Wednesday, 31 August 2011

News for Dummies 31/8

Stoke city have put in a bid for Tottenham's Peter Crouch; who'd have thought this would be such a popular one at the Vatican

Most cloths given to charity doorstep collections are sold abroad for private profit; aahhh I thought the luck-lucky man that sold me this broken watch in Magaluf was wearing my old Newcastle Goalkeeper top who knows it might even have actually been Shakka Hislop that was shouting "Chicken Nugget" into my face!

A school is giving out lap-tops to students who enrol in 6th form but they must hand the lap-tops back when they leave; this is the head of years way of getting pictures of all the 6th form girls in their underwear from the received files in all the boys' MSN messenger download folders. Less of a joke more of a fact.

Scientists claim they can make the Internet 10 times faster by using the thinnest material in the world instead of Silicone; but Madonna wont let us use her skin so we will have to wait until she dies.

A fair ground ride at Skegness pleasure beach collapsed crushing fair-goers underneath it; One on-looker described it as dreadful claiming "I could hear people underneath the ride screaming... but it just wouldn't go any faster"

Shorter than usual today but I've got shit to do, back tomorrow with your full dose... 

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

News for Dummies 30/8

We're back after a brief hiatus of me being ill and bank-holiday Monday, despite me being in Scotland who decided not to join in with the long weekend because their banks didn't get looted therefore didn't need a holiday.

Gaddafi and his family flee in exile over the Libyan boarder; I tip them to head for Pakistan, if they get there that should buy them another decade right???

Beyonce has announced she is pregnant to rapper hubby Jay-Z; Jay-Z now has 99 new problems: Nappy's, Baby sitters, sleepless nights, choosing a name, breast or bottle, decorating the nursery, the bitch...
But the fact you're white is..... what's the next line of the song? "Hit me!"

Jeff Stelling has handed in his notice as the host for Chanel 4's longest running show, Countdown; A hand full of A-List celebrities have handed in their application but only because their names have very fitting anagrams:

Arnold Schwarzenegger: he’s grown large n’ crazed
Clint Eastwood: old west action
Jennifer Aniston: fine in torn jeans
Stevie Wonder: er, doesn’t view

But unfortunately not:
Princess Diana: end is a car spin

A strain of the deadly H5N1 Bird-Flu virus that is immune to the vaccines has already killed 8 people in Cambodia; nothing has that much immunity to the vaccines, play "post break up sex" loud enough and all the birds in audible range will pull their fucking feathers out!!

80 swimmers racing to raise money for the RNLI had to be rescued after being swept to sea by strong currents; Brilliant they were trying to raise money for the RNLI (Royal National LIFEBOAT Institution) well they certainly kept them in business. I might raise money for the famine in Somalia by going out there, starving myself and eating the rations from the airdrop.

A record was broken for the largest gathering of Robin Hood's as men donned tights in the 1'215 strong gathering in Nottingham; Only to find little over a month ago a larger group robbed from rich corporations to give to their poor families in the London riots, and now I've put it like that..... Robin Hood was a cunt!

Jessie Wallace jilted her lover at the alter; in a desperate bid for people to remember who she is.

Prisoner Ian Huntly is demanding guards play ping-pong with him non stop or he will kill himself; he only wants a paddle, which is exactly what he said when he first started running the bath!

Oh you missed me didn't you!?

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

News for Dummies 23/8

Kate Winslet had a lucky escape from a blaze in Richard Branson's home on the Virgin Islands, (when Kate Winslet visits however they just call them the islands) First the Titanic and now this, she should be acting in Final Destination (I use the term acting lightly)

A murder trial will be filmed for a channel 4 documentary; I'm sure c4 will do their best to spice up the otherwise long winded procedure by having celebrity judge Simon Cowell, celebrity....errrm celebrity, James Corden will be there for no reason and top it off with celebrity murderer Blake Fielder.

Edinburgh Council are compensating businesses up to quarter of a million for any trouble the tram project has caused; Where the hell do they get the money from??? Oh shit, comedy chums check your bank balance, it's from us!!

Ashley Cole serenaded Cheryl by singing to her on a Karaoke; Cheryl replied by doing a few kick ups.

There will be a 4p per litre fall in petrol prices if Gadaffi is killed; Oh now we're all war mongers!? We're all pretty civilized til you throw us a bargain, in fact tell us that if the queen dies the price of a Chomp goes back to 10p and you'd find her body in the woods by tomorrow morning!

Officials in Seychelles have drafted in a 90foot trawler to catch the shark that killed a British holiday maker earlier this month; what do they hope to achieve by catching it? oh they're going to trial it for murder in a channel 4 documentary!!

