Tuesday, 26 July 2011

News for Dummies 26/7

Amy Winehouse will be cremated today and her ashes will be mingled with those of her grandmother; first Valerie and now Cynthia, even beyond the grave she can't stop remixing old classics

Amy's father Mitch Winehouse instantly contacted his Psychic friend Sally Morgan within minutes of hearing of his daughters death; I think it was to find out her bank details to transfer the money over from their bet.

Extra large toilet seats are on sale as obese Brits are growing to big for the standard standard size; This is great news for my mate Joe Gillis, not that he's overweight just he's always wanted to enter a Gurning Competition but couldn't find anything big enough to fit his MASSIVE head through:

Standard gurning platform

Joe Gillis delighted at the new toilet seats that fit his head.
1:10000000 Scale photo

I'm starting to think we're robbing Peter to pay Paulodopolous as we send money to Greece and now Somalia when our own tramps are struggling to pay for their crack!

Steven Speilburg has been fined for terrorising a beach on his speedboat; the same holiday makers that complained want to feel lucky they weren't sunbathing the day he tipped up to shoot the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan.

5 Afghan kids are hurt in a British airstrike; I'm sorry but if 5 British kids got hurt in an Afghan airstrike there'd be hell on!

7 Teenagers were seriously injured by a Bear; I'm sorry but if 7 bears were seriously injured by a teenager there'd be hell on!

The Oslo Massacre madman Anders Breivik smirked as he left the courtroom yesterday; but you know what, I smirked back, because I know he's going to get fucked up the arse in prison!

Dundee United footballer David GOODWILLIE has been cleared of rape allegations; David comes from a long line of Goodwillie's who's family name originated from his ancestors remarkable reputations for not doing bad things with their willies. Tracy Easyfoof has dropped the charges against him.

The story of the Chillian miners is being made into a movie but the producer Darren Aronofsky has been beat too it; I watched 33 men get stuck into a black hole on pornhub last night! 

I had a few stories brought to my attention by readers today; as I just have a scan of the news a lot of good stories slip the net so do get in touch if you find a gem!! Tweet @kaihumphries or get me on facebook!!

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