Saturday, 6 August 2011

News Flash-Back for dummies 28th July 1981

Big thank-you to Gav for looking after my blog yesterday with his razor sharp rants, when he mentioned turning 30 it reminded me, I bought him a Newspaper from the day he was born and obviously did a news for dummies based on the stories, it's very rude of me not to share it with you: Allow me to take you back to 28th July 1981....

Lady Dianna rehearsed her wedding ceremony wearing an old curtain rather than her vale yesterday; Rather than throwing a bouquet of flowers she rehearsed by throwing a handful of grass cuttings and then instead of practicing consummating the marriage with Charles she just fucked a ginger bloke.
Nancy Reagan who is over for the wedding said she is missing her husband President Ronald Reagan; In the mean time Ronny is missing Fidel Castro, with assassination attempts.
A change of weather could see smoke from tonight’s firework display blow smoke directly at the queen. But she’s a Royal she’s used to having smoke blown up her arse never mind in her face. Composer Handel will be performing the music for the display titled “Roman Candle in the Wind”
The wedding cake has been unveiled and is 5 foot tall; the cake is usually cut at the end of the ceremony so it’s safe to say that this wedding will end in tiers.
Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher announces a 7 point plan investing £500m into getting people off the Dole; when the bill was passed there was a typo on the plan and the word dole was accidentally typed as coal.
A 16 year old boy was jolted 25 feet when trying to get his Kestrel from an 11’000 volt power cable; He must have really wanted that can of larger.
A couple on their honey moon had to be rescued by the AA on the M6; It’s usually “Relate” that deal with marriage breakdowns. The only thing that got blown that night was a gasket! 
Two sausage rolls at Tesco are 25½p… ½ a P??? Maybe tesco are just simplifying the cost of 4 sausage rolls at 51p to make them look cheaper… maybe you can cut a 1p in half… maybe Gav really is that old!!
Brian Clough falls out with Nottingham Forrest Chiefs over Shilton…. But little did he know he would also fall out with Jabba the Hutt:

Now come back to the future and see my show in 2011 at the underbell in Edinburgh: click: flux-capacitor

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