A British Elvis fan has went missing on her trip to an Elvis Presley convention in Graceland; her family are all shook up, they're pleading with police for a little less conversation and a little more action. Apparently this happens once in a blue moon and their suspicious minds have lead them to track her down with a hound dog. After all, it's now or never!

A thug who stabbed a man was caught because he looked like the Milky Bar Kid; now don't be fooled by the Milky Bar Kid's generosity with white chocolate he still is after all, a Cowboy. So when he isn't providing children with snacks he is drinking moonshine, hog-tying hookers to train tracks and evidently stabbing people outside the saloon!

Last week of the fringe festival bitches, if you're in Edinburgh come and listen to the words come out of my mouth, instead of just reading them every day with your eyes! >>Ticket info<<

Monday, 22 August 2011

News for Dummies 22/8

Statistics show that half of Brits accidentally drive on the wrong side of the road when abroad; now get this, half of Brits are Women!! Coincidence?

A football match was abandoned in Mexico after a gunman opened fire outside of the stadium; there won't be a rematch as such they will decide the result with a shoot-out.

Villagers in the New Forest blamed kids for turning road signs the wrong way but it turned out to be cows and ponies; Goats get the blame for everything, they're like the Jew's pf the animal kingdom.

I google imaged "Jew Goat" hoping I would find a goat with curly side-boards like this....

you're kidding!!

But instead I found this.... 
which is naughty!!

The King and Queen of Sweden were asked to leave a restaurant because there wasn't enough tables; which is ironic because it was the one at the end of Ikea and they had to walk past hundreds of tables to get there.

A Scunthorpe man was taken to hospital after a 1 ton bale of straw fell on him; His mates now call him "Camel"  (because it was the straw that broke his back dummies)

A record 12.6m people tuned into X-factor this weekend; the other 80% of the UK population just pressed a button on their remote, who the fuck is still tuning their telly in 2011??

Half of us can't point on a map where we last went on Holiday and a fifth of us get the Continent wrong; hmmmm half of us are women and two fifths of those women don't have a husband to give them clues! Coincidence??

Half of you found that joke misogynistic the other two thirds of you are having trouble with fractions, but it's o.k. you people don't know what misogynistic means so we're good!!

I'm just playing ladies you know I love you x

Friday, 19 August 2011

News for Dummies 19/8

Victoria Beckham cannot hold her baby due to having a bad back; David says he knows how she feels he never got to hold the World Cup due to having a bad back 4!

Mosquito's with immunity to insecticides could trigger a killer outbreak of malaria; The mozzies were first spotted in a gym in Ashington biting the steroid heads next thing we know they were tipping cars and looting shops, it was like Jumanji! And like the rioters they're fucking blood suckers!!

3 Asiatic Lions have been put down due to a spinal defect; Victoria Beckham read this news and shit herself.

(there is also a joke about David Beckham and 3 Lions in there but I'm in a hurry/lazy)

Alligator fat could be an alternative fuel source for cars; I think this is an elaborate ploy to get vegetarians of the road... so I hope they make it snappy. These cars will refuel at zebra crossings.

A tourist in London pushed a policeman in front of a bus; The bus driver was very confused initially he thought he'd woke up a speed bump.

Transport secretary Phillip Hammond spent £5000 of tax payers money on a sofa for his office; wait til they find out the price of the shrink that comes with it when he announces the Alligator Fuel plan!

A groom died by shark attack when he was on his honeymoon; but then he was a jet and he was singing and dancing on the wrong turf.

A fireman attacked one of his colleagues after discovering him in bed with his ex; he should have took the moral high ground, you don't fight fire-fighter with fire-fighter you'll only get burned, he was shocked to see a friend who he got along with like a house on fire in bed with an old flame, but I hope they sort it out, you know what they say.... Bro's before Hose!!!

Thursday, 18 August 2011

News for Dummies 18/8

Students got their A level results today and a few of my mates have been bragging that their girlfriends got 3 A's; My girlfriend has 34E's and I guarantee you can be more successful with those.
Tits McGee

A biker crashed before being run over by an ambulance; the fire-brigade arrived and set him on fire before the police turned up and sexually assaulted him. I think his phone was upside down and he called 666!

Warnings will be put on in flight movies that are considered to be tear jerkers because emotions are increased whilst flying; I always said movies are better when you're high!!

Old people are less likely to wear condoms if they have sex with someone they meet on holiday; this is largely because post-menopausal pregnancy is extremely rare and the fact it took old Jimmy 75 minutes to get a quarter chub, he isn't just going to kill it by suffocating the poor thing with shrink wrap. Not to mention the main threat of STD's is infertility, they couldn't give two squirts of piss. Literally!

