Friday, 29 July 2011

News for Dummies 29/7

There was thought to have been a sighting off missing Madeleine McCann in Northern India; She better bloody not be, the emotional and financial stress I had to go through to get a Visa last month and they just let a fugitive come waltzing in?? I'd be sending a nasty letter to the high commission!

A 32 year old mother woke up with amnesia convinced she was a 15 year old school girl about to sit her GCSE's; Her husband is over the moon, he said "it's like all the excitement of fucking a schoolgirl but non of us are on a register!" ....Lindsey Lohan has already enquired weather they are going to make a movie about it!

It's funny because I went to Ridley High School in Blyth and I swear All of the teenage girls were 32 year old mothers anyway!

A top advisor to Ed Miliband claimed "Jesus would vote labour" 1) Jesus got murdered for his opinion 2) He lived in Jerusalem so wouldn't be eligable to vote; and 3) It wouldn't matter because his dad is clearly a Tori bastard, just look his suspect decision making and love for destruction. Not to mention him giving St.Peter a false sense of a coalition on heaven when really he's just using him like the bitch he is!

Britain are looking at the option of bringing in US style private sector help in to fight crime, like dog the bounty hunter and Boba-Fett; Not sure it would work in the UK, I think if The Durrrg come and tried to preach the lords ways to the Steroid and Sunbed (SAS) posse of Ashington he'd end up in a headlock! "do yee Knaaa who aaa Knaaa???"

1700 pupils are excluded from school every day; A rethink is in order I reckon. If being sent away from school is punishment, then who in their right mind is going to behave? Less of a joke more food for thought...

Enrique Iglesias ranted about having a tiny penis while on stage in Melbourne; I think he's trying to appeal to men with piles, it's a niche market.

Ginger Harry Potter star Ron Weasley (not his real name) is using his new found freedom to take up extreme sports; Like Sunbathing, walking through a school playground and drinking with his step-dad!!

Joe Pesci is suing a studio after he put on weight for the role then got dropped from the film; be careful lads this might mean all the ex girlfriends we dumped could sue us. (Note to Daniel Sloss: this doesn't count for you because you got dumped and she is still really really fit lol.... maybe you could sue her???)

Blogger Poppy Disney, 24, gets 90'000 hits a day for dressing differently each day and uploading a photo's... for fuck sake here's me thinking you wanted jokes!!! Go on then have your candy here is a picture of me wearing a Taliban uniform:

Fuck you Poppy Disney yada-yada-yada G-HUT!!

Anyway I'm off to catch my flight.... Tomorrow I'll be wearing prison overalls!!

If you're in Manchester I'm at The Comedy Store Tonight
If you're in Kilmarnock I'm at a theatre tomorrow (not sure it's name but I'm guessing there's only one)
If you're in South shields I'm at The Customs House on Sunday

THEN EDINBURGH BABY!!! .....why am I shouting??

No comments:

Post a Comment