News for Dummies 15/8

Loot from the riots in England is being sold in Scotland; this became apparent when people from Fife were reported to have colour televisions.

Property asking prices in Scotland have increased by 2.7% putting houses in Fife up to as much as £102.70p

Apologies to those from Fife but I've been in Scotland for 2 weeks and I am loving the reputation. One girl I met here quoted: "I'm a Fife girl if some-one lives near me who I haven't sucked off it probably means they're a dick"

Jonny Depp is to play the Lone Rangers' sidekick Tonto in the new movie; I hate to be pedantic but if he has a sidekick doesn't that make him The Accompanied Ranger?? And the fact Tonto is supposed to be a native American could make this film as cringe-worthy as the movie Short Circuit which cast a white man with of no Indian decent  as an Indian but just blacked him up and got him to wobble his head during his lines!

Mel Gibsons wife wants him to pay their son £300'000 damages as he was traumatized from watching them fight. In that case he owes me £300'000 because I watched "What Women Want" to similar consequences.

Porky singer Adele says her ultimate turn on is a man that can make her laugh; oh for fuck sake, I'm going to the job centre!! She's quite easy though because simply running up the stairs has her in stitches.

A 39 year old Milf died after her boob job; turns out she was lactose intolerant.

People are becoming increasingly lonely due to spending so much time on the Internet; that's you, you lonely cunt.... Yeah you! YOU!! Get some friends, you're so lonely you even got so bored of porn you resorted to reading a blog.

Oh I get it you're at work and the person sat next to you is an utter bell-end, as you were with your procrastinating!!

TV chef Gordan Ramsey referred to Prince William as a Bastard.... surely he meant Harry???

A mugger was spared jail because he helped his victim find his glasses?? I didn't realise there was a good deed release policy, would you get off with rape if you give them an orgasm in that case???

It's Monday and I'm signing off on a rape joke!! It's the fringe festival half way point today, click here if you wanna catch me in the second half!!

I nearly signed off without inserting a picture so here is a picture of 4 dwarfs dressed as the A-Team:

"I aint getting on no roller-coaster"

(a joke about height restrictions)