French screen star Gerard Depardieus disgraced himself by publicly urinating in the aisle of an aeroplane; but said there was no warning of "heightened emotions" on the comedy he was watching and actually pissed himself laughing.

A Britain's Got Talent star faces jail after looting an Argos; Is that his talent? The ability to find what he is looking for in Argos without the aid of a catalogue, computer to put the special code into, a cashier, a retard at collection point B and 8 warehouse monkeys!!?? If you can walk into Argos and just take a telly... you deserve the telly!!

Kiss have been banned from a Michael Jackson tribute gig after member* Gene Simmons made a slur about the king of pop being a molester; which was hard for Gene to say with no sense of irony considering he's a 62 year old man in tight leather, make-up, who sticks his tongue out every 2 minutes and is in a band called "Kiss" ....he's probably right though.
*both meanings

Goodnight Sluts!!

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

News for Dummies 17/8

Pitts in the pits, Brad and Angelena arrive in Glasgow to shoot zombie flick World War Z; the film is set in the USA but they will save a fortune because instead of clearing the streets of LA and bringing in 1000’s of extras made up as zombies they will just film it outside the Garage nightclub at last orders!

Plans are in place to stop protesters starting an anti-Muslim march; protesters saw the success of movember last year and thought “anti-muslim march” would get their point across.

Tinie Tempah is to become a mentor on X-factor; if you ever find yourself taking advice from someone who calls himself “Tinie Tempah” my advice is that you kill yourself!

A woman won £250’000 on a scratch card while she was on the toilet; I hope she treated herself and wiped her arse with the towel! Last time I scratched something when I was in the bathroom all I won was a smelly finger!

A nurse has been fired because he give a patient a salt cellar instead of her inhaler; ironically this was filed as assault, the patient had a coughing fit but had to do it over her left shoulder for luck.

Breandan Vallance of the USA has broke a world record by completing a rubick’s cube in 9.91 seconds; but can he do it while telling dick jokes??? No!! You need to come to my show for that, click: Fuck Breandan Vallance!

Plans to build a space hotel orbiting the earth have been unveiled; you are urged to stay on the resort as venturing further afield can be very eye opening (Ive seen total recall)

A man emBarked on a tandem parachute jump with his pet dog; here are a handful of dare-devil animals because I am so hungover I've ran out of funny and it's easier than coming up with a joke (yes I am still hungover at 7pm)

A Meerkat on a Jetski

A Chick on a Skateboard

A mouse on a Death-wish

A Rat on a Surf-board

A Dog on Heroin

Some blue writing to signify the end of the blog.

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

News for Dummies 16/8

Lotto winning thug Michael Carrol tried to kill himself after squandering £9.7 million; How can you be labelled a winner when you can't even succeed in a suicide attempt, he should have saved a couple of quid for a hit man... got to admit though killing yourself must take some balls (6 of them apparently)

Thousands of sacks of food aid in Somalia have been stolen and sold on markets; Well that in my eyes is copy-cat looting, stop the aid, if they saw the riots on the news they clearly have TV's and don't need out help!!

Outrage as 5"7 Tom Cruise is cast as 6"5 action book hero John Reacher in the movie adaptation "One Shot" There is also controversy that John Reacher isn't a self absorbed, closet homosexual who believes the world is run by Lizard people that live under the earths crust (I think that's what scientolegists believe right??)

200 Tonnes of oil has leaked into the north sea.... How did they weigh it!??

Gangster Mark Duggan who was shot dead by cops at the spark of the riots was cheating on his wife with two women and one is pregnant; This is unbelievable he seemed like such a decent honest bloke. Looters will start taking stuff back to the shops when they read about this!

A motorist has been banned for a year after being caught using 2 mobile phones at the wheel; He was devastated to find out he could have talked to himself without them.

A pigskin football dating back to the 15 hundreds has been found in the rafters of Stirling castle. I reckon there will be a similar article in the year 2500 when they finally discover the Mitre Delta I lost in the allotments next to the bottom square in my mothers street circa 1993.

A distillery was evacuated after 10 tonnes of dangerous acid leaked from a storage tank.... How the fuck did they weigh it?????

"oh look we've spilt something, I wonder how much it weighs!!!" Stop weighing shit and get it cleaned up for fuck sake!!

Weetabix tops cereal sales surviving the economic slump; this is because people have been using it as a cheaper alternative to cement for home improvements such as driveways.

If you aint following me on twitter get on it @kaihumphries RT the blog and spread the news!!

