Victoria Beckham cannot hold her baby due to having a bad back; David says he knows how she feels he never got to hold the World Cup due to having a bad back 4!
Mosquito's with immunity to insecticides could trigger a killer outbreak of malaria; The mozzies were first spotted in a gym in Ashington biting the steroid heads next thing we know they were tipping cars and looting shops, it was like Jumanji! And like the rioters they're fucking blood suckers!!
3 Asiatic Lions have been put down due to a spinal defect; Victoria Beckham read this news and shit herself.
(there is also a joke about David Beckham and 3 Lions in there but I'm in a hurry/lazy)
Alligator fat could be an alternative fuel source for cars; I think this is an elaborate ploy to get vegetarians of the road... so I hope they make it snappy. These cars will refuel at zebra crossings.
A tourist in London pushed a policeman in front of a bus; The bus driver was very confused initially he thought he'd woke up a speed bump.
Transport secretary Phillip Hammond spent £5000 of tax payers money on a sofa for his office; wait til they find out the price of the shrink that comes with it when he announces the Alligator Fuel plan!
A groom died by shark attack when he was on his honeymoon; but then he was a jet and he was singing and dancing on the wrong turf.
A fireman attacked one of his colleagues after discovering him in bed with his ex; he should have took the moral high ground, you don't fight fire-fighter with fire-fighter you'll only get burned, he was shocked to see a friend who he got along with like a house on fire in bed with an old flame, but I hope they sort it out, you know what they say.... Bro's before Hose!!!