Thursday, 7 July 2011

News for Dummies 7/7 - Guest written by Daniel Sloss

OH YAY!!! It’s me, Daniel Sloss. And I’m back for another half-arsed take over of Kais carefully crafted blog. YAY!!! EVERYONE SAY YAY! YAY! God.

Sorry it's late, but like I said to my girlfriend when her period was late, better late than never.

Where is Kai now? He’s in India I think. I’d love to see him do a gig there, “Alreet India! You well? Ahh dya knaw when yer outside n yer lass is all mingin an cald and ye dinna have a jumper? Naw? Ahh, dye ken Sheeras a legend! Ahh GAZZAA!!! AHHHHHHHHH” because that’s what all Geordies sound like.

I was originally worried about Kai's venture to India as I know British people are susceptible to “Dehli Belly”. Then I wasn’t worried, because I remember Kai showing me a picture of Dolmios Bolognaise sauce that had been dropped in the toilet. He then revealed that this was, in fact, his turd from that morning… The vision still haunts me.

Staci, who is a topless model, spells her name wrong. She is one of these people who think they are “quirky” and “cooky” because their parents were illiterate or dyslexic. She’s also a Geordie like Kai. Who’s parents were actually trying to spell Kyle. And Geordie girls a lot like homework, it’s a lot easier if you do them on buses on the way to school.

The phone hacking scandal is still going on. Basically, as we knew,  News of the world are cunts. It’s happened to celebs too, like Sienna Miller. But that was a massive misunderstanding, originally they were having a chat about her, and one journalist said “I’d tap that.”

And this just in (that’s what she said): News of the World are no longer a newspaper. The last edition will be on Sunday. There is a massive uproar from the regular readers who are upset that they will no longer know which race of people to hate and what their opinions on politics are.

A stand-up comedian, who I haven’t met on the circuit yet, is said to have posted sinister messages on Twitter. It’s regarding people building houses and he said on that he’d like to kill them all. What a disgrace! How disgusting! A comedian exaggerating to get to a point. Imagine that! That’s worse than what Hitler did! That’s awful. I hope he gets AIDs! Face Aids. So that girls spit on him when they walk past. Coz that’s what he deserved… We should bomb his house… Grow up people. They’re just words. If I had to carry out every threat I ever made online, I’d be the worlds biggest murderer, and I would have fucked a shit load of mums.

Rio Ferdinand has had 10 affairs and everyones all sad because footballers never do that. One of the woman he had an affair with said, “He was just so sexy! I’ve always liked a black man. Is he black? I think he is… Well, not like Samuel L Jackson or Morgan Freeman black you know, more like Lewis Hamilton black. Mind you he could be white… Maybe it’s a tan. Caribbean? You can get a tan there… Is he? God dammit… Where is The Rock from? He’s kinda like that… Anyway, he was a good pump.”

A man who drowned in a lochs girlfriend has revealed she is pregnant with his baby. She has now ruled out a water birth. Just in case he’s like his dad.

Andy Murray was mobbed by 2000 fans when he visited Paisley. Murray said he enjoyed greeting all the people in Paisley as it was nice to finally meet other people who had equal trouble making facial expressions. Seriously, he’s got the emotional range of Keanu Reeves after a stroke.

Some schools are set to ban certain games from the playground as they are too dangerous. I used to love playing Cops and Robbers when I was young. But because I’m from Fife it was actually called Tha Polis! vs. Frazer Mitchells dad.

I have actually lost my newspaper now. I stopped midway and now I can’t find it.

I guess I’ll just have to make shit up. Lets call it MAD LIB news! I’ll get a standard sentence, takeout the key points and people at home can make up their own news. It’ll be like writing for The Sun.

<Celebrity> has <adverb> revealed that despite his/her <noun> there were no <profession> involved.

<Cunty footballer> has gone and <verbed> his <body part> up a <noun> in <other county footballers> garden.

<Ethnicity> are the reason there is no <noun>, what a bunch of <plural noun>

I’ve found a local paper now. They’re going to try and clean out the caves. I think they should, there are some awesome cave paintings in there. One is a couple of symbols which dictate that the early settlers hunted as opposed to fish, and the other is a set of letters that lets us know that “Debbie loves Kyle” and that “Ally is a dick”.

Well. That’s todays news done! It’ll be better tomorrow, I promise.

No comments:

Post a Comment