Monday, 15 August 2011

News for Dummies 15/8

Loot from the riots in England is being sold in Scotland; this became apparent when people from Fife were reported to have colour televisions.

Property asking prices in Scotland have increased by 2.7% putting houses in Fife up to as much as £102.70p

Apologies to those from Fife but I've been in Scotland for 2 weeks and I am loving the reputation. One girl I met here quoted: "I'm a Fife girl if some-one lives near me who I haven't sucked off it probably means they're a dick"

Jonny Depp is to play the Lone Rangers' sidekick Tonto in the new movie; I hate to be pedantic but if he has a sidekick doesn't that make him The Accompanied Ranger?? And the fact Tonto is supposed to be a native American could make this film as cringe-worthy as the movie Short Circuit which cast a white man with of no Indian decent  as an Indian but just blacked him up and got him to wobble his head during his lines!

Mel Gibsons wife wants him to pay their son £300'000 damages as he was traumatized from watching them fight. In that case he owes me £300'000 because I watched "What Women Want" to similar consequences.

Porky singer Adele says her ultimate turn on is a man that can make her laugh; oh for fuck sake, I'm going to the job centre!! She's quite easy though because simply running up the stairs has her in stitches.

A 39 year old Milf died after her boob job; turns out she was lactose intolerant.

People are becoming increasingly lonely due to spending so much time on the Internet; that's you, you lonely cunt.... Yeah you! YOU!! Get some friends, you're so lonely you even got so bored of porn you resorted to reading a blog.

Oh I get it you're at work and the person sat next to you is an utter bell-end, as you were with your procrastinating!!

TV chef Gordan Ramsey referred to Prince William as a Bastard.... surely he meant Harry???

A mugger was spared jail because he helped his victim find his glasses?? I didn't realise there was a good deed release policy, would you get off with rape if you give them an orgasm in that case???

It's Monday and I'm signing off on a rape joke!! It's the fringe festival half way point today, click here if you wanna catch me in the second half!!

I nearly signed off without inserting a picture so here is a picture of 4 dwarfs dressed as the A-Team:

"I aint getting on no roller-coaster"
(a joke about height restrictions)

Friday, 12 August 2011

News for Dummies 12/8

Paolo Nutini cuts his own hair; and this made the news this morning, is this really what I have to work with today?? Next I'll be reading the queen picks her own nose and Jim Davidson writes his own jokes!

Gareth Gates has went from chart topper to singing on cruise ships; It's the only place he can get away with singing Bop-bop-bop bop-bop-a-ram & la-la-la-la-la-Bamba!!

One in five Scots want gay teachers barred from primary schools; but who do they expect to play the piano in assembly?? It was always a lesbian leading the way on "Sing Hosanna"

Cops in Rome had to dress as gladiators for a sting operation to catch con men dressing as centurions and charging people for photo's; One cop arrived dressed as Wolf and hit a conman with his pugil stick but it was before John Anderson blew his second whistle so he was suspended.

Fire-fighters in Glasgow had to attend a fire at their own station; this would be like me doing a gig in my own living room or even Ryan Giggs having sex with his own wife!

Student Rhiannon Brooksbank-Jones had a tongue operation to make it longer so she could speak better Korean as she plans to move there after university; It's funny that Koreans are renowned for eating cat meat, oh the irony that she had her tongue lengthened so she can eat pussy!! I wonder if she's taking her piano!?

Anxious teens waited for their exam results which didn't arrive because a postman didn't want to work in the rain; judging by my time up here Scottish students may NEVER EVER get to see their qualifications!! That would also explain the queue at the job centre.

A Fife school girl went to the hairdressers at the age of 14 for the first time too trim her 3ft locks; She contacted the Guinness book of records but apparently she has a decade to catch up on Paolo Nutini who they suspect has been cheating! 

To keep with the trend of todays news and send you into your weekend here is a compilation of shit haircuts:

To See that final haircut Live catch him on tour from October by clicking: Basin-Cut

In Edinburgh during August?? Come and say HELLO <<<click to find out how!

Thursday, 11 August 2011

News for Dummies 11/8

Amy Winhouse's home was robbed days after she died; the thief got away with a load of her heroin spoons and couple of wigs, police are followed their leads to this place...

Button moon - costa del crime!

Actual question: Is it the shading or is Emily, 21, from Warrington showing a bit of flap in today's Sun??

A women died after a paramedic half a mile away failed to respond to the 999 call about her heart attack because he was on his tea-break; fucking hell it's like an after hours Kit-Kat advert! But what was he meant to do? ...Take it with him and let it potentially scald himself???....Let it go cold???? He just couldn't win!

