Monday, 11 July 2011

News for Dummies 11/7 - Guest written by Daniel Sloss

Well… I’m back doing Kais blog because, guess what, the thick Geordie R-tard missed his flight from India and is so, is still there, “Alreet! Ye, no ah wes total confused likes. Coz de boarding pass said that it was an online check-in and I was waiting for them to come pick up me bags and they didnah. And it said me flight was at 300 hours, and ah got oot me calculater and worked out that’s 12 and a half days. Ah wiz lyk dats well ages away, turns out it meant three in the morning! Weird Indian time eh” Fucking moron.

Victoria has popped out another child and this time it’s a girl called Harper 7. You know you’ve had too many children when you have to start numbering them.

The last issue of NOTW when out at the weekend and racists and bigots everywhere weeped their cold dead illiterate hearts out. People seem to be feeling sorry for some journalists who weren’t involved in the scandal who will lose their jobs. I don’t, they were still journalists for NOTW. You should’ve felt sorry for them 15 years where they sat down after long hard days of research, writing, questioning and reading for an article that’s had a month of preparation, sat down and gone “Fuck it, I’ll work for News of the World.”

Couples at T in the park were told off for having sex on the giant ferris wheel. I think having sex on theme park rides is amazing. I always have a little bit of sexy-time on the house of horrors. Because nobody comes running when they hear a scream.

Sick kids at hospitals can now sign up on courses to be stand up comedians. I think this is a great idea, because in order to be a comedian you need to be sick. And like most new comedians, they’ll already know how bad the experience of dying is…

A shop assistant was fired from her job for looking too ghetto. Shan-ee-kwa was quoted as saying “Dat is well racism innit blood? How dare she! Who dus she fink she is that she can wok all over me. Uh uh! Ain’t happening. Dats what happens when u iz black.” despite the fact that she is as white as an altar boys tonsils.

Peanut allergy can be cured by peanuts say doctors. They found this out after giving patients peanut protein. Is it just me or does it sound like those doctors were bullying those kids and then worked it out? “HA! This kid has got peanut allergy, quick get me some walnuts… Oh a cure… Yeah… we uhhh meant that.” I wouldn’t be surprised if they later found out the cure for cancer is “Stop hitting yourself… Stop hitting yourself.”

Well. That’s the news for today. I hope you enjoy. If you didn’t just picture Kai with his thick as fuck Geordie accent trying to have a conversation with a local Indian air hostess. LOLOLOL he sounds ridiculous.

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