Wednesday, 17 August 2011

News for Dummies 17/8

Pitts in the pits, Brad and Angelena arrive in Glasgow to shoot zombie flick World War Z; the film is set in the USA but they will save a fortune because instead of clearing the streets of LA and bringing in 1000’s of extras made up as zombies they will just film it outside the Garage nightclub at last orders!

Plans are in place to stop protesters starting an anti-Muslim march; protesters saw the success of movember last year and thought “anti-muslim march” would get their point across.

Tinie Tempah is to become a mentor on X-factor; if you ever find yourself taking advice from someone who calls himself “Tinie Tempah” my advice is that you kill yourself!

A woman won £250’000 on a scratch card while she was on the toilet; I hope she treated herself and wiped her arse with the towel! Last time I scratched something when I was in the bathroom all I won was a smelly finger!

A nurse has been fired because he give a patient a salt cellar instead of her inhaler; ironically this was filed as assault, the patient had a coughing fit but had to do it over her left shoulder for luck.

Breandan Vallance of the USA has broke a world record by completing a rubick’s cube in 9.91 seconds; but can he do it while telling dick jokes??? No!! You need to come to my show for that, click: Fuck Breandan Vallance!

Plans to build a space hotel orbiting the earth have been unveiled; you are urged to stay on the resort as venturing further afield can be very eye opening (Ive seen total recall)

A man emBarked on a tandem parachute jump with his pet dog; here are a handful of dare-devil animals because I am so hungover I've ran out of funny and it's easier than coming up with a joke (yes I am still hungover at 7pm)

A Meerkat on a Jetski

A Chick on a Skateboard

A mouse on a Death-wish

A Rat on a Surf-board

A Dog on Heroin

Some blue writing to signify the end of the blog.

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