News for Dummies 18/7

I'm late in posting today because I had to attend a speed awareness course, it's not that it ran late it just took me ages to get back home from it after my brainwashing.

This is what I learned:

• 30mph you will have time to stop if someone steps in the road...
• 40mph you will kill someone who steps in the road...
• 80mph you will pass them before the even think about stepping into the road!!

British troops were ill equipped and under resourced when they were sent to Helmand to take on the Taliban; Wait a minute, the Taliban turned up wearing towling robes and flip-flops and we claim we were under equipped?? For fuck sake are we sending our troops in naked with water pistols???

A school had to close a week before the end of term because gypsies set up camp in the school field; Mystic Meg spoke for the rest of the unemployed News of the World staff saying they have nowhere else to go!!

Cheryl Cole is in the papers AGAIN but I refuse to slag her off I'm a geordie and geordies love "Coal" and I'd love nothing more than for her to send her Canary down my Shaft....
*ahem*

Hack comedians have had to drop the joke: "I have got two kids, 3 and 7...... Silly names for kids HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" After the Beckhams have made numbering your kids quite popular.

Tesco is set to sell a Chilli so hot that the Indian army use them in weapons..... And we say our troops are under equipped!?

A jealous man killed his mate with a single punch after finding out he slept with his girlfriend; he slipped arsenic into the bowl and offered him the fruity drink as a truce.

A teenager was killed when he touched a metal washing line that had come into contact with a live cable; Whoever was responsible for this travesty should be hung out to dry.

A 26 year old women tracked down her long lost father on genes reunited and they ended up having an illicit affair; here are some pictures of their family tree:

Our trip to the woods...

Who's the Daddy???

Back tomorrow at the usual time of when I get out of bed!!