Friday, 8 July 2011

News for Dummies 8/7 - Guest written by Daniel Sloss

It’s Friday, Friday gotta get down on Friday. Gotta have my cereal and ride in a car in the front seat or some shit like that. God… Rebecca Black really has ruined one of the best days of the week. How is that possible? Let’s hope she doesn’t make a song about Holly Willoughbys tits.

The News of the World is dead. It’s gone. It’s last issue is to be on Sunday. Like it makes a difference. The Sun is still run by Richard or Rupert Murdoch or what ever the twats name is. It’s still the same newspaper with the same morals and ethics. It’s the equivalent of me raping someone, and then coming back 2 hours later with a monocle and drawn on moustache saying, “My! What an awful thing for a man to do! Oh I hate those types of people.”

 Amii (another girl whose parents can’t spell for shit <see yesterdays NFD>) from Birmingham, todays topless model, has stayed strangely quiet about her opinions on the News of the World scandal, and instead opted to talk about T in the Park. It’s a wise choice. You know what they say, “Don’t bite the hand that gropes and fingers you a little bit so you can make your way into the topless modelling industry”

Harry Potter has ended. The last film is out. And I know you’re all expecting me to make some sarcastic, vile horrible comment about how the films are shit and how Ron Weasley is ginger. But I actually quite enjoyed the whole Harry Potter thing. One of the biggest selling books of all time, along with the bible, and both have the same credibility. The films were a bit shit at sometimes and Emma Watson only ever acted with her eyebrows (down for angry, up for surprised, midway for happiness). The books were good, pointlessy long, but still good. Go read the 4th one again. And I promise you, there is an entire paragraph that describes a fork… Not an important fork, just a normal everyday fucking fork. But yeh, by Harry Potter it was fun… Also, Ron Weasley is ginger.

A 10 year old lad is tipped to be a star golfer even though he only has one hand. Doctors gave him a bionic one (not a cool, robotic one that aims and shit. It’s kind of like a fisting hand, but without the lube) and now he plays regularly. I think that is awesome, and he has an excuse for any future affairs he has unlike Tiger Woods. “What? I was just… Ughh… Oiling it… yeh, the joints were getting stiff…” and instead of giving a girl HIV or AIDs he’d just give her WD40.

There’s a group of absolute heroes, the dirty bomb squad, in the paper. These are men who disarm bombs for a living, fucking LEGENDS. Though when I hear the words “dirty bomb squad” I do picture them having filthy sex chat while disarming it. “Oh… Look at you, you filthy slut. I bet you want to blow these people away. Well that’s not gonna happen. Coz daddy is gonna stick his tool in you and make sure you never work again…Aww yeah!! Cut the blue wire! AHHH THAT WAS A VEIN!!!” Moral: Never have sex with bombs.

A thug who tried to shoot a footballer has managed to get a mobile phone in jail and has been posting about how “buff” he is and posting pictures on Facebook. With posts such as “am away fur a shower in ma en-sweet, be no many ae ye can say that haha livin t dream big time” we can all rest assure, with out a shadow of a doubt, that he is definitely a criminal. I’m actually offended by that whole sentence, Carol Vorderman would shoot herself in the face if she saw that. Jesus fucking Christ. I feel sorry for the spell check on his phone. It must feel more violated than he was.

Lack of food, lack of clean water, cramped conditions, poor sleeping conditions, awful sanitation and thousands of diseases being transmitted. Africa? No no. T in the Park. A weekend where thousands of people pay £500 to go and live in poverty. All the celebrities there aren’t visiting to do gigs, they’re actually just there to raise awareness of the poor conditions these people live in.

A gay friend of Jordan has laughed off claims that he is the reason for her relationships breaking up, he said “No no, it’s because she’s easier to get into than Napier University.”

Kerry Katona has revealed that she has found a new way of keeping men away from her. By being Kerry Katona.

Well, that seems to be all the news for today. I might be back on Monday, but Kai might be back so who knows? I hope to be back, it’s fun being a dickhead. LOVE YOU ALL KISS UR FACE GROPES UR NOSE KISS KISS FONDLE.

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