Edinburgh castle had a "record" of 200'000 visitors in July... I'm not entirely convinced this is a record, now I'm no historian but surely it had more English visitors in the 12 & 13 hundreds when it was used as a CASTLE!! (I've seen Braveheart)*

*this is news for dummies so please feel free to correct my historic inaccuracies!

There have been a several UFO sightings in west Kilbride; they left after failing to find intelligent life, besides they couldn't get parked because of the restrictions... Locals were disappointed to miss out on the anal probs!

Petrol stations have banned containers being filled because of the unrest; that would have been a better excuse for the paramedic!!

A Hartlepool man is jailed and banned from keeping dogs after doping his greyhound with Viagra; first Hartlepool mistake a monkey for a spy (historically accurate) and now they mistake a dog for Hugh Heffner.

A runaway tortoise has been rescued from the motorway; luckily it didn't come to any harm because it got stuck behind my Granddad Harry who popped out for milk

That last joke wasn't funny or controversial but I'm in a hurry so to make it up to you I've left you a game of spot the difference:

<<<< Famine in Somalia

                       Maxi Jazz

(Answer: the woman in one of the photo's is white)

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

News for Dummies 10/8

Apple has become the worlds biggest company pipping oil giant Exxon Mobil; They were both neck and neck until the riots put Mobil in front with all the petrol bombs but then when the looters decided to organize using the twitter app Apple won by photo finish! 

The looting continues in cities across England; I'm tempted to kick it off here in Scotland by shoplifting a load of fudge and shortbread from the royal mile!

Cher Lloyd has had a bollocking off her management for trashing a hotel room in London; apparently there were Barbie dolls and feathers from the pillow fight everywhere. I'm not going to count this as a rock and roll moment for the simple reason when Steve Tyler did shit like this the didn't get grounded!!...."Steve get to you're room and no TV....oh it's on the pavement!"

SatNav firm Tom-Tom have announced the M25 as Britains most congested road after a 49mile traffic jam on July 29th; Tom-Tom not only tell you to turn off for a junction once you have passed it but they now also bring you statistics 2 weeks after they happen.  

Blake is to write a book on Amy Winhouse; I can imagine it will be like the sequel to Train Spotting.

Archaeologists have discovered that a massive bird the size of a T-rex roamed central Asia 85million years ago; but the question is, could she sing as good as Susan Boyle too?

A junkie was arrested for hitting a 91 year old man with an expensive bottle of champagne; but it turns out she was tripping and thought he was a ship!

Micheal Jackson had had 10 of his pieces of art donated to a children's hospital; they've hung this one at the entrance...

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

News for Dummies 9/8

The nation sits back watching in disgust as petrol bombs are thrown for the third day running in the London riot; no-one can believe it is happening what with the petrol prices being upward of £1.34/litre, are they made of money!!?

Police turn water canons on yobs; now shop keepers must put down sufficient wet floor cones in case the get taken to court and closed down by the HSE for looters slipping and spraining their ankle.... I wish that was a joke!!

Birmingham hit by looting in copy-cat riots; except because of the Brummy lethargic, can't be arsed "just getting by one day at a time" mentality they only managed to tip over a couple of bins while the looters formed a queue and paid.

Prince Harry wants to be sent to Afghanistan to fight the Taliban; but he is told the desert is no place for a ginger!!

Despite their millions Jedward are only given £20 per week pocket money between them; I've just been on the Asda website and found out that is more than enough. For £20 they 2128 paracetamol. That should do the trick and they'd still had 5p change.

Brad Pitt has pulled out of a movie role with Nicole Kidman because they have "No Chemistry" Which is odd because Tom Cruise (The last person to pull out of Nicole Kidman) became a Scientologist!

A woman in Aberdeen has had to flee her home because it has been invaded by over 1000 protected bats that legally can't be moved; It makes me think the houses of Parliament must have been someones home before all those blood suckers took over the place! 

A patient at Stobhill Hospital had their short term memory wiped out after a Dr's blunder during brain treatment; So Leanne Simpson if you are reading this you might want to scroll back up to the top of the page.

Don't let the funnies stop here: Keep Laughing

Monday, 8 August 2011

News for Dummies 8/8

A Scottish squaddie has been accused of cutting off the fingers of dead Taliban soldiers; There have been calls for the soldier who cut off the extremities of the extremists to be extremely extradited! Ironically Extradited means HANDed over! Personally I think this would be excessive (out of hand) and we should just give them the finger!?

US faces new blow on credit; apparently Obama didn't turn his data roaming off when he visited Ireland!

