rest of your day, ask out the pretty girl you fancy at the office, ask your boss for a raise, apply for the job you always wanted.... then cry yourself to sleep when you get none of those things and I'll see you tomorrow with Wednesdays news!!

Monday, 18 July 2011

News for Dummies 18/7

I'm late in posting today because I had to attend a speed awareness course, it's not that it ran late it just took me ages to get back home from it after my brainwashing.

This is what I learned:

  • 30mph you will have time to stop if someone steps in the road...
  • 40mph you will kill someone who steps in the road...
  • 80mph you will pass them before the even think about stepping into the road!!

British troops were ill equipped and under resourced when they were sent to Helmand to take on the Taliban; Wait a minute, the Taliban turned up wearing towling robes and flip-flops and we claim we were under equipped?? For fuck sake are we sending our troops in naked with water pistols???

A school had to close a week before the end of term because gypsies set up camp in the school field; Mystic Meg spoke for the rest of the unemployed News of the World staff saying they have nowhere else to go!!

Cheryl Cole is in the papers AGAIN but I refuse to slag her off I'm a geordie and geordies love "Coal" and I'd love nothing more than for her to send her Canary down my Shaft....

Hack comedians have had to drop the joke: "I have got two kids, 3 and 7...... Silly names for kids HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" After the Beckhams have made numbering your kids quite popular.

Tesco is set to sell a Chilli so hot that the Indian army use them in weapons..... And we say our troops are under equipped!?

A jealous man killed his mate with a single punch after finding out he slept with his girlfriend; he slipped arsenic into the bowl and offered him the fruity drink as a truce.

A teenager was killed when he touched a metal washing line that had come into contact with a live cable; Whoever was responsible for this travesty should be hung out to dry.

A 26 year old women tracked down her long lost father on genes reunited and they ended up having an illicit affair; here are some pictures of their family tree:

Our trip to the woods...

Who's the Daddy???

Back tomorrow at the usual time of when I get out of bed!!

Friday, 15 July 2011

News for Dummies 15/7

The house of Fred and Rosemary West is being used as a brothel; not much has changed because if you find yourself in there chances are you're fucked!!

The Guardian apologises to the Sun; this isn't Greek Mythology, it's the newspapers over an accusation, it's kind of like the old man at the top of the street apologising to the delinquent kid because he doesn't want any more trouble.

James Corden is set to play Ron Atkinson in a new film; It's a shame Bernard Manning is dead he would have been ideal.

It is said David Beckham wept with Joy at his daughters birth; despite not knowing who Joy is or why she was there!!

In Britain a household is robbed every 40 seconds; the government prefer to call it income tax.

In the wake of all the the phone hacking scandals I'm worried I might be in deep trouble for some of the calls I've been listening into lately; when my bird gets the phone bill and see'sthat I've been eves dropping on Babe-Station every night.

Kai Humphries keeps shamelessly plugging his exciting new fringe show which includes everything from Rubik's cube to battle rap; and if you want more information you can click HERE

Can anyone remember when the stitching would tear on your football (caser) and the orange bladder would start to pop out between the patches; we called that "a boob"

A 29 year old has become Britain's youngest Granddad after his daughter give birth at 14; The one week old baby is already pregnant and the foetus inside it is also said to be pregnant... they family are like council estate Russian Dolls!!

Two barbers in Derby got into a fight outside one of their shop's; one barber lead with a scissor kick but the other swept the floor when he finished him off with an upper-cut.

Have a great weekend, If you live near Oxford I will be previewing at Kill for a seat tonight


LOCAL this Sunday previewing my show at NEWCASTLE Live Theatre... see some of you there???

Thursday, 14 July 2011

News for Dummies 14/7

How can we pass a test when we don't listen to you???

Immigrants using marriage to get into the country will face tough tests about "Each other" before being granted citizenship to prove the marriage isn't just a sham ploy to get a Visa; I can only imagine the test result papers:

1) the middle of April Nineteen Seventy-something
2) Cheese I think...wait it might be motorsport
3) Off memory I'd say her left boob is the biggest, depends which way you're coming in from
4) 5 brothers, 3 sisters... the retard is adopted I think
5) Since we met? I'd say she's put on about 3 stone!!

