Students got their A level results today and a few of my mates have been bragging that their girlfriends got 3 A's; My girlfriend has 34E's and I guarantee you can be more successful with those.
A biker crashed before being run over by an ambulance; the fire-brigade arrived and set him on fire before the police turned up and sexually assaulted him. I think his phone was upside down and he called 666!
Warnings will be put on in flight movies that are considered to be tear jerkers because emotions are increased whilst flying; I always said movies are better when you're high!!
Old people are less likely to wear condoms if they have sex with someone they meet on holiday; this is largely because post-menopausal pregnancy is extremely rare and the fact it took old Jimmy 75 minutes to get a quarter chub, he isn't just going to kill it by suffocating the poor thing with shrink wrap. Not to mention the main threat of STD's is infertility, they couldn't give two squirts of piss. Literally!
French screen star Gerard Depardieus disgraced himself by publicly urinating in the aisle of an aeroplane; but said there was no warning of "heightened emotions" on the comedy he was watching and actually pissed himself laughing.
A Britain's Got Talent star faces jail after looting an Argos; Is that his talent? The ability to find what he is looking for in Argos without the aid of a catalogue, computer to put the special code into, a cashier, a retard at collection point B and 8 warehouse monkeys!!?? If you can walk into Argos and just take a telly... you deserve the telly!!
Kiss have been banned from a Michael Jackson tribute gig after member* Gene Simmons made a slur about the king of pop being a molester; which was hard for Gene to say with no sense of irony considering he's a 62 year old man in tight leather, make-up, who sticks his tongue out every 2 minutes and is in a band called "Kiss" ....he's probably right though.