Children as young as 7 join in on the looting during the riots in Tottenham; They put a stickle brick through the window of toys'R'us and all charged inside for a nap!

Turns out the local police chief was on holiday while the riots took place; however when he returned to the riot torn district of London he couldn't notice any difference!

An ingredient in Irn-Bru could hold the cure to Cancer; the only thing is no fucker knows what the hell is in Irn-Bru!

Simon Cowell tells how he "admires" Nicole Schitsinger for being Selfish and Ruthless; he also really respects her for hardly wearing any clothes and dancing like a slut.

A woman will command a warship for the first time in the Navy's 500 year history; but even with the vast expanse of the ocean I bet if she ever has to reverse it she'll still somehow manage to hit a garage door!

A man who got dragged 40 yards by a polar bear pumped 5 shotgun shells into it's face; Top of the food-chain bitch!! 

Here are some more failed attempts to reach the top of the food chain by some of natures greatest predators:

Haven't seen enough funny shit from me today? Then Click Here for more!!

Saturday, 6 August 2011

News Flash-Back for dummies 28th July 1981

Big thank-you to Gav for looking after my blog yesterday with his razor sharp rants, when he mentioned turning 30 it reminded me, I bought him a Newspaper from the day he was born and obviously did a news for dummies based on the stories, it's very rude of me not to share it with you: Allow me to take you back to 28th July 1981....

Lady Dianna rehearsed her wedding ceremony wearing an old curtain rather than her vale yesterday; Rather than throwing a bouquet of flowers she rehearsed by throwing a handful of grass cuttings and then instead of practicing consummating the marriage with Charles she just fucked a ginger bloke.
Nancy Reagan who is over for the wedding said she is missing her husband President Ronald Reagan; In the mean time Ronny is missing Fidel Castro, with assassination attempts.
A change of weather could see smoke from tonight’s firework display blow smoke directly at the queen. But she’s a Royal she’s used to having smoke blown up her arse never mind in her face. Composer Handel will be performing the music for the display titled “Roman Candle in the Wind”
The wedding cake has been unveiled and is 5 foot tall; the cake is usually cut at the end of the ceremony so it’s safe to say that this wedding will end in tiers.
Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher announces a 7 point plan investing £500m into getting people off the Dole; when the bill was passed there was a typo on the plan and the word dole was accidentally typed as coal.
A 16 year old boy was jolted 25 feet when trying to get his Kestrel from an 11’000 volt power cable; He must have really wanted that can of larger.
A couple on their honey moon had to be rescued by the AA on the M6; It’s usually “Relate” that deal with marriage breakdowns. The only thing that got blown that night was a gasket! 
Two sausage rolls at Tesco are 25½p… ½ a P??? Maybe tesco are just simplifying the cost of 4 sausage rolls at 51p to make them look cheaper… maybe you can cut a 1p in half… maybe Gav really is that old!!
Brian Clough falls out with Nottingham Forrest Chiefs over Shilton…. But little did he know he would also fall out with Jabba the Hutt:

Now come back to the future and see my show in 2011 at the underbell in Edinburgh: click: flux-capacitor

Friday, 5 August 2011

News for Dummies 5/8 - Guest written by Gav Humphries

Blindsiiiiiiiiide!!!  Kai is on best man duty today at the side of Mr.David Canham, who henceforth no longer has the right to make a single cunting decision influencing anything regarding the direction of his own life.  Today’s News for Dummies is therefore brought to you more eloquently than you may be acquainted with via the pissed off rants and ramblings of Gav Grizzly-Bear Humphries, buckle in bitches, this is Bear Faced Cheek!!

Todays headline news is that economies around the world are going into meltdown…And I’m going to do what all the newspapers fail to do this morning and that’s tell you why.  You see, it’s all to do with you bitches fucking like rabbits!!  Fucking like rabbits and making more and more and more shit people.   You see, there’s only a limited amount of jobs people can do and eventually there’s a fuckin’ boatload of surplus people who aint got shit to do, offering me fuck all skills or services, just sponging from the coffers like little bitches clinging on to the teat of life bleeding the economy dry!  You got all that?  Too much fucking, surplus people, too long on the tit, economy fucked…Consider yourselves experts in the field!!

Tory MP Nigel Evans was refused entry to his lodgings within the house of commons grounds by armed guards because he was in a rickshaw returning from a night on the piss…He was turned away time and time again as he tried to sneak in with varying modes of transport he forlornly hoped might be acceptable… 

Eventually he just donned a disguise….

The armed guards were like “Mr.T, Haway in mate, I didn’t realise it was you!!  Sorry pal!”