The rest of the questions are a decoy they only need the answer to question 5 to prove the wedding is legitimate!!

Squatters rights are finally being lifted; This is great news can we now get Cameron out of number 10??

A cabbie in Greece went berserk slashing at a group of tourists with a knife, killing one teenage lad; they only said "keep the change" it must have tipped him over the edge.

Sharon Osbourne’s stolen £200'000 ring turned up on TV's crimewatch; It's a stroke of luck that she watched that show, but as she stated; It's the only way she gets to see her kids.

Transformers are set to be the number one must have children’s toy this Christmas; However I'm a bit dubious about buying my nephew a petrol generator!

Britain’s top Spy's are quitting over budget cuts to take higher paid jobs at google; it will be a similar line of work just instead of searching for terrorists from Islamic groups in Pakistan they'll be searching for nipple slips from Lady Gaga in pornhub.

A British man was caught in South African customs smuggling cocaine from South Africa in a Bra that he was wearing; I wonder if when he first pulled on that bra he envisaged fulfilling the role of becoming some-ones girlfriend... because in a Johannesburg prison I doubt you have a choice

Some schools have banned kids from using suntan-lotion; Proof that in 2011 ginger kids are still being victimized!

News for dummies will reach a milestone 10'000 hits today if you all share this on facebook an twitter!!

"For info on my 2011 fringe show click here"

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

News for Dummies 13/7

Gordon Brown has jumped on the band wagon accusing newspapers of probing his medical records; It could just be that you don't need a masters in medicine to work out that he is paralyzed from the neck up!

The true UK debt is said to be £2Trillion; which irresponsible cunt goes that far into their overdraft. Excuse me while I substitute short snappy 1 liners for a rant:

There are 51-million people in this country/team/clan, that means each of us have £39'215.69 debt in our name, now If I had that much debt personally I'd have a new Nissan Skyline GTR, Macbook pro, a holiday in Hawaii and an Armarni suit, before I'd live with myself paying that shit back.... but we're paying it back anyway in the way of fucked up tax hikes and what do we have to show for it; a clapped out Vauxhall Nova, a type-writer, a weekend at Skegness and a Asics track suit. Well bend me over and fuck me up the arse!!!

Greece are also in the shit; so much so they've shown their anger by tearing up paper plates.  

Plans to abolish cheques by 2018 have been abolished; <joke about checks being abolished upsetting kilt wearers> <joke about plans bouncing and taking further 5 working years to clear> ...I'm getting lazy!!
I forged a cheque once, but what am I going to do with a cast iron cheque.... <yawn>

There is loads of stuff about people being "hacked" in the news; is it just in North-East where we refer to a hack as a foul in football?? We used to go to the field and play "hackers union" and "hacky international" rules where fouls were permitted. So when I read these stories I picture the celebrity/politician involved receiving a crunching high tackle... it's a good image!

And while I'm confusing you with geordie terms... you've never heard of peas pudding you fucking freaks... what else do you have on your ham stottie???

A man proposed to his new fiance by writing "Will you mary me" on Bournmouth's football pitch and flying her over it; Best start the season with a result, even though it will probably end up with her going down.

A trainer used Viagra to make him run faster; the dog was chasing the Hare for all the wrong reasons. The trainer said it was a necessary evil because the dog ran awful in the soft.

Al-Qaeda target social network sites in new cyber war; Oh no are they going to hijack my password and fly it into my wall?? Rape my status and poke me in the inbox?? Throw sheep at my farmville??....this is the dawn of a new era, the war on Spam!!
From beyond the grave and behind his computer desk!!

And a bonus joke from my brothers girlfriend Chelsea: 
A man was left blind in one eye when gannet swooped down and took his eye-ball; at least it wasn't his wife pecking his head for once....

Come see me in Edinburgh fringe festival (heads up: first few shows are loads cheaper if you buy in advance!!)

Kai Humphries: Bare-Faced Cheek   <<<Click Me

Never seen my stand-up before??

My youtube link <<< then click me too

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Travel for Dummies: India

So they sent me to Bangalore in the South of India to do 3 stand-up comedy shows to the locals this weekend. Now those of you who know me, know my accent is about as Geordie as it gets; My first hurdle came when I went to post my Visa application at the post office in North Shields and struggled to get the special delivery postage paid because the Indian guy at the counter couldn't understand a word I was saying.

