Thursday, 4 August 2011

News for Dummies 4/8

Miracle as a skydiver survived a 3,500ft fall even though her two parchutes didn't open; It's obvious what happened, she did a "Power Flinch" just before she hit the ground, we train for this in our sleep everytime we fall in a dream "HOOOZZAAA!!"....Power Flinch!!!

I talk about the power flinch in my show Bare-Faced Cheek which is on everynight in Edinburgh at 10:30 in the Wee-Coo!! #plug #hashtagsarefortwitter #sofuck

here are some sky-divers that weren't so lucky:

Exam boards blunder and send pupils their GCSE results by text a day early giving them an unfair head start on their college applications; Id say it's most likely giving them a head start on their application for McDonald's.

Heather Mills has claimed the Daily Mirror have been hacking her voicemail; if this is true they won't have a leg to stand on. However I don't know how much trouble you can get into for reporting "You have 0 new messages"

The article in the Sun on the previous page from the 3,500ft free fall survivor is about a man fighting for his life after falling off a pub roof ......What a pussy!!!

Recordings have been discovered of East-end gangster Ronnie Kray openly admitting he was bi-sexual;  But Ronnie shot a man dead for calling him a "fat poof" he must have just been really insecure about his weight.

A 10 year old girl in Hanover, Germany pretended to be kidnapped to avoid punishment for cutting off her own hair; Scotland yard are now preparing an artist impression off Madelaine McCann with a skin head.

Just as you think Scotland couldn't get anymore Scottish they go and make an Irn Bru flavoured Pie!! But why the hell not if the Irish can make pies out of Guinness and the Welsh can make Donner kebabs out of sheep's cock!

A 33 year old cartoon fan was buried at a Sponge Bob themed funeral... but surely he would want to be buried at sea? What a twatfull send off, I quite like Southpark but please don't dress me as Kenny and play Chocolate salty balls at my funeral for fuck sake. The poor cunt must be turning in his pineapple!!

I am at a wedding tomorrow so I will recruit a special guest to keep you up to date with the news in my absence!

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