A policeman is saved from certain death at the hands of a crazed gunman when his radio deflected a bullet fired at him…Let’s be honest here, this is hardly a fluke is it?  Have you seen the amount of crap those police types have hanging from them, there like a fuckin’ walking bric-a-brac shop!  It’s the reason they never catch any cunt!  They might as well be dragging a tyre tied around their waste to boot like a fucking rugby training session.  If it wasn’t the radio that saved him, it could have been any one of an artillery of shite stuck to them like they’d fallen in glue and had an epileptic in Clare’s accessories!!

Amy Winehouse’s £2.5 million mansion in Camden will be converted into a rehab centre for crack addicts… Errrrm, my friends dad (Peter Tate, that’s you!) had this unique sense of humour that used to puzzle the shit out of people.  One of the things he used to do was let someone regurgitate a long winded story, and regardless of the content, deliver the stark reply…”So Fuck!!”  At first you were like “How rude, can you believe this guy!?”, but once you were in on the joke it was amazing!  Try it, next time somebody gets you in a choke hold with the trivial details of their crap day at the office, or your nanna has you in a full nelson  with a long winded story about how the economic crisis has affected the price of Custard Creams, just hit them with a big bad “So Fuck!”  Be warned though, it’s addictive!!

A women in medieval dress has terrified teens in a village in Sweden by firing steel tipped arrows at them with a longbow…Like that time when a Cessna light aircraft crashed into a high rise in New York, or when one of the Cochrane brothers pinched the 441 from Blyth Bus station, it seems that even the Norway massacre can’t escape it’s shit parody!  On that note, following in the footsteps of the Amy Winemansion, I will soon be converting my 2 bedroom apartment in Runcorn into a rehab centre for addiction to X-Box, weed, Monster munch, Jack Daniels and saying “So Fuck!!”

A window cleaner has admitted trying to hire a hitman to kill his wife, he was rumbled when the would be assassin he tried to employ to poison her with sleeping pills turned out to be an undercover cop…How fuckin’ unlucky have you got to be man, there you are sat innocently contemplating how you could murder your missus on a shoe-string budget.  You finally pluck up the courage to place an ad for an assassin in the local corner shop (who’s prices for advertising shit or quite extortionate by the way!), and the first reply you get turns out to be a cop with too much time on his hands trying to get some fuckin’ limelight!…What a cunt!!  I wouldn’t care, a longbow wielding Swedish lady had only offered her services the previous day but she couldn’t hit a fuckin’ barn door!  This is all by the by, who pays money for a sleeping pill assassin?  That’s got to be the crappest assassin ever!  If I ever decide to pop my missus off I want it done with a bazooka or a fuckin’ sledgehammer!  The sledgehammer assassin, that’s got a ring to it!!

Finally, I turned 30 last week!...”So Fuck!!” I here you cry.  Correct, so fuck man! 30 laps of the sun, who gives a fuck?  Which is why turning 30 isn’t the news, what is the news though is the gift I received from a friend, the gift of an acre of land on the moon with exclusive rights to all of it’s minerals.  Those educated, or pretentious discovery channel absorbing bitches like myself, will know that I could be sitting on a gold mine of Helium-3!!  Look it up!  But that’s nothing, I think this blue guy might be onto something, I bid you farewell, it’s been a fucking pleasure!!  I leave you with an all time classic, enjoy…

Click "Piss-Flaps" to go and see Kaibosh in Edinburgh
Click "Sausage-Wallet" to sponsor me grumbling all the way 'round The Lakes tomorrow in aid of "Help for Heroes"

Peace out xxx

Thursday, 4 August 2011

News for Dummies 4/8

Miracle as a skydiver survived a 3,500ft fall even though her two parchutes didn't open; It's obvious what happened, she did a "Power Flinch" just before she hit the ground, we train for this in our sleep everytime we fall in a dream "HOOOZZAAA!!"....Power Flinch!!!

I talk about the power flinch in my show Bare-Faced Cheek which is on everynight in Edinburgh at 10:30 in the Wee-Coo!! #plug #hashtagsarefortwitter #sofuck

here are some sky-divers that weren't so lucky:

Exam boards blunder and send pupils their GCSE results by text a day early giving them an unfair head start on their college applications; Id say it's most likely giving them a head start on their application for McDonald's.

Heather Mills has claimed the Daily Mirror have been hacking her voicemail; if this is true they won't have a leg to stand on. However I don't know how much trouble you can get into for reporting "You have 0 new messages"

The article in the Sun on the previous page from the 3,500ft free fall survivor is about a man fighting for his life after falling off a pub roof ......What a pussy!!!