I was warned before I left I would have my eyes opened but nothing prepared me for the class divide I noticed when I saw half the population were clearly well off and educated while the rest lived in squalor; barefoot on the streets, begging and barely speaking a word of English, but it was my decision to fly from Manchester so I can't really complain. Joking aside when I got to India I've not seen poverty and wealth live hand in hand quite like that since... well since Southbeach was built right next to Newsham in Blyth. (Joking didn't stay aside for very long) The taxi ride from the airport was a fucking sensory overload between witnessing life being lived like I had never seen before and watching my own life flash in front of me, as we weaved at high speed in between, traffic, beggars and livestock... If a cow stepped into a duel carriage-way in the UK I'd question my own sanity before I accepted it was a bovine speed bump but my driver calmly slammed the breaks on and laughed at my terror as a rickshaw cab crashed into the back of us before swerving to miss the cow and driving off like it was just another day at the office. 

Meet my driver "Ravi" he become my friend over the course of my stay despite his vocabulary only ever extending to "yes Sir" we seemed to have a good time together. Whatever the question "yes Sir" seemed to suffice, he'd always seem to ponder his choice of words for several seconds before inevitably committing to his token "yes Sir" always with a smile on his face like he was one endorphin away from laughing his head off. 

Hi, are you my Driver: .....Yes Sir
So what part of Bangalore are you from? ....Yes Sir
What are your opinions on the economic growth of India in the last decade? ....Yes Sir
I've forgot the name of the progressive rock band that formed in 1968, Rick Wakeman played on keyboard and they had a hit record with "Owner of a Lonely Heart" ....Yes Sir

The only time he didn't utter his catch-phrase was during an extended silence in the car when he, seemingly out of nowhere, exclaimed: "I can speak in 16 different languages" This made me laugh, I think he must only know "Yes Sir" and that previous phrase in all of those languages; Ravi - Jack of all tongues, master of non. I liked Ravi and tipped him heavy and also extended his English vocabulary by teaching him that "Holy mother of the baby Jesus...FUUUCCCKKK!!" loosely translates to "we got mighty close to that oncoming bus"

I couldn't get used to all of the tooting of horns at first, when I'm a pedestrian in my home communities of Blyth and Ashington and when some-one beeps I assume I've been recognized by a friend and wave before I even know who it is, safe in the knowledge I'll look up and go "oh it's Steve!" so I spent most of my first day waving at every car that drove past me. I thought for a moment I was famous in Bangalore, turns out I'm just an Idiot. Firstly because of that and secondly because I misheard a man trying to sell me small wooden sculptures "Handicrafts" and thought he was offering me "Handicapped" and for a short while he was persistent that I bought a handicapped for my parents, I was like; As much as I care about the well-being of disabled people I didn't come here to adopt the needy, I'm not Angelina fucking Jolie! 

The gigs were great, the first one was nice to survive and get enough laughs to justify me going all that way but, I certainly had teething problems with the accent, topics lost in translation (Indians don't keep hamsters or have pool lifeguards) and my lack of local knowledge to drop in at the start. But after work shopping with the other acts with what made sense and what didn't and after a day sight-seeing with my BFF Ravi, I was equipped to have 2 great shows on the following days. I combatted the accent by conducting my gig in the Queen’s English, in my head it sounded ridiculous almost as if I was taking the piss, but needs must and it worked. I think it's ironic that I had to put my phone voice on to be understood over there but when I ring for technical support for my laptop and get through to an Indian call centre their phone voice loses me immediately.

The other acts on the bill, Sanjay Manaktata and Anubhav Pal were absolutely fantastic (in stagecraft and material,) their comedy taught me a lot about Indian culture, politics and history in a much more fun media than books and internet, this is one of the reasons I love comedy you're not only laughing but you are getting a well-crafted opinion and insight a lot of the time (but don't expect that from me.) They are both a tribute to Indian Comedy and are really at the start of something as India has over 500million people who will understand comedy in the English language yet it is a largely untapped resource. I think these two guys hold a huge importance to the impending fruitful future of Comedy across India.

