Tuesday, 23 August 2011

News for Dummies 23/8

Kate Winslet had a lucky escape from a blaze in Richard Branson's home on the Virgin Islands, (when Kate Winslet visits however they just call them the islands) First the Titanic and now this, she should be acting in Final Destination (I use the term acting lightly)

A murder trial will be filmed for a channel 4 documentary; I'm sure c4 will do their best to spice up the otherwise long winded procedure by having celebrity judge Simon Cowell, celebrity....errrm celebrity, James Corden will be there for no reason and top it off with celebrity murderer Blake Fielder.

Edinburgh Council are compensating businesses up to quarter of a million for any trouble the tram project has caused; Where the hell do they get the money from??? Oh shit, comedy chums check your bank balance, it's from us!!

Ashley Cole serenaded Cheryl by singing to her on a Karaoke; Cheryl replied by doing a few kick ups.

There will be a 4p per litre fall in petrol prices if Gadaffi is killed; Oh now we're all war mongers!? We're all pretty civilized til you throw us a bargain, in fact tell us that if the queen dies the price of a Chomp goes back to 10p and you'd find her body in the woods by tomorrow morning!

Officials in Seychelles have drafted in a 90foot trawler to catch the shark that killed a British holiday maker earlier this month; what do they hope to achieve by catching it? oh they're going to trial it for murder in a channel 4 documentary!!

A British Elvis fan has went missing on her trip to an Elvis Presley convention in Graceland; her family are all shook up, they're pleading with police for a little less conversation and a little more action. Apparently this happens once in a blue moon and their suspicious minds have lead them to track her down with a hound dog. After all, it's now or never!

A thug who stabbed a man was caught because he looked like the Milky Bar Kid; now don't be fooled by the Milky Bar Kid's generosity with white chocolate he still is after all, a Cowboy. So when he isn't providing children with snacks he is drinking moonshine, hog-tying hookers to train tracks and evidently stabbing people outside the saloon!

Last week of the fringe festival bitches, if you're in Edinburgh come and listen to the words come out of my mouth, instead of just reading them every day with your eyes! >>Ticket info<<

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