Tuesday, 16 August 2011

News for Dummies 16/8

Lotto winning thug Michael Carrol tried to kill himself after squandering £9.7 million; How can you be labelled a winner when you can't even succeed in a suicide attempt, he should have saved a couple of quid for a hit man... got to admit though killing yourself must take some balls (6 of them apparently)

Thousands of sacks of food aid in Somalia have been stolen and sold on markets; Well that in my eyes is copy-cat looting, stop the aid, if they saw the riots on the news they clearly have TV's and don't need out help!!

Outrage as 5"7 Tom Cruise is cast as 6"5 action book hero John Reacher in the movie adaptation "One Shot" There is also controversy that John Reacher isn't a self absorbed, closet homosexual who believes the world is run by Lizard people that live under the earths crust (I think that's what scientolegists believe right??)

200 Tonnes of oil has leaked into the north sea.... How did they weigh it!??

Gangster Mark Duggan who was shot dead by cops at the spark of the riots was cheating on his wife with two women and one is pregnant; This is unbelievable he seemed like such a decent honest bloke. Looters will start taking stuff back to the shops when they read about this!

A motorist has been banned for a year after being caught using 2 mobile phones at the wheel; He was devastated to find out he could have talked to himself without them.

A pigskin football dating back to the 15 hundreds has been found in the rafters of Stirling castle. I reckon there will be a similar article in the year 2500 when they finally discover the Mitre Delta I lost in the allotments next to the bottom square in my mothers street circa 1993.

A distillery was evacuated after 10 tonnes of dangerous acid leaked from a storage tank.... How the fuck did they weigh it?????

"oh look we've spilt something, I wonder how much it weighs!!!" Stop weighing shit and get it cleaned up for fuck sake!!

Weetabix tops cereal sales surviving the economic slump; this is because people have been using it as a cheaper alternative to cement for home improvements such as driveways.

If you aint following me on twitter get on it @kaihumphries RT the blog and spread the news!!

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