Inspiration not only came from the entertainers but the business men behind the venture, Ajit Saldanha (also a very funny man who did a great job warming the crowds up) and Sangieve Bulchandani who has huge aspirations in turning Bangalore into a hotbed for comedy proposing 10's of venues in this huge City and bringing in many more International acts at his own financial risk. Sangieve is very proud of Bangalore and when he told me that when he moved there in 1983 (the year I was born) it had a population of 300'000 people which has now grown to over 7 Million. But he said it with such pride I thought he was claiming to be directly responsible for it, I was thinking "Whoa that dude has a lot of sex!" - And I guess that's why they call it Bang-Galore!!

Sight-seeing with Ravi was great, he took me to The Palace, the Lal Bagh Gardens and the Bull Temple; All the while pointing at stuff and saying "...yes sir."
At the temple there were wild Monkeys kicking around acting all cute but no-one warned me you couldn't pet them. As I got too close reaching out my hand and saying "who's a pretty monkey" It got possessed by a demon, pulled a face like the kid in the ring and made an aggressive bee-line for me but just before it reached me, Ravi dived between me and the monkey with his fist raised like a real life Asian Kevin Costner with a big moustache. The Monkey ran off but I wish it didn't, because I think seeing Ravi punch a monkey in the face would have been the funniest thing that could EVER happen.

He dropped me off on the last night (he wouldn't come in for coffee) and agreed to pick me up at 7am for my Airport run which would have got me to the Airport in good time for my 10:30am flight, as I say would have. Cut to 9:30am. There is a knock at my door "room service" my alarm is blaring, a gentleman in the hotel uniform wanders into my room I leapt out of my bed, but ass naked "SHIT WHAT TIME IS IT" to which he replied "room service" ....for fuck sake do they just give these guys two words each!? I ran over to the desk by the door my watch said 9:30, you'd think running around with my dick out would have cued him to leave but he just started restocking the mini-bar as I ferociously packed my things and threw on some clothes and had my morning wank (I didn't have a wank) I ran out of my room knowing the flight would have to be delayed for me to catch it, but I was taking my chances. Sure enough Ravi was sat in his car outside the hotel where he had been for 2 and a half hours sat grinning wobbling his head and repeating "yes sir" on a 3 minute loop. 
"I love you Ravi but you coulda give me a fucking nudge"
"...yes sir"
"To the Airport"
"....yes sir"
He sped away leaving a trail of dust, on day one I was in this very taxi fearing for my life but now I had no seatbelt on leaning between the front two seats screaming pace notes like a rally co-driver as he took me on a shortcut through the slums. Just as we approached the airport he pointed at the Sky "yes sir," sure enough Emirates flight EK19 was in the sky without me. But at least I was well rested.

Well I'm home now so the financial, emotional and chronological loss is irrelevant but what is important is that on the flight from Bangalore to Dubai I got absolutely owned for domination of the central arm rest. But in my defence it was an away game, my moral was low and I'm left handed... However on the flight from Dubai to Manchester it was no contest, I was in high spirits, I'd had a very successful trip to India and in the face of adversity I was nearly home, the central arm rest was only ever going to be mine!!

News for Dummies 12/7

A huge thank you to Daniel Sloss for keeping you all tuned into current affairs for an extra day due to me watching my flight home from India take off while I was still in the taxi to the airport coz I'm a fucking moron (less about that now Travel blog to follow).

But I hear you ask "Why is Daniel so angry??" Look he's just fresh out of his teenage years and he was one of those kids that got tall too quick and moved awkwardly like he was being puppeteered by a stroke victim. So he had to watch all the hot birds from his school get picked up at the gates by older kids with Renault Clio's while he went home to furiously masturbate over that glimpse of cleavage he saw through the button hole of a girls school blouse. Well now he's older and grew into his limbs he feels like the adult world owes him something, and it has paid him back tenfold... he can have all the teenage girls he likes now that he's the Justin Bieber of British Comedy!!

From the start of the fringe in August to the end of his tour in December Daniel and I will be doing a weekly podcast which will be posted on this site, also come and see us live if you haven't already... in fact even if you have (links at the foot of the page)

Now for the News:

one from "The Times of India"
A police officer dismissed a rape case and said he would come back to it because it was the first case of his shift and didn't want to start the day with it; I'm sure the victim didn't want to start her day with rape either but unfortunately one of the main criteria's of rape is that it "Isn't" optional. I didn't want to start my blog on the topic but unlike the policeman in question, I couldn't let this story pass me by!

