News for Dummies 30/8

We're back after a brief hiatus of me being ill and bank-holiday Monday, despite me being in Scotland who decided not to join in with the long weekend because their banks didn't get looted therefore didn't need a holiday.

Gaddafi and his family flee in exile over the Libyan boarder; I tip them to head for Pakistan, if they get there that should buy them another decade right???

Beyonce has announced she is pregnant to rapper hubby Jay-Z; Jay-Z now has 99 new problems: Nappy's, Baby sitters, sleepless nights, choosing a name, breast or bottle, decorating the nursery, the bitch...

But the fact you're white is..... what's the next line of the song? "Hit me!"

Jeff Stelling has handed in his notice as the host for Chanel 4's longest running show, Countdown; A hand full of A-List celebrities have handed in their application but only because their names have very fitting anagrams:

Arnold Schwarzenegger: he’s grown large n’ crazed

Clint Eastwood: old west action

Jennifer Aniston: fine in torn jeans

Stevie Wonder: er, doesn’t view

But unfortunately not:

Princess Diana: end is a car spin

A strain of the deadly H5N1 Bird-Flu virus that is immune to the vaccines has already killed 8 people in Cambodia; nothing has that much immunity to the vaccines, play "post break up sex" loud enough and all the birds in audible range will pull their fucking feathers out!!

80 swimmers racing to raise money for the RNLI had to be rescued after being swept to sea by strong currents; Brilliant they were trying to raise money for the RNLI (Royal National LIFEBOAT Institution) well they certainly kept them in business. I might raise money for the famine in Somalia by going out there, starving myself and eating the rations from the airdrop.

A record was broken for the largest gathering of Robin Hood's as men donned tights in the 1'215 strong gathering in Nottingham; Only to find little over a month ago a larger group robbed from rich corporations to give to their poor families in the London riots, and now I've put it like that..... Robin Hood was a cunt!

Jessie Wallace jilted her lover at the alter; in a desperate bid for people to remember who she is.

Prisoner Ian Huntly is demanding guards play ping-pong with him non stop or he will kill himself; he only wants a paddle, which is exactly what he said when he first started running the bath!

Oh you missed me didn't you!?