Tuesday, 12 July 2011

News for Dummies 12/7

A huge thank you to Daniel Sloss for keeping you all tuned into current affairs for an extra day due to me watching my flight home from India take off while I was still in the taxi to the airport coz I'm a fucking moron (less about that now Travel blog to follow).

But I hear you ask "Why is Daniel so angry??" Look he's just fresh out of his teenage years and he was one of those kids that got tall too quick and moved awkwardly like he was being puppeteered by a stroke victim. So he had to watch all the hot birds from his school get picked up at the gates by older kids with Renault Clio's while he went home to furiously masturbate over that glimpse of cleavage he saw through the button hole of a girls school blouse. Well now he's older and grew into his limbs he feels like the adult world owes him something, and it has paid him back tenfold... he can have all the teenage girls he likes now that he's the Justin Bieber of British Comedy!!

From the start of the fringe in August to the end of his tour in December Daniel and I will be doing a weekly podcast which will be posted on this site, also come and see us live if you haven't already... in fact even if you have (links at the foot of the page)

Now for the News:

one from "The Times of India"
A police officer dismissed a rape case and said he would come back to it because it was the first case of his shift and didn't want to start the day with it; I'm sure the victim didn't want to start her day with rape either but unfortunately one of the main criteria's of rape is that it "Isn't" optional. I didn't want to start my blog on the topic but unlike the policeman in question, I couldn't let this story pass me by!

The Beckham's have named they're baby girl Harper Seven Backham; after a quick google of baby Harper's initials H7B I discovered she is named after a popular bulldozer that is reviewed as reliable, a little bit slow and when it gets older you can't stop the thing rattling.

Bent Royal Police (the corrupt kind not the gay kind) tried to sell The Queens contacts to the News of the World; this is disgusting, without her contacts the queen wouldn't be able to find her address book. And what's the point in selling them to the NoTW? They might as well have sold them to Woolworths

The French writer who accused Dominique Srauss-Kahn of trying to rape her was interviewed yesterday (it was in the mid afternoon, they'd already done a speeding ticket and arrested a man for scrumping apples) She claimed he was like a "Rutting Chimpanzee" Now this is amazing because there is a famous YouTube viral video where a Chimpanzee rapes a frog.... and she is French!!

The USA embassy in Syria was attacked by a mob with a battering ram, this will confuse any Scottish readers I've accumulated over Daniel's time guest writing, as they may consider a "battering ram" to be a deep fried male sheep and will struggle get their head around how you could attack an embassy with a snack.

A man in Oxfordshire is accused of beheading a restaurant owner, with a cheese knife!! A cheese Knife??? Seriously of all the weapons to behead some one with he chose a cheese knife.... He must be fucking Crackers that bloke!! That's the sort of story that gives you nightmares, my stomach is churning just thinking about it, o.k. these jokes are getting cheesy now.

An 82 year old man was tazered by police when he refused to put down a meat cleaver in his bungalow in West London. He is current-ly trying to remain positive even though it hertz and said it's up to him how he conduct his business, o.k. these jokes are getting shocking now.

An international science team has decoded the genome of a potato.... <raises one eyebrow> <puts down newspaper>

What fucking day is it??? I'll be back tomorrow once I've had some sleep!!

Oh and please buy tickets for my fringe show, I want to see what you all look like: 

or if you can't make it to Edinburgh me and Daniel will come to you on his tour:

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