The Beckham's have named they're baby girl Harper Seven Backham; after a quick google of baby Harper's initials H7B I discovered she is named after a popular bulldozer that is reviewed as reliable, a little bit slow and when it gets older you can't stop the thing rattling.

Bent Royal Police (the corrupt kind not the gay kind) tried to sell The Queens contacts to the News of the World; this is disgusting, without her contacts the queen wouldn't be able to find her address book. And what's the point in selling them to the NoTW? They might as well have sold them to Woolworths

The French writer who accused Dominique Srauss-Kahn of trying to rape her was interviewed yesterday (it was in the mid afternoon, they'd already done a speeding ticket and arrested a man for scrumping apples) She claimed he was like a "Rutting Chimpanzee" Now this is amazing because there is a famous YouTube viral video where a Chimpanzee rapes a frog.... and she is French!!

The USA embassy in Syria was attacked by a mob with a battering ram, this will confuse any Scottish readers I've accumulated over Daniel's time guest writing, as they may consider a "battering ram" to be a deep fried male sheep and will struggle get their head around how you could attack an embassy with a snack.

A man in Oxfordshire is accused of beheading a restaurant owner, with a cheese knife!! A cheese Knife??? Seriously of all the weapons to behead some one with he chose a cheese knife.... He must be fucking Crackers that bloke!! That's the sort of story that gives you nightmares, my stomach is churning just thinking about it, o.k. these jokes are getting cheesy now.

An 82 year old man was tazered by police when he refused to put down a meat cleaver in his bungalow in West London. He is current-ly trying to remain positive even though it hertz and said it's up to him how he conduct his business, o.k. these jokes are getting shocking now.

An international science team has decoded the genome of a potato.... <raises one eyebrow> <puts down newspaper>

What fucking day is it??? I'll be back tomorrow once I've had some sleep!!

Oh and please buy tickets for my fringe show, I want to see what you all look like: 

or if you can't make it to Edinburgh me and Daniel will come to you on his tour:

Monday, 11 July 2011

News for Dummies 11/7 - Guest written by Daniel Sloss

Well… I’m back doing Kais blog because, guess what, the thick Geordie R-tard missed his flight from India and is so, is still there, “Alreet! Ye, no ah wes total confused likes. Coz de boarding pass said that it was an online check-in and I was waiting for them to come pick up me bags and they didnah. And it said me flight was at 300 hours, and ah got oot me calculater and worked out that’s 12 and a half days. Ah wiz lyk dats well ages away, turns out it meant three in the morning! Weird Indian time eh” Fucking moron.

Victoria has popped out another child and this time it’s a girl called Harper 7. You know you’ve had too many children when you have to start numbering them.

The last issue of NOTW when out at the weekend and racists and bigots everywhere weeped their cold dead illiterate hearts out. People seem to be feeling sorry for some journalists who weren’t involved in the scandal who will lose their jobs. I don’t, they were still journalists for NOTW. You should’ve felt sorry for them 15 years where they sat down after long hard days of research, writing, questioning and reading for an article that’s had a month of preparation, sat down and gone “Fuck it, I’ll work for News of the World.”

Couples at T in the park were told off for having sex on the giant ferris wheel. I think having sex on theme park rides is amazing. I always have a little bit of sexy-time on the house of horrors. Because nobody comes running when they hear a scream.

Sick kids at hospitals can now sign up on courses to be stand up comedians. I think this is a great idea, because in order to be a comedian you need to be sick. And like most new comedians, they’ll already know how bad the experience of dying is…

A shop assistant was fired from her job for looking too ghetto. Shan-ee-kwa was quoted as saying “Dat is well racism innit blood? How dare she! Who dus she fink she is that she can wok all over me. Uh uh! Ain’t happening. Dats what happens when u iz black.” despite the fact that she is as white as an altar boys tonsils.

