Friday, 5 August 2011

News for Dummies 5/8 - Guest written by Gav Humphries

Blindsiiiiiiiiide!!!  Kai is on best man duty today at the side of Mr.David Canham, who henceforth no longer has the right to make a single cunting decision influencing anything regarding the direction of his own life.  Today’s News for Dummies is therefore brought to you more eloquently than you may be acquainted with via the pissed off rants and ramblings of Gav Grizzly-Bear Humphries, buckle in bitches, this is Bear Faced Cheek!!

Todays headline news is that economies around the world are going into meltdown…And I’m going to do what all the newspapers fail to do this morning and that’s tell you why.  You see, it’s all to do with you bitches fucking like rabbits!!  Fucking like rabbits and making more and more and more shit people.   You see, there’s only a limited amount of jobs people can do and eventually there’s a fuckin’ boatload of surplus people who aint got shit to do, offering me fuck all skills or services, just sponging from the coffers like little bitches clinging on to the teat of life bleeding the economy dry!  You got all that?  Too much fucking, surplus people, too long on the tit, economy fucked…Consider yourselves experts in the field!!

Tory MP Nigel Evans was refused entry to his lodgings within the house of commons grounds by armed guards because he was in a rickshaw returning from a night on the piss…He was turned away time and time again as he tried to sneak in with varying modes of transport he forlornly hoped might be acceptable… 

Eventually he just donned a disguise….

The armed guards were like “Mr.T, Haway in mate, I didn’t realise it was you!!  Sorry pal!”

A policeman is saved from certain death at the hands of a crazed gunman when his radio deflected a bullet fired at him…Let’s be honest here, this is hardly a fluke is it?  Have you seen the amount of crap those police types have hanging from them, there like a fuckin’ walking bric-a-brac shop!  It’s the reason they never catch any cunt!  They might as well be dragging a tyre tied around their waste to boot like a fucking rugby training session.  If it wasn’t the radio that saved him, it could have been any one of an artillery of shite stuck to them like they’d fallen in glue and had an epileptic in Clare’s accessories!!

Amy Winehouse’s £2.5 million mansion in Camden will be converted into a rehab centre for crack addicts… Errrrm, my friends dad (Peter Tate, that’s you!) had this unique sense of humour that used to puzzle the shit out of people.  One of the things he used to do was let someone regurgitate a long winded story, and regardless of the content, deliver the stark reply…”So Fuck!!”  At first you were like “How rude, can you believe this guy!?”, but once you were in on the joke it was amazing!  Try it, next time somebody gets you in a choke hold with the trivial details of their crap day at the office, or your nanna has you in a full nelson  with a long winded story about how the economic crisis has affected the price of Custard Creams, just hit them with a big bad “So Fuck!”  Be warned though, it’s addictive!!

A women in medieval dress has terrified teens in a village in Sweden by firing steel tipped arrows at them with a longbow…Like that time when a Cessna light aircraft crashed into a high rise in New York, or when one of the Cochrane brothers pinched the 441 from Blyth Bus station, it seems that even the Norway massacre can’t escape it’s shit parody!  On that note, following in the footsteps of the Amy Winemansion, I will soon be converting my 2 bedroom apartment in Runcorn into a rehab centre for addiction to X-Box, weed, Monster munch, Jack Daniels and saying “So Fuck!!”

A window cleaner has admitted trying to hire a hitman to kill his wife, he was rumbled when the would be assassin he tried to employ to poison her with sleeping pills turned out to be an undercover cop…How fuckin’ unlucky have you got to be man, there you are sat innocently contemplating how you could murder your missus on a shoe-string budget.  You finally pluck up the courage to place an ad for an assassin in the local corner shop (who’s prices for advertising shit or quite extortionate by the way!), and the first reply you get turns out to be a cop with too much time on his hands trying to get some fuckin’ limelight!…What a cunt!!  I wouldn’t care, a longbow wielding Swedish lady had only offered her services the previous day but she couldn’t hit a fuckin’ barn door!  This is all by the by, who pays money for a sleeping pill assassin?  That’s got to be the crappest assassin ever!  If I ever decide to pop my missus off I want it done with a bazooka or a fuckin’ sledgehammer!  The sledgehammer assassin, that’s got a ring to it!!

Finally, I turned 30 last week!...”So Fuck!!” I here you cry.  Correct, so fuck man! 30 laps of the sun, who gives a fuck?  Which is why turning 30 isn’t the news, what is the news though is the gift I received from a friend, the gift of an acre of land on the moon with exclusive rights to all of it’s minerals.  Those educated, or pretentious discovery channel absorbing bitches like myself, will know that I could be sitting on a gold mine of Helium-3!!  Look it up!  But that’s nothing, I think this blue guy might be onto something, I bid you farewell, it’s been a fucking pleasure!!  I leave you with an all time classic, enjoy…

Click "Piss-Flaps" to go and see Kaibosh in Edinburgh
Click "Sausage-Wallet" to sponsor me grumbling all the way 'round The Lakes tomorrow in aid of "Help for Heroes"

Peace out xxx

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