Recordings have been discovered of East-end gangster Ronnie Kray openly admitting he was bi-sexual;  But Ronnie shot a man dead for calling him a "fat poof" he must have just been really insecure about his weight.

A 10 year old girl in Hanover, Germany pretended to be kidnapped to avoid punishment for cutting off her own hair; Scotland yard are now preparing an artist impression off Madelaine McCann with a skin head.

Just as you think Scotland couldn't get anymore Scottish they go and make an Irn Bru flavoured Pie!! But why the hell not if the Irish can make pies out of Guinness and the Welsh can make Donner kebabs out of sheep's cock!

A 33 year old cartoon fan was buried at a Sponge Bob themed funeral... but surely he would want to be buried at sea? What a twatfull send off, I quite like Southpark but please don't dress me as Kenny and play Chocolate salty balls at my funeral for fuck sake. The poor cunt must be turning in his pineapple!!

I am at a wedding tomorrow so I will recruit a special guest to keep you up to date with the news in my absence!

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

News for Dummies 3/8

This might appear to be a late edition of news for dummies but I am in a different timezone. Turns out 11pm at the Edinburgh Fringe is 7am....

Jennifer Lopez has been slated by activists by wearing a fur coat made from white fox pelts; Dan Mathews an animal rights campaigner said "People who wear fur are either ignorant or arrogant about animal suffering, J-Lo is firmly in the arrogant camp but I totally still would!"

I made sure no animals died for my new hat :o)

Dragons Den star Duncan Bannatyne has put a £50k bounty on the thug that threatened to harm his daughter if he didn't cough up £35'000... Now I'm no accountant but surely Duncan would have been better off just paying it!?

Ed Miliband is snapped carrying a big pile of Leadership books; this is like my girlfriend reading the Haynes manual on how to change oil in her car when really if it comes down to it she'll just get her brother to do it!

Paul Daniels got knocked unconscious when he was hit by a pizza during a stunt on the Sooty show; Sooty was left speechless!!! This was an unorthodox way to throw tomatoes at a shit performer... he's actually at the fringe I suggest tinned tomatoes if anyone goes to see his show.

Lol at how aggressive I just got towards poor old Paul Daniels for no reason.

A scientist claimed schoolgirls who do P.E. without a sports bra could end up with saggy boobs; this isn't part of his research he just said it in the pub out the blue when he was drunk!

Over 100 pigeons have been shot and dumped in the river Clyde; It was probably J-Lo. A poor old Scotish man is going to be sat on his own at his Birthday party tonight because his friends never got their invites.

A sea king trying to rescue a woman at a harbour had there efforts hindered by a group of youths shining laser pens at the pilot; the group of delinquents have also been know to tickle surgeons during live saving operations and do "not touching can't get mad" during bomb disposals  

It's my first Edinburgh fringe show tonight at the Wee Coo at 10:30, I'm pretty damn excited. Click Me if you wanna come!! 

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

News for Dummies 2/8

Amy Winehouse's man-widow Reg Traviss has announced that they secretly got engaged; I think you might have your wires crossed Regie, she said "Will you carry me" she was off her tits.... and of course you're gonna say you secretly got engaged, your lawyers have told you that's the safest way to her riches!!

30% of all 11 year old's could be leaving primary school this summer without having a grasp of basic maths; Holy Shit!! That's over half of them!

Hidden Camera's caught a pair of X-Factor contestants snorting cocaine in the dressing room before they performed in the 5th round of the show. Producers should have sussed them out in the first audition when Simon Cowell asked them to "tell us a little bit about yourself" and they went on for 3 hours.

Harry Potter Auther JK Rowling has discovered she has come from a long line of single mums; I just went and got my breakfast from Gregg's and looking at the queue.... that's where I've just come from too!

It's a sad, sad day for all the babies that will never be born because of the pictures of Rhianna in the papers today.

A man who had been shot in the head managed to flag down and get on a bus in London; I've been on buses in London and I can see how they can be easily mistaken for an A&E waiting room!

A scientist in South London flew a 21 year old African girl from Tanzania and treat her as a slave getting her to cook, clean and nanny for free. The scientist was devastated when she got arrested as it meant her time travel device hadn't worked.

A women beat cancer by spotting it early due to her sudden craving for lettuce.... Oh great, now I'm worried sick about my pet Tortoise!!

Raymond and his Tumour

Well I'm off up the road to Edinburgh for the month, I will continue the blog from there but why dont you come see me.... in fact why waste any time come tomorrow!!! 10:30pm at the Underbelly Wee Coo Click here for info!!!