Peanut allergy can be cured by peanuts say doctors. They found this out after giving patients peanut protein. Is it just me or does it sound like those doctors were bullying those kids and then worked it out? “HA! This kid has got peanut allergy, quick get me some walnuts… Oh a cure… Yeah… we uhhh meant that.” I wouldn’t be surprised if they later found out the cure for cancer is “Stop hitting yourself… Stop hitting yourself.”

Well. That’s the news for today. I hope you enjoy. If you didn’t just picture Kai with his thick as fuck Geordie accent trying to have a conversation with a local Indian air hostess. LOLOLOL he sounds ridiculous.

Friday, 8 July 2011

News for Dummies 8/7 - Guest written by Daniel Sloss

It’s Friday, Friday gotta get down on Friday. Gotta have my cereal and ride in a car in the front seat or some shit like that. God… Rebecca Black really has ruined one of the best days of the week. How is that possible? Let’s hope she doesn’t make a song about Holly Willoughbys tits.

The News of the World is dead. It’s gone. It’s last issue is to be on Sunday. Like it makes a difference. The Sun is still run by Richard or Rupert Murdoch or what ever the twats name is. It’s still the same newspaper with the same morals and ethics. It’s the equivalent of me raping someone, and then coming back 2 hours later with a monocle and drawn on moustache saying, “My! What an awful thing for a man to do! Oh I hate those types of people.”

 Amii (another girl whose parents can’t spell for shit <see yesterdays NFD>) from Birmingham, todays topless model, has stayed strangely quiet about her opinions on the News of the World scandal, and instead opted to talk about T in the Park. It’s a wise choice. You know what they say, “Don’t bite the hand that gropes and fingers you a little bit so you can make your way into the topless modelling industry”

Harry Potter has ended. The last film is out. And I know you’re all expecting me to make some sarcastic, vile horrible comment about how the films are shit and how Ron Weasley is ginger. But I actually quite enjoyed the whole Harry Potter thing. One of the biggest selling books of all time, along with the bible, and both have the same credibility. The films were a bit shit at sometimes and Emma Watson only ever acted with her eyebrows (down for angry, up for surprised, midway for happiness). The books were good, pointlessy long, but still good. Go read the 4th one again. And I promise you, there is an entire paragraph that describes a fork… Not an important fork, just a normal everyday fucking fork. But yeh, by Harry Potter it was fun… Also, Ron Weasley is ginger.

A 10 year old lad is tipped to be a star golfer even though he only has one hand. Doctors gave him a bionic one (not a cool, robotic one that aims and shit. It’s kind of like a fisting hand, but without the lube) and now he plays regularly. I think that is awesome, and he has an excuse for any future affairs he has unlike Tiger Woods. “What? I was just… Ughh… Oiling it… yeh, the joints were getting stiff…” and instead of giving a girl HIV or AIDs he’d just give her WD40.

There’s a group of absolute heroes, the dirty bomb squad, in the paper. These are men who disarm bombs for a living, fucking LEGENDS. Though when I hear the words “dirty bomb squad” I do picture them having filthy sex chat while disarming it. “Oh… Look at you, you filthy slut. I bet you want to blow these people away. Well that’s not gonna happen. Coz daddy is gonna stick his tool in you and make sure you never work again…Aww yeah!! Cut the blue wire! AHHH THAT WAS A VEIN!!!” Moral: Never have sex with bombs.

A thug who tried to shoot a footballer has managed to get a mobile phone in jail and has been posting about how “buff” he is and posting pictures on Facebook. With posts such as “am away fur a shower in ma en-sweet, be no many ae ye can say that haha livin t dream big time” we can all rest assure, with out a shadow of a doubt, that he is definitely a criminal. I’m actually offended by that whole sentence, Carol Vorderman would shoot herself in the face if she saw that. Jesus fucking Christ. I feel sorry for the spell check on his phone. It must feel more violated than he was.

Lack of food, lack of clean water, cramped conditions, poor sleeping conditions, awful sanitation and thousands of diseases being transmitted. Africa? No no. T in the Park. A weekend where thousands of people pay £500 to go and live in poverty. All the celebrities there aren’t visiting to do gigs, they’re actually just there to raise awareness of the poor conditions these people live in.

A gay friend of Jordan has laughed off claims that he is the reason for her relationships breaking up, he said “No no, it’s because she’s easier to get into than Napier University.”

