Monday, 1 August 2011

News for Dummies 1/8

Shock figures reveal children as young as five have anorexia and bulimia; I think by figures they mean statistics not their physique... surely children as young as 5 don't have the option of what they eat and in these cases an eating disorder is used as an excuse for shit parenting, bulimia not so much, I guess you can't help it if your kid spews up its farlings rusk.

As of today anyone applying for a driving license will have to state whether they want to be an organ donor; This is British pessimism at it's finest "You want to get in a car??.... Dibs on your Kidneys mother fucker!!"

David and Victoria Beckham have made gold casts of their daughters hands and feet; this is all very cute but it makes me wonder why he got the nickname Golden Balls? It also makes me suspicious of the pendulum on his grandfather clock.

The sun has a new feature on it's website "Page360" where you can rotate the page 3 models 360 degrees; the first thing I did with this feature was shake her back and forward to see if her boobies wobbled (how childish) go on resist the urge to try it..... Page360 *remember to click "back" to continue reading

*you're back! I hope you washed your hands

An epileptic teenager was missing and feared dead last night after his canoe capsized; they struggled to find him in the choppy white waters, strangely the waters were calm and still before he went in.

A dog saved it's owners life who was trapped in rocks 200ft below by barking at passers by to warn them; I'm starting to think Barney the angry Doberman who I ran away from every morning on the way to school might have been trying to tell me something and not just after my marsbar. It's 20 years too late but someone should check on 31 Norham close...

A 42 year old man who pretended to be a cop to stop youths from terrorizing his pensioner dad is facing community service; the teenagers said it was very convincing the way he brutally assaulted them and planted drugs on their possession.

USA are in a Trillion dollars worth of Debt, England is in debt, Greece is in debt, the WORLD is in debt, the banks are all in debt, the police force in debt, NHS in debt.... but who could everyone possibly owe all this money too???

Turns out it's Chuck Norris!!!

That explains everything!!!

If you live in the North East you must come to Punch-Drunk Comedy in Cramlington to see Mark Nelson and The Noise Next Door tonight. Get in touch for more details on fb or @kaihumphries on twitter.

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