Kerry Katona has revealed that she has found a new way of keeping men away from her. By being Kerry Katona.

Well, that seems to be all the news for today. I might be back on Monday, but Kai might be back so who knows? I hope to be back, it’s fun being a dickhead. LOVE YOU ALL KISS UR FACE GROPES UR NOSE KISS KISS FONDLE.

Thursday, 7 July 2011

News for Dummies 7/7 - Guest written by Daniel Sloss

OH YAY!!! It’s me, Daniel Sloss. And I’m back for another half-arsed take over of Kais carefully crafted blog. YAY!!! EVERYONE SAY YAY! YAY! God.

Sorry it's late, but like I said to my girlfriend when her period was late, better late than never.

Where is Kai now? He’s in India I think. I’d love to see him do a gig there, “Alreet India! You well? Ahh dya knaw when yer outside n yer lass is all mingin an cald and ye dinna have a jumper? Naw? Ahh, dye ken Sheeras a legend! Ahh GAZZAA!!! AHHHHHHHHH” because that’s what all Geordies sound like.

I was originally worried about Kai's venture to India as I know British people are susceptible to “Dehli Belly”. Then I wasn’t worried, because I remember Kai showing me a picture of Dolmios Bolognaise sauce that had been dropped in the toilet. He then revealed that this was, in fact, his turd from that morning… The vision still haunts me.

Staci, who is a topless model, spells her name wrong. She is one of these people who think they are “quirky” and “cooky” because their parents were illiterate or dyslexic. She’s also a Geordie like Kai. Who’s parents were actually trying to spell Kyle. And Geordie girls a lot like homework, it’s a lot easier if you do them on buses on the way to school.

The phone hacking scandal is still going on. Basically, as we knew,  News of the world are cunts. It’s happened to celebs too, like Sienna Miller. But that was a massive misunderstanding, originally they were having a chat about her, and one journalist said “I’d tap that.”

And this just in (that’s what she said): News of the World are no longer a newspaper. The last edition will be on Sunday. There is a massive uproar from the regular readers who are upset that they will no longer know which race of people to hate and what their opinions on politics are.

A stand-up comedian, who I haven’t met on the circuit yet, is said to have posted sinister messages on Twitter. It’s regarding people building houses and he said on that he’d like to kill them all. What a disgrace! How disgusting! A comedian exaggerating to get to a point. Imagine that! That’s worse than what Hitler did! That’s awful. I hope he gets AIDs! Face Aids. So that girls spit on him when they walk past. Coz that’s what he deserved… We should bomb his house… Grow up people. They’re just words. If I had to carry out every threat I ever made online, I’d be the worlds biggest murderer, and I would have fucked a shit load of mums.

Rio Ferdinand has had 10 affairs and everyones all sad because footballers never do that. One of the woman he had an affair with said, “He was just so sexy! I’ve always liked a black man. Is he black? I think he is… Well, not like Samuel L Jackson or Morgan Freeman black you know, more like Lewis Hamilton black. Mind you he could be white… Maybe it’s a tan. Caribbean? You can get a tan there… Is he? God dammit… Where is The Rock from? He’s kinda like that… Anyway, he was a good pump.”

A man who drowned in a lochs girlfriend has revealed she is pregnant with his baby. She has now ruled out a water birth. Just in case he’s like his dad.

Andy Murray was mobbed by 2000 fans when he visited Paisley. Murray said he enjoyed greeting all the people in Paisley as it was nice to finally meet other people who had equal trouble making facial expressions. Seriously, he’s got the emotional range of Keanu Reeves after a stroke.

Some schools are set to ban certain games from the playground as they are too dangerous. I used to love playing Cops and Robbers when I was young. But because I’m from Fife it was actually called Tha Polis! vs. Frazer Mitchells dad.

I have actually lost my newspaper now. I stopped midway and now I can’t find it.

I guess I’ll just have to make shit up. Lets call it MAD LIB news! I’ll get a standard sentence, takeout the key points and people at home can make up their own news. It’ll be like writing for The Sun.

<Celebrity> has <adverb> revealed that despite his/her <noun> there were no <profession> involved.

<Cunty footballer> has gone and <verbed> his <body part> up a <noun> in <other county footballers> garden.

<Ethnicity> are the reason there is no <noun>, what a bunch of <plural noun>

I’ve found a local paper now. They’re going to try and clean out the caves. I think they should, there are some awesome cave paintings in there. One is a couple of symbols which dictate that the early settlers hunted as opposed to fish, and the other is a set of letters that lets us know that “Debbie loves Kyle” and that “Ally is a dick”.

Well. That’s todays news done! It’ll be better tomorrow, I promise.

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

News for Dummies 6/7

I aint got much time so here goes....

Controversy as a new lottery where the prize is IVF treatment, is commissioned; This is nuts, if I ever play the sex lottery I'd sooner win the Chlamydia than the kid, they've got the prizes in the wrong order...shit if it's a roll over to they get Aids too??

Critics say the game should be aborted.

Just before the camera man got right hooked in the face!!

Man City's Italian striker Mario Balotelli is slated for wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a knife on it; look this doesn't mean he has one in his pocket or condones people carrying them. He also had a Man City badge on his shirt the other day but it doesn't mean he has a piece of shit in his pocket or condones people carrying pieces of shit (although he probably did)

BBC news bulletins could be disrupted later this month due to strike action; Expect my news blog to be through the early news media of "word of mouth" later in the month
"According to my mate Steve his Uncle Tony went to school with Nick Clegg an said he still breast fed at the age of 15... this well explain why he's still sucking up to a right tit at the age of 44." 

Josh Miller, 12 was found hiding under his home after being missing for 9 days; I'm going to try this but I think the couple in the flat downstairs will be livid when they get in from work (BOOOM a call-back to a joke from Mondays blog for you avid readers!!)

A King Charles Spaniel was bitten by an adder and died in a back garden;  I misread that at first and thought Prince Charles' Spaniel had been bitten by a snake. But don't worry Camilla is fine!

A mum in Carlisle left her 3 kids in the car for 45 minutes at 104*F; add some steamed veg and a peppercorn sauce and that sounds delicious. (NB: the kids are fine they just have BO)

Scientist are working on a hearing aid type device for your nose to increase your sense of smell; you can't turn your nose up at that.... well you can!!

Well I've been packing all morning and I've gotta hit the road but as always I found time for you, off to India tomorrow so you will have the pleasure of Daniel's company again!! I can't wait to read them myself.

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

News for Dummies 5/7

Carlos Tevez has requested to leave City because his wife doesn't want to move to Manchester; Sharron Tevez has made it clear she isn't leaving her flat in Runcorn as it is perfectly placed between Odd Bins and Mario's Pizza and right next to the bus station if she ever needs to pop to Warrington for some bits and bobs.

Page 3 girl Poppy, 20, from Somerset has got shit tits; surely "Mint tits" is a minimum requirement to make it onto page 3. 

Half of UK families are broke having no money left after the bills come in; then why start a family??? Love: making people bite off more than they can chew since Adam and Eve!!

A pill designed to help you quit smoking can put you at risk of a Heart Attack or Stroke; Next we'll find out chemotherapy gives you Aids and Canesten Duo gives you Herpes!!
I got carried away while trimming my baw-bag this morning and ended up shaving my arse crack. I'm going to regret that in a couple of days!! (TMI??)

You didn't want to be a fly on the wall in my house thismorning!

800 Trolleys worth £80 each were stolen from an Asda in Essex; although the people of Essex just thought they were whoops'd and flocked to buy them for £1 each.

A school prom in Colchester was brought forward 5 days as it clashed with a pupils operation as brave Megan Parker was due to go in for surgery on the same day; The lads in the school all agree the Prom should have been put back 5 days, not forward, so they could all have enjoyed Megan's new tits.

A fraudster got away with stealing over £630'000 in a series of scams using 128 fake ID's... The man was black and the people checking these ID's were clearly massive racists, he physically can't look the same as 128 other people surely!!?

A teacher at a school in Lincoln has been suspended for sending a pupil a valentine’s card; This is fucking down-right disgraceful... who on earth would do such a thing... send a valentines card in July???

It's my birthday today so make me this happy by sharing my b-l-o double G on facebook and twitter!!

.......look I know it's